"What my crush did to me today"

[westernxer]

She's gonna do him... her cup is overflowing.

 

He's the HR guy... he should know better.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by westernxer

She's gonna do him... her cup is overflowing.

 

He's the HR guy... he should know better.

 

Bad bad bad.

 

Girl you said "He should leave me alone" -- whatever. The only person you can control is YOU and how you react to things. Affairs don't start themselves. They start with you looking for emotional fulfillment or whatever it is you get from him, from sources other than your Hubby. So husband looks at porn and you don't like it? Talk to him about it. He needs to meet your needs, too. Don't indulge in a childish crush just to get back at him. That's not healthy and someone is going to end up hurt in the end.

 

Imagine how your "crush"'s wife would feel. How would you feel if you H was acting like your crush with another woman?

[SuperFantastico]

Oh forgive me, you being married makes this situation so much better. Just because you havnt been with anouther guy since you were married, dosnt mean you wont. If you are so keen on how great your marriage is and how much you dont want this guy to "appear", perhaps you should mention ...um...i dont know.....THE WHOLE BEING MARRIED THING AND TO TELL HIM TO GO F! HIMSELF THE SLEAZY CHEATING BASTARD!!

 

But you like the attention. You like the fun of being 'bad' . The only problem with this is that playing bad usually leads to being bad, and then two marrages are ruined.

 

I agree with mary. Try to revive your marrage, so that you wont be tempted by this guy any further.

 

P.S. On a totally unrelated note........im gonna go watch the new batman movie

[SuperFantastico]

Maybe i've been looking at this all wrong. Perhaps you are starting to wonder what you are missing. You got married at a very young age and have only been with one guy. Most people dont get married till thier mid to late 20's and by that time they have dated like 4 or 5 people. Maybe you are subconciously playing the field a bit.

 

Oh to clarify. By dating i mean like a relationship. Not 1 week dating blitz.

 

P.S. Batman friggn rocked!!

[How_Do_I_Know]

I know that you're just giving me the lowdown on "cheating" on spouses. I know you mean well! Thanks for meaning well because people like you are what makes the world a happier place!

 

OK now, I have to admit, my husband DOESN'T fulfill my needs. I have told him that the porn addiction is really bother some to me becasue he hides it from me, has hid it from me, and will ALWAYS hide it from me and it just feels "creepy" to me that he has this addiction. To me it does feel like he is cheating on me because it's gotten to the point where he calls phone sex operators and that IS a LIVE, BREATHING WOMAN!!! And he totally lies to my face about it!!! It's cost me lots of money to keep up with this addictive behavior.

 

Also, he is a lazy bum and today he told me that it's a woman's job to dig up the weeds in the yard..... so there, I've said it..... my husband is a sexist pig, thinks of women as a peice of meat (nothing more), has no respect for ANYBODY!!! Not even the kids!!! Not even my parents..... Not even HIS parents.

 

Why I stayed with him this long???? Beats me, I love him!?! I have passed up SOOOOO MANY oprutunities to be with other men and I chose the lazy bum because I didn't want to ruin our family.

 

I have come soooooo close to leaving him that I can't even count on my hands and feet how many time I have thought about it. I just put on my happy face and pretend like all is fine and dandy! It sucks cuz I am only 24. It is VERY tempting to be with this other guy...... but I know it's WRONG!!! So I just leave it at that. He flirts with me I flirt with him and I feel better about myself where my husband doesn't make me feel better.

 

By the way...... we've tried counseling 3 or 4 times and it doesn't work..... he thinks he doesn't need help! But I suck it up you know.... does that make me bad??? I haven't actually been caressed by a man in over 4 years! If my husband hugs me, it's only to touch my butt and grab my boobs! So I HAVE NO AFFECTION AND SATISFACTION! So there.... I have told you the whole story now.

 

And when I said that "I" bought a home 2 years ago, it's because I DID..... the home is under MY name because my husbands credit is soooooooo bad that the mortgage company didn't want him on the loan! So there! Happy now???

 

Oh..... and was Batman good??? I want to see it tonight!

[SuperFantastico]

See, here we go. So its not really that this guy is so great then(which im sure hes cute and smart and fun ect.)

its that your husban sucks large goat balls, and you are unhappy with him and your marrage.

 

Bravo for sticking with it this long and resisting temptation even with your husban giving you no reason to stay faithful.

