Ghosting him

[burnt]

Believe me I have spoken my mind many many times to him. And it would always go back to the same. I am not shrinking up or being a coward. I am confident and have realized what a lying cheater he is. I feel bad for his wife and would never want to man like him. I just have nothing to say to him anymore

 

In that case,

I would say below is the best course of action

 

Just tell him that this is not working for you anymore and that you're not happy and then go silent. At then you have warned him, even if it's by saying something so little like that, which is better than ghosting without any word and leaving him wondering if you died or something.

[13Hearts]

Just go NC. You're entitled.

[loveisanaction]

I don't think ghosting in an affair is cruel; cruel is staying in the affair. No matter what your MM has told you there is an innocent woman in all of this and possibly kids.

 

Nothing bad can come out of ghosting on an affair....your pain and heart will heal.

[minnesotagirl]

I ghosted on my AP 6 months ago. No regrets. We were in an on/off cycle since his D-day and I couldn't take it anymore. My nerves were ****, I was depressed and still clinging to the "relationship" we'd once had.

 

Yeah, ghosting is rude. Bad manners. You know what else is bad manners? Sleeping with someone's husband. Getting thrown under the bus on D-day. Secret texting. Lying to your family. Let's face it: the normal rules of polite society don't really apply here. Ghosting on someone toxic to look after yourself is OKAY. You take care of you and put an end to it in whatever way feels best for you. Good luck - you've got this.

[WakingUp]

I ghosted on my AP 6 months ago. No regrets. We were in an on/off cycle since his D-day and I couldn't take it anymore. My nerves were ****, I was depressed and still clinging to the "relationship" we'd once had.

 

Yeah, ghosting is rude. Bad manners. You know what else is bad manners? Sleeping with someone's husband. Getting thrown under the bus on D-day. Secret texting. Lying to your family. Let's face it: the normal rules of polite society don't really apply here. Ghosting on someone toxic to look after yourself is OKAY. You take care of you and put an end to it in whatever way feels best for you. Good luck - you've got this.

 

One thousand likes!

[Ophelia25]

Hello.

Ghosting is when 2 people are both invested and things are usually normal and a love interest just disappears while the other had no indication, didnt see the end coming and was left to figure out why cruelly with no warning.

For the two of you, you called him out on lies (so he is aware) and you said many goodbyes (go to hell ) so in your case, it might be the best and only way to finally be free.

Ive learned 1st hand, once you get to this toxic arguing stage, its truly over. Any other interraction, even making up, is just prolonging the inevitable.

The makeup-breakup is a sign its a nasty cycle so each honeymoon makeup is a high but you arent married, have no commitment and you are both able to fight, cut, and run as you can only do well together when times are good, then you fight, run, and your mind is trained to never heal as each of you know at some point you will break nc and be back.

But you arent "back" to a healthy normal set up, and to building trust and a growing commited partner...

You are back to a married man who loves his wife and will use you on the side and sneak around until he is through with you, or until the next fight, or until his wife finds out.

The cycle your in is dangerous to your health and well being, and you will never be truly fulfilled or find peace in your life, until you do ghost him and MEAN IT, forever. No slips, no fb stalking, no run ins, just dark cold dissappearing.

He knows why and Id also suggest...dont fight over lying. Of course he lies, hes married, he HAS to lie to even see or speak to you. And by you allowing it, gently...you are lying too.

I wish you the best.

 

Listen to this lady, she knows what she is saying!

 

@privategal, you offer great help, and it means much more knowing that you been/are still going through it.

 

While my AP is not a blatant liar, more just a hiding things kind of guy, this has been filling my mind some lately. While I am still angry for a lot of the things he has done, I keep remembering that in reality, he owes me nothing. He is not my husband, I am a side project, and he has no reason to feel that he should be particularly loving, honest, kind, open, or anything with me. I'm a fling. Even if I'm his deepest truest love, which may or may not be the case, his loyalty (ha!) will be toward his wife and family first, and that will not change as long as he wants to be married to her. My pitiful pleas for more from him are pointless, as well, I'm just not that big a deal. We are not going to "improve" our relationship at any point as long as we have one based on dishonesty. I don't think I really have thought about it this way before, and it is sad, but also a little comforting. It's not like I can say or do anything to make anything better, because the situation itself is so hopeless.

[BuddyX]

How about one last text: "Just go away. I am done."

 

Before you do, make sure all other avenues of contact are blocked and then, once you do, turn off your phone. Take out the SIM card and toss it. Go to the cell phone store and open up a completely new account. With the SIM gone,'you won't have old texts to look at to make you doubt your decision and a new phone number means he has no way to easily contact you.

 

Then, you get about the business of healing. If such bold action makes him see you are serious and he suddenly decides he wants to make a life with you, he will have to work for it but it's not impossible. We all tend to value the things we work for so much more than the things that come easy. If he doesn't work for you, it's not a problem. You will have already started healing. Long-term, I see it as a win-win situation. You either heal or he makes a true effort to earn his place as your partner. What do you have to lose? Bread crumbs? They're not worth

What you are willing to sacrifice.

 

Did that with my ExW. Guess what? It worked. She did somehow got through one of my emails and did contact me. I wrote "we're not friend, we're not enemies, we're strangers with memories"

Yeah, that crushed her. Have yet to hear from her.

 

But your case is different. It's a MM your dealing with. That means You have all the power. But you're too weak to pull it off. Send him one last message.

"If you do not stop, I'll contact your family". Problem solved.

