teacherman Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I've posted on other boards here detailing my girlfriend and I's troubles. In short - we've been dating for 3 years and live with each other. After much thought, I've decided my heart isn't completely in it and I need to break it off. I have never broken up with anyone (in a serious relationship) before. I've been in 3 including this one, and I have been the dumpee both previous times. I am having a lot of trouble with this... Every time we talk about our troubles she starts crying. When she starts crying, I feel awful. She really is a great person and has such a good heart, and she hasn't done much wrong to make me fall out of love - in my POV it's not her fault. So when she starts blaming herself and bawling, I feel like such a piece of crap. She says things like "We can work through this", "I want you to be the one so badly", and "Don't run at the first sign of trouble". It hits me hard. I know if I broke up with her it would absolutely crush her. And I still care about her and don't want to see her upset. What is the best way to break things to her? My secondary question is more about logistics...how should I do this? Should I get my ducks in a row first? By that I mean...find a new apartment, set a move out date, call bill companies, etc. then tell her? I feel like that would hit her like a ton of bricks, but would maybe be the cleanest break and make things less messy and would catapult us into NC sooner. 1
Beautifultoknow Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Sorry that's just terrible to read, the mindset of someone about break up with someone. I guess it's not your fault how disheartened I am. I want to say it's not fair for you to keep it a secret that you want to dump her as you go ahead and put your single life back together. You'll be even more cold when you dump her because you'll be even more used to the idea. I think you should tell her as soon as possible instead of letting more time pass. That's not fair. I feel like you might regret it and it's possible you don't know what you have or you think the grass is greener elsewhere. But do what you have to do. It will hurt her at first, but she will find a way over you. Maybe suggest this site to her as you leave it to begin your next charade. 3
Author teacherman Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Sorry that's just terrible to read, the mindset of someone about break up with someone. I guess it's not your fault how disheartened I am. I want to say it's not fair for you to keep it a secret that you want to dump her as you go ahead and put your single life back together. You'll be even more cold when you dump her because you'll be even more used to the idea. I think you should tell her as soon as possible instead of letting more time pass. That's not fair. I feel like you might regret it and it's possible you don't know what you have or you think the grass is greener elsewhere. But do what you have to do. It will hurt her at first, but she will find a way over you. Maybe suggest this site to her as you leave it to begin your next charade. I understand your point of view, but wouldn't living together post-breakup while looking for places to live be extremely difficult? 2
Beautifultoknow Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Yeah for you it will probably lessen any extra stress or saddness. But won't she have to look for a place to live post-break up!? It's only as difficult as you make it, for her it might give her time to grieve and look at you as an ex, before you just vanish. You want the easiest way out for yourself, and how can I blame you. We all fight for ourselves instead of looking out for our neighbors sometimes. It just seems terrible to keep that a secret while you continue living with her now. Be open and honest...that's what I believe. However she might try to get you to be with her again/beg once you deliver the shock...and who knows how long that might go on if you don't have an "escape plan". Maybe the sooner she can get back to herself without having to look at you. It is difficult but I'm sure if you were honest you could both come up with your escape plans at the same rate. 1
kztar Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Honestly I don't understand WHY you've taken SOOO long to pull the plug on this girl. I've seen some of your previous post and you go way back to September. You've been stringing her along for A WHILE now and believe me that's not fair to her. While you've been thinking and thinking she's been thinking that her fixing herself was going to work out and you know that you chose not to work things out with her. You need to do it ASAP and cut the cord. Unfortunately I think that you are just too young to sustain a real healthy relationship. You will crush her, but it seems like you "fell out of love with her" for all these little reasons. Most guys are not mature under 30. They may seem committed but when they start seeing other women and how pretty they are and bla bla bla they want out and experience new things. I see nothing wrong with that, however the issue that I have with that is that if you're young and you have not experienced these things you are going to break some hearts along the way so stay single until you're looking for a real partnership and commitment which ultimately leads to your end goal. Ill give you the perfect example, I was single for four years and got EVERYTHING out of my system. Once I met my ex-boyfriend I went from a crazy fun lifestyle to a more chill and relaxed lifestyle, yet I was looking for someone to settle settle meaning ultimately a relationship that leads towards marriage. Meaning when this is what you're looking for you don't just get in a relationship for the hell of it, you INVEST to be invested. With that being said you're not ready for all of that so stop wasting this poor girl's time. This should have been done a long time ago. She will be CRUSHED. 4
