Always liking unavailable people

[okc85]

This is embarrassing to admit, but I feel like my dating life is never going to change if I don't figure out why I have this pattern.

 

My last few relationships have been short relationships. The first relationship was with someone I knew was moving away back to their country across the ocean. I still dated her, and even flew over to visit her for 'one last time.' Then I never saw her again. I knew all along that this relationship couldn't last, but I still pursued it and got hurt.

 

The next person..we had entirely different worldviews. We had nothing in common. But somehow, it lasted 3 months. I didn't want to be the one to break it off, I wanted to keep 'trying' even though I knew it just wasn't going to work out. So she finally had to be the one to end it. Of course, ultimately, I was relieved, but wondered why I stayed in an incompatible relationship, or even sought it out when I knew early on we had some core differences.

 

The most recent was pretty short too. She told me from the start that she's the type of person who is afraid of commitment, and hasn't ever felt deeply in love. You'd think I would've 'ran' when I heard this, but why would I do such a reasonable thing? Well, things were pretty good when we were dating, but not official. We had good chemistry and similar worldviews, etc.

 

Once we 'became official' she started to pull away from me. It sucked because I had developed feelings and had to sort of squash them because she was no longer being sweet and cute, and wanting to see me often, etc. It was hard to make plans. Finally she ended it a few days ago. I just feel so ridiculous. I'm worried this is going to be a hard 'trait' to overcome.

 

I guess I wonder if anyone's had a similar dating experience, and how they 'overcame' it. I do want a long term relationship but I seem to throw hurdles in my way. I don't want to continue this pattern.

[Jabron1]

To be stoic is a masculine quality. An emotionally unavailable man can easily be misread by women as self-discipline. Self-discipline is a very strong masculine trait of an alpha male. Emotionally unavailable men are often misjudged by women as masculine men. When, really, they are broken man-children.

 

On the other hand, emotionally unavailable women trigger a man's chase response. She becomes a challenge. And the more he invests, the more obsessed he becomes. Men are problem solvers, and feel that the answer to a woman's love is always solvable.

 

Therein lies your problem. You are developing a sniper mentality with these women. The answer is to multi-date.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Jabron1

[Larryville]

My last few relationships have been short relationships.

 

The next person.. we had entirely different worldviews. We had nothing in common.

 

The most recent was pretty short too. She told me from the start that she's the type of person who is afraid of commitment, and hasn't ever felt deeply in love.

 

Once we 'became official' she started to pull away from me.

 

I guess I wonder if anyone's had a similar dating experience, and how they 'overcame' it. I do want a long term relationship but I seem to throw hurdles in my way. I don't want to continue this pattern.

 

For me some time ago I fundamentally knew I had to wipe my slate clean and figure out who and what I was and what I was looking for. I posted a thread:

 

MB Personality profile matching in dating

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/571108-mb-personality-profile-matching-dating

 

Of course you can’t ask those you meet to take a test or even know what type of personality traits they possess but I know I had to understand myself and until you figure that out you will keep hitting your head against the wall wondering why the women you meet are not syncing with who you are.

 

There are some people with certain personality types that will never work for you no matter what you do but again this is a matter of looking in the mirror and doing some self-assessment.

 

Emotionally unavailable men are often misjudged by women as masculine men. When, really, they are broken man-children.

 

Yup… another thing is this is why knowing and understanding someone’s background and (relationship role models) is important. If a young man grows up in an environment where all he ever saw was messed up relationship models that obviously will affect how he sees, views and behaves in relationships…

 

emotionally unavailable women trigger a man's chase response. She becomes a challenge…

 

and dudes end up wasting time and money chasing something he is never going to catch…

[carhill]

I guess I wonder if anyone's had a similar dating experience, and how they 'overcame' it. I do want a long term relationship but I seem to throw hurdles in my way. I don't want to continue this pattern.

