How likely can a marriage last with a guy who isn't straight?

[DreamP]

Society/people have a very poor understanding of bisexuality. It doesn't mean you have to have relationships with both men and women. It means you are attracted to both sexes. To assume a bisexual man will cheat in a heterosexual relationship is the same as implying a man married to a woman with small breast will cheat with a woman with big breasts. Just because you are attracted to certain genders, races, ethnicity, physical appearances, etc, doesn't mean you need to be with all of them. A bisexual person has the same probability of cheating than any other person. Bisexuality is not the issue.

 

Yes, marriage can be between people who are not in love. Many cultures across the world do it that way. Love before marriage is a modern Western concept. Considering the divorce rate here is close to 50%, it doesn't mean it is the best option.

 

Here are the issues I see for you:

Bisexuality: This is your issue, not his. You cannot marry somebody if you doubt their ability to remain satisfied with what you provide sexually. You need to be able to accept his bisexuality and feel comfortable with yourself and the relationship you two have.

Lack of enthusiasm: As somebody else pointed you, you are not excited about starting this new part of your life. You don't have to be madly in love, but any new endeavor warrants excitement and interest. You sound like you are passively letting things happen. I could be wrong because I am making judgement based on writing, but that is what it sounds like.

 

I think what you need is to communicate with your boyfriend. Discuss your concerns about his bisexuality. Ask if he will be satisfied in a monogamous relationship. Discuss when and how many children you want. Discuss his family. This is a very big issue. How are you going to deal with them being in your life forever.

 

Good marriages are made through good communication, compromise and shared values. Love just makes it better. And love alone does not bring the other components to the marriage. Many marriages fail because people rely on love alone. Many marriages foster love. Just because your aren't madly in love now, doesn't mean you can't be in the future.

 

Right now you seem to have lots of doubts. Not a good time to be making such a long lasting decision.

[Kai19]

I too am struck by your lack of enthusiasm. Are you from a country where people don't necessarily marry for love?

I am actually interested in starting our life together. And I want to see how it all turns out.

[Kai19]

How did you end ip engaged after such a relatively short time? Have you been honest with him that you dont love him yet?

 

A lot of people marry for reasons other than love. Personally I dont think I am entitled to judge those reasons. Your reasons don't seem particularly bad, it is just strange that you would choose to settle for a relationship you have doubts about at such a young age.

 

If you think yiu can choose to love him, why not give it more time to get there before you sre married?

we've been together almost a year by the time we're actually married. So it is not something we're rushing at all.

[Miss Peach]

I agree with DreamP. I think many of the posters are not understanding what being bi is.

 

I've had this talk with my BF since I have been involved with women too. Even being with women, my preference for both sexes isn't equal. I tend to go towards men. If you look at the data OK Cupid publishes you will find the same - that most bi people have preferences more heavily towards one gender even if they are attracted to both.

 

It doesn't mean my BF can't satisfy my sexual needs or that I want women too. I am happy with just him. When we discussed this, even though BF really wants monogamy, BF was concerned I would need to be with women at some point. I told him I am happy with just you but if I ever feel I am missing out on women I will tell him and we will talk about it. BF was happy to put some options on the table if we ever want to go there but I do not at this time. Communication and working out issues is what makes for a good relationship IMO.

 

I've also dated a man who has slept with other men. I also have several gay and bi friends in my social circles. It doesn't mean you're going to get a STD. That can come from both gay and straight sex. Testing and safe sex is important regardless who is having sex.

 

OP - In regard to your inquiry past the nature of your FI's bisexuality, if that is what marriage is to you then go ahead as long as you are honest with your FI about it and it satisfies what he needs to. While many of us would want the idea of ultimate love, not everyone marries for love. Or looking into practices like arranged marriage, they don't always love who they marry but grow to love that person. If you both satisfy what the other wants and have a good relationship then it could work. I just encourage you to have a lot of open dialog about what marriage is to both of you before going through with it.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Kai19]