 

Does your family(mom/dad/siblings) know what you are going through? Sometimes it takes 100% more guts to end a relationship then the stick with it. Its super hard for you because of the kids. A tough call for sure.

 

Hopefully someone with more experience than I, in this department can give some advice. My parents went through a very long and painful divorce when i was a kid. And it does still effect me to this day. But I dont blame them really. People breakup, thats a fact. They are both WAY happier apart then together.

 

Perhaps a WELL THOUGHT THROUGH ultimatum is in order. If the prospect of losing you doesnt make him shape up, then hes not worth the effort. imho of course.

[westernxer]

It's about time we got down to the nitty-gritty.

 

P.S. Batman rocks! I've seen it twice now.

[How_Do_I_Know]

Thanks superfantatico and westernxer...... you guys are so sweet and kind! Why can't I find someone like you guys???

 

Well, my crush is very cute and sweet and nice but he's married. His wife is lucky! But I am still trying to have the courage to leave my husband. He's so mean to me sometimes and then he has these phases where he's nice to me for weeks at a time. It's like a cycle we go through..... he's mean for a few weeks, then he's nice for a few weeks and so forth....

 

But... my counselor (I am seeing one individually).... says that I am strong and almost not affected by his behavior anymore because it has become habituated.

 

Anyways.... last night I went out with friends and it was nice because lots of guys were hitting on me. I even got a kiss from my old time friend who says he misses hanging out with me and can't beleive how fast the years go by. Someone even told me that I was beautiful. I even got hit on by a girl who told me she'd like to do me. If so many people (I don't want to sound like I am better than anyone) find me irresistible, then why does my husband not treat me like a goddess??? I do so much for him and he sees others want me but he only sees me like a peice of meat.

 

When people see us together, they wonder what I am doing with him..... because he isn't drop dead gorgeous you know.... he's just an average joe. I've been told that I look kinda like Jessica Alba (just so you get an idea) I also have her build.

 

But this crush of mine does everything that my husband doesn't do.... the things I need. Like pay attention to me, compliment me (my crush does that quite frequently), make me feel comfortable.

 

I am not looking to just screw someones brains out, but I am just looking for someone I can feel safe and comfy with, one who will be affectionate, tell me the things I like to hear....... my husband is the complete opposite of these qualities. I DON'T feel safe and secure with him I just feel lost and trapped, especially since we've got children. I just don't have it in my heart to abandon him I guess.

[drgnflybethany]

"By the way...... we've tried counseling 3 or 4 times and it doesn't work..... he thinks he doesn't need help! But I suck it up you know.... does that make me bad??? I haven't actually been caressed by a man in over 4 years! If my husband hugs me, it's only to touch my butt and grab my boobs! So I HAVE NO AFFECTION AND SATISFACTION! So there.... I have told you the whole story now."

 

Then get out of the marriage if it makes you so unhappy - but get down off the wood and stop being a martyr. I was married for six years to a man that rarely touched me - I think I totalled it up to 30 times total we had sex while married. obviously - when I met him and we were dating it was a completley different thing - but whatever. I went to work on the Kerry campaign in Ohio in October - and met someone there - not CBFD (as in another post) but - another man who just absolutely adored me - and I adored him. The hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself is that I knowingly would have broken my marriage vows had basically divine providence not happened and he not been called to the super secret location to give the campaign the numbers from the entire state of Ohio on election night. I have always been so grateful for that turn of events. And I don't have children. This man, could melt my heart with one look - and it was difficult to go back to my husband after that. But, I didn't leave my husband for him - I left because these were feelings that my husband wasn't willing to expose. Quite the contrary, my husband was very emotionally neglectful (as I have stated in another post). The thing is - if you have no affection and no satisfaction either find ways to please yourself... (without another partner ruining your marriage) or leave your husband. I know there are kids involved, but being brought up in a loveless household does not help children - it actually hurts them.. and don't hide behind them, either.. Because saying you're staying because of the kids is a cop out - you're staying because you're scared of the next move and you're scared of being the one that leaves - and you're scared of being alone.

 

This other man - your crush - is getting mixed signals from you. You absolutely positively need to tell him that you are married. He's not a great guy - b/c he is married and still flirting, but at the same time, I don't know if what you're seeing is what other people would see. You are obsessed with him to the point of telling us that you think he doesn't like you because you have a roll on your stomach because you were pregnant? That's putting way too much thought into it - and I know of where I speak.

