Relationship w EX - ANGER from DH

[Silveron]

Sounds like he's very insecure and the communication between you and your ex is amplifying this. If you want your marriage to work, the communication between you and your ex needs to stop (unless your daughter is under 18). My wife would often talk and then meet up w her ex our first year of marriage, and though I didn't go nuts, it was driving me crazy.

 

 

As for the monitoring, was this type of behavior of his happening before all this stuff with the ex started? I'm sure you dated this guy before marrying him, so what was the situation like before marriage?

 

 

Marriage counseling is also needed here, continue what you both are doing and the bond will be broken.

[r2d2]

We just had a horrible fight because he wants me to deposit all the money i have in a savings account -- into our joint account asap. (I put 4500 in there) He said I'm not a team player because HE has all resources in the joint account and I don't..

 

THEN -- he got mad because I wanted to go on a 100.00 dollar a month payment plan to my divorce attorney. My husband felt he didn't do a good job and never allowed me to pay any of the 10k bill remaining (from a year ago)...It will hit my credit soon.

 

He said that I am totally not on his side and "what kind of wife are you?!" because I want to pay 100 a month and not giving every cent we have to the joint account.

 

SO we were at lunch when this happened and in FRONT OF THE WAITER he said "I think you need to pick a team I am tired of your games!" He said that loudly!

 

I was so embarrassed. I ran out of there and he said "you just LOVE TO BE THE VICTIM"...you realize that You are making me out to be a villain and you are sick in the head.

 

I have been crying here... crying hard. Help me comprehend what just happened.

 

I came home and demanded he shut the cameras off. He said "this is my house...they are staying... go find your own room if you don't want to be monitored." I ran into the bedroom and slammed the door and he came in behind me and told me i'm impossible to live with and i've caused SO much damage to our relationship today.

 

Also read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

 

Your husband is a textbook abuser.

[kgcolonel]

Okay....time to pack up and leave.....no excuse for this behavior!!

[r2d2]

I truly don't believe he would physically hurt me but he loves to emotionally draw me down. Maybe I live in a closeted world....but i'm not sure I have ever heard a couple fighting like that at a restaurant.... I couldn't believe it. Have you ever witnessed anything so awful? I smiled calmly at the waiter and put on a nice face as we walked out and he said "you are so fake....FAKE"

[Miss Peach]

Several things you mentioned were similar to my XH who I had to leave. As a FYI MC is NOT recommended for abusive and controlling people.

 

My XH did everything you mentioned except the monitors (but he did use key logging software on the computer). I didn't have an ex husband but he did act that way around friends and coworkers - even women. It kept escalating this behavior until I started getting panic attacks from being around him. IMO this is not a good dynamic your your child to see.

 

I second the book recommendations for 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft and "Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans. Just make sure to read them somewhere he can't fine them. I read my copies at work on a kindle app.

[Dolfin80]

It will move to physical battery if u stay. He's prob already doing it by throwing n breaking your things.

[ShatteredLady]

Was your H married before? What happened there? What are his parents like?

 

His behavior is so very extreme. It's going to destroy you!! The question then becomes does he have a HUGE chip on his shoulder from his past relationship or something that can be handled with therapy....OR....Is this so ingrained in him that even if you get him to dial it back, one day there will be a major strain (& there ALWAYS is. It's marriage!) & he will revert to type & could be a very dangerous person.

 

This is how he is when things are 'normal'. What could he be like under incredible stress, real loss of control??

 

The examples you give are very unhealthy. I'm sorry. It breaks you down bit by bit until you don't know who that sad, broken lady in the mirror is.

[dreamingoftigers]

We just had a horrible fight because he wants me to deposit all the money i have in a savings account -- into our joint account asap. (I put 4500 in there) He said I'm not a team player because HE has all resources in the joint account and I don't..

 

THEN -- he got mad because I wanted to go on a 100.00 dollar a month payment plan to my divorce attorney. My husband felt he didn't do a good job and never allowed me to pay any of the 10k bill remaining (from a year ago)...It will hit my credit soon.

 

He said that I am totally not on his side and "what kind of wife are you?!" because I want to pay 100 a month and not giving every cent we have to the joint account.

 

SO we were at lunch when this happened and in FRONT OF THE WAITER he said "I think you need to pick a team I am tired of your games!" He said that loudly!

 

I was so embarrassed. I ran out of there and he said "you just LOVE TO BE THE VICTIM"...you realize that You are making me out to be a villain and you are sick in the head.

 

I have been crying here... crying hard. Help me comprehend what just happened.

 

I came home and demanded he shut the cameras off. He said "this is my house...they are staying... go find your own room if you don't want to be monitored." I ran into the bedroom and slammed the door and he came in behind me and told me i'm impossible to live with and i've caused SO much damage to our relationship today.

