Ex contacting me after three months...[updated 2016-07-26]

[Zahara]

I don't want to cut contact because I like having him back around but at the same time I still feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship with him and it's hurting me. Advice? Opinions?

 

OP, you're smart enough to know that he's with you because it's easy -- he gets all the benefits of a relationship minus the commitment. It's an awesome deal -- sex with zero effort. I mean, you even acknowlede you're being foolish -- so you know your truth. You just want what you cannot have and you think that sleeping with him will entice him to have a relationship with you. If anything, he's demoted you to sex buddy.

 

This is pretty straightforward. You like having him back BUT you will not get what you want. So, you either exit or you stay. There is no in between.

[CatcherintheRye]

OP, you're smart enough to know that he's with you because it's easy -- he gets all the benefits of a relationship minus the commitment. It's an awesome deal -- sex with zero effort. I mean, you even acknowlede you're being foolish -- so you know your truth. You just want what you cannot have and you think that sleeping with him will entice him to have a relationship with you. If anything, he's demoted you to sex buddy.

 

This is pretty straightforward. You like having him back BUT you will not get what you want. So, you either exit or you stay. There is no in between.

 

It's not that I'm using sex as a way to win him back. It's just very comfortable and, since neither of us have slept with other people the entire time we have been broken up, it kind of feels like cheating to have sex with someone else.

 

I'm just not one to sleep around, so he's not making my number of sex partners go up and it's very comfortable so that's a win. Sex isn't as much of an emotional thing for me.

 

He acted like he was considering reconciling though the last time I brought it up. I told him that I wanted to get back together and he said, "you always told me you didn't want that." Which, I did because at the time I didn't want to get back together at first. Thad when he brought up that he thinks the old problems would just come back.

 

Maybe I can give an ultimatum?

[LD1990]

It's not that I'm using sex as a way to win him back. It's just very comfortable and, since neither of us have slept with other people the entire time we have been broken up, it kind of feels like cheating to have sex with someone else.

 

You think he and his ex were hanging out again to chat about politics? You're being naive if you're assuming he didn't sleep with anyone else.

 

Maybe I can give an ultimatum?

 

Anytime you have to give someone an ultimatum, it's not a good sign. Don't you want someone who loves you enough that you don't need to play "Let's Make a Deal" to be in a relationship? It's not exactly the most romantic story to tell any future kids, either.

 

"How'd you and Dad fall in love?"

"Well, we were hooking up but he didn't want a relationship so I gave him an ultimatum!"

 

I've been the guy that has ghosted and then come back months later. Never with an actual girlfriend, but with FWBs. Know why I'd contact them months later? To get laid, that's it, and I guarantee that's why your ex contacted you again months later. Right now he's getting exactly what he wants from you, which is sex. He doesn't want to commit, and if you try to force it, he'll likely just make up some excuse about why he wants to take things slowly.

[Zahara]

Maybe I can give an ultimatum?

 

Sex is comfortable but the sexual relationship is hurting you.

 

What is the ultimatum? No sex until you give me a relationship?

[CatcherintheRye]

You think he and his ex were hanging out again to chat about politics? You're being naive if you're assuming he didn't sleep with anyone else.

 

 

 

Anytime you have to give someone an ultimatum, it's not a good sign. Don't you want someone who loves you enough that you don't need to play "Let's Make a Deal" to be in a relationship? It's not exactly the most romantic story to tell any future kids, either.

 

"How'd you and Dad fall in love?"

"Well, we were hooking up but he didn't want a relationship so I gave him an ultimatum!"

 

I've been the guy that has ghosted and then come back months later. Never with an actual girlfriend, but with FWBs. Know why I'd contact them months later? To get laid, that's it, and I guarantee that's why your ex contacted you again months later. Right now he's getting exactly what he wants from you, which is sex. He doesn't want to commit, and if you try to force it, he'll likely just make up some excuse about why he wants to take things slowly.

 

I can guarantee he didn't, at least not with her. Haha

He told me hasnt and I guess he could be lying but that's really not important.

I guess you're right about trying to force it. If it's forced it won't work.

[CatcherintheRye]

Sex is comfortable but the sexual relationship is hurting you.

 

What is the ultimatum? No sex until you give me a relationship?

 

The sex isn't important. The sexual relationship isn't hurting me. The lack of commitment is bothering me. Which he thinks saying "I'm not looking for anyone else" to will make it all better. I don't like the idea of either one of us dropping each other when/if we find someone else.

