Boyfriend not wanting to spend Easter w/ family?

[kendahke]

My mom mentioned that since I visit him so frequently he should make the effort to spend one day with us down here and I'm wondering if she has some insight into this.

 

 

Not really. You've chosen to be involved with someone who lives as far away as he does and who works a job with crazy hours--no one forced you into this relationship against your will. You choose to drive to his place instead of moving out and getting your own place nearer to where he lives. There is a lot that you're undertaking because you think it's currency to get you what you want.

 

Yes, he should make the effort to come see you, but if it means he's got to sit up and look at your mom and family and you two have no privacy, then I can see why he doesn't come down there often. Your mom is a bit too far up in your business as it is, and that's a result of you, as her child, living in her house instead of you, as an adult, living in your own place. Also, she'd have a point if he had Friday night, Saturday and Sunday off this weekend--but he doesn't. He's got just one day off and as I said earlier, if his family wasn't going to be going out of town, more than likely, he wasn't going to be coming down to your place to spend his only day off with your family anyway.

 

I am also certainly not a controlling or suffocating person I am one of the most laid back persons that I know of, even my bf has told me he likes that there's no drama with me.

 

That's not how your posts come across, though, and that's why people have said something about it.

 

Now I realize that he might not want to spend a free day driving 4 hours on the road, but he means a lot to me so even on days when I have worked all day and am tired I still brave crazy rush hour traffic (the traffic between our two cities is terrible) and make the effort to see him. I was hoping he might make the same effort to come spend Easter with my family.

 

As I said above, you're looking at what you do as currency to get your way because "Look at what I do for you"--you undertake that of your own, free will, not because he's demanding it of you. What you would do and what he would do are completely separate because you two are complete individuals, not clones of one another. You cannot use your measuring stick of what you would do against him because he's got his own life and obligations in it to tend to. If he shows up late for work Monday after spending his only day off with your family and loses his job, he would be in danger of losing his place. He's not living with mommy and daddy and therefore doesn't have to sweat the inconvenience.

 

Like I said above: if he had Friday night, Saturday and Sunday off this weekend--perhaps he would he would spend it with your family. However, he's got just one day off, he's a grown man who is entitled to determine what he will do with his time and as I said earlier, if his family wasn't going to be going out of town, more than likely, he wasn't going to be coming down to your place to spend his only day off with your family anyway.

[Gaeta]

OP: Has he given you an answer yet? If he is not planning on going then he should confirm that with you asap. The sooner you tell your mom the better. As someone from a close knitted family I assure you telling your mom last minute that your bf isn't coming won't leave a good impression.

[kendahke]

sometimes I wonder if I'm still putting more effort into the relationship...

 

Yes, you are and you need to take step back and look at why you are doing this. Your expectations exceed the ability of your relationship at this point and it could be because you are forcing a fit.

 

The detractors I can see on your end are:

1. you live with your parents; therefore they are always in your business because that's the trade off when you live as their child under their roof. A child cannot do adult things (like have sex with their boyfriend in their parent's house) while having their parents pay for a place to lay their head. Were he your husband, that's a different scenario altogether, but even so, you can't lay up in the family room naked with him with your parents in the same room.

 

2. you don't stay home enough or refuse to make that drive so you can see what he will do. Could it be that the truth of the matter is: he won't make the effort, you know this, but don't want to admit it to yourself or have it demonstrated to those around you that he is a lousy choice for a boyfriend?

 

3. you seem to need this relationship more than your boyfriend does.

 

The detractors I see on your boyfriend's end:

 

1. he chose to move miles away from you---that should say something to you.

 

2. he's not inclined to drive to your town and visit with you as often as you do.

 

3. he doesn't seem particularly pressed to be with you. Crazy work weeks aside, in an average week, how many times does he drive your way?

[katiegrl]

Oh man, he *chose* to move miles away from you after you started dating?

 

That combined with everything else that has been disclosed since your original post, sweetie your RL is on a long winding road to never-never land.

[TaraMaiden2]

(There may be a case for even questioning the term 'relationship' at this point....)

[Gaeta]

Oh man, he *chose* to move miles away from you after you started dating?

 

I have browsed her history to find where she said that, can't find it.

[katiegrl]

(There may be a case for even questioning the term 'relationship' at this point....)

 

LOL, true...in fact I was gonna put quotes around the word, but decided not to at the end.

[katiegrl]

I have browsed her history to find where she said that, can't find it.

 

I trust kendhake found it somewhere!

 

I was going by her post immediately before mine.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have browsed her history to find where she said that, can't find it.

 

I trust kendhake found it somewhere!

 

I was going by her post immediately before mine.