 

I stopped being concerned with the future but did take steps to verify the ladies weren't married. Other than that, whatever happened, happened. With strangers, and accepting we can read minds, only time reveals truths, so one can fight time or embrace time. Sure, it's nice to learn and know 'red flags' of unavailable people but a lot of that is nebulous since, well, none of us are mind readers. Oops, repeated myself

[losangelena]

This is embarrassing to admit, but I feel like my dating life is never going to change if I don't figure out why I have this pattern.

 

My last few relationships have been short relationships. The first relationship was with someone I knew was moving away back to their country across the ocean. I still dated her, and even flew over to visit her for 'one last time.' Then I never saw her again. I knew all along that this relationship couldn't last, but I still pursued it and got hurt.

 

The next person..we had entirely different worldviews. We had nothing in common. But somehow, it lasted 3 months. I didn't want to be the one to break it off, I wanted to keep 'trying' even though I knew it just wasn't going to work out. So she finally had to be the one to end it. Of course, ultimately, I was relieved, but wondered why I stayed in an incompatible relationship, or even sought it out when I knew early on we had some core differences.

 

The most recent was pretty short too. She told me from the start that she's the type of person who is afraid of commitment, and hasn't ever felt deeply in love. You'd think I would've 'ran' when I heard this, but why would I do such a reasonable thing? Well, things were pretty good when we were dating, but not official. We had good chemistry and similar worldviews, etc.

 

Once we 'became official' she started to pull away from me. It sucked because I had developed feelings and had to sort of squash them because she was no longer being sweet and cute, and wanting to see me often, etc. It was hard to make plans. Finally she ended it a few days ago. I just feel so ridiculous. I'm worried this is going to be a hard 'trait' to overcome.

 

I guess I wonder if anyone's had a similar dating experience, and how they 'overcame' it. I do want a long term relationship but I seem to throw hurdles in my way. I don't want to continue this pattern.

 

I had a similar realization a few years ago. I had been dating a lot and meeting a lot of men, but I found that the ones I dated for any length of time, or the ones I found myself most drawn to, were all unavailable in some way. There was the guy who was still hurting from his previous marriage; there was the bohemian writer who preferred hanging out with his rescue dogs; there was the workaholic depressive who later admitted he was "too lazy" to date; there was coke-addicted drug dealer.

 

Have you ever heard the term, "like attracts like?" My realization sent me to therapy, because I had to honestly stop and ask myself, "am I unavailable, too?" Answer: probably, and I'm still working on that. Realizations are like an onion. Peel off one layer, and there are a host of new problems underneath.

 

I think it's probably worth the effort to try and discover why you have the impulse to date unavailable women, whatever the reason.

[thecrucible]

Let your mind focus on how much their lack of availability impacts you. I was like this for a while - being far too interested in unavailable people. When I decided to only make my effort equal theirs, the unavailable men were a lot more obvious to me. I also experienced a lot of hurt with a couple of guys and it completely changed my perspective.

 

Also on knowing why you end up with unavailable people, I agree with one of the above points. I'm not being hard on myself or blaming myself but I can find it difficult to open up to people so I realised this has turned off good guys in the past and made it easier for the unavailable ones because by hiding my feelings, the unavailable men were more able to take advantage of me. I still don't find it very easy to open up to people but I know that the right guy would make me feel comfortable enough to do that, not that I'm walking on eggshells around him.

[Miss Peach]

OP - I used to have the same issue. I found reading Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim very helpful. She talks a lot about unavailable relationship and has 1,000s of articles on the topic. It helped me a lot to reverse this pattern.

[Satu]

OP - I used to have the same issue. I found reading Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim very helpful. She talks a lot about unavailable relationship and has 1,000s of articles on the topic. It helped me a lot to reverse this pattern.

 

She's probably the most knowledgable person that there is, when it comes to that topic.

[Satu]

Oh man, I did! That Jung quote is the s***.

 

Here it is again then, just for you!

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

— C. G. Jung

[okc85]

OP - I used to have the same issue. I found reading Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim very helpful. She talks a lot about unavailable relationship and has 1,000s of articles on the topic. It helped me a lot to reverse this pattern.

 

 

Thanks, I'm going to check out her blog.

[candie13]

op, people attracted to emotionally unavailable people are emotionally unavailable themselves. Usually.