 

As much as I don't want to get hurt and as cool as it sounds for me to ditch him for someone else and him possibly feel a loss of some sort, I really don't want to do that to him either...

 

I guess I don't want to consider that he's telling me things to keep me around. I'd like to think he really does love me and all that crap.

[Zahara]

The sex isn't important. The sexual relationship isn't hurting me. The lack of commitment is bothering me. Which he thinks saying "I'm not looking for anyone else" to will make it all better. I don't like the idea of either one of us dropping each other when/if we find someone else.

 

As much as I don't want to get hurt and as cool as it sounds for me to ditch him for someone else and him possibly feel a loss of some sort, I really don't want to do that to him either...

 

I guess I don't want to consider that he's telling me things to keep me around. I'd like to think he really does love me and all that crap.

 

As I said before, sex is a benefit for HIM. Without ever putting in any effort but a few words, you sleep with him and you give him exactly what he wants while denying yourself of what you want.

 

Of course he is saying he is not looking for anyone. If he said he was looking for someone, the sex would stop and he will be denied his benefits. You don't like the idea that you may be dropped if he finds someone, well it's reality.

 

It doesn't sound cool to drop him? -- it's the emotionally smart and healthy thing to do. I'm sorry -- he's not going to feel a loss as in a loss for you but rather a loss for easy sex.

 

If he valued you, you wouldn't be where you are.

 

And the excuse is that the old issues will return -- right. You can't be that blind unless you are choosing to do so.

[Zahara]

I read your past thread about him. Potentially cheated on you. Ghosted you for a week and then coldly dumped you. You let him back in so easily months later. Now he's having sex with you without the commitment because of some BS excuse.

 

I'm sorry, OP. You've established yourself as someone that requires no effort. As I said before, this is where you will stay.

[LD1990]

Zahara is absolutely right. CatcherintheRye, when someone is in love, they want it to be serious. When they're not, they do what your ex is doing - make up excuses for keeping things casual or just find a way to change the subject when that conversation comes up.

[Lois_Griffin]

I get it!

Well, you obviously DON'T get it.

I just don't understand why after all that, he keeps telling me that he doesn't want a relationship.

It ain't rocket science. He wants sex. You're happy to give it to him, so he continues to hint about wanting a relationship when it's NOT what he wants. But he knows that hinting about it keeps you foolishly having sex with him.

I said I didn't need any more friends, especially friends that don't like seeing me with other male friends. And he said he thinks all the past issues will come back.

I have to admit that it's quite comical what an obvious liar this guy is. He proclaims his loooooooooove for you and tells how it just kills him to think of you with someone else, and all this hogwash. Then, when you ask him to put his money where his mouth is and be more than FWBs (because that's what you are), the excuses start spewing forth so fast he probably stutters.

 

The only 'monogamy' he's interested in - as far as you're concerned - is that you don't let any other guys play with his toy. Men are like dogs - they like don't other dogs wizzing on their hydrants. It has nothing to do with love. It's about ego.

[rester]

This guy ghosted me when we broke up. I went total NC and almost at the three month mark he contacted me again. We've been talking since March.

 

He has refused to talk about the breakup and doesn't want to "bring up the past."

He tells me he loves me and calls me pet names and says he can't stand the idea of me with someone else. Foolishly, I know, we are sleeping together and sometimes he spends the night. I get that it's stupid of me, I don't need anyone pointing that out. I get it!

 

I just don't understand why after all that, he keeps telling me that he doesn't want a relationship. The last time I brought it up (its been like three total) he said, "tell me what I need to do." And I said I didn't want to be his back up plan. I told him we could drop each other at any point and I don't want either of us to get hurt. And he said he wanted me around as a friend, even if all the other stuff stops.

 

I said I didn't need any more friends, especially friends that don't like seeing me with other male friends. And he said he thinks all the past issues will come back.

 

I don't want to cut contact because I like having him back around but at the same time I still feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship with him and it's hurting me. Advice? Opinions?

 

Look at what I bolded. He is telling you he doesn't want a relationship. He means it. You are a short term thing for him and do not have long term potential. As soon as you push to make things more serious, he's going to run. And he already ran once and you took him back, so now he has less respect for you and thinks he'll be able to do the same again. He doesn't even have enough respect for you to tell you what happened the first time.

 

Also, he "sometimes" spends the night?? He likes you as a friend and likes the sex but he is using you for sex and companionship until you have enough self-respect to end it or he finds someone else.