teacherman Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) Here's my scenario: My girlfriend and I met in college, in 2013. We'll call her Suzy. We have been dating 3 years as of next week. Our careers after college took us to separate locations, but last summer I was able to land a teaching job in her city so I moved to be with her. We moved in together in July. She's a wonderful person, and our relationship has been great up until now. Our sex life has been almost nonexistent and I have been having some doubts about things. Flashback to August. The school year started, and another teacher caught my eye, we'll call her Cindy. She's around my age and extremely beautiful, outside and in. We didn't really talk that much for the first few months of the school year, but hung out a few times with some other teachers. We've all gone out drinking and we have hung out at random school functions and sporting events and whatnot. Around Thanksgiving, she really started to creep into my thoughts more and more. We would text every so often, and learning more about her left me wanting more. We are both the same religion and have the same values. Fast forward to a recent weekend. Some teachers and I went out drinking (including Cindy), and another coworker (a woman, but a tomboy) talked to me about her. Something must have been obvious to her, because she told me that if I had ever even thought "what if" or the thought had crossed my mind to be with Cindy, I had to pursue it and I couldn't stay with my current girlfriend. Well...evidently as I was intoxicated, she made some sense to me. The next day I fessed up (it had been brewing inside me for awhile anyhow). I didn't profess my love to her, but told her I had indeed thought "what if", etc. about her. Cindy said she felt the same way (again, not professing love...) but that she did not want to come in between our relationship. Said she would feel wrong. She didn't promise anything, and we kept our feelings very vague. She said that if I broke up with Suzy and I asked her out on a date, she'd feel hesitant but she'd say yes. Since then, Cindy's been on my mind a lot. We pass in the hall and I get excited while trying to play it cool. I don't look forward to coming home and hanging out with Suzy as much anymore. I dread celebrating our anniversary almost. The thought has definitely been in my mind to end it...but I'm holding back because it's such a huge decision. I really don't want to look back on this and say "What if I had been with Cindy"...but I don't want to look back and say "What if I had stayed with Suzy". I haven't said anything about any of this to anyone except Cindy and my best friend. What do I do? Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Blanco Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Even if your relationship has naturally run its course and you two don't have a future together, don't waste too much time trying to figure it out. Your current girlfriend probably deserves more than to be the safe fallback plan, which right now, sounds like she is. Secondly, consider that part of Cindy's appeal is that she is new, exciting, mysterious. You know enough about her to entice you, but there's still a lot of mystery there; uncharted territory, and that can be intoxicating for someone who's in a relationship that's hit the point of being good, but routine and maybe a bit unexciting. I've never been married, but I'm sure plenty of married folks will tell you that there's going to come at least a few occasions during a marriage where you meet someone who entices you and makes you question, even in theory, if you'd be a better fit with them than your current partner. Just keep in mind that Cindy right now is an incomplete picture; a fantasy with no flaws. But it's not true. She's human, too. 9
Gershwin Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Break up with your gf, because that's the best thing & the least you can do for her. Pursue things with Cindy, maybe you will be very happy together, maybe you'll meet another Cindy in three years. 1
The Poster Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I always find these situations interesting, because it's the opposite side of the coin of what we're used to reading about. Usually we get Suzy sharing her heartbreak about how her boyfriend left her to pursue another woman. It's intriguing to see the other side. Anyway, Blanco pretty much hit the nail on the head. It's a gamble because Cindy appears to be just what you're looking for, but once you learn more about her and spend more time with her, you might not feel that way. The beginning of every relationship is exciting and breathtaking because there's so much unknown, yet so much chemistry. It's a tough spot to be in, because it's possible your relationship with Suzy has gone stale, but it could also be a rough patch that everyone goes through in relationships. What I fear most, is that you could leave Suzy for Cindy and then 6 months or a year down the line realize what an awful mistake you made. I've seen it before. The grass isn't always greener. You're going to have to make a decision though, and very soon. You can't string both of them along. I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but I would advise you to really think long and hard about it. Make sure this isn't just a phase where a new, pretty girl comes into your life so you think running off with her is going to make all your dreams come true. In the end, Suzy may become the one that got away. I wish you luck. Whatever road you choose, I hope you find it happy. 1
joseb Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I'll tell you what now to do. Don't go messing around with Cindy behind your girlfriends back. If you are no longer in love with your girlfriend, have the decency to break it off with her and not waste any more of her time. 8
Exotic Flesh Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Follow your heart, but use your mind and do not burn any bridges in the process. Take a break from your current girlfriend with no animosity the best way you can, and see where the relationship with the new woman leads. If you realize soon enough that you have made a mistake by straying, you may be able to later rekindle your previous relationship. However, you may realize that the new woman is "the right one" instead. See where fate leads by testing both possibilities. - Laurell.
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Our sex life has been almost nonexistent You cannot be in a relationship that has little or no sex in it for the rest of your life, that just doesn't work. You only moved in with Suzy in July and by August your mind was elsewhere with Cindy... Do your gf a favour and break up with her - it is going nowhere fast, it has run its course. It may or may not work out with Cindy but Suzy is no longer the girl of your dreams, so be honest and break up with her. Let her find someone who does want to have sex with her (and she with him), someone who has no "doubts about things" and who isn't fantasizing over someone else. Once free, then you can explore things with Cindy or someone else if that is how it pans out.
