EX GF Moving Out (from the beginning)

[Malfii]

I have another threat going here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/569074-ex-gf-who-left-3-months-ago-moving-things-out-next-week-crisis

 

But I thought it best to start from the beginning. I'm really hoping for some support and clarity here, as I'm struggling mightily.

 

Basically, the ex and I met, on Tinder, Sept 2014. At the time she was 25 and had lived in NYC for two years (from Texas) and I was 26 (about to be 27) and had lived in NYC for my entire life, minus my four years in college in engineering school in Ohio.

 

When we met, she was juggling three guys pretty consistently, hooking up with one for a while, then stopping, hooking up with another, then moving on, and going in circles. Or so it would seem - I never really got the full story.

 

I had been sleeping around, looking for a girlfriend pretty aggressively - I had broken up with my 3+year long distance relationship in may 2013 and was ready to find a relationship again. Online dating had been proving good for hookups and that's it, so I took a hiatus summer 2014, and started back up in Sept.

 

I'm a pretty aggressive, straight forward guy. I'm awful at playing the "game," in that I can't not text someone if I don't want to (or rather, I don't see the point in waiting) and if I'm interested in someone I want to see and talk to them, period.

 

We went on a couple coffee/midday dates, and one date to a bar, and I decided to ask her if she wanted to try it exclusively, so as to not be distracted by constantly being on dating apps. She agreed. Things were really great, from there.

 

We did, however, have issues with out friends/friendships. I'm more involved with the NYC culture scene - I work in music and enjoy concerts, getting involved with the arts, and craft beer. Her life primarily centered around her friends - she claimed she loved doing things alone, but from what I understand, her summer 2014 was basically her binge drinking until 4AM with a group of fellow Texans that live in NYC. There's my judgement right there.

 

These issues persisted, although she began to calm down and meet me at the level of activity I wanted - there's me controlling the situation. We started to see her friends less and less, and eventually not at all. They did NOT like me, as I now know, and resented me changing her. Something she now tells me would've been OK if we didn't fight so much.

 

The thing is, after we moved in, the fighting got worse. She told me she lost her sense of self - that she didn't know who she was and felt dead. She fought with me constantly despite the fact that I was trying to take her to fun things (Newport Folk Fest, a festival in Iowa, lots of breweries, concerts, art openings, etc. Things she claimed she wanted to do and enjoyed!). Even now, she says the saddest part of this breakup is she would've loved those art events under any other circumstances. It's one of the things that drove me to her.

 

In Sept, just over four months into our lease and a week after my father-like uncle's funeral (which she attended with me, in OH, despite the fact that her best friend came to NYC to get engaged with her there), she left. I was devastated. I begged for her back, and she returned, only to leave (for her home town of Houston) and then return again. She left for good in early November, 5 days before my birthday. We had sex a few times after she left, but she sent me a nasty email the Tues before Thanksgiving. No contact, beyond her telling me she needed to grab clothing, and lots of social media blocking proceeded. (side note: she left, but she's still paying her part of the lease, since she signed it with me. All of her stuff is in the apartment still -more on that below).

 

 

And here we are. At the beginning of January, she stalked me down at the apartment, where we almost had sex until she stopped me to tell me she didn't love me like that anymore. The next day I asked her to meet with me so I could talk about a breakthrough I had in therapy. She flirted, I apologized for my problems in the relationship, she tried to kiss me, I asked her to leave.

 

A few weeks ago she continued to request that I not have sex on her bed (which she's taking) and that I respect the fact that it's her apartment too. I got fed up and told her to move her stuff into storage. She agreed, and that's happening on the 20th. We ran into each

 

Last night we had a long conversation about the relationship, how I had been controlling, all the many things I did wrong, and just about us now. She continued to place the blame on me: when I asked her for an example of something SHE did wrong, she told me she was wrong to not be emotionally available in the way that I needed her to be. To me, that's almost like saying it's my fault she couldn't be emotional. Likewise, she told me her friends never liked me, and that it was my fault I never got to know them and I made them feel she had changed with me. She said, repeatedly, she's in a good place and happy some days, though she feels sad others. She made a point of saying she's doing "fun, funky things and really enjoying life." And for the last two weeks has posted pictures of her playing checkers in Central Park and taking a weaving class. I was honest in saying that I don't love her anymore, but I miss her, and that it's hard for me to return to our apartment, meaning I have no real safe zone anymore. It's exhausting, honestly. I still only sleep on my side of the bed.

