Boyfriend not wanting to spend Easter w/ family?

[katiegrl]

OP... you asked in your original post if you were being "too pushy for *making* your boyfriend spend Easter with your family."

 

The answer to that is yes!

 

You should never *push* or *make* your bf do anything. He is not a child and you are definitely not his mother.

 

As kendhake said earlier, if you are unhappy about his decision, believe it means he doesn't care or want to make you happy, then break up with him.

 

Good luck moving forward!

Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

OP... you asked in your original post if you were being "too pushy for *making* your boyfriend spend Easter with your family."

 

The answer to that is yes!

 

You should never *push* or *make* your bf do anything.

 

As kendhake said earlier, if you are unhappy about his decision, believe it means he doesn't care or want to make you happy, then break up with him.

 

Good luck moving forward!

 

It doesn't have to be all black or white.

 

Of course you cannot make someone do something for you. OP should not give him an ultimatum and she should accept his decision.

 

Then after the holidays she should have a conversation with him on common values. She should explain to him her set of values, what is important to her, and what is hurting her feelings.

 

The boyfriend has the opportunity to learn something about her, he can compromise in the future because it's important to her OR he can tell her she is asking too much.

 

They will meet in the middle if they love and care about each other.

 

At this moment she feels he doesn't care enough, it's a normal human being reaction from being disappointed. Before 'believing' he doesn't care they need to talk about this.

[katiegrl]

It doesn't have to be all black or white.

 

Of course you cannot make someone do something for you. OP should not give him an ultimatum and she should accept his decision.

 

Then after the holidays she should have a conversation with him on common values. She should explain to him her set of values, what is important to her, and what is hurting her feelings.

 

The boyfriend has the opportunity to learn something about her, he can compromise in the future because it's important to her OR he can tell her she is asking too much.

 

They will meet in the middle if they love and care about each other.

 

At this moment she feels he doesn't care enough, it's a normal human being reaction from being disappointed. Before 'believing' he doesn't care they need to talk about this.

 

I was simply quoting and answering a question SHE asked in her original post.

 

Why don't we let HER speak for herself....

 

Why do you insist on assuming to know what she "really" meant ...or what her boyfriend is thinking, doing or going to do in response?

 

I don't get that.

[Gaeta]

I was simply quoting and answering a question SHE asked in her original post.

 

Why don't we let HER speak for herself....

 

Why do you insist on assuming to know what she "really" meant ...or what her boyfriend is thinking, doing or going to do in response?

 

I don't get that.

 

I don't follow you

 

What am I assuming? That she is hurt? Isn't it obvious that she is hurt?

 

I have no clue what her boyfriend is thinking and I didn't assume what he was thinking. I told her to not push him into anything and to have a conversation about it after the weekend.

 

I am not assuming what he will respond. I said he may respond positively or he may respond negatively, and that usually couples that love and care about each other will try to meet in the middle for the good of both of them.

[Jejangles]

OP, I agree with most others, this is not something you should give an ultimatum over. But it is something you should make clear is important to you, if that is the case as it seems in your original post. You appear to come from a family that puts value on special occasions and holidays and if that is the case, that's a core value of yours and perhaps an incompatibility between you and your boyfriend.

 

He does not HAVE to do anything. But in relationships we sometimes do things we don't really want to do because it is important to the other person... So make it clear this is important to you, then if he still says no, listen to why he says no. And it is your decision, and your decision only, if you are ok with that reason. Whatever the reason is, you need to decide if that works for you in a relationship.

[Miss Peach]

OP... you asked in your original post if you were being "too pushy for *making* your boyfriend spend Easter with your family."

 

The answer to that is yes!

 

I agree with this. From my own side, I wouldn't want to force someone to do something and then watch them not want to be there.

 

However I do understand Gaetea's point. If it was one thing every once in a while then OK. If this is a pattern then that would be cause for concern to me. In relationships you do sometimes need to do things you don't want to do because it's important to the other person.