 

"And when I said that "I" bought a home 2 years ago, it's because I DID..... the home is under MY name because my husbands credit is soooooooo bad that the mortgage company didn't want him on the loan! So there! Happy now???"

 

As for this quote above - well, you live in California? It's a community property state - so whether or not you bought it or he bought it, it's still marital property, and as such, it still belongs to BOTH of you. That being besides the point - he still bought the house with you, whether you want to face that or not, because you are married - and something as major as a house being purchased is usually a marital event - unless you've got millions sitting in the bank and this is just another form of an investment.

 

You are obsessed, whether you just vent here or not - and you've admitted talking about this with other co-workers, so here isn't the only place you discuss it. You need to seek counseling on your own - to get your courage up to either fix the marriage you are in or leave it. If he doesn't want to see a counselor with you (meaning your husband) - then, you need to possibly look at leaving, because you aren't happy, and at this point, nothing he does will make you happy, short of him changing 180 degrees. This crush could be flirting with you, he could just be treating you very nicely - and may even be mortified to know how far you've taken it in your mind.

 

What I would honeslty like to see come out of this is you to become a strong enough person - to realize that you can leave your husband without another man there to catch you when you fall.

[drgnflybethany]

"Anyways.... last night I went out with friends and it was nice because lots of guys were hitting on me. I even got a kiss from my old time friend who says he misses hanging out with me and can't beleive how fast the years go by. Someone even told me that I was beautiful. I even got hit on by a girl who told me she'd like to do me. If so many people (I don't want to sound like I am better than anyone) find me irresistible, then why does my husband not treat me like a goddess??? I do so much for him and he sees others want me but he only sees me like a peice of meat."

 

First of all, I'm totally confused - because it sounds like these other people want you like a piece of meat as well.

 

Evaluate what you need. Decide if those NEEDS are being met. If not - decide if hubby can meet them. If not, LEAVE.

 

If hubby can meet them, seek counseling, but be honest with yourself - are you asking him to change completely... if so, be reasonable as to what you would be willing to do if the situation was reversed.

 

If hubby can't meet them - then, leave..

 

Then, seek to find yourself... because you are so confused as to what you truly need and want, I don't even think you know anymore.

 

Then, evaluate what you want - what you truly want. Make a list.

 

(Although, second on my list was Democrat/Moderate - and now I've got something going on w/ Mr. Republican - go figure.)

 

The list is supposed to be an ideal - not an absolute so put everything on it. If you can find someone to match the entire list - great.

 

But, also be realistic.

 

I think you got married too young... and I think even a trial separation would do you and hubby a world of good.

 

Stop flirting - and you do have the control where this other guy is concerned - you don't have to sit next to him - if he sits next to you - do what you would do if dork boy sat next to you - get up, pretend you have to go to the bathroom - go to the bathroom - and then sit down elsewhere...

 

If he tries to start a conversation - cut him short... We women are good at that.

 

The bottom line is that everyone else here has the same advice:

 

He's married. You're married. Stop flirting - stop caring whether or not he's flirting. Fix marriage. If marriage can not be saved, walk away. But do not fool yourself into thinking that you are going to walk into Mr. Married Man's Arms.

[Mary3]

What a waste of your precious life to have gone to marriage counseling 4 times and staying with this man for the sake of your kids ? I bet your kids wish you would grab a suitcase and pack some things and take them out of there in your miserable existance. ( Kids see far more than you think they do ).

 

Meanwhile as life is moving at warp speed and passing you by and you are getting older now , other men look very attractive to you...

 

You have a heavy load to carry here but you are wasting your years and you need to get out of this marraige . NOT for the flirting co-worker...NOT for anyone but for YOU and your kids.

 

If 4 couseling sessions could not salvage this marraige then its not salvagable at all. Its over. Done. Kaput . Finito. Finished. Please open your eyes and get a plan together to start a new life. You have alot of work ahead of you.

 

But before you go flirting with married men and batting your eyelashes at co-workers, why dont you work on yourself and why you allow a dead marraige to continue to rot in your soul like a corpse that cannot be revived. Get your new life going and then you can entertain the possibilities.

 

But if this truly borders on you being bored sexually with your husband and you need an outlet , I am not sure bars are the place to meet a new quality man.

 

Some may say " Please stay for your kids or your mom or your aunt mamie " But the real reason its over is because its over and you and your kids need to figure out how to create a new life. That involves alot of factors. I would seek a divorce attorney and see what he/she thinks about this union of yours.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Mary3

What a waste of your precious life to have gone to marriage counseling 4 times and staying with this man for the sake of your kids ? I bet your kids wish you would grab a suitcase and pack some things and take them out of there in your miserable existance. ( Kids see far more than you think they do ).

