Malfii Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Hi all - I outlined a lot of my relationship issues here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/569074-ex-gf-who-left-3-months-ago-moving-things-out-next-week-crisis here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/569118-ex-gf-moving-out-beginning and Here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/569255-another-day-more-questions-struggles Basically, the day after the last day I logged in, 2/10, the ex and I met up, and decided to pursue a physical relationship with the potential for me. Things got serious quickly, with us both admitting we loved each other, her spending nights (she did move out, while we were reconciling, and is living in Jersey City, which is quite a trek from my neighborhood. I (the male, a year older) am definitely the more demanding of the two. She explained she wanted space and not to feel I was overbearing. I said I needed to feel secure in her emotions towards me, and needed her to express herself if she was feeling anxious, etc., and I would too. We had a LOT of great dates the last few weeks. Any fight we got into was quickly dissolved (usually, I guess, started by me). I did push for her to stay a lot, but also was sure to give her time with her friends, who she slowly started to tell we were seeing again. A few weeks ago, she went out with her ex BF (he is 45 with a kid, she is 27), ended up getting trashed until 2 AM, and, right after she told me she was coming to my apt to stay over, ended up blacking out and waking up on his couch. She claims nothing happened (no kissing or anything) and immediately rushed uptown to me (who was sick) to apologize. I was calm, explaining I forgave her and that I understood, but that I didn't want him in her life (or mine). Things basically ended there with that, but I felt I grew a lot from my therapy and our first breakup. This weekend, we fought a little more than usual. She spent most of the weekend with me, but argued a bunch of times. Still, she told me she wanted to plan a trip to Brazil with me, and as recently as yesterday at 4pm, was making plans with me for a trip to Brazil. Last night, I pushed her to stay, but she wouldn't. I told her I had a bad day, and wanted to watch my basketball game. She suggested getting a drink, despite the fact that she had previously told me she did not want to drink or spend money last night, because she wanted to see me. I had two drinks, she had one, and at 8PM I said, as she was ordering food, that I wanted to go home. I told her she was making me feel guilty for going out. She said I was making HER feel guilty, closed our tab, and marched out, leaving me there and ignoring my calls. When we spoke, she told me she didn't want this relationship anymore, was done, and even though she loved me, couldn't go on. That was that. What am I to take of this????? Please help.
Author Malfii Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Would really appreciate any help here. I'm sort of spiraling. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) Hi all - I outlined a lot of my relationship issues here: <snip> What am I to take of this????? Please help. What am I to take of this????? -- "she told me she didn't want this relationship anymore, was done, and even though she loved me, couldn't go on." I don't see what the confusion is . . . move on. Edited March 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote 1
Author Malfii Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 The problem is, literally HOURS before, and during it, she claimed she loved me. Two hours before, while we met, she told me she wanted to be there for me. We had plans for the entire week. I guess my question is what the heck happened here? Clearly the long-term goal is to move on. But that's easier said than done. This was a long, complicated relationship. My biggest question is why would she act like this? The highs and lows in such a short period of time? 1
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 The problem is, literally HOURS before, and during it, she claimed she loved me. Two hours before, while we met, she told me she wanted to be there for me. We had plans for the entire week. I guess my question is what the heck happened here? Clearly the long-term goal is to move on. But that's easier said than done. This was a long, complicated relationship. My biggest question is why would she act like this? The highs and lows in such a short period of time? The highs and lows -- She had been struggling with the decision and simply reached the decision. This relationship has been a train wreck with two co-dependent people driving it. It's just time.
Satu Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 The problem is, literally HOURS before, and during it, she claimed she loved me. Two hours before, while we met, she told me she wanted to be there for me. We had plans for the entire week. I guess my question is what the heck happened here? Clearly the long-term goal is to move on. But that's easier said than done. This was a long, complicated relationship. My biggest question is why would she act like this? The highs and lows in such a short period of time? Don't waste your time trying to understand her behaviour. Spend your time coming to an understanding of your own, instead. Self-Realisation trumps everything else. This is what matters: Your life. Your hopes. Your dreams. Your wishes. Your successes and failures. Your aspirations. Your fears. Your learning. Your psyche. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." — C. G. Jung Take care. 2
Author Malfii Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Is it worth giving this time and space and trying to reconcile? It worked once before. Could I have done anything to prevent this? 1
Satu Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Is it worth giving this time and space and trying to reconcile? It worked once before. Could I have done anything to prevent this? The many thousands, or millions of decisions and choices you have made, have all brought you to where you are now, in this moment. The problem lies in the fact that you're not happy with the place where your choices have delivered you. To get to somewhere you'd really want to be, you'd need to make better and different choices. Personally, I wouldn't spend any time trying to like a place where I don't want to be. I think that thats what you're trying to do. You are tinkering with this relationship in the hope that you can get to like it. But you don't like it. Not really. *Is it worth giving this time and space and trying to reconcile? **It worked once before. ***Could I have done anything to prevent this? *No. It will fail again, because you will make the same choices and decisions again. **No it didn't. If it had worked, you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. ***Yes. You could have made different and better choices, but that doesn't really matter now. Don't work on this relationship. Don't spend your time trying to understand her. Work on understanding yourself, and finding out how you can move yourself from where you are now, to a place where you'd actually want to be. Take care.
