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Ex contacting me after three months...[updated 2016-07-26]

CatcherintheRye

By CatcherintheRye
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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I know I shouldn't be checking his Facebook, but he went and changed his profile picture and his ex, who just got back from her mission the beginning of November, liked it.

 

I wonder if that was who he was texting. I'm trying not to stalk and trying not to over analyze but, Jesus, it's hard.

Triggs1234 Member

Triggs1234

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I know I shouldn't be checking his Facebook, but he went and changed his profile picture and his ex, who just got back from her mission the beginning of November, liked it.

 

I wonder if that was who he was texting. I'm trying not to stalk and trying not to over analyze but, Jesus, it's hard.

 

 

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Im just trying to see the similarities... I did the FB thing but then stopped because it drove me crazy. She ended up blocking me like I said after NC For a while

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Im just trying to see the similarities... I did the FB thing but then stopped because it drove me crazy. She ended up blocking me like I said after NC For a while

 

I'm 20 and so is my ex. How old are you and your ex?

 

It's just crazy-making. I already tend to over analyze, but if she just go back from her mission and suddenly is liking his pictures which she hasn't before, something just seems weird. I'm angry. I think I've finally entered the angry stage of post-breakup.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I'm sure some people get tired of seeing the same responses to these threads. "Go NC." "Delete and block from social media." "Delete phone number; block if necessary."

 

But they're repeated endlessly for a reason.

 

Your last couple of posts are exactly why you shouldn't be FB friends with him. Stop finding ways to over-analyze and drive yourself insane. Not deleting and blocking for you right now would be like someone trying to quit smoking and keeping a pack of cigarettes stashed away in the desk drawer. Sure, you're trying to quit, but you're enabling temptation to exist right in front of you.

Gmuck Member

Gmuck

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Well luckily you are a female and from what I've seen on hundreds of posts is guys do eventually try to come back. I'm a guy and I've never done it but I was the dumpee so it wasn't my call. So I would say there's a good chance solely based on the high number of posts that prove most guys try to come back in some way. Relationship or for sex. On the flip side, good luck finding many posts on here where guys are posting about the female dumper coming back. Move on if you can. Go on some dates, it will be awkward at first but other guys showing you interest helps you take off those rose colored glasses that keeps you hanging on to him.

marky00 Established Member

marky00

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Well luckily you are a female and from what I've seen on hundreds of posts is guys do eventually try to come back. I'm a guy and I've never done it but I was the dumpee so it wasn't my call. So I would say there's a good chance solely based on the high number of posts that prove most guys try to come back in some way. Relationship or for sex. On the flip side, good luck finding many posts on here where guys are posting about the female dumper coming back. Move on if you can. Go on some dates, it will be awkward at first but other guys showing you interest helps you take off those rose colored glasses that keeps you hanging on to him.

 

 

This is true.

 

Guys often don't get in touch with their real emotions and often rush the BU and often regret it later. However the main reason guys return is ego driven. If the dumpee goes cold turkey on them, believe me they will notice and they will return.

 

The only female dumpers that come back are the extremely selfish ones. Oh wait my Ex was extremely selfish..... im in with a chance :)

Triggs1234 Member

Triggs1234

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I'm 20 and so is my ex. How old are you and your ex?

 

It's just crazy-making. I already tend to over analyze, but if she just go back from her mission and suddenly is liking his pictures which she hasn't before, something just seems weird. I'm angry. I think I've finally entered the angry stage of post-breakup.

 

I am 24 she is 25 (soon 26).

 

Trust me, I over analyzed everything afterwards. Some proved to be true, some not. It sucks.

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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I am 24 she is 25 (soon 26).

 

Trust me, I over analyzed everything afterwards. Some proved to be true, some not. It sucks.

 

I blocked him after I confirmed he really did add his ex as soon as we broke up basically. That's pretty cool. Coincidentally she gets back from her mission and, after being together over a year, we're done just like that and suddenly there she is.

 

I'm seriously so pissed. He's blocked, but it doesn't change the fact that he's a crappy person.

Edited by CatcherintheRye
  • 3 months later...
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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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So my ex broke up with me by ghosting me, disappearing out of my life and not answering my calls, and we were officially broken up around the beginning of December.