Author teacherman Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Honestly I don't understand WHY you've taken SOOO long to pull the plug on this girl. I've seen some of your previous post and you go way back to September. You've been stringing her along for A WHILE now and believe me that's not fair to her. While you've been thinking and thinking she's been thinking that her fixing herself was going to work out and you know that you chose not to work things out with her. You need to do it ASAP and cut the cord. Unfortunately I think that you are just too young to sustain a real healthy relationship. You will crush her, but it seems like you "fell out of love with her" for all these little reasons. Most guys are not mature under 30. They may seem committed but when they start seeing other women and how pretty they are and bla bla bla they want out and experience new things. I see nothing wrong with that, however the issue that I have with that is that if you're young and you have not experienced these things you are going to break some hearts along the way so stay single until you're looking for a real partnership and commitment which ultimately leads to your end goal. Ill give you the perfect example, I was single for four years and got EVERYTHING out of my system. Once I met my ex-boyfriend I went from a crazy fun lifestyle to a more chill and relaxed lifestyle, yet I was looking for someone to settle settle meaning ultimately a relationship that leads towards marriage. Meaning when this is what you're looking for you don't just get in a relationship for the hell of it, you INVEST to be invested. With that being said you're not ready for all of that so stop wasting this poor girl's time. This should have been done a long time ago. She will be CRUSHED. I appreciate your response...but you didn't answer either question I asked? I pretty much already realize everything you said. 2
elaine567 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 OK on the 9th of March you attempted to break up but lost your nerve basically. #56 YOU are wasting this girl's time, please get the courage to break up properly and DO NOT lead her to believe it is just a "break" and that you are going to get back with her later on. YOU have been thinking of breaking up with her for a while, mainly so you can pursue Cindy, so DO NOT get her hopes up to think that the separation is only temporary. YES, you will break her heart, but stringing her along even longer hoping that you will come back would be very cruel here. 4
Zahara Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Personally, having had a man drag me for far too long (my fault as well for letting him) -- I'd rather you go and QUICKLY get your apartment, then end it and move out. Cut the cord fast. A few more days of dragging it out won't make much of a difference. It's going to be harder for her to accept you ending it and having you in the apartment getting your ducks while she grieves. Stop delaying the inevitable and just put her out of her misery. She'll be crushed but at least it will just be temporary. What you're doing right now is a slow death. 5
Heatemyheart89 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Sort everything out asap and then dump her. Don't look back. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I know if I broke up with her it would absolutely crush her. And I still care about her and don't want to see her upset. What is the best way to break things to her? Do it one morning - not evening - she will have to sleep on it, and if it turns into an epic situation, you'll lose sleep. If you have work in the morning, it won't be beneficial to break up the previous evening. Timing is important. Ask anyone who's been broken up with: The nights are the worst, to begin with. First of all, advise a good friend of hers, and forewarn her that you're about to break up with her friend, and that she will need moral support. Give this friend a copy of the NC Guide and tell her to use it to support your GF - or ex, as she will be.... It's absolutely vital she be encouraged to stick to it 100%. Take her hands in yours, look her in the eye and tell her, calmly and gently, that you're ending this. It's not up for discussion. This is not something you feel you can invest your future in. You realise how much she loves you, but she can't love enough for two, and it's just not working for you. Make sure her friend can be on hand, to step in and be there with her, while the shock sets in. My secondary question is more about logistics...how should I do this? Should I get my ducks in a row first? By that I mean...find a new apartment, set a move out date, call bill companies, etc. then tell her? I feel like that would hit her like a ton of bricks, but would maybe be the cleanest break and make things less messy and would catapult us into NC sooner. Have an overnight bag packed and arrange to stay with a friend for no longer than 5 days. What is the situation with the apartment? Are both your names on the agreement? Utilities? Hard to advise on the logisitics unless we have a clearer picture.... 1
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Everyone here on LS knew this was coming. Get your ducks in a row. Have a new apartment & a move out date. Then tell her. Be matter of fact. There is no way to soften the blow so don't even try. Avoid telling her about this other woman you fancy. Do not go NC until you two have fully straightened out separating your living arrangements . . . getting the deposit on the apartment you share back; paying the last of the bills etc. Treat it like wrapping up a business. Be professional & polite but not lovely dovey. Keep the apologies to a minimum. the more you say you are sorry -- because you are sorry that you are causing her pain -- the more she is going to here that you might come back. Do not blame her for the break up or she will think if she changes you won't break up with her. Just end it. The cliche of "this just isn't working for me" will serve you well. Hurting somebody is never easier, nor should it be. But seriously, just rip the bandaid off. 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Everyone here on LS knew this was coming. Get your ducks in a row. Have a new apartment & a move out date. Then tell her. Be matter of fact. There is no way to soften the blow so don't even try. Avoid telling her about this other woman you fancy. Do not go NC until you two have fully straightened out separating your living arrangements . . . getting the deposit on the apartment you share back; paying the last of the bills etc. Treat it like wrapping up a business. Be professional & polite but not lovely dovey. Keep the apologies to a minimum. the more you say you are sorry -- because you are sorry that you are causing her pain -- the more she is going to here that you might come back. Do not blame her for the break up or she will think if she changes you won't break up with her. Just end it. The cliche of "this just isn't working for me" will serve you well. Hurting somebody is never easier, nor should it be. But seriously, just rip the bandaid off. You know those times when you wish you'd read previous threads/posts....? Well....