Lorenza Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 You're emotionally cheating on your girlfriend. That's just as bad as having sex with another woman behind her back. I'd be absolutely humiliated to find out I'm not on my boyfriend's mind for so many months and that he's been dreaming about someone else while keeping me delluded and optional. You got to break up with Suzy and stop being so selfish. 4
Lorenza Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Follow your heart, but use your mind and do not burn any bridges in the process. Take a break from your current girlfriend with no animosity the best way you can, and see where the relationship with the new woman leads. If you realize soon enough that you have made a mistake by straying, you may be able to later rekindle your previous relationship. However, you may realize that the new woman is "the right one" instead. See where fate leads by testing both possibilities. - Laurell. Are you kidding?? 6
Author teacherman Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 Thank you for all the replies and advice. I've decided to say something to my current girlfriend, but have no idea how to approach it. I have zero experience in this kind of situation. This is my 3rd long term relationship (the longest) and I have never initiated the break up or anything of the sort. She is such a sensitive person so I need to be careful about how I go about it.
road Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Thank you for all the replies and advice. I've decided to say something to my current girlfriend, but have no idea how to approach it. I have zero experience in this kind of situation. This is my 3rd long term relationship (the longest) and I have never initiated the break up or anything of the sort. She is such a sensitive person so I need to be careful about how I go about it. Tell the truth that your and her sex drive are not compatible. Time to move on the relationship will not work. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 It doesn't matter what you say. You are going to break your GF's heart. I'm a rip the band aid off kind of person so just do but make sure you have a place to live before you tell her or mess around with Cindy. Until you are free & clear of Suzy stay away from Cindy. Breaking up with Suzy will be bad enough; don't add insult to injury by cheating on her. Also give some thought to the financials. Are you both on the lease where you live now? The landlord is not obligated to let you off that lease. Can Suzy afford the apartment all by herself? Can you?
Saracena Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Though I'm aware it can be reflection of the overall quality of a relationship-where other areas are lacking- I'd be interested to know if it's the sex alone that is making you contemplate ending things? Have you discussed the difficulties at any point with your girlfriend and if so how has she responded?
905 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I'd also like to know if sex is the only problem in your current relationship. If not, what are the other problems? Have you and your girlfriend tried to make things better together? How often do you go on dates together?
GunslingerRoland Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Grass is always greener. You know all of your girlfriend flaws, and few of Cindy's. You need to evaluate your current relationship totally independently of what better relationships you think may be out there. I'm not saying be scared to break up, but there will always be someone "better" coming along. It sounds like your relationship was pretty good besides the sex... have you honestly tried everything you can to try and improve that?
ManyDissapoint Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 No sex, and your heart's not in it anymore. Even if there was sex that would probably be the case. Give your girlfriend the gift of honesty, which probably means breaking up. Please cool your jets with Cindy for a month or two before jumping into a relationship out of respect for your GF. My 2c
Author teacherman Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 No, sex isn't the only problem. It's not even a huge deal to me, although it's not what I'd like it to be. I'm trying to approach this from both a logical and emotional standpoint, although those contradict each other often. There are little things that were once cute that now annoy me. We have historically talked in somewhat of a baby talk every now and then when we're feeling lovey dovey. I used to love it but now I don't and try to avoid it. Little things that she does around the apartment get me. Her clothes are lying everywhere, she doesn't ever do the dishes or the trash or much of any cleaning for that matter. She gets too dramatic about work or responsibilities. It's hard for me to tell if this is a side effect of being roommates or if this is a sign of my love deteriorating. And of course the glaring problem, my feelings for Cindy. It's not just physical attraction, it's a mental/emotional one too.
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 It doesn't matter why you are done with your relationship. It only matters that you are done. When you break things off with Suzy don't tell her all the stuff you have told us. If you tell her about the things that annoy you, she will promise to change, she won't, & a few months down the road you will still be here. Also it gives her false hope like somehow if she stops the baby talk & picks up after herself she can save the relationship. Do not tell her about Cindy because she won't believe that you haven't physically cheated. Just say this isn't working for you any more & you want different things out of life. Do not throw break crumbs like saying you will always love her or you hope the two of you can be friends. Just let her hate you; she deserves that much at least. Implement NC on your side as soon as you financially & physically extricate yourselves from each other.