 

However, this does bring up two things I hope you two have discussed in detail. How closely do you follow religion and your views in that area? Being Christain and going to church tells you nothing. You also need to ask about family and what's important i his family.

[Tribble]

Judging someone's attitude based on one post is, IME, not a good idea - there is no way of knowing whether she is a take, take, take person. She was (badly) advised by a friend to go hard on the bf and she hasn't taken it.

 

I went because he asked me, not because I wanted to go. I had a crap time and I was exhausted but I went anyway without a second thought because I care about him (yes, women do that too...) - that's the message I wanted to give him by not making a fuss about going. He has repaid me since, even though he didn't need to

 

I didn't say that is her attitude and she is take, take, take. Or rather I didn't mean to. What I meant is, that is what came across in her post. Which is all we have to go on. Which is why people are being hard on her. Which is what you asked.

[katiegrl]

You know, jmo but I think there may be more to this story than what OP has shared.

 

Meaning, it is quite possible this isn't the first time she has displayed such controlling behavior, and he may be sick of it.

 

Which is why he is so hesitant to give her what she is needing, expecting and requiring now (to make her happy).

 

Perhaps if she were a little more chill overall, and understood not everything is about her, he would want to make the trip... without her feeling she has to push him or make him, as she said in her original post.

 

Or maybe it's worse than that even, meaning he doesn't care and may even be thinking of breaking up with her!

 

My point in saying this is that none of us know the nature of their relationship ...nor do we know her or him.

 

Unless the OP returns with more info, I will refrain from further comment.

Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[strawberryshortstack]

I am 100% with Elaine on this one.

 

On 1 hand he has something very important to his girlfriend and on the other hand he has laziness. He's picking laziness.

 

Speaking as someone who works a non-conventional schedule, and gets only one day off at a time, I do not see it as laziness to want to relax and enjoy that day off. Driving four hours to spend a holiday with someone else's family is not relaxing, and it is his right to decline.

 

Yes, it is also her right to be unhappy with his decision, but their relationship is still new, and I think she is being unfair by expecting him to go.

 

It doesn't matter if it's a holiday important to him, the only matter is that it's important to his girlfriend and he should execute himself. He's gonna lose a day off home? big deal ! how old is he? 20ish something? he's gonna survive driving 2 hours.

 

It's four hours round trip, plus the time spent at the family's home. And if you only have one day off, that's a lot of time. Age has nothing to do with it.

[salparadise]

And it is your decision, and your decision only, if you are ok with that reason. Whatever the reason is, you need to decide if that works for you in a relationship.

 

I agree with what you said up to this last bit. I contend that she needs to accept his decision AND understand that it's entirely his decision to make... and not create a dramatic episode over it even if it's not what she wanted.

 

To clarify, we aren't talking about refusal to EVER go for a holiday dinner with her family. That would be a different discussion entirely. He has one day off (presumably) and her family is a 4 hour round trip. Add the time spent there and it probably means a long, stressful day instead of a chance to rest and recharge for the coming week.

 

Also, it's a new relationship. They're just dating, not engaged or married... not that either of those would negate his autonomy. She is treating him like an extension of herself rather than as an individual with his own needs and preferences.

 

That part is not healthy, so here's where I disagree - if she's going to be upset and turn his reasonable need for autonomy into relationship drama ever time his preference is not synonymous with hers, that's a problem on her end.

Edited March 23, 2016 by salparadise

[startinganew777]

I don't think I would ever expect my BF to spend his Sunday, his day off, driving 4 hours for Easter. Maybe Christmas or Thanksgiving, but not Easter. I'm Christian too but it is just Easter. Not a big deal. If your family function was in town, well yeah, I would be upset and wonder why he wouldn't want to attend but to expect him to drive half the day for a dinner, I think that is asking too much. Sounds like Easter isn't a big deal to him, some people just don't care. I don't care about Easter either. I wouldn't cause a big issue over this. Not worth it. It will def push him away.