 

In post #72, Polkadot mentions she helped him move into his new apartment, which I suppose would confirm his choice and location of abode. However, I'm going cross-eyed trying to figure out where he lived before the move...

[katiegrl]

OP, how often does come down to visit YOU?

 

Since you said he had only met your family one time a couple of months ago for your bday, I gather it was just that one time?

 

JMO but if you choose to continue *dating* him, I would strongly think about NOT making all the effort, and seeing if he is willing to step up to the plate.

 

His actions (or non actions) in this regard will tell you everything you need to know.

 

As in most commitment phobe relationships, once the woman (or man if the woman is the CP), stops doing all the work, the *relationship* dies of attrition (long, slow and painful fade out).

 

Sad reality.

Edited March 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[kendahke]

I have browsed her history to find where she said that, can't find it.

 

#72

 

I've driven up in the past just to help him move into his new apartment because I knew it would mean a lot to him, even if I didn't necessarily find it fun or exciting.

 

 

 

I try to make it a policy to not pull stuff out of thin air to make a point.

[katiegrl]

OP, seriously stop making all the effort, it's ridiculous.

 

And read up on commitment phobia.

 

You know who these guys end up totally falling in love with?

 

Women, who for one reason or another, are running away from *them*!

[elaine567]

#1 - "He's also said most of his relationships only last a few months because he loses interest in women fairly quickly."

 

I guess this is why the OP feels compelled to drive 4 hours on congested rush hour roads to see him...

[katiegrl]

I guess this is why the OP feels compelled to drive 4 hours on congested rush hour roads to see him...

 

Which, ironically, will be the very thing that causes him to lose interest! Along with her doing everything else to hold this *relationship* together.

 

Giving him licesnse to sit back on his ass being lazy.

 

Great set up for him!

 

He gets to enjoy all the perks (sex) while SHE makes all the effort!

 

Nice guy.

[kendahke]

Along with reading up on commitment phobia, read up on rubber band syndrome

OP, does he even get a chance to miss you before you turn up?

[elaine567]

Which, ironically, will be the very thing that causes him to lose interest! Along with her doing everything else to hold this *relationship* together.

 

Giving him license to sit back on his ass being lazy.

 

Great set up for him!

He gets to enjoy all the perks (sex) while SHE makes all the effort!

 

Nice guy.

 

Whatever the label anyone chooses to put on this relationship, or the participants therein, it is decidely "one sided" and one sided relationship are never a good idea for the poor person making all the effort.

[LoveRefreshed]

Meh, didn't read allll 8 pages, but I read 2. Enough before it probably diverged and digressed.

 

In short, at 3 months, he's already met your folks and had to work on Saturday and Monday.. Not a big deal for him to throw his day off away pleasing people he doesn't really know or have any interaction with at this point. S ometimes on your day off, you just wanna have a day off. I hate going home for holidays because it's anything but relaxing for me.

 

Something tells me that if he had invited your family up to his place, Grandma would have more patience to meet him. I think partners make too many demands of their other half instead of realizing you're sharing a life and sharing times together, not living the same lives.

[polkadotspots]

Well thanks for all the input I suppose I should take a step back and think about if this is a good fit or not. It's just a shame because we get along really well but maybe it's just not a good fit for other reasons :/

[hippychick3]

In addition to what everyone has said, men easily lose interest in women who put ALL the effort into a relationship. Men inherently feel that they have to work to earn something of value. If they don't have to work to earn it, they see it as less valuable.

 

Never put in more effort than him. Don't be afraid to see what happens when you don't drive out to him. Allow him to miss you enough to want to go out of his way to see you.

 

My bf who lives 2 1/2-3 hours away lives in a nicer and more fun/hip area of town than I do. So he'd much rather me go there than him come here. But I won't do that. From the beginning, I made it clear that he needs to put in the effort and I just won't see him that weekend if he didn't. He has never not come when it was "his turn". That's what made me love him. If he had not put in that effort, I'd seriously lose interest. It would be a turn off for me...kinda opposite of the man's view.

[caringsister]

So my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 7 months now, we've "officially" been bf/gf for about 3 months. This Sunday is Easter and since his family will be out of town (he has to work on Saturday so he can't go with them) I want him to drive down about 2 hours to spend the day with my family. When I asked him about this he told me that "he will think about it" but that "he's just not that excited about doing this". I understand that hanging out with my family might not be the most exciting thing in the world but he'd rather be alone on Easter than spend just one day with my family??

