Newly Wed hell

[MBWoodard]

I wouldnt let too much time pass in the state you are in as Im sure you wanted a family and time flys.

I was divorced in my early 20's, two years into marriage for the exact same reasons. I waited tried and hoped we could tough it out.

Maybe you can seperate and help him to see the reality of losing you is real.

You need something bigger than flirting, trying to talk to a wall, trying to spice it up.

You may be mismatched, but marriage only gets harder as the years wear on so you need a strong start and to be bonding and making a strong foundation.

You cant force it. I got a very peaceful divorce. Quiet, no fighting, no one judged me and I immediately moved to a new state and learned to stand on my own 2 feet.

Best decision I ever made. If you are trying and trying by yourself it will be futile.

Id personally just file but the next best thing is seperation.

 

I laugh when people mention wanting a family. I hate kids. Seriously, I really have no interest. He has no interest. He also lacks the ability to produce then. The intense chemo he received left him unable to produce children.

I agree with you that it needs a strong foundation. Without it, there is no change of surviving.

 

I am curious, has anyone ever known a couple to bounce back from this?

[TrustedthenBusted]

It only gets harder from here.

 

Contrary to popular belief, marriage doesn't solve problems....it creates them.

 

Having kids doesn't solve problems...it creates them.

 

Seriously. If you are dealing with this from GO, better to cut bait and get your money back.

[Satu]

I laugh when people mention wanting a family. I hate kids. Seriously, I really have no interest. He has no interest. He also lacks the ability to produce then. The intense chemo he received left him unable to produce children.

I agree with you that it needs a strong foundation. Without it, there is no change of surviving.

 

I am curious, has anyone ever known a couple to bounce back from this?

 

I've known people with the same problem, but I've never even heard of someone resolving it.

[dreamingoftigers]

It only gets harder from here.

 

Contrary to popular belief, marriage doesn't solve problems....it creates them.

 

Having kids doesn't solve problems...it creates them.

 

Seriously. If you are dealing with this from GO, better to cut bait and get your money back.

 

I notice something very similar.

 

It doesn't necessarily "create" the problem but it amplifies both the good and bad traits going into marriage or parenting from your own and your partner's programming.

 

So if he loves to clean and has a bad temper, you'll get a guy that blows up and makes you a big dinner to apologize. Etc.

[MBWoodard]

I've known people with the same problem, but I've never even heard of someone resolving it.

 

I am going to let him get to the doctor, and make sure that it isn't physical, then by force to get to the mental. I ask pointed questions to get him to think about what is going on in his mind, and talk about it. Chances are he never would have talked about many things before my prodding. He has agreed to see a mental health professional, and if they say they dont believe it is anything serious, and the regular doctor says nothing going on but high cholesterol, then he says he will go to marriage counseling. I am not huge on talking about myself in person, or even on the phone. I find it difficult to speak my mind when someone can see or hear me. I have always been a very private person in person. It's much easier for me to speak this way. I think I am more scared of going to a counselor than he is!

On the other side, I am going to go back to forced date nights until we are in a habit of spending an evening each week together. They will go on the chore calendar until we are back in a habit. I do think that scheduling our time like that is a little less than romantic, but if we get back on the horse, maybe we can stay on it. I would like to actually feel like sleeping in the same bed at the same time. It is difficult to crawl into bed feeling unwanted and sleep facing away from each other.

I did make him aware that we are headed for divorce if we keep on this path. Now I will have to follow through and break my own heart if needed.

[Miss Peach]

I am curious, has anyone ever known a couple to bounce back from this?

 

Not when it's one sided. IMO it has a chance only if you are both committed to fixing your marriage.

[salparadise]

He is a proud survivor of testicular cancer, and I have wondered if somehow his libido didn't drop as a result of potential reoccorance, or just aging with already lowered libido

 

He also lacks the ability to produce then. The intense chemo he received left him unable to produce children.

 

I am going to let him get to the doctor, and make sure that it isn't physical

 

I can't believe that you left this key factor out in the original post! Did he have cancer in both testicles? Does he still have both, or one, or none? If the chemo resulted in him being no longer fertile there's a good chance that he's no longer producing testosterone, which may be [probably] the direct cause of low or no libido. When did all of this happen?

 

Is he on testosterone replacement therapy? My guess is that his T levels are very low. Hell, no wonder the poor guy cries and thinks poorly of himself.