 

 

Maybe just let this one go, if this is something he starts doing a lot, maybe there is a problem but I for one would really not want to drive a 4 hour round trip for Easter. Would much rather stay home and relax on my day off.

[strawberryshortstack]

I agree with what you said up to this last bit. I contend that she needs to accept his decision AND understand that it's entirely his decision to make... and not create a dramatic episode over it even if it's not what she wanted.

 

 

 

I don't think that's what Jejangles meant. I think she meant that it was the OP's right to decide if his reason was something she could accept and continue the relationship (determining compatibility), not that she should try to change his mind or cause drama over it. If she can accept his reason, then she should carry on. If she can't, she should end the relationship (without drama!), because this indicates incompatibility.

 

To clarify, we aren't talking about refusal to EVER go for a holiday dinner with her family. That would be a different discussion entirely. He has one day off (presumably) and her family is a 4 hour round trip. Add the time spent there and it probably means a long, stressful day instead of a chance to rest and recharge for the coming week.

 

Also, it's a new relationship. They're just dating, not engaged or married... not that either of those would negate his autonomy. She is treating him like an extension of herself rather than as an individual with his own needs and preferences.

 

That part is not healthy, so here's where I disagree - if she's going to be upset and turn his reasonable need for autonomy into relationship drama ever time his preference is not synonymous with hers, that's a problem on her end.

 

Everything else you wrote, I'm in complete agreement with.

[Jejangles]

I don't think that's what Jejangles meant. I think she meant that it was the OP's right to decide if his reason was something she could accept and continue the relationship (determining compatibility), not that she should try to change his mind or cause drama over it. If she can accept his reason, then she should carry on. If she can't, she should end the relationship (without drama!), because this indicates incompatibility.

 

Everything else you wrote, I'm in complete agreement with.

 

Thanks shystrawberry, that's exactly what I meant! There should be no drama or histrionics, it's just one of those occasions where you evaluate who you are and who your significant other is, and whether you are on the same page. Not saying it's a dealbreaker or to break up right away - rather just something to note and see how it progresses in future.

 

Relationships live or die by moments, both big and small, that reveal core values and priorities. We add up those moments over time and decide whether the other person is right for us.

[Gaeta]

I don't think I would ever expect my BF to spend his Sunday, his day off, driving 4 hours for Easter. Maybe Christmas or Thanksgiving, but not Easter. I'm Christian too but it is just Easter..

 

Easter is the most important religious holiday for Christians. Yes Xmas is celebrated more but in terms of importance it's Easter. Easter is the resurrection of Christ, this is on what the entire Christianity is based on, not his birth.

 

Also, this is not about if he deems the holiday worthy of 2 hour driving. If it where then couples of opposite religions would never attend each others church or synagogues. The issue here is not Easter, the issue is that Easter Sunday is important to OP. That is the base of this thread.

 

Distance is relative. I drive 1 hour each morning to go to work and 1 hour back each night. A 2 hour drive to spend the day with my boyfriend wouldn't kill me. We also all assumed he would have to drive back on same day but maybe he doesn't have to.

[spriggan2]

I read the first page of comments, personally I don't get the dude. What's one Sunday? I work 7 days a week and HATE family crap...super awkward for me, yet I would do it for my GF if I knew it was important to her and I'd have a big smile on my face. Id feel bad imagining her facing her fam and explaining why her BF isn't there when he's not busy, but hey it happens.

 

Now one thing that would irritate me is if I said no and she wouldn't accept that. That is controlling.

 

OP have you considered telling him that this won't be a regular thing, only on rare special occasions? If he never wants to join you on family activities imo that is unreasonable. If you always want him to participate imo that too is unreasonable. Find an amount you can both agree on. Maybe give him a pass this time since he did December.

[katiegrl]

I read the first page of comments, personally I don't get the dude. What's one Sunday? I work 7 days a week and HATE family crap...super awkward for me, yet I would do it for my GF if I knew it was important to her and I'd have a big smile on my face. Id feel bad imagining her facing her fam and explaining why her BF isn't there when he's not busy, but hey it happens.