 

Most often, this is result of abuse (verbal, physical or sexual) or abandonment (emotional or physical, repeated or definitive) in infancy or childhood, also the causes may be varied - such as very strict parents, lack of displays of emotion in the household, etc etc. Or having had parents or close family members suffer from drug or alcohol abuse - even mild, we are not talking about full blown addictions that destroy a person. Even legal addictions, such as alcohol, who seem to be kept under control by (heavy yet functional) drinkers, affect all the family members, close and distant.

 

It all depends on just how dedicated you are to really pinning down the cause of your attraction and solving it. If you're just searching for a quick fix, go read articles and some self help books.

 

If you see that this inclination of yours is poisoning your life, you might want to start asking yourself some more serious questions about the origins of such an occurring and talk to some people who have the knowledge to help. That would be to have the courage of identifying the cause and mechanics of your attraction to such individuals.

 

As one has no idea how they became emotionally unavailable, perhaps they can start recognizing the signs of emotionally unavailability in others and avoid such people, but the attraction will still be there. That would not treat you or prevent you from falling for such individuals.

 

we like what we like and we are attracted to what we are attracted. The mind processes the why some time after the attraction formed, this is why we keep lagging behind and keep losing at this game.

 

I say "take it seriously". It's only your life, we're talking about. Only your happiness.

[brandon26003]

I am a 35 year old male. This has been happening to me for years. I'm always attracted to emotionally unavailable women. I'll fall quickly for those who are unavailable, and it ends just as quickly as it started. I disagree that with one person's post that those who fall for unavailable people are unavailable themselves. I feel like I'm more than available. I've been trying to solve this puzzle for years.

[carhill]

Sometimes that's all that's in one's dating pool. IME, it's been more unavailable due to being married than being emotionally distant. However, if one has a caretaker personality, which my stint with caregiving bore out, it's more likely one will tolerate a person who is emotionally unavailable, so attraction to them is easier to grow and, well, if there are move of them around, it follows that, barring conscious revision of one's behavioral standards, one will inevitably become involved at one point or another.

 

Also, and I learned this from my exW, people who spend more time reflecting on relationships, dissecting them forensically, trying to figure them out, self-analysis and a whole host of behaviors other than just living in the moment are more likely to end up alone. That's why she's been married three times and had a boyfriend before we were divorced and I've lived alone and not dated for the six years since then. She doesn't worry about stuff, rather just lives life, emotionally distant or not. Men, meaning men who don't self-analyze, which is most men, don't care. Good lesson and thanks to her for that one.

 

Now I like unavailable people for sport. It's fun playing with them in between work and fishing. Get rid of expectations and it's quite satisfying. Probably best left for when one is older though. Heh.

[Satu]

I am a 35 year old male. *This has been happening to me for years. I'm always attracted to emotionally unavailable women. I'll fall quickly for those who are unavailable, and it ends just as quickly as it started. I disagree that with one person's post that those who fall for unavailable people are unavailable themselves. I feel like I'm more than available. I've been trying to solve this puzzle for years.

 

It isn't something that 'happens' to you.

 

Its something you do.

[candie13]

I am a 35 year old male. This has been happening to me for years. I'm always attracted to emotionally unavailable women. I'll fall quickly for those who are unavailable, and it ends just as quickly as it started. I disagree that with one person's post that those who fall for unavailable people are unavailable themselves. I feel like I'm more than available. I've been trying to solve this puzzle for years.

 

this comes with not really knowing yourself, brandon. knowing yourself is the work of a life time.

 

Trust me, if you really wanted to solve this puzzle for years, you would have. I think you mistake "trying to solve this puzzle" with thinking about it. Contemplating it. Well... it won't just go away if you think about it really hard.

 

You need to take action. Either you face this, or you accept that you are ridden by it. But you can't be on the fence, understand what I mean?

 

Start somewhere. Read books about emotional unavailability. Talk to therapists about your pattern of attraction. Meditate on this topic. Pray to God to remove this attraction from you, if you are a believer. And if these things don't work, start looking at yourself and analyse with a therapist what drives you to those people. What's the common denominator. When did it start.