 

This just makes to little sense to me... you're busting his chops as if he's merely disinterested when you knew that he had testicular issues, a medical problem that you presumably knew about before you married. And you just left it out of the initial description as if it wasn't relevant? Or is it possible that you don't understand the relevancy? And nobody else picked up on it either... what gives?

 

 

"If you have to have both testicles removed, you will no longer produce sperm or testosterone. So you will not be able to father a child unless you have sperm banking. You will need testosterone replacement therapy to give you a normal sex drive and so that you can get an erection." Cancer Research UK

Edited March 22, 2016 by salparadise

[SensitiveTJ]

I can't believe that you left this key factor out in the original post! Did he have cancer in both testicles? Does he still have both, or one, or none? If the chemo resulted in him being no longer fertile there's a good chance that he's no longer producing testosterone, which may be [probably] the direct cause of low or no libido. When did all of this happen?

 

Is he on testosterone replacement therapy? My guess is that his T levels are very low. Hell, no wonder the poor guy cries and thinks poorly of himself.

 

This just makes to little sense to me... you're busting his chops as if he's merely disinterested when you knew that he had testicular issues, a medical problem that you presumably knew about before you married. And you just left it out of the initial description as if it wasn't relevant? Or is it possible that you don't understand the relevancy? And nobody else picked up on it either... what gives?

 

 

"If you have to have both testicles removed, you will no longer produce sperm or testosterone. So you will not be able to father a child unless you have sperm banking. You will need testosterone replacement therapy to give you a normal sex drive and so that you can get an erection." Cancer Research UK

 

It is something to note, certainly, but that doesn't explain the sudden drop post-wedding. Presumably, this is a medical condition which has been known throughout their relationship.

[ShatteredLady]

From friends experiences I'd see a hormone specialist NOT just a regular GP if you can. Best of luck.

 

I'm with everyone else who says 'lay your cards on the table' but I'm not a fan of throwing the divorce word around unless you truly mean it. That little word can be devastating to the basic foundation, security, of a marriage. I'm more for the "We're in this together but I'M NOT HAPPY & we MUST do something about it!" approach.

[salparadise]

It is something to note, certainly, but that doesn't explain the sudden drop post-wedding. Presumably, this is a medical condition which has been known throughout their relationship.

 

T levels could most certainly explain the whole thing. There could also be psychological issues resulting from a) hormone levels, b) trauma/change to his genitalia, c) relationship issues, d) work or life issues.

 

Marriage is a major life-changing event. It's a huge stressor, even when things go well. But stress raises cortisol which may cause other symptoms. My guess is that he needs to be under the care of an endocrinologist, at least until it is determined that his hormone levels are balanced and stable.

 

Yea, don't mention the D word until you've gotten to the bottom of this, and then only at the point of being ready to leave the marriage. D should never be used as a threat.

[ribeto]

Because the marriage is so new, I would like to try to save it.

 

That's exactly the WRONG reason. If it's this bad after such a short time, it's not going to get better over the next 10 years.

 

I could understand someone saying "Because we've been together for 20 years, it's worth trying to save".

 

But in your case, you've got nothing.

[MBWoodard]

I've known people with the same problem, but I've never even heard of someone resolving it.

 

I can't believe that you left this key factor out in the original post! Did he have cancer in both testicles? Does he still have both, or one, or none? If the chemo resulted in him being no longer fertile there's a good chance that he's no longer producing testosterone, which may be [probably] the direct cause of low or no libido. When did all of this happen?

 

Is he on testosterone replacement therapy? My guess is that his T levels are very low. Hell, no wonder the poor guy cries and thinks poorly of himself.

 

This just makes to little sense to me... you're busting his chops as if he's merely disinterested when you knew that he had testicular issues, a medical problem that you presumably knew about before you married. And you just left it out of the initial description as if it wasn't relevant? Or is it possible that you don't understand the relevancy? And nobody else picked up on it either... what gives?

 

 

"If you have to have both testicles removed, you will no longer produce sperm or testosterone. So you will not be able to father a child unless you have sperm banking. You will need testosterone replacement therapy to give you a normal sex drive and so that you can get an erection." Cancer Research UK

 

He still has one of the testicles, and as I said before we were at 4 times a week, and then 3. There was a pretty Swift drop off from 2x until now.