RandomTraveller Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 My 2 cents opinion: I think there may never be the right time to do this. But think for a second if you don't do it. Doing nothing is still taking a big decision. And time will pass and you two will just fight and build hidden hate/dislike towards each other. This could actually lead to your limits and in that moment you could do to her something really awful. Basically is much worse than "simply" breaking up right now. I think this is the most ideal you can get: - Tell her this immediately. Asap. Don't wait. - If she asks for reasons of BU and the truth can be more painful for her: don't tell the truth. My ex GF did exaclty that. Not only she told me the truth without any problems and made me feel worthless but also started to insult me and giving all the fault to me. Exactly the opposite thing of what you should do imo. The sterotypical reason: "It's not you. It's me. I'm not ready to continue this kind of relationship." Is 9000 times better of an harsh truth if you care about her. You may receive hate from her after this but is much better that she see that the problem is you, even if it's not true! This will not make her feel worthless. - Give her a period of time where you will still be available for her if she needs anything. Like 1 month. After that month tell her how much is important to start no contact to heal: for you but even much more for her. - In the aftermath never ask her stupid questions like: "How are you?" or **** like that. Be there for her only if she asks that! 1
kztar Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I missed this part. OP pack your bags today (go to paren's house or friend's house until you're settled), break up with her, be honest with her and this includes mentioning this other girl IF she asks, you've already betrayed her but it's better to hear it now than actually finding out a month or two later from other sources. Tell her this is it, there's no going back and get going. Figure out the finances and living situation such as breaking lease, and all those other things as soon as possible and then go NC for her own good. Good luck.
kztar Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 My 2 cents opinion: I think there may never be the right time to do this. But think for a second if you don't do it. Doing nothing is still taking a big decision. And time will pass and you two will just fight and build hidden hate/dislike towards each other. This could actually lead to your limits and in that moment you could do to her something really awful. Basically is much worse than "simply" breaking up right now. I think this is the most ideal you can get: - Tell her this immediately. Asap. Don't wait. - If she asks for reasons of BU and the truth can be more painful for her: don't tell the truth. My ex GF did exaclty that. Not only she told me the truth without any problems and made me feel worthless but also started to insult me and giving all the fault to me. Exactly the opposite thing of what you should do imo. The sterotypical reason: "It's not you. It's me. I'm not ready to continue this kind of relationship." Is 9000 times better of an harsh truth if you care about her. You may receive hate from her after this but is much better that she see that the problem is you, even if it's not true! This will not make her feel worthless. - Give her a period of time where you will still be available for her if she needs anything. Like 1 month. After that month tell her how much is important to start no contact to heal: for you but even much more for her. - In the aftermath never ask her stupid questions like: "How are you?" or **** like that. Be there for her only if she asks that! Truth hurts but rather hear the truth and be hurt 10X harder than listen to a lie. The truth will also help her move on. Trust me, she will not want you back EVER after you tell her the truth. It will hurt but it will be for the best.