 

Of course, I was pretty pissed, so I've stayed NC, blocked him on Facebook and took the time to heal. Here we are about 3 months later and he's texting me...a lot. We went for a ride on his motorcycle and then out to eat a couple of times.

I wouldn't mind being friends probably, I'm testing the waters so far...but some things he's doing are making me think he wants otherwise.

 

For example, after the second day, he sends me texts all day. He'll even double text if I don't reply for a while. We were riding on his motorcycle and he, like, rubbed my leg for a second when I stated I was cold.

 

He, in all this texting the past few days, has not mentioned anything about his feelings, our previous relationship, or the breakup (and neither have I). Should I just continue with this and not say anything about us and see what he says? As much as I love him, the relationship wasn't good enough to go back to and I doubt he's changed in three months.

Edited by CatcherintheRye
Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

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So now he's "ghosting" you in a different way: reappearing in your life with no explanation or apology for his past behavior and moving things along to an unspoken and unknown destination. Is a grown man this woefully inept at basic communication and common decency really someone you want in your life?

 

I get that having someone come back who cruelly ghosted you is a real high of vindication and validation, but...you seem to be letting him off the hook awfully easily and I fear you are only opening the door to getting hurt all over again, in exactly the same way as before. His failure to address what caused him to ghost you proves in spades that he hasn't changed his stripes--not even one little stripe.

 

He doesn't sound worth one moment of your time, or deserving of it.

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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Thanks, GreenCove!

What course of action do you think I should take?

 

We have a mutual group of friends I'm really close to and us being friends again would make it easier to hang out with them, so some communication would be nice.

 

At the same time, since he broke up with me, I don't want to come off seeming like I still want a relationship with him by asking him what he wants with us. I don't want to risk giving him the satisfaction of misconstruing my words to boost his ego. I refuse to be in a relationship with him ever again!

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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You've got nothing for me guys?

Heatemyheart89 Established Member

Heatemyheart89

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Hmmm. He ghosted you, now he is back with no explanation. What do you really want? He could ghost you as a friend too. Be careful.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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So, did he just disappear and that is why you assumed you were both broken up or did he let you know he was ending it and then cut contact with you?

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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He ghosted me for almost a week, then after promoting from our mutual friend, he finally texted me to tell me it's over.

 

I'd like to be friends. Like I said, it would ease the tension when hanging out with mutual friends and I could actually see them when he's there too...I just don't want him getting haughty, thinking I want him back. He's very prideful.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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He ghosted me for almost a week, then after promoting from our mutual friend, he finally texted me to tell me it's over.

 

I'd like to be friends. Like I said, it would ease the tension when hanging out with mutual friends and I could actually see them when he's there too...I just don't want him getting haughty, thinking I want him back. He's very prideful.

 

Honestly, if someone treated me that way, they would not meet the criteria of being my friend -- especially a guy you stated is a crappy person. I have to wonder what your real intentions are with being friends.

 

If you want to be friends with him, create boundaries. There is no need for you to be getting too close since you once dated him, but most importantly taking into account the shabby way he treated you pre-breakup.

 

There is no need to be communicating that much and there is no need to be taking rides with him if you're trying to draw a line.

Edited by Zahara
Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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He ghosted me for almost a week, then after promoting from our mutual friend, he finally texted me to tell me it's over.

 

I'd like to be friends. Like I said, it would ease the tension when hanging out with mutual friends and I could actually see them when he's there too...I just don't want him getting haughty, thinking I want him back. He's very prideful.

 

I think you do want him back. Why else would you even consider being friends with someone who did you dirty like that? It makes no sense and no, I don't buy the mutual friend thing. It's a horrible idea and will just encourage him to treat you like crap in the future.

 

You teach people how to treat you. And by being friends with this person, you're teaching him that he can do whatever he wants to you.

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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Honestly, if someone treated me that way, they would not meet the criteria of being my friend -- especially a guy you stated is a crappy person. I have to wonder what your real intentions are with being friends.

 

If you want to be friends with him, create boundaries. There is no need for you to be getting too close since you once dated him, but most importantly taking into account the shabby way he treated you pre-breakup.

 

There is no need to be communicating that much and there is no need to be taking rides with him if you're trying to draw a line.

 

What boundaries do I draw? I've literally never had to do this before, I've had two LTRs and the first one we just barely got back in touch after 3 years NC.