 

thing is, just observing things won't change them. You need to change something, for things to change. Change nothing and nothing changes.

[smudge21]

I've always been like this and I know it's from childhood. I honestly feel worried and over think the future if someone starts chasing/wanting me and I start to push away - it's like it can be early days and I'm thinking about my life with this person and talking myself out of it. Swap that around to someone I'm chasing/wanting and it's all about the moment and the more they move away, the more interest I show.

 

 

I've noticed it happening and tried to avoid the traps, but more recently fell again. Everything seemed perfect, both single, both got along so well, but looking back I know up until the point where something happened, we were both just friends who weren't looking for anything. Then things changed but sadly she still really didn't want anything more - did that make me walk away, no sir. I saddled up and took that journey despite the fact it was clear where this was heading. I guess maybe part of me thought that this time, over all the others, I could change things and it would be different - and here I am back on LS again, so that went well.

 

 

As much as I know it's a choice I'm making (although the choices are being affected from deep within) I do honestly feel that I seem to initially attract or get interest from unavailable females for the most part. I do know they are always very keen and do most of the running in the early stages, to get me interested. It's only once I am showing interest, taking the lead, that they back off... but sadly I often don't. I don't know what the answer is - I'd generally just focused on me for the past few years and not wanted to get involved again (until this latest one came along). I know that's not the right way to live, but I have tried many things in the past to sort this out. I guess all you can do really is keep trying.

[katiegrl]

I've always been like this and I know it's from childhood. I honestly feel worried and over think the future if someone starts chasing/wanting me and I start to push away - it's like it can be early days and I'm thinking about my life with this person and talking myself out of it. Swap that around to someone I'm chasing/wanting and it's all about the moment and the more they move away, the more interest I show.

 

 

I've noticed it happening and tried to avoid the traps, but more recently fell again. Everything seemed perfect, both single, both got along so well, but looking back I know up until the point where something happened, we were both just friends who weren't looking for anything. Then things changed but sadly she still really didn't want anything more - did that make me walk away, no sir. I saddled up and took that journey despite the fact it was clear where this was heading. I guess maybe part of me thought that this time, over all the others, I could change things and it would be different - and here I am back on LS again, so that went well.

 

 

As much as I know it's a choice I'm making (although the choices are being affected from deep within) I do honestly feel that I seem to initially attract or get interest from unavailable females for the most part. I do know they are always very keen and do most of the running in the early stages, to get me interested. It's only once I am showing interest, taking the lead, that they back off... but sadly I often don't. I don't know what the answer is - I'd generally just focused on me for the past few years and not wanted to get involved again (until this latest one came along). I know that's not the right way to live, but I have tried many things in the past to sort this out. I guess all you can do really is keep trying.

 

smudge..... you should read the book "He's Scared, She's Scared: Hidden Fears that Sabotage Relationships."

 

Describes you to a tee! And many other people, including myself ....although through therapy, I have been able to understand my fears and overcome.

 

Google it, I believe it's available on Amazon.com.

 

That book has become my Bible!

[GenuineAttraction]

This goes for all you gentlemen in this scenario.

 

You're taking what you can get instead of going after what you want.

 

You can't let her go, and then the one relationship that goes further she starts becoming cold.

 

You probably started coming off as too needy, calling and texting her constantly instead of just having a good time, planning and leading dates, and hooking up.

 

In other words, you talked her out of liking you.

 

It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You don't value yourself, so why should she value you?

 

Men fall hard at first, but for women they need a bit more time. It grows slowly over the course of weeks or months and when you start pushing the relationship faster than it goes naturally she'll get turned off.

 

Let her lead the relationship. She'll come to you when she's ready. You just need to provide a happy, fun, safe place for her to be.

[smudge21]

smudge..... you should read the book "He's Scared, She's Scared: Hidden Fears that Sabotage Relationships."

 

Describes you to a tee! And many other people, including myself ....although through therapy, I have been able to understand my fears and overcome.