 

But wait, you're concern about his feelings. Let me tell you, he's not concerned about yours when he's with his Fam stringing you along.

[Poppy47]

I'm not sure about this.

 

It think it depends on the length of time you have been involved.

 

If the A was short and no feelings involved, I would say just walk away.

 

It it was long and very emotional, I think that would leave the AP more upset than a proper goodbye.

 

Maybe you don't care how he feels.

 

Poppy.

[oceansaway]

I'm not sure about this.

 

It think it depends on the length of time you have been involved.

 

If the A was short and no feelings involved, I would say just walk away.

 

It it was long and very emotional, I think that would leave the AP more upset than a proper goodbye.

 

Maybe you don't care how he feels.

 

Poppy.

 

4 years. Nothing is proper about a affair. I'm not proud of getting in this situation.

 

I'm angry at a lot and I guess I really don't care how he feels. He's hurt me way to many times with lying. But I shouldn't expect anything less from someone who lives a double life

[sunburned]

I would try to avoid the long letter where you let it all out unless it is to vent and keep to yourself. I think most (most!) men see a wall of text or type and don't even read it through. Seriously, I believe that's how they are programmed. His only takeaway, if he reads it, will be "she still digs me." Then he'll scratch himself and turn on the TV. While I agree with privategal's point about doing that if it will truly bring closure to YOU. But don't do it thinking it will help him see the err of his ways. It will not. I think you will feel a little better and hold your head a little higher 6-12 months from now if you grab this remaining shred of dignity and simply go dark. I wish you speedy healing, OP!

[Grapesofwrath]

I wrote the super long, angry screed....and kept it to myself. For him, there was a very short, dignified, and emotionally neutral conversation.

 

MM who cheat are typically conflict-avoidant to the Nth degree. My xMM certainly was. So I knew that he would not give me the satisfaction of a long, uncomfortable conversation during which I could air my feelings. I also knew that my legitimate observations and issues with him would fall on deaf ears. Not only do they avoid conflict with others, they avoid it with themselves by simply not examining themselves at all. So I kept it simple: "This relationship no longer works for me. It does not nourish me or offer me anything positive. So I'm done. Please don't contact me again." Of course, true to form, he cried. (That tactic had worked for him in the past) but I stuck to my guns because my heart had finally caught up with my head.

 

Remember one other thing...the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. Be indifferent. He'll get the message.

[LovingDelilah]

Just say goodbye and leave. Delete everything he. An contact you on.

[oceansaway]

I haven't seen exMM for a very long time...however on and off maintained texting. Guess I just enjoyed the attention but know I need to move on. Keep telling myself to break the addiction..but its HARD.

 

We had yet another meltdown and have been NC for a few weeks. At times I gone silent for months. I refuse to reach out...and I won't..although difficult.

 

Just taking a poll....how many of you had him reach out after NC and how long was it before they did? Just curious

[MidnightBlue1980]

I haven't seen exMM for a very long time...however on and off maintained texting. Guess I just enjoyed the attention but know I need to move on. Keep telling myself to break the addiction..but its HARD.

 

We had yet another meltdown and have been NC for a few weeks. At times I gone silent for months. I refuse to reach out...and I won't..although difficult.

 

Just taking a poll....how many of you had him reach out after NC and how long was it before they did? Just curious

 

It was 5 months. He started pursuing me heavily under the guise of friendship. The truth is he had been forced to start marriage counseling and was required to have sex with his wife. He had lied to me when he came back, led me on, made me believe the marriage was ending. It is the opposite.

[rainbowsandkittens]

4 months.

 

Currently in a weird space.

 

ETA: We had slight contact after about 3 months. But he came back after 4 months.

[Grapesofwrath]

After I ended it, he tried texting weekly, also under the guise of friendship. I told him I wasn't having it (that I am worth more than bs texts from some married guy) and he hasn't reached out since. It's been about 3 months.

[Grey Cloud]

30 days of complete NC then it was broken and it has been 2.5 months of being in contact. It achieves nothing. Just goes around in circles. Back to NC as of today even though he is not taking it seriously. Starting to feel consumed by him again. Time to be serious about this once and for all and move on with my life without him in it - even as a "friend" which the last 2.5 months have been about.

[Grey Cloud]

Listen, as long as you continue to have conversations with him, you'll continue to hear the same excuses, twisted rationale, and defenses he has been giving you all this time. Because his excuses, ambivalence, and cognitive dissonance are his way of thinking. These are the things he BELIEVES. Just as you believe certain truths about yourself and why you do things you do, HE believes these particular truths about HIMself and why HE does the things HE does. Continuing to try to get him to see things YOUR way is just not going to work. Someone once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Do you feel like you're going insane yet?

 

Stop talking to him. Stop pandering to HIS desires, HIS wants, and HIS beliefs and start living your life in accordance with YOUR desires, YOUR wants, and YOUR beliefs. You think that SOME MARRIED GUY is what you need to be happy and content in life. So you call your inability to get your heart to stop hurting "love," "soulmates," or "meant to be." But that pain is not what you think it is.

 

Bite the bullet, stop indulging him, his hallucinations, and his dysfunctional, immature thinking, and start taking care of yourself. Haven't you wasted enough of your one precious life on this married, unavailable, confused guy?

 

Ghosting him is not cruel. It's fricking self-preservation. Do it. Do it today and get it the heck over with. If you don't stop, it is never going to stop.

 

Just read this post from a couple of months back. LOVE it! It is so what I needed to read today. This is one I will re-visit and read over and over! The definition of insanity is so true!