 

Meanwhile as life is moving at warp speed and passing you by and you are getting older now , other men look very attractive to you...

 

You have a heavy load to carry here but you are wasting your years and you need to get out of this marraige . NOT for the flirting co-worker...NOT for anyone but for YOU and your kids.

 

If 4 couseling sessions could not salvage this marraige then its not salvagable at all. Its over. Done. Kaput . Finito. Finished. Please open your eyes and get a plan together to start a new life. You have alot of work ahead of you.

 

But before you go flirting with married men and batting your eyelashes at co-workers, why dont you work on yourself and why you allow a dead marraige to continue to rot in your soul like a corpse that cannot be revived. Get your new life going and then you can entertain the possibilities.

 

But if this truly borders on you being bored sexually with your husband and you need an outlet , I am not sure bars are the place to meet a new quality man.

 

Some may say " Please stay for your kids or your mom or your aunt mamie " But the real reason its over is because its over and you and your kids need to figure out how to create a new life. That involves alot of factors. I would seek a divorce attorney and see what he/she thinks about this union of yours.

 

Yeah dude. What she said.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Yeah dude. What she said.

 

Speaking of crushes... Otter, your Bjork avatar is killing me (have a HUGE crush on her).

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by westernxer

Speaking of crushes... Otter, your Bjork avatar is killing me (have a HUGE crush on her).

 

(PS - I am typing with my left hand).

[How_Do_I_Know]

Hi all, once again I know you all mean well and everything.... but the truth is that leaving my husband is easier asid than done. Someone noted here that I don't want to leave because I would be alone and scared to be alone..... I dream to be alone for once!

 

I did leave my husband about 3 years ago and we seperated for about 5 months. I LOVED being alone with my duaghter! I needed that freedom to be away from him. However, he made things somewhat miserable for me because he would call me at work all the time and tell me that he was going to kill himself. He circled around my home. He harassed me. I went back to him because I had found out that I was pregnant with our second daughter at the time. So I felt that maybe we could work on things.

 

He did change. He was alot better for a couple years and then we moved into our new home and things got worse again. So please don't think that I am scared to be alone. I've been alone all my life because i was the only child. I MISS being alone!!!!!!!!

 

The thing that I am scared of is when I do leave him, I am worried about what HE would do. That's why I hesitate to leave. I can't find it in my heart to put him through severe depression and because of what he put me through when we were seperated. That's what I am afraid of. Otherwise being alone..... I AM usually alone because he works when I am home I work when he's home. We hardly see each other. I do EVERYTHING around the house.

 

The only thing he does is mow the lawn and cook because I am not home at the hours the kids need to eat. I do EVERYTHING!!! I am the handy man who fixes things that are broken, I make more money than he does, I take care of ALL the financing, both vehicles are under MY name, Insurance is under MY name because of his driving record with DUI's, I clean, take care of the kids, take care of myself, I am continuing my schooling to better my education and career, he's a highschool dropout, I wake up every morning to take my daughter to school....... I sign all the papers for her...... do you think he would offer to help out????? Heck NO!!!!

 

Oh, I forgot..... he does a couple more things...... he DOES work everyday........ and he sits in front of the PS2 and plays video games till his fingers fall off. There! I gave you the loads I do..... I am a SUPER WOMAN....... and I am only 24 and got loads of stuff that I take care of. If I gave his even only half of my stresses.... we'd be bankrupt!!! His mother died about 6 years ago and you know what he did with that money he received from her death??? He gambled it away!

 

A lot of my friends at this age aren't even married, they do have kids but they are struggling. I think I have done so much without my husbands help I DO feel ALONE even when I am with him. I feel as though he is just a room mate. We don't even have sex and we are only 24/25! I don't feel attracted to him anymore because I have so much "dislike" for him becasue of all the stuff he put me through.

 

The point of no return for me was when we moved into our home, we had a housewarming party and I was pretty wasted at the end of the night (kids were at my mom and dads). I was having my period andI knew that I had passed out because everyone told me I did. Well, when everyone had left, the bastard was doing things to me (even on my period) and I remembered for a brief moment what he was doing to me. I cried I screamed. That's all I remembered and the next morning I woke up in pain. I HATED him ever since. I mean, I looked him straight in the eye and he lied to me. He is the one that is supposed to care about me and take care of me in a situation like that. Not assault me. I mean he did things to me that night that i KNOW I wouldn't do when I was sober!!! I just couldn't beleive that the person I have kids with and helped build a future for would do that. I just HATE him ever since.