LifeNomad Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 i know how u feel teacherman, im in same boat, ive tried telling my gf I need time and space at least 5 times and she starts crying and making me feel like a terrible person, I know shes a good person and she loves me and I don't even deserve to have someone like her, but I just feel like im not as happy as I should be with someone in a relationship I also have no experience breaking up with people so it hurts me too to see her sad and hurt and it makes me back down and say "ok nevermind I guess we can take it day by day", and it just seems like I feel "indifferent" I don't care if im with her or not, but I know for me its better if im not with her. I had come out of a 13 yr relationship when I met her and everything seemed like so new as far as dating and stuff and I moved too fast with her but now I see that I moved in too fast and I wanna be alone, so ill see what happens just wanted to post your not the only one going through this 1
Heatemyheart89 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 i know how u feel teacherman, im in same boat, ive tried telling my gf I need time and space at least 5 times and she starts crying and making me feel like a terrible person, I know shes a good person and she loves me and I don't even deserve to have someone like her, but I just feel like im not as happy as I should be with someone in a relationship I also have no experience breaking up with people so it hurts me too to see her sad and hurt and it makes me back down and say "ok nevermind I guess we can take it day by day", and it just seems like I feel "indifferent" I don't care if im with her or not, but I know for me its better if im not with her. I had come out of a 13 yr relationship when I met her and everything seemed like so new as far as dating and stuff and I moved too fast with her but now I see that I moved in too fast and I wanna be alone, so ill see what happens just wanted to post your not the only one going through this 5 times? Jeez break up with her already, no excuses. 2
Zahara Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 ive tried telling my gf I need time and space at least 5 times and she starts crying and making me feel like a terrible person, Time and space. If you've tried 5 times to ask for time and space, it's pretty apparent that you need to break-up and not ask for time and space. Do her a favor. Cut the cord. She will feel pain. We've all felt pain after a break-up but we've moved on. 3
CarrieT Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Teacherman, she probably knows it is coming because you have laid the groundwork. And you have been given some really good advice here on how to do it. Personally, I would find out if there is a place you can stay until you find your own place, do the break-up, and give her the apartment plus a timeline for you to move (it is now the 22nd, so I'm assuming you need at least 30-days notice so that will give you almost 5 1/2 weeks). Please be the good guy and continue to pay rent until you have both moved and dissolved common debts. Don't try and live there with her if at all possible. 5
Satu Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 This relationship is neither alive nor dead. Its 'undead,' and we all know that that isn't a good thing... Its time for decisive action. Stop the procrastination and do what has to be done. 2
Rachel39 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 After been the one which was strung along for sometime.... And I was told it was work and other things... It makes me feel so sad get her knowing what's about to happen. It's selfish and unfair for the girl she deserves to be told and to be with some one that will want her as much as she wants them and to be loved Not to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her and hasn't yet told her.... She will be heartbroken but 4 months down the line she will be starting to get over you. This is when you may decided you have mAde a mistake and want her back but just let her be
drewbee30 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 After being told I was dragged through the holidays and my bday since they are pretty close, grow some balls and end it. Stop wasting everyone's time!
Deidre Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 There is no easy way to break up. It hurts. It sucks. But, you are not into it, and she will resent you eventually, when you not being into it, really starts to show in the relationship. So, end it...she will cry and be hurt, but she will eventually heal. Part of this too, is that her whole life is turned upside down as she will have to find a place to live, etc. This is why so many people stay in crappy marriages for eons. It largely has to do with convenience. Not saying that's her reason for being upset, but I'm sure it's not helping that her living situation is going to incredibly change. I hope things get better for you both, though. You deserve happiness, and so does she.
mightycpa Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Yes, get your ducks in a row first, even if it costs you money. The one thing you should know is that breaking up for good out of the blue causes a lot more misery than if she has some time to get adjusted. Basically, it stretches out her misery over a longer period, and gives her a chance to build up to it. If she cries, she cries. Don't let that dissuade you. Don't necessarily move away on Day 1, although you need to be prepared to do so. She may want some time that doesn't require a move that day. Don't engage in sex once you've told her. Don't make out and don't encourage her. This won't last long. You're going to have to answer a lot of questions that you probably can't answer. If you have an answer, then answer honestly. If you don't know, then say you don't know. When you leave, and have a place to leave to, she's going to be disappointed, to say the least. It will be good for her to get some questions answered, and some frustrations out. If she tells you what a **** you are, then simply agree. There is no reason you can't learn something too. Within a week, you should be gone. It will be better if you leave her alone, that way she can grieve and get over you. After you go, it's up to her. Good luck.
Author teacherman Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 Thanks to everyone for the replies, especially LifeNomad. I appreciate it. I moved to our city for her - so I know very few people here that aren't her friends or family. Those that I do know, I would be uncomfortable staying with for more than a night. I don't know them well enough. For that reason, I've been researching apartments. Might go see a couple in the next day or two. When I'm looking up places to live, I feel this huge sense of dread...is that me simply not looking forward to this whole ordeal, or is it me wanting to stay with her? I've gotten a lot of judgment on this thread, which is understandable, but I would just like some advice. I already feel bad enough.
Recommended Posts