Why is the bs always criticized for how they react on DD

[HereNorThere]

Think of it like a legal trial. For the sake of argument, we will use the O.J. Simpson case here in U.S.

 

O.J. was caught with a tremendous amount of evidence. You name it, they had it. Physical evidence, motive, timeline and pretty much everything you can think of. Most people would just say "Okay, you caught me. I did something bad and I deserve the punishment. I will admit to what I did and hope that I'm spared the death penalty or can take some sort of plea deal" but O.J. (and cheaters) are manipulators and narcissists. If they can't attack the evidence, they attack the person presenting the evidence. They go after the prosecution. witnesses, everyone's character but there own it, etc. More than anything, it's a form of misdirection. Now instead of presenting your evidence, you are too busy defending yourself. Instead of having clear memories, they distort those memories through gas-lighting. Before the end of it, everyone is so confused that's it's hard to even remember what the real issue was in the first place.

 

Whether or it's murder or infidelity, that's just how these people operate. They don't have have to capacity for empathy, sympathy, compassion and all of the other things that come natural for the 99% of us. It's hard for a normal person to understand.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's probably because a lot of people mistakenly think that their spouse belongs to them, and when the spouse does something they shouldn't do, the BS decides it gives them license to behave as they please. And all other issues get swept under the rug because of the cheater's fatal choice.

 

So I think it's all about possession and expectations; and how flawed those ideas are. When someone does wrong by us in this manner, we really shouldn't be all that surprised. It shouldn't cause us to go off the deep end and act as though it's the first time it ever happened in the history of mankind. Cheating happens every day, it's been happening since the beginning of time. But we never seem to stop being surprised by something that's so commonplace.

 

Oh, here we go......

 

That example you might have been looking for.

 

There are often others as well, such as "you must have been ignoring him sexually." That one is my favorite because I was in a sexless marriage by his choice and got told by a poster it must have been because I wasn't exciting or passionate enough. Nice.

[Horton]

I've seen a lot of this on here myself, usually from OW against the BW. The fact is a lot of OW feel entitled to waltz into another woman's marriage and family wreaking all kinds of havoc, but the moment any of the fallout starts to penetrate into their little safe space they start acting all indignant, like they didn't willfully invite this into their life with their own actions. You see this especially from the handful of OW who actually did end up marrying their MM, their posts typically devolve into just bashing the BW's in their own situations.

 

It's mostly just projection though, every human being knows instinctively(unless they're literally a sociopath) that it's immoral and disgusting to get involved with somebody who's already taken, so when the sh*t hits the fan most people in an affair tend to go into self preservation mode in an attempt to soothe their guilty conscience and smooth things over for their personal comfort as much as possible. These are the same type of people who used to throw rocks at hornets's nests when they were kids. A broken moral compass and a complete lack of foresight is a really dangerous combination.

[anika99]

I agree with you that gas lighting, deceiving, and having affairs is inappropriate behavior. But, I don't believe that when someone treats you that way, it's cause to stoop to his/her level of behavior by verbal or physical abuse.

 

I don't base my behavior on what was done to me. I base it on who I am as a person.

 

Here's what I believe and taught my children as they grew up, "A person doesn't treat you the way they treat you because of who you are or what you've done. They treat you the way they treat you because of who they are." This goes for bad treatment and good treatment both. For instance when someone treats you with great respect it doesn't necessarily mean you deserve it or that they think you're Mr. Wonderful or Ms. Wonderful. What it means is, that's who the person is, someone who treats others with respect. Here we call it being a first-class person.

 

A gentleman is a gentleman, not because a particular woman deserves it, but because that's who he is. Likewise, a lady is always a lady, no matter what is done to her.

 

So, yes, there are people who've done some inappropriate things to me, even criminal things. I've had to take action to have a person jailed for their inappropriate behavior toward me. But, in the process I never thought it OK to behave inappropriately in return. I was polite to the person the entire time, even as I acted swiftly and firmly to have the person put behind bars. I was courteous about it the entire time !

 

For me, as a BS, I kept my responses and pain away from the public and the OWs (two instances, each with a different man) because that's what I believe is dignified behavior. I realize different cultures see this in different ways, though, and I do think that (cultural differences) causes misunderstandings on LS sometimes.

 

And I never said that when someone behaves badly it gives someone else justification to also behave badly. I'm saying there is something sadistic and hypocritical about participating in inflicting pain on someone and then judging that person for how they react to that pain.

 

I suppose in an ideal world everyone would act with grace and decorum and 100% self control 100% of the time, but we don't live in an ideal world and even the affair partners claim that they seemingly had no control in preventing the affair from happening. Also it seems to be only in the case of affairs where people have this expectation that they can inflict pain on a person and not have that person turn on them and lash out.

 

Imagine a good friend told you some random woman just walked up to your friend and slapped her across the face. your friend told you she was just sitting and minding her own business and didn't even know this woman who assaulted her. Furthermore the woman explains her actions by saying she was just mad over a series of events that were not tied to your friend and she just felt like unleashing her anger on a random person, I think we would all agree that the angry woman behaved very inappropriately and likely has some mental issues.

 

Now let's say your friend tells the same story but she also admits that the woman slapped her because she had just found out that your friend is the person who has been secretly damaging her car while she's at work. Sometimes she keys it, sometimes she flattens a tire, other times she puts dents in it. Do we still judge that woman as harshly as we judged her in the first scenario? The woman doesn't have the right to assault your friend even though she has been vandalizing the woman's car. The proper response would have been for the woman to call the police and file a complaint against your friend but I think most people would agree that your friend had some personal responsibility in that drama. I don't think most people would be so quick to condemn the woman as just being a psycho, no class, crazy person.

[William]

Folks, I also want to apologize for moderation missing that this thread is about other threads, other forums and other members, which is prohibited on LoveShack.org. I'll leave it to the moderator in charge as to how to dispose of the thread but will accept responsibility for it occurring in the first place. LoveShack is a venue to discuss your real life interpersonal relationships, not snipe at other members, here or elsewhere.

 

As a general directive, please refrain from starting such threads. Thanks!

[Robert]

After review, we decided to leave this thread up as an example of a type of thread that is not acceptable here, and as William stated, as a reminder that discussions about other threads, other forums, and other members are prohibited. The thread will remain closed.

 

We deleted any discussion of other posters, other threads, and other forums as best we could. Ten posts were fully deleted and many were edited.

 

All posters are allowed to post in all forums, provided their posts are within community guidelines and do not violate our civility and respect expectations. If you feel that a post violates our community guidelines, report it via the 'Alert Us' button and moderation will review it.

 

If you are curious why some threads are moved to different forums, clarification can be found in these threads:

pinned at the top of the OM/OW forum:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...july-30-2013-a

 

pinned at the top of the Infidelity forum:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...july-30-2013-a

 

Generally speaking, if you are not posting to be supportive of the thread-starter, we suggest you do not post at all.

 

 

From the OW/OM forum:

What constitutes support?

 

1. To keep from weakening or failing; to strengthen

2. To aid the cause, policy and interest of; and to argue in favor of; to advocate

 

By the first definition, support does not always come in the form of advocacy. Members who hold dissenting opinions are welcome to provide their support in an effort to provide strength to other members. Thought provoking questions and comments that encourage one to reconsider their involvement in an affair is appropriate for this forum, as long as those questions and comments are in keeping with the Community Guidelines.

 

By the second definition, support in the form of advocacy is also welcomed. This means that members who are happy or content in their relationships with already committed partners are able to post threads that they find positive, inspiring, or otherwise in favor of affairs.

 

~6