losangelena Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 You do realize that in every relationship, the lovey-dovey feelings fade and the little things start to bug. Love becomes an active daily choice, not just an easy-breezy feeling. It sounds like you've hit that point with Suzy, and instead of trying to work on it you've gone and got starry eyed for Cindy. Sorry, I guess I don't have a ton of respect for someone who doesn't seem, after a three-year relationship, to want to work things out. 3
Northwestern1011 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I'd also like to know if sex is the only problem in your current relationship. If not, what are the other problems? Have you and your girlfriend tried to make things better together? How often do you go on dates together? I agree with 905 here. I'm curious if sex is the only issue, because you don't mention any others. Also, I'm curious who's idea the "no sex" really is. You met Cindy around the same time your sex life took a nosedive--is it possibly you're not really wanting/seeking it with your gf because you're hot for the other teacher instead? You're already toeing the line on emotional cheating. Don't pursue both options at once. Cheating really screws with a woman's mind for a long time after. If you want to pursue this Cindy chick, go for it. Just remember she's novel new and exciting right now--she won't always been that way. There's times she'll gain or lose weight, wear glasses, get stressed out and not want sex at times either. I don't think suzy is a monster for getting comfortable in a relationship and thinking you'd still love her, it happens. You know Suzy. And there's likely a reason the relationship has lasted this long--3 years is a long time. But if it's run its course, it's run its course. Break up with her and go after the new girl. And if things don't work out, don't even think about running back to Suzy.
losangelena Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I agree with 905 here. I'm curious if sex is the only issue, because you don't mention any others. Also, I'm curious who's idea the "no sex" really is. You met Cindy around the same time your sex life took a nosedive--is it possibly you're not really wanting/seeking it with your gf because you're hot for the other teacher instead? You're already toeing the line on emotional cheating. Don't pursue both options at once. Cheating really screws with a woman's mind for a long time after. If you want to pursue this Cindy chick, go for it. Just remember she's novel new and exciting right now--she won't always been that way. There's times she'll gain or lose weight, wear glasses, get stressed out and not want sex at times either. I don't think suzy is a monster for getting comfortable in a relationship and thinking you'd still love her, it happens. You know Suzy. And there's likely a reason the relationship has lasted this long--3 years is a long time. But if it's run its course, it's run its course. Break up with her and go after the new girl. And if things don't work out, don't even think about running back to Suzy. He says in post #18 what the problems are.
kendahke Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 No, sex isn't the only problem. It's not even a huge deal to me, although it's not what I'd like it to be. I'm trying to approach this from both a logical and emotional standpoint, although those contradict each other often. Was the sex ever where you wanted it to be before you two moved to where you were right after college? What was it like in college? There are little things that were once cute that now annoy me. We have historically talked in somewhat of a baby talk every now and then when we're feeling lovey dovey. I used to love it but now I don't and try to avoid it. Little things that she does around the apartment get me. Her clothes are lying everywhere, she doesn't ever do the dishes or the trash or much of any cleaning for that matter. She gets too dramatic about work or responsibilities. It's hard for me to tell if this is a side effect of being roommates or if this is a sign of my love deteriorating. Did you know Suzy was an over dramatic slob when you both were in college? I mean a person who lives like Oscar the Grouch doesn't just begin doing that 7 month into a living arrangement. Chances are she was like that the whole time you've known her but because she was meeting some need for you, you chose to overlook it. Now that Cindy has presented herself to you, you're taking notice, perhaps as a justification for why you want to pursue your feelings for Cindy at the expense of Suzy. However, before you reach for "what would life with Cindy be like", you need to find out if her living habits align with yours because what's the point of leaving one slob for a new one? And of course the glaring problem, my feelings for Cindy. It's not just physical attraction, it's a mental/emotional one too. And you don't have a mental/emotional attraction for Suzy? Yeah, you need to first get your own place. Get out of Suzy's house. Break up with her, get your lease on your new place and give yourself at least a year before trying to enter into anything with Cindy--because right now, all Cindy is is rebound girl. You're not in a position to be fair to her because you're still wondering "what if" about Suzy and you. So just don't even go there. Get your head straightened out--on your own in your own place. If things with Cindy are meant to be, they'll be. 2
Exotic Flesh Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Are you kidding?? No. I have done this before (took a break from a partner to explore options during a confusing time, then soon came back). What exactly is wrong with taking a break but not burning bridges with people? Every break up does not have to be "I am never talking to you again and we are forever done"... There are times when people get confused and need to explore life, and mature people understand this. I think that you may be speaking from a very typical perspective of possessiveness and finality; I speak from a perspective of freedom and choice. There is an element of maturity that is shown when you allow your partner the freedom to follow their heart (within reason), but don't hold it against them like they are your property. This attitude of "if you loved me, you'd never even think of another" is very egotistical and possessive. But then again, I have also been in a poly relationship that managed to stay rather peaceful and happy and loving, so I am clearly past the point of jealousy and drama and this "I alone own your heart" thinking. - Laurell.
phillyisfun Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Whatever you do, don't try to dupe your current girlfriend, test out Cindy, and then go back to your current girlfriend once the "strange" has worn off. That is a sleaze, underhanded, and characterless way of having your cake and eating it too. Whatever you do, be honest. 1
Exotic Flesh Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Returned to add: I may not have worded things correctly, but while I was advising exploration, I was not advising dishonesty. I thought this was a given, but you are ethically obliged to tell her that you will be seeing others. Allow her the freedom to do the same. What I'm trying to say is, if you truly love each other, you'll both come back.
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