 

Now one thing that would irritate me is if I said no and she wouldn't accept that. That is controlling.

 

OP have you considered telling him that this won't be a regular thing, only on rare special occasions? If he never wants to join you on family activities imo that is unreasonable. If you always want him to participate imo that too is unreasonable. Find an amount you can both agree on. Maybe give him a pass this time since he did December.

 

That's great spriggan.... but would you do it if it required you to drive FOUR HOURS (total back and forth) in one day? On your only day off?

 

And would you do it if your girlfriend demanded it from you (or sorry expected it)?

 

I think these are questions we need to get from the OP.

 

Specifically how exactly she broached this subject with him. If she made it sound like a demand or an expectation, I can definitely understand his hesitation.

 

And note he has not said no yet, only that he isn't excited about the idea, which can't say I blame him quite frankly.... who wants to drive four hours to schmooze with family you just schmoozed with two months prior for her birthday?

 

The way she worded her question to us ("is it wrong of me to push or make him"?)... combined with her thinking about issuing him some sort of ultimatum, speaks volumes IMO and doesn't bode well as to her frame of mind re such things or her overall nature and how she chooses to conduct herself in her relationships.

Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[TaraMaiden2]

...

I think these are questions we need to get from the OP....

I think, if this is the same guy, the OP also needs to refer to the answers in that thread too...

[spriggan2]

That's great spriggan.... but would you do it if it required you to drive FOUR HOURS (total back and forth) in one day? On your only day off?

 

And would you do it if your girlfriend demanded it from you (or sorry expected it)?

 

I think these are questions we need to get from the OP.

 

Specifically how exactly she broached this subject with him. If she made it sound like a demand or an expectation, I can definitely understand his hesitation.

 

The way she worded her question to us ("is it wrong of me to push or make him"?)... combined with her thinking about issuing him some sort of ultimatum, speaks volumes IMO and doesn't bode well as to her frame of mind re such things or her overall nature and how she chooses to conduct herself in her relationships.

 

Well I don't have any days off due to full time job and part time job. Two hours there and back doesn't really mean anything imo, as basically I would see it as giving up a day for my GF, in which case whether it be 4hrs of driving or 8hrs of driving I wouldn't be making any other plans for that day. This is a day for her not me. I'm not trying to say I'm the most generous guy, but giving up a day doesn't seem so bad. As long as it's not too often.

 

That being said, you are right, demanding it or expecting it imo is totally wrong. You put the wish out there and let the other person agree to it, trusting that he's considered your hopes, and that he cares about you, and if he says no, then he has a good reason for doing so. Let him be. Thats what I meant by not controlling.

[katiegrl]

I think, if this is the same guy, the OP also needs to refer to the answers in that thread too...

 

Thanks for posting that Tara.

 

I refer y'all back to my earlier post (58) wherein I said there was more to this story than what she was sharing with us now.

[salparadise]

I don't think that's what Jejangles meant. I think she meant that it was the OP's right to decide if his reason was something she could accept and continue the relationship (determining compatibility), not that she should try to change his mind or cause drama over it. If she can accept his reason, then she should carry on. If she can't, she should end the relationship (without drama!), because this indicates incompatibility.

 

I don't think I misunderstood. What I'm saying is that she should acknowledge and respect his autonomy, without creating relationship drama, and if she can't then she should try to gain some awareness and make adjustments to her thinking and expectations.

 

Yea, of course we all have the right to end any relationship for any reason in the absolute sense. That's not the point. I'm saying her expectation that she has the right to dictate terms, and that he should have no autonomy to decide... or else she'll break up... is dysfunctional as hell.

[TunaCat]

I think this is the first time I've ever been legitimately torn. On one hand, 3 months into an exclusive relationship is still really early and to make Easter into this production for someone's boyfriend seems crazy to me and it sounds like it would put a lot of pressure on him and that's not fair to him and the OP should NOT be insisting that he attend.