frigginlost Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Out of the posts you have referred to, and all the explanations, and all the head wrapping you're trying to do, this nuclear bomb red flag should be at the base of your brain right now and should tell you everything you need to know: "When we met, she was juggling three guys pretty consistently, hooking up with one for a while, then stopping, hooking up with another, then moving on, and going in circles. Or so it would seem - I never really got the full story." Don't reply with "well I was doing this chick or that chick". *Read* what you wrote. Your answer is there. This has nothing to do with who you are it would seem, but has everything to do with who she is... See her for who she is, and go become who you want to be emotionally. 1
Author Malfii Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 @Frigginlost - This is basically the advice I have been receiving. As I've come to understand (or trying to understand?) it appears when she gets too close to a certain guy, she runs. Then she meets another guy who likes her, gets involved, and decides HE'S too much, too. The cycle continues. I'm probably a little more persistent than those guys, so when I keep coming back, it's easier for her to latch back on/off. Does that sound like the truth? Is she just too emotionally immature, and simply not capable of a real relationship? 1
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 @Frigginlost - This is basically the advice I have been receiving. As I've come to understand (or trying to understand?) it appears when she gets too close to a certain guy, she runs. Then she meets another guy who likes her, gets involved, and decides HE'S too much, too. The cycle continues. I'm probably a little more persistent than those guys, so when I keep coming back, it's easier for her to latch back on/off. Does that sound like the truth? Is she just too emotionally immature, and simply not capable of a real relationship? Yes. From the sounds of it, she is incapable of having the type of relationship you seek, be it from immaturity or something else (personality disorder etc). What you need to realize is that no matter how much you love her, you can't change her. Only she can... if she ever wants to. You're doing everything correct on your end by trying to get to know and fix yourself. I applaud you on that. But, you're up against a very hard part in healing in trying to come to terms with you not being able to control what is happening, so you're looking at yourself as the issue in why she left. That does not seem to be the case. That single paragraph you wrote tells her story completely. 1
Author Malfii Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 I appreciate all your help. Last night I spoke to her on the phone, for quite some time (until 1AM, I greatly regret this). I ended up begging, which was dumb. She had, earlier in the night, agreed to hang out with me on Friday. My friends told me this was her way of throwing me pity, while basically saying "I'm not interested." On the phone, she told me she was torn, but really didn't want anything. I asked what happened, and she said that our Monday exchange - me being in a bad mood, not allowing her to feel comfortable just sitting by my side during my bad day, and pushing her away, sent off red flags of our previous relationship of me trying to control. I tried to explain that this was a matter of bad communication - that if she could show patience, I would be able to slow things down. She said she had noticed more anxiety from me the past few weeks, and that the anxiety caused her, on Monday, to not feel comfortable. In her words, on Monday, "it just clicked!" She realized that even though she loved me and meant everything she had said the days before (planning a trip to Brazil, appreciating art with me in ways she couldn't with anyone else, etc) she just didn't see a future. With me. Ever. I know I can be a lot. I know I have a lot of anxiety. Am I doomed to push women I love away because of this? Are her reasons of ending this valid? I asked her what she wanted, and she said she couldn't imagine being with anyone right now. Yet I'm sure she's prepping to jump back on dating apps (something I'm done doing). What does this all mean? What should I take from this conversation? 1
Shiggs Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Dude, why would you even want to be with someone that's not even sure they want to be with you? The sheer fact that she's so flip floppy should give you the hint to get the hell out of there. If she wanted to reconcile, she would have made it crystal clear. You need to step away and stop being so dependent on her. 2
Author Malfii Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 A gigantic fear of mine is that in a few months she'll meet some guy who isn't as high strung as me, and he'll be perfect, and I'll realize if I had learned to relax I could've made it work. Basically, I'm fearful that I am fatally flawed.
keiji Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) A gigantic fear of mine is that in a few months she'll meet some guy who isn't as high strung as me, and he'll be perfect, and I'll realize if I had learned to relax I could've made it work. Basically, I'm fearful that I am fatally flawed. Who's not flawed? I think this time around she wanted to put her toe in the water and saw that the relationship was basically following the same patterns it did before, so she quit. And yes, she'll meet some guy in the future. And you'll meet some girl "and she'll be perfect, and ex-g will realize if she had learnt to [FILL IN YOURSELF], she could've made it work". You should stop fearing what she may or may not do. She'll do it anyway. Close the door and throw away the key. Edited March 9, 2016 by keiji 1
frigginlost Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 A gigantic fear of mine is that in a few months she'll meet some guy who isn't as high strung as me, and he'll be perfect, and I'll realize if I had learned to relax I could've made it work. Basically, I'm fearful that I am fatally flawed. I'll post this again for you. ;-) "When we met, she was juggling three guys pretty consistently, hooking up with one for a while, then stopping, hooking up with another, then moving on, and going in circles. Or so it would seem - I never really got the full story." She sounds very much like one of my exes. Very good at blame-shifting in order to position herself to do whatever the heck she wants. Trust me, she is going to date, and whoever she ends up with is only going to last a very short time until she bounces on to the next guy. She is not stable at all. Stop carrying her load and go find a healthy individual. She is doing nothing but destroying you emotionally.
Satu Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Learn to love yourself. When you do, you'll not not feel as dependent on the affections of others. You will have happier relationships, because you will have already met all your needs. You won't be coming from a place of scarcity. Take care.
Zahara Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 A gigantic fear of mine is that in a few months she'll meet some guy who isn't as high strung as me, and he'll be perfect, and I'll realize if I had learned to relax I could've made it work. Basically, I'm fearful that I am fatally flawed. We're all flawed. The good thing is that you're taking steps to work on you. You mentioned that in the time period that you've ended with her, which is a few weeks, you've been in therapy. You recognize areas in your life that you need to work on. The thing is even if she came back today, you both will repeat the same song and dance. Why? You both trigger each other. You both bring unhealthy behaviors to the table. It's never going to work. Let her go. Cut her out. She doesn't add to you life. 2
Recommended Posts