And no, the removal of the testicle didn't cause the problem, the chemo he received did as far as infertility. He still produces sperm, they just aren't viable. There may be a chance that one sperm in an entire "load" may be even remotely viable for something like invitro, but not for natural reproduction. It had something to do with the type of chemotherapy drugs, and the stregnth. What I was told early on in one of his doctors appointments was that chemo for almost everyone knocks out reproduction for a few years. While a woman would still have her cycle, the eggs would not be viable. The same holds true for a man. In the case of testicular cancer where an organ gas been removed there will be a lower fertility rate to start. From there the chemotherapy will wipe that out for several years or permanently depending on the drugs and the dosage. His dosage was very high.

 

The reason I don't feel sure that it is a lack of testosterone is that he can get rip roaring mad. Not at me, we work because we both see that in each other and calm eachother, where as other men would just yell, then I would yell, then we both would yell... You get the point. He and I check eachother in normal conversation when even our tone creeps on terse. Usually followed by making faces or a key phrase that breaks all tension. When I tell people we don't argue, they never believe it. Then they see something like that and know how even a disagreement can be kept civil.

 

Back on track. His testosterone levels may have dropped slightly over the last few years, but not so significantly to go from having/wanting sex atleast once or twice a week, to less than once a month. That would be a very large drop. When I asked him about the drop he did state that it just isn't on his mind.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I notice something very similar.

 

It doesn't necessarily "create" the problem but it amplifies both the good and bad traits going into marriage or parenting from your own and your partner's programming.

 

So if he loves to clean and has a bad temper, you'll get a guy that blows up and makes you a big dinner to apologize. Etc.

 

True!

 

But I do think a lot of young couples ( especially ) enter into marriage believing that it will somehow cure some of the problems they experienced during their premarital relationship.

 

Then they get married and wonder why nothing has changed. So the problems continue to manifest, and the solution seems to be to have kids...that'll fix it, and bring us closer together etc...

 

Well, anyone with kids will tell you that aint gonna work.

 

Both marriage and children bring complexities and demands, and stresses that didn't exist before, and often take precedence over existing issues.

 

My advice to someone who realizes early on that the relationship is a bad one is to cut bait.

[MBWoodard]

True!

 

But I do think a lot of young couples ( especially ) enter into marriage believing that it will somehow cure some of the problems they experienced during their premarital relationship.

 

Then they get married and wonder why nothing has changed. So the problems continue to manifest, and the solution seems to be to have kids...that'll fix it, and bring us closer together etc...

 

Well, anyone with kids will tell you that aint gonna work.

 

Both marriage and children bring complexities and demands, and stresses that didn't exist before, and often take precedence over existing issues.

 

My advice to someone who realizes early on that the relationship is a bad one is to cut bait.

 

We didn't get married to solve anything. We got married because we are committed to eachother. We are committed to being a team. We both feel as if marriage is final. We both promised to see eachother through anything, and both intend to keep those promises. That's the difference between getting married in your 20's and getting married in your 30's. It's not about making things better, but pledging to keep working on them, and pledging that you will always work on them.

[TrustedthenBusted]

We didn't get married to solve anything. We got married because we are committed to eachother. We are committed to being a team. We both feel as if marriage is final. We both promised to see eachother through anything, and both intend to keep those promises. That's the difference between getting married in your 20's and getting married in your 30's. It's not about making things better, but pledging to keep working on them, and pledging that you will always work on them.

 

See, this is sort of what I'm talking about. You got married, and it sounds like one, or both of you did that " You can quit running after you catch the bus" kind of thing.

 

You expected a "honeymoon" phase that would be all wonderful, and it sounds like he expected that his mere commitment to you would now satisfy all of your other emotional and physical needs.

 

But neither of those happened.

[nymphetgrown]

The reason I don't feel sure that it is a lack of testosterone is that he can get rip roaring mad.

 

I'm pretty sure that's a human thing, not just a hormonal thing.

 

I'm a woman, I don't have extra hair growing where it oughtn't, and I'm still capable of some towering rages. In fact, because of that capacity, I exercise extra self-control. Ask my last therapist but one how furious I can get when prompted.

 

Your man's only down one bollock, but he is indeed down a bollock! How long has he been off the chemo? How long cancer-free? Upthread you mentioned he was making an appointment to see his doc, and if nothing was wrong physically, that he was going to look into counseling. Encourage that kind of self-care.

 

Consider also that it only takes one sperm to fertilize one egg, so if there's even the faintest chance his, ah, function may be returning, you may want to look into permanent methods of birth control. You're in your mid-thirties so doctors won't laugh you out of the office like they did me.