 

My mom has said she's making a big Easter dinner (which I mentioned to him) and my grandma wants to meet him. I would understand his reluctance to come down if this was the first time he was going to be meeting my family. But he drove down for my birthday back in December and met them then so he's been around them before. Also he drove like 7 hours up to be with a friend a few weeks ago but he's having second thoughts about just spending one day with my family...? I'm just irritated that he's being this way and I'm afraid if he chooses not to come down this will be our first fight. My friend suggested that I tell him that if he chooses not spend Easter with my family I should tell him that "it will be hard to come back from this" because if he's not willing to do this one thing for me what else will he refuse to do for me??? He's always saying things like "you're so beautiful I would give up so much to be with you." But when I mentioned this he was just so "meh" about it.

 

I don't know, I just feel like it's obvious that having a girlfriend means having to spend time with her family too. Am I being too pushy about making him spend Easter with my family when we've only been seeing each other for 7 months or should I see this as a big red flag that he's not going to put as much effort into this relationship as I want him to? He did mention when we first started dating that commitment makes him nervous but he eventually came around and asked me to be his girlfriend so I assumed he accepted that he wanted to work on building a relationship with me? (We are both 23 just FYI)

 

Thoughts?

 

Cut the guy some slack ... the drive alone sounds like work. I can understand your disappointment because you really want him to be there and grandma wants to meet him, but in all honesty maybe he just wants to chill on his day off ... and thats okay.

 

It doesn't have to equate to, "he'd rather be alone on Easter then spend just one day with my family"

 

You don't want him to come begrudgingly under ultimatums or guilt. Start a battle ... be prepared for a war or try a compromise and let him off the hook this time, but see if he'll agree to come to the next family gathering. Give him room to freely and willingly particapate in the future.

 

If you don't make a big deal out of him not coming to your family. It won't be a big deal.

 

Enjoy Easter with your family. Don't sweat the small stuff. There are plenty of other holidays in the future. If he makes a habit out of not wanting to come then there is an issue to address.

 

Just my 2 cents

[katiegrl]

 

Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

Read the entire thread please. This is definitely not small stuff by any stretch.

[katiegrl]

If he makes a habit out of not wanting to come then there is an issue to address.

 

 

And this is precisely what is happening.

 

In the seven months they've been dating (or since he moved away), not only does he not want to come on holidays (except for once two months ago on her birthday)... he has never wanted to make the trip down to visit her.... ever.

 

She is the one making all the effort, doing all the work, traveling to see him... so yes I agree with you, this is very much an issue that needs to be addressed.

Edited March 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote link ~6

[serial muse]

Hm, well a lot has happened in this thread but I might as well throw a couple of pennies in too.

 

My take:

 

1. Honestly, my initial response was like PrettyEmily's - I'm not sure I see the big deal about driving four hours once in a few months to visit my SO's family. It's not ultimatum territory, but it would hurt my feelings if my SO wouldn't be up for it, even though it's his day off, since it's not like I'd ask him to do it every weekend. So, I was already leaning toward "that's annoying of him" (and admittedly didn't understand the heat you were getting early in the thread for wanting this).

 

2. It's nice that he got you some nice Valentine's Day gifts, but it's the basic maintenance stuff that really matters in a relationship. If family is important to you, and he knows this, and you want him to meet your grandmother on a rare special occasion, then honestly I don't think he has much in the way of a good excuse not to go. And "I'm not really feeling excited by this" doesn't offer up much hope that there's a fruitful discussion about mutual needs and boundaries to be had here. Of course he's not excited about it. That's also not really the point, from what I can see.

 

3. BUT then we got the revelation that you, OP, are frequently doing that length of drive yourself in order to keep this relationship alive. And he...isn't. And really doesn't seem to go out of his way much, if at all, while you're kind of knocking yourself out here.

 

4. Plus, of course, he's a self-described commitmentphobe.

 

So...yes, I think it's time to think about whether your own needs are being met here, and whether you're bending over backwards to make sure he doesn't have to put himself out too much...because you're afraid that if he does, he'll head for the door. Asking him to visit your family for Easter was never a big deal in the first place, IMO (unless you really did commit him without talking to him first, which isn't OK). But in light of the fact that you're bearing most of the burden of your LDR...this isn't a sustainable balance of effort.

[Gaeta]

#72

 

 

I try to make it a policy to not pull stuff out of thin air to make a point.

 

You said:

 

1. he chose to move miles away from you---that should say something to you.

 

I know he moved to a new apartment, she talks about it in her thread dated August 2015 and in this thread. I have not seen a place where she says he moved away. Just that he moved apartment.

[Gaeta]

You said:

 

1. he chose to move miles away from you---that should say something to you.

 

I know he moved to a new apartment, she talks about it in her thread dated August 2015 and in this thread. I have not seen a place where she says he moved away. Just that he moved apartment.

 

I am not debating if you saw that information or not, I just want OP to tell if indeed he moved away or not.