 

On the other hand though, I am extremely close to my family and we're super big on the holidays. Easter dinner is a low key event for us as we focus more on the "being together" part. If I was seeing someone, they would be invited to dinner and I would want them to come spend time with my family because that's important to me.

 

Add in all the other factors that the OP has laid out for us and I am still legitimately confused about what her boyfriend should do. I do know that the OP should not make his decision something she breaks up with him over (unless there are other things I don't know about)

[polkadotspots]

Oh wow I did not think this thread would generate so many responses.

 

I just want to address that I realize I can't ever MAKE my boyfriend do anything. I certainly am not going to make him come over or threaten him with empty threats over this. I was just wondering if I have a legitimate reason to be concerned at him not wanting to spend one free day, which also happens to be a holiday, with my family. Now I freely admit that this is because he has his own place and I don't and thus we have more privacy at his place, but I'm pretty much the one in the relationship that consistently makes the 4 hour round trip so we can see each other. I've driven up in the past just to help him move into his new apartment because I knew it would mean a lot to him, even if I didn't necessarily find it fun or exciting. My mom mentioned that since I visit him so frequently he should make the effort to spend one day with us down here and I'm wondering if she has some insight into this.

 

I am also certainly not a controlling or suffocating person I am one of the most laid back persons that I know of, even my bf has told me he likes that there's no drama with me.

 

Now I realize that he might not want to spend a free day driving 4 hours on the road, but he means a lot to me so even on days when I have worked all day and am tired I still brave crazy rush hour traffic (the traffic between our two cities is terrible) and make the effort to see him. I was hoping he might make the same effort to come spend Easter with my family.

[LexiB]

It's really a bit much to extrapolate this when the guy is turning down ONE event in a 3-month-old relationship and has already attended another family event during that timespan! If it's that important to her that a guy constantly take 4 hour round trips with her to see her family, every month or two, then yeah, they're probably not compatible. But extrapolating his refusal to mean that he's the sort of person who would NEVER attend a family event is excessive, especially when he has already proven that that isn't true.

 

This, and really, who gives a flying fig about Easter? I didn't even know it was this weekend until I read the OP.

[katiegrl]

Now I realize that he might not want to spend a free day driving 4 hours on the road, but he means a lot to me so even on days when I have worked all day and am tired I still brave crazy rush hour traffic (the traffic between our two cities is terrible) and make the effort to see him. I was hoping he might make the same effort to come spend Easter with my family.

 

That is your choice though.... does he ask you to make that drive after work when you're tired?

 

And just because YOU make the choice to do something, does not obligate him to make the same choice.... lest you think you don't mean a lot to him or that he doesn't care.

 

If this were me, my response would be to say "okay no problem, enjoy your day"! And I would mean it.

 

Resentment that you're giving more than he is unhealthy.

 

If you start feeling resentful that you're giving more....then simply give less, that's all.

 

Or better yet, simply chill, and appreciate all the ways he DOES give and show he cares!

 

I hope y'all can work this out.... best of luck!

Edited March 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[mortensorchid]

I would be careful with this prospect, but then again I have had some strange reactions from past bfs / friends when they meet my family. Since I don't know anything about you or your bf, meeting the person's family is a big deal. Are they a lot of fun or are they stiff? And is your bf a lot of fun or stiff? When the two opposites come together, that's ... Awkward. My family tends to be very stiff and when I have introduced friends or bfs to them, the friends / bfs tend to be very intimidated by them. We're serious people and we don't do anything in between. I think they feel intimidated by them.

 

As to the specific situation, maybe he wants just a day at home to relax and not have a drive. How did things go when he met them the first time? I'm always wary about introducing someone to my family, I don't want the other person to feel intimidated by them. But I don't think it's unreasonable by any means to not introduce someone to your family once you are at the 7 month marker. It would be if you were only together for 6 weeks. And of course if you still lived at home with your parents you have no choice but to have them meet him, but ... Be cautious.