 

There is a little bit of love for him becuase he is great with the kids but for me...... it's all gone. As of now I don't even feel anything for him. It sucks!

[whichwayisup]

The thing that I am scared of is when I do leave him, I am worried about what HE would do. That's why I hesitate to leave. I can't find it in my heart to put him through severe depression and because of what he put me through when we were seperated. That's what I am afraid of. Otherwise being alone..... I AM usually alone because he works when I am home I work when he's home. We hardly see each other. I do EVERYTHING around the house.

 

You can't be responsible for his reaction to you leaving and that shouldn't hold you back from leaving. For him, it's probably worse if he finds out you don't love him and are basically staying so he won't go into a deep depression. He has to be responsible and get some help, therapy to help him cope. You can encourage him to get to therapy.

 

Take some time and think about what you want. If you're this unhappy being married to him, end it. For your sake and his.

 

The point of no return for me was when we moved into our home, we had a housewarming party and I was pretty wasted at the end of the night (kids were at my mom and dads). I was having my period andI knew that I had passed out because everyone told me I did. Well, when everyone had left, the bastard was doing things to me (even on my period) and I remembered for a brief moment what he was doing to me. I cried I screamed. That's all I remembered and the next morning I woke up in pain. I HATED him ever since. I mean, I looked him straight in the eye and he lied to me. He is the one that is supposed to care about me and take care of me in a situation like that. Not assault me. I mean he did things to me that night that i KNOW I wouldn't do when I was sober!!! I just couldn't beleive that the person I have kids with and helped build a future for would do that. I just HATE him ever since.

 

Even more reason to leave. You don't trust him and definately the sexual attraction is gone on your end. Roommates are fine, but not as husband and wife.

[blind_otter]

Emotional abuse. Threatening to kill yourself if someone leaves you is emotional blackmail and abuse. Don't tolerate it. You are responsible for your own well being, jsut as he is responsible for his. Period. End of story.

 

The other thing you describe is sexual abuse. It's hideous and should not be tolerated by anyone. RUn, don't walk away.

[Mary3]

Oh So....

 

"Let me kill myself so my wife wont leave.....Hey it works ! There she stays...just like I wanted her to....let me throw in the guilt trips...the high school drop out I am a loser so you have to take care of me speech, "

 

Mine did that one too ...with a million other similar things but you know what ...I still left and so can you. He owns his misery, self created , and justified to the end. Like Batmans mentor said . Justice is Balance . Let him balance his own life and you get on with yours.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Tell him you are filing for divorce, and when he threatens suicide go to another room and call 911 and report a suicide attempt. When the EMS/police get there talk to them about what is going on (the abuse and emotional/mental instability) and they can tell you treatment options and talk to you about involuntary commitment. Then while your H is getting the help he really needs during his (possible) 30 day eval - you can be talking to a lawyer about separation/divorce options. You will have handed your H over to people who are qualified to get him the help he needs, and you will have handed yourself the freedom to move on with your life.

[How_Do_I_Know]

Thanks all for the posts! You are all so very kind. I am in the attempts of talking to a divorce lawyer... I will have to keep you all informed on what happens! Thanks a bunch..... Oh and by the way, my crush on that guy has gone down quite a bit. I hardly even talk to him anymore just hi here and there but we don't really flirt anymore.

 

I think he and I both got bored! Thanks all!

[Cathgirl]

I was in your situation..I'm the case that you can become if you don't watch it.

 

My hubby looked thru porn and I was overweight and jealous. Deep down I was insecure. I passive aggressively got back at him by flirting with other guys even without him knowing about it. I was looking at ways to make him jealous and it fed my self worth in my mind. Where am I at now? Back at home after a painful divorce....it went to far.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

is there love in your marriage??.. no no no no no there isnt right??.. you are livving with your husband and like you say you got your things and he has his. thats like you live in the same house but dont even know when your are home.. you are on one side obssessing about this other married man while he's over there on the other side jacking off just watching porno all the time .. he might not be satisfide.. you probably dont give him sex at all... .. if you have no more feelings towards your husband how did that happen??... why are you two on separate worlds??...