For me it's not the bisexuality itself. It's his history. He was married for 6 years and then for 9 years after that he dated men. No past gfs really. So I guess it's his history that makes me question how long can it work? NBut in part I feel like maybe some women aren't as open minded therefore why he stuck with guys idk. We've talked about our pasts several times. So there's really nothing new. He's said he has no preference. But I sometimes wonder if he might have a preference to men or women. I'm excited about marriage and a new chapter in our lives. I probably am just not expressing that good enough. As far as family he already knows I have to wait at least until I'm out of college. I'm not even 19 so I'm going to at least wait until 23. He knows that already. I do want to have kids eventually though. We are very similar in personality and agree on most things and what we don't we agree to disagree on mostly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Society/people have a very poor understanding of bisexuality. It doesn't mean you have to have relationships with both men and women. It means you are attracted to both sexes. To assume a bisexual man will cheat in a heterosexual relationship is the same as implying a man married to a woman with small breast will cheat with a woman with big breasts. Just because you are attracted to certain genders, races, ethnicity, physical appearances, etc, doesn't mean you need to be with all of them. A bisexual person has the same probability of cheating than any other person. Bisexuality is not the issue.

 

Yes, marriage can be between people who are not in love. Many cultures across the world do it that way. Love before marriage is a modern Western concept. Considering the divorce rate here is close to 50%, it doesn't mean it is the best option.

 

Here are the issues I see for you:

Bisexuality: This is your issue, not his. You cannot marry somebody if you doubt their ability to remain satisfied with what you provide sexually. You need to be able to accept his bisexuality and feel comfortable with yourself and the relationship you two have.

Lack of enthusiasm: As somebody else pointed you, you are not excited about starting this new part of your life. You don't have to be madly in love, but any new endeavor warrants excitement and interest. You sound like you are passively letting things happen. I could be wrong because I am making judgement based on writing, but that is what it sounds like.

 

I think what you need is to communicate with your boyfriend. Discuss your concerns about his bisexuality. Ask if he will be satisfied in a monogamous relationship. Discuss when and how many children you want. Discuss his family. This is a very big issue. How are you going to deal with them being in your life forever.

 

Good marriages are made through good communication, compromise and shared values. Love just makes it better. And love alone does not bring the other components to the marriage. Many marriages fail because people rely on love alone. Many marriages foster love. Just because your aren't madly in love now, doesn't mean you can't be in the future.

 

Right now you seem to have lots of doubts. Not a good time to be making such a long lasting decision.

well as far as his family they are not really close with him. They're mostly conservatives who are kind of narrow minded. So he doesn't really associate with them. I'm Japanese and he's bisexual they're not in our lives besides his cousins. I'm actually good friends with his second cousin and he's very very close with her mom almost like they are brother and sister.

[Kai19]

That's the thing he doesn't say he has much of a preference either way. I think more so that he might be indeed bisexual of course but he's more of the time attracted to men. Which was why I felt like it could end in divorce. But there's a risk in anything.

 

 

 

 

I know I can actually satisfy his sexual needs I guess I don't get how it works since I'm not bisexual some things are harder to understand. Even though he's very open about himself.

 

 

I agree with DreamP. I think many of the posters are not understanding what being bi is.

 

I've had this talk with my BF since I have been involved with women too. Even being with women, my preference for both sexes isn't equal. I tend to go towards men. If you look at the data OK Cupid publishes you will find the same - that most bi people have preferences more heavily towards one gender even if they are attracted to both.

 

It doesn't mean my BF can't satisfy my sexual needs or that I want women too. I am happy with just him. When we discussed this, even though BF really wants monogamy, BF was concerned I would need to be with women at some point. I told him I am happy with just you but if I ever feel I am missing out on women I will tell him and we will talk about it. BF was happy to put some options on the table if we ever want to go there but I do not at this time. Communication and working out issues is what makes for a good relationship IMO.

 

I've also dated a man who has slept with other men. I also have several gay and bi friends in my social circles. It doesn't mean you're going to get a STD. That can come from both gay and straight sex. Testing and safe sex is important regardless who is having sex.

 

OP - In regard to your inquiry past the nature of your FI's bisexuality, if that is what marriage is to you then go ahead as long as you are honest with your FI about it and it satisfies what he needs to. While many of us would want the idea of ultimate love, not everyone marries for love. Or looking into practices like arranged marriage, they don't always love who they marry but grow to love that person. If you both satisfy what the other wants and have a good relationship then it could work. I just encourage you to have a lot of open dialog about what marriage is to both of you before going through with it.

 

 

 

Also thanks for the advice I really appreciate it.