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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I don't plan to let him close enough to do anything again. I just said multiple times I don't want him back by the way.

 

I'd ideally like to be on less awkward speaking terms.

Edited by CatcherintheRye
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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What boundaries do I draw? I've literally never had to do this before, I've had two LTRs and the first one we just barely got back in touch after 3 years NC.

 

No need for texting "a lot". There is no need to go out eating with him. There is no need to go riding with him. There is no need to hang out with him. If you see him in passing, just nod, say hello and move on.

 

This guy disposed of you and didn't even have the decency to treat you with kindness and empathy. He hits the reset button and you just let him back into your life again like nothing ever happened.

 

If you just want to be civil, then keep your distance and treat him like an acquaintance, not a friend because he isn't one.

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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No need for texting "a lot". There is no need to go out eating with him. There is no need to go riding with him. There is no need to hang out with him. If you see him in passing, just nod, say hello and move on.

 

This guy disposed of you and didn't even have the decency to treat you with kindness and empathy. He hits the reset button and you just let him back into your life again like nothing ever happened.

 

If you just want to be civil, then keep your distance and treat him like an acquaintance, not a friend because he isn't one.

 

Thank you for putting it into perspective. I think I was over complicating it in my head. That's exactly what I needed!

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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I don't plan to let him close enough to do anything again. I just said multiple times I don't want him back by the way.

 

I'd ideally like to be on less awkward speaking terms.

 

I know that's what you're typing, but the rest of what you're typing suggests otherwise. Like Zahara said, if you truly don't want him back, then a simple polite "hi" or nod is sufficient. You don't need to be spending any significant time with this person.

Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

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Hi CitR.

 

I had a post to you typed out from last night, and then was off my computer most of the day. Before I posted it, I re-read your original post (the first one on this combined thread). And my advice changed.

 

What remains the same is that if you are to have any contact with him, you must address how things were left several months ago. I think since you are communicating now, you should initiate a direct, honest, clear discussion about how the way things were left made you feel, and any regrets you have on your end. If he cannot rise to the occasion and respond in kind, then I don't think you need to have anything further to do with him, save the occasional greeting when you see him out and about.

 

Your original post mentions that he was dealing with the loss of a friend. I'm assuming the friend died? Perhaps your ex really is struggling; the things you said he said to you before going ghost sound like depression (e.g., "I'm going nowhere," etc.). Now, this is not and was not your responsibility, and ideally he would have had the maturity to tell you he was having a hard time rather than take it out on you. But you guys are both very young, and recognizing and taking responsibility for feelings around loss, love, etc. is challenging at any age. If you care about him--and it sounds like you do--give BOTH of you an opportunity to have a meaningful discussion about the past. That way, no matter what his response or reaction, you at least know you tried, and put your very best out there.

 

Note: I'm NOT suggesting you get back together, simply that you open the lines of clear communication and take it from there. Post what happens and we can help.

  • 4 months later...
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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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This guy ghosted me when we broke up. I went total NC and almost at the three month mark he contacted me again. We've been talking since March.

 

He has refused to talk about the breakup and doesn't want to "bring up the past."

He tells me he loves me and calls me pet names and says he can't stand the idea of me with someone else. Foolishly, I know, we are sleeping together and sometimes he spends the night. I get that it's stupid of me, I don't need anyone pointing that out. I get it!

 

I just don't understand why after all that, he keeps telling me that he doesn't want a relationship. The last time I brought it up (its been like three total) he said, "tell me what I need to do." And I said I didn't want to be his back up plan. I told him we could drop each other at any point and I don't want either of us to get hurt. And he said he wanted me around as a friend, even if all the other stuff stops.

 

I said I didn't need any more friends, especially friends that don't like seeing me with other male friends. And he said he thinks all the past issues will come back.

 

I don't want to cut contact because I like having him back around but at the same time I still feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship with him and it's hurting me. Advice? Opinions?

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CatcherintheRye Member

CatcherintheRye

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I also brought up how close he seemed to get with HIS ex after we broke up and how they had a picture on Facebook together.

 

He proceeded to delete the picture and tell me he "hasn't talked to that bitch since we started talking."

 

He reassured me when I brought up the back-up plan thing that he wasn't looking for anyone else.

 

I just don't get why he says and does all these things like we are still together, but doesn't want to just make it official.

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