 

Google it, I believe it's available on Amazon.com.

 

That book has become my Bible!

 

 

Yeah I remember you mentioning that before and I think I ordered it - need to check, may have fallen by the wayside due to current situation and that recent talk about anatomy.

[candie13]

I've always been like this and I know it's from childhood. I honestly feel worried and over think the future if someone starts chasing/wanting me and I start to push away - it's like it can be early days and I'm thinking about my life with this person and talking myself out of it. Swap that around to someone I'm chasing/wanting and it's all about the moment and the more they move away, the more interest I show.

 

 

I've noticed it happening and tried to avoid the traps, but more recently fell again. Everything seemed perfect, both single, both got along so well, but looking back I know up until the point where something happened, we were both just friends who weren't looking for anything. Then things changed but sadly she still really didn't want anything more - did that make me walk away, no sir. I saddled up and took that journey despite the fact it was clear where this was heading. I guess maybe part of me thought that this time, over all the others, I could change things and it would be different - and here I am back on LS again, so that went well.

 

 

As much as I know it's a choice I'm making (although the choices are being affected from deep within) I do honestly feel that I seem to initially attract or get interest from unavailable females for the most part. I do know they are always very keen and do most of the running in the early stages, to get me interested. It's only once I am showing interest, taking the lead, that they back off... but sadly I often don't. I don't know what the answer is - I'd generally just focused on me for the past few years and not wanted to get involved again (until this latest one came along). I know that's not the right way to live, but I have tried many things in the past to sort this out. I guess all you can do really is keep trying.

So basically, You see there's a problem. You acknowledge that you don't know how to solve it, so it keeps repeating. And the only answer you have is to try harder ? When You already did your best and it didn't work?

 

How about changing something, in order to get different results? I mean if you always do the things you've done, you'll always get the things you've gotten, right ? And you wanna get smth else, better, different ... ?

[Satu]

(Somewhere in the deeper mind of people who unconsciously seek out the same situations, is a script that underlies the behaviour. Here is one such. It doesn't necessarily apply here, but it's interesting as an example of the kind of loops that people can get stuck in.)

 

 

 

I don’t feel good

 

therefore I am bad

 

therefore no one loves me.

 

 

 

I feel good

 

therefore I am good

 

therefore everyone loves me.

 

 

 

I am good

 

You do not love me

 

therefore you are bad. So I do not love you.

 

 

 

I am good

 

You love me

 

therefore you are good. So I love you.

 

 

 

I am bad

 

You love me

 

therefore you are bad.

 

 

- RD Laing, Knots.

[katiegrl]

 

I am bad

 

You love me

 

therefore you are bad.

 

[/i]

 

- RD Laing, Knots.

 

The flip side of that is:

 

You are bad

 

I love you

 

therefore I am bad

----

 

Both are the the mantras of commitment phobes or active-avoidant personality types.

 

Healthy response would be:

 

I am good

 

You love me

 

You are good

 

I love you.

Edited March 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[Jabron1]

[Satu]

 

Healthy response would be:

 

I am good

 

You love me

 

You are good

 

I love you.

 

 

Exactly. Anything other than that can't be made to work.

[ktragers]

I feel like you should probably start being more sensitive about potential red flags and learn to set aside the initial attraction or chemistry for a while. A lot of times we recognize things that don't bold well with us, but we choose to ignore them because we like the other person so much and believe those issues will somehow magically work themselves out.

 

A friend of mine was in a similar situation where he was in love with this girl who's all about polyamory and was also an active member in the BDSM community. My friend is a sweet, down to earth, traditional, sensitive, emotional guy that he'd never even heard of polyamory as a thing that did exist. He thought once you become boyfriend and girlfriend it should be a monogamous deal automatically. That girl understood his position and said she loved him too but that he had to accept the fact the she's going to have multiple lovers while having him as the "main" one. He was extremely bothered by it but still went with it for a few months until he finally could deal with it anymore. It took him FOREVER to get over her. He knew all along that they were too different philosophically that it would never last, but that attraction and spark kept him in it and he was miserable.