[clia]

I am not in love. I don't think. I like my bf a lot. Majorly though we both have reasons why we want to get married. I personally want to because. I'm a college student. I struggled before I got to the US and I want permanent residency and we go very well together. We live together and things are pretty good. He I think wants to get married for other reasons as well. He's a lot older than me too. Anyway, basically with marriage I feel like we have a good relationship together enough to make it work for a while at least

 

Oh, so you just want to commit immigration fraud. I see.

 

What's the age difference between the two of you? You mentioned above that you are only 18. How old is he?

[DreamP]

Oh, so you just want to commit immigration fraud. I see.

 

What's the age difference between the two of you? You mentioned above that you are only 18. How old is he?

 

It's not immigration fraud if you are really trying to make a married life together. It's only fraud it the marriage is fake and the couple does not intend to make a life together. Same as mail order brides. You may not agree with it, but it is perfectly legal.

[stillafool]

My aunt was married to a bisexual man who said he was perfectly happy to just be with her but guess what? He was constantly sneaking away to sleep with men.

 

Anyway, it seems you've already made up your mind that this is okay and you want to become a U.S. citizen so what do you need us for?

[Phoenician]

So you are ready to screw your life for a green card ?

 

I am not against Bi ppl , but Bisexual ppl usually won't build a family .

 

the issue is not the bi issue ,

 

 

 

they would live peacefully in an environment they feel secure in ....

 

you are looking at marriage as a simple trip !

[clia]

It's not immigration fraud if you are really trying to make a married life together. It's only fraud it the marriage is fake and the couple does not intend to make a life together. Same as mail order brides. You may not agree with it, but it is perfectly legal.

 

Fair enough...she is going to "try" to make it work.

 

But come on, an 18 year old girl marrying a much older, bisexual man who she's not even in love with? I'm guessing this wouldn't even be a question if she couldn't get a green card out of the deal.

[Mr. Lucky]

He knows like I said like him a lot and I can see myself sending my life with him if everything stays the same as it is now.

 

I'm afraid that sentence made me laugh out loud.

 

Very few guarantees in life but change is one of them.

 

Forget him, why would you want to limit your available pool of life partners to only the guys you've met by age 18 ? I'd guess there's someone out there that shares your values and goals, sexual orientation included. You haven't given yourself time to met him yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Peach]

OP - I didn't realize you were only 18. I met my XH at 20. FWIW, even though I was quite mature and had my life together. Even then I changed so much between 20 and 30 that I would have picked a totally different type of man to marry if I could talk to my 20 year old self. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has thought this after the fact.

 

My BTDT advice is to wait until you're much older to go through any commitment steps that can be difficult to undo like marriage, houses, kids, etc.

[Kai19]

Oh, so you just want to commit immigration fraud. I see.

 

What's the age difference between the two of you? You mentioned above that you are only 18. How old is he?

 

 

I actually want to marry him not just because of that. It is just an insentive. Basically. I like him a lot and like I said we're a lot alike. We live together and it's gone really wel. I feel like marriage wouldn't be a bad idea for us. Like I said I am not interested in a family now or anytime in the next 4 or 5 years. I need to finish school and he understand that. But I don't want to just marry him for permanent residency. I actually feel like financially is more an incentive than that imo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

he's in his upper 30's

Edited March 16, 2016 by Kai19

[Tayla]

okay. So you get along and financially its beneficial how?

 

Well golly, thats a match made in heaven. Sunshine, financial security is an old myth. If you aren't paying your own way... then secure you shall not be.

 

Marriage in actuality does enhance those willing to work out certain primal notions. You can't have known him very long... or in the proper way...

Try to enhance your self autonomy before unionizing this setup.

[clia]

What's the rush to marry, though? Why not continue to live together and wait until after you get your degree? A year is not a long time to get to know someone. Time will tell if you need to be concerned about the bisexual issues. How does your family feel about you marrying him? Do your parents like him?

[Kai19]

okay. So you get along and financially its beneficial how?

 

Well golly, thats a match made in heaven. Sunshine, financial security is an old myth. If you aren't paying your own way... then secure you shall not be.

 

Marriage in actuality does enhance those willing to work out certain primal notions. You can't have known him very long... or in the proper way...

Try to enhance your self autonomy before unionizing this setup.

 

Yeah well that's why I'm in school lol. Just in the meanwhile he has a career is successful and I want to be like him we actually wil have similar careers.