xxoo Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 So you are saying every one of your issues gets resolved within days? I envy you. Indeed many of our issues were solved in a day or two. Some took months, while a few took years. I wish all of our issues were quick and easy to solve, regardless of approach. Sometimes we both apprached things from the wrong angles, and it took several different attempts to solve them with several different approaches from both sides. This particular issue took us a while. Like you, we are stronger for havineg gotten through it together. The acute feelings of hurt have always been addressed and resolved within days. There have been some issues that took longer to resolve permanently, but we were working on it together--not looking outside the marriage to cope with the marital problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mirage10 Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Because we all like attention, wether or not it was intentionally sought. Its human. Its what you do with it that is either appropriate or not. Not everyone's marriage is 100% all the time, sometimes for years on end, when someone from the opposite sex throws a smile at you, it's uplifting. I really can't see the harm. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 I know I've still got it . Most importantly, my husband tells and shows me every day how much he values me. Do I enjoy looks from other men as validation? Maybe momentarily but I know that's completely physical. At this point in my life, I'll take a smile from my husband that tells me he thinks I'm beautiful AND loved. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 I have never cheated, not once in all my life, even in dating - one woman at a time. Now after years of a low sex marriage -and betrayals and other issues I have still not sought out validation elsewhere and focus on working on my own self validation. Mostly its been good and positive for me to focus internally on that need. Actually I don't think you can be a good partner for anyone if you got internal self esteem and validation needs. but I worry sometimes how I would hold up I was blatantly made a sexual offer by attractive woman who told me she was wildly attracted to me. Lets hope I don't ever have to deal with this. But I suspect many an affair was the result of this kind of response to an offer or opportunity. I am not excusing this - just trying to say its not some person actively seeking it out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 It can be the opposite as well. Why does a spouse like to know that their significant other is still attractive to the public? I think my wife is still the woman of my dreams, with lust, and without lust. However, is there something wrong with liking the fact that other men are attracted to her? Or seeing the reactions if she is at the beach or something? I don't think so, it doesn't take anything away from whether or not I still find her attractive, it just is a bit of an ego boost I guess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 I guess I'm an outlier. I just assume "I don't still have it" and just carry on with work and chores and being a Mom. If you "don't have it," you "don't have it." Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 It can be the opposite as well. Why does a spouse like to know that their significant other is still attractive to the public? I think my wife is still the woman of my dreams, with lust, and without lust. However, is there something wrong with liking the fact that other men are attracted to her? Or seeing the reactions if she is at the beach or something? I don't think so, it doesn't take anything away from whether or not I still find her attractive, it just is a bit of an ego boost I guess. Interesting, there is a theory out there that it is beneficial to the "spark" a wife may have for her husband if she knows other women are attracted to her him Its not quite jealousy - but simply a matter of reminding them that they got a husband who "has it". Sometimes I suppose we need (in a safe a respectful way) to know we got a good thing with some of our spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Interesting, there is a theory out there that it is beneficial to the "spark" a wife may have for her husband if she knows other women are attracted to her him Its not quite jealousy - but simply a matter of reminding them that they got a husband who "has it". Sometimes I suppose we need (in a safe a respectful way) to know we got a good thing with some of our spouses. I agree with this statement....this is a good post by the way. I think a woman always wants to feel pretty,beautiful, dress nice, good hygiene. I know I have a beautiful wife, we are a good looking couple. I know man know that she's beautiful but she doesn't need there validation but I know that she likes the compliments. Compliments make people feel good about themselves. Whether there about looks or something else. I think thats the kind of society we live in these days. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Because it seems greedy and entitled to me. I cannot speak for all only myself. But it's one thing to know your spouse finds you still attractive and another thing to feel the sexual hunger that stirs up passion that only a new person brings. I'm not saying this is morally or ethically right I'm just stating the feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 I cannot speak for all only myself. But it's one thing to know your spouse finds you still attractive and another thing to feel the sexual hunger that stirs up passion that only a new person brings. I'm not saying this is morally or ethically right I'm just stating the feeling. That seems backwards to me. Attention from random people is so cheap--they are handing it out cheaply, to all sorts of women. How many women can get attention from random men? All. How many women can keep one man's attention over the years? Far more rare and validating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 John and I walk into a restaurant....and a man looks at me.....john knows it....and is very proud that I am his. I see the interaction. It is an acknowledgment from the stranger...from my husband....that i look nice. Do I need it? no Do I desire it? no Is it nice to receive? yes There is a big difference is "seeking" compliments from the opposite sex....and being complimented. There is a big difference is validation for a job well done...and your boss wanting to jump into bed with you. The original question from Popsicle...was vague and many have answered...but we are not all on the same page. John addressed the original question in his post and she never really answered what she was looking for. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Actually I don't think you can be a good partner for anyone if you got internal self esteem and validation needs. I disagree. You will just face different issues as a couple then those who don't deal with self worth and self esteem issues. Doesn't make you a bad partner, or incapable of being a good one. Likewise plenty of people out there who don't have self esteem/self worth/self love issues, but are incapable of being good partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobbi7 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 Makes me wonder too. These married betoches should be lucky to be locked down by a man, why the heck do they have to hog up everything too and steal attention away from the single ladies? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive. That is a pretty sweeping assumption that is often very erroneous. Some times one's spouse is the one that makes them feel the most unattractive and most unworthy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 That is a pretty sweeping assumption that is often very erroneous. Some times one's spouse is the one that makes them feel the most unattractive and most unworthy. Amen...... Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive. Not all spouses will confirm attractiveness. Some marriages do not offer that level of validation and it's very sad. Others receive validation from their spouses but it's never enough because they have very deep insecurities and self esteem issues. When men hit on me, I am flattered but I certainly do not seek that attention. I usually laugh about it with my husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Makes me wonder too. These married betoches should be lucky to be locked down by a man, why the heck do they have to hog up everything too and steal attention away from the single ladies? Attention cannot be "stolen". It is freely given. A woman cannot force a man to find her attractive. Why so much resentment towards married women? I don't understand people who think marriage will solve all problems. Not every marriage is happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 It's because more often than not, marriage is more like a graduate degree or mile stone instead of a declaration of lifelong commitment to your partner. A lot people just follow the natural progression of graduate college, find someone that will "do", have their fantasy wedding and the continue living life as usual. Most of them spent more time picking out invitations to the wedding than they did choosing a partner they could spend the rest of your life with. With these sort of fickle relationships, partners instinctively know they are still competing for their spouse. And sure, they can work out, stay stylish, whatever, but rarely can they compete with their partners need for new narcissistic supply. Eventually they get traded in like '98 Carolla, but at least they still have nice clothes for their new online dating profile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I believe most people who cheat want more and more and more. What their spouse gives them is irrelevant. I was with a really crappy spouse who was disengaged, non validating etc. I wanted desperately for my family, myself and him to be happy. I didnt look to outsiders to fill my needs one of which was lonliness. He sure did! Greed, and entitlement to the max! Link to post Share on other sites
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