 

(side note on me/events - my jobs affords me super high access to amazing events - I sit on two art boards, I go to a ton of sold out concerts and festivals with high level VIP, and I love NYC to the extent that exploring it is something I in which I relish. Basically, her comment feels like an attack).

 

I feel healthier emotionally now than I was in November, but guilt and blame still weigh me down. I miss her companionship, even though she's been beyond cruel to me. I can see my flaws, and I understand that it's only human to have problems. But it's hard to reconcile these feelings with the emptiness I feel.

 

I'm working hard with my therapist, twice weekly, to get to the bottom of my problems. And I asked for my ex to, once she leaves, basically delete me from her life, as I plan on doing. I hate that it got to this point (I've never had a breakup that did) but something about this made it impossible to function with the thought of her. I still sometimes wonder if she's out there screwing a bunch of dudes (without condoms, as she tended to do - ugh). I've started to stop those thoughts but it's horrible,

 

Anyway, I know that's a lot to consume. But I need help. Beyond my therapy, I have these massive down moments. I'm sometimes ok, and I love my friends, but I can't get rid of dark thoughts.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Malfii

[Toodaloo]

When we met, she was juggling three guys pretty consistently, hooking up with one for a while, then stopping, hooking up with another, then moving on, and going in circles. Or so it would seem - I never really got the full story.

 

I had been sleeping around, looking for a girlfriend pretty aggressively - I had broken up with my 3+year long distance relationship in may 2013 and was ready to find a relationship again. Online dating had been proving good for hookups and that's it, so I took a hiatus summer 2014, and started back up in Sept.

 

 

It was never going to work from the start.

 

Take a break from dating, focus on who you as a person are and go from there.

[Malfii]

It was never going to work from the start.

 

Take a break from dating, focus on who you as a person are and go from there.

 

At the time we met, I hadn't slept with anyone in four months. I had a moment in early May where a girl I had been seeing used me pretty strongly, and I backed off from the idea of dating entirely.

 

She got black out drunk the Friday after we met (on a Thursday) and had blackout sex with one of the guys she was sorta seeing. She doesn't remember if she used protection or where he even lives. She showed up and left.

 

She says, now, that she's a different person. I may have judged her too harshly for her past transgressions. She also had a slight cocaine problem (doing it every weekend) with her last real Ex, back in Texas.

[Toodaloo]

Four months... Wow.

 

Must have been hard. Yes I am being sarcastic. I once went four years with no sex for the simple reason I wanted a proper grounded relationship.

 

In the past three years I have had sex a grand total of 6 times. Four of which were around two weeks ago! Believe you me I am gagging here. But I am not putting out the poonani for just anyone.

 

Sex is not the be all and end all! Its a delightful added extra and trust me when you keep it under wraps and wait to build a connection then have sex... Oh wow... it just gets better and better. And the best bit is that you feel safe, comfortable and do it all over again and again!

 

The more you say the more I can tell you this was never going to work. You make think all of this is reasonable behaviour but seriously ITS NOT! Quit making excuses and wipe the slate clean.

[Malfii]

Another day and I'm still struggling.

 

I can't quite reconcile why I miss her, when I know that, at its base level, the fact that she was able to leave me with such ease means that she never really loved me.

 

Still, I'm left picking up the pieces, both financially and literally, of the life we started and so abruptly stopped building together.

 

It's definitely party loneliness and idealization, but I genuinely miss a lot of things about her. I know that even if I wanted her back, I could never actually make that happen because 1. She'd never do it, 2. her friends wouldn't let her, and 3. My friends would disown me.

 

How do I get through this?