 

I truly don't believe he would physically hurt me but he loves to emotionally draw me down. Maybe I live in a closeted world....but i'm not sure I have ever heard a couple fighting like that at a restaurant.... I couldn't believe it. Have you ever witnessed anything so awful? I smiled calmly at the waiter and put on a nice face as we walked out and he said "you are so fake....FAKE"

 

FFS.

 

He's a total abuser.

 

Like no excuse for that period.

 

You can't negotiate with it, reason with it or get it to reduce in any way.

 

By the way, being a " team" or "partnership" means everyone is valuable, not just some control freak who is determined to undermine even your personal security.

 

By the way, it isn't "his house" it's the marital house. As in BOTH of yours. Which means you are entitled to basic rights and freedoms in it. Which means you have EQUAL say in how you wish to live.

 

Those cameras are nothing short of disgusting.

 

Unfortunately, you are going to have to figure out that he isn't trying to "partner" with you. He's trying to control you and punish you when you fail to respond to that control.

 

The mindfu*k network only has three channels:

 

1. Charm.

He will flatter you and make you feel super-duper special. "Oh you're my only, you're the greatest, you're the only one that understands me."

 

2. Self-pity.

"Oh you won't be on my team."

"Why do you hurt and reject me so bad? It was just a little argument. I was so so hurt. I have a big sad because you are so mean to me."

 

When those two fail: 3. RAGE

 

"If you don't do as I say, you will PAY!"

 

Any hurt you have is viewed as "manipulation" and something he has to "compete with."

Like for instance: "if you wouldn't act like this, I wouldn't have to do xyz."

 

Lady. He's an adult. He makes his own choices.

He figures you'll have and eontbstabd up for yourself. And if you do, he figures he can knock you back down.

 

You can't sustain a long-term relationship with a man that treats you this way. You can only fight for your right everyday to have your own thoughts, feelings, things and freedoms. That's no way to live.

 

This type of individual figures they can have the whole world and your right to breathe is negotiable.

[sandylee1]

I would be uncomfortable if my husband had a lot of chit chat with his ex..but these cameras are something else altogether. He clearly has control and insecurity issues.

 

 

With your ex.. perhaps tell him if it's not related to your daughter..The best time to call you is perhaps during the day..or whenever you're not having alone time with your DH. That's if you plan on staying in the marriage with your husband's controlling nature.

 

Has he been cheated on before?

 

If it were me.. I'd have the cameras taken down or declare the marriage over. I will not be on 24/7 surveillance like a criminal. It's just ridiculous. Transparency is one thing .... but this is obsessive.

I'd find it scary as well. Do the cameras have sound on them as well?

 

Have you guys been to counselling ?

He needs to know his behaviour is not healthy and you need to stop putting up with it.

 

Security cameras are one thing...but this is beyond crazy.

 

Does your husband have violent tendencies at all?

[dichotomy]

This did not come up (your relationship with your ex) while you were dating and engaged to your new guy?

 

Has he been cheated on before or has some reason to suspect your relationship with other men?

 

Is the jealousy, anger and suspicion from your new husband creating a hostile home for your child ? Speaking of which - how is your new husbands relationship with your child ?

 

If you have no new children with him, and can financially handle it - I think you need to consider separation. The behavior is scary and I worry about your child.

Edited March 11, 2016 by dichotomy

[dreamingoftigers]

This did not come up (your relationship with your ex) while you were dating and engaged to your new guy?

 

Has he been cheated on before or has some reason to suspect your relationship with other men?

 

Is the jealousy, anger and suspicion from your new husband creating a hostile home for your child ? Speaking of which - how is your new husbands relationship with your child ?

 

If you have no new children with him, and can financially handle it - I think you need to consider separation. The behavior is scary and I worry about your child.

 

Often guys like this won't present their garbage until they figure the woman is trapped enough she won't leave.

 

Part of why domestic abuse often starts during pregnancy.

[Dolfin80]

Yes thats correct domestic abusers dont show their true colours until you're trapped....like marriage and children.

[anika99]

New username but same story. OP when will you finally learn? When will you finally dump this loser and start being a mother to your child? You've been told over and over again on LS that you need to dump this creep and yet you do nothing but post over and over again. If you waste anymore years of your life in this sick twisted dyfunctional relationship the only person for you to blame is yourself. When your daughter is older and she is hostile to you because you chose an abuser over her, don't blame your husband, blame yourself. When you wake up one day and see years have passed you by and you have no close healthy relationships and you only have a controlling lunatic for company, blame yourself.

 

Posting here as different people does nothing to fix your problems and it's never going to fix your problems. Are you ever going to actually do something to help yourself?

[Fearful]

Op. How long have you known your husband and when did he started behaving this way.