He told his wife he ended our affair. He lied to her again

[Pili-Pala]

Wow Hummingbird! I thought for a minute there I was reading a post I had written!! I can't believe how similar our situations sound so far and we sound almost in the exact same place! . It's funny how when your hear someone else's situation you can see the wood so clearly... But when it's yours...well.. there's all those trees in the way...

 

Have you read the thread I started a few days ago? There are some brilliant posts in there that have really been helping me a great deal. Really good insights and support. Lots to reflect on.

 

I absolutely think you and I have to go NC except for work issues and we need to do it from NOW and KEEP IT UP. We cannot waiver.

 

 

I also contacted some therapists today. I have finally realised how much this A has been controlling my life and I am taking back control.

 

For once I can say that I *can* just about imagine what you are going through! I'm so sorry for your hurt.

[Satu]

These MM are so similar, thats its sometimes like they're all operating from the same script.

 

Is there a school somewhere where they all go to learn their trade?

 

To be honest, I think that they are all essentially failed men.

 

Not fit to be with anyone.

[heartwhole]

I'm new here too. I hope it's OK to post in this forum as am a BW, but I have read the rules about support and I think that is what I am offering. I can completely understand your confusion about his wife because I've felt the same about the OW. But almost a year out, I have come to realize that thinking about her and wondering about her is irrelevant. The fact is, my husband is the one who chose to have an extra-marital relationship. It doesn't matter what her motivations or morals were. But of course, I was naturally curious about her, the only other person my husband has ever slept with.

 

My husband didn't tell me the truth at first either. He was afraid I would leave. He knows I wouldn't tolerate indecision on his part. He admitted to an emotional affair, but it just didn't add up. So I kept digging. After a couple of weeks, the day before our first marriage counseling session, I discovered that it had been a PA (though she lives in a different country so it was only once). It was only after the first couple of weeks when he was trying to keep her as an option and hide the true nature of their relationship that we could actually begin to maybe work on our marriage. And what that really means is working on ourselves. It will similarly take you some time to see things more clearly.

 

In those early days he really was conflicted about his feelings for her. I know that his feelings at that time were real. But I also know that he now views them as fantasy, an escape from his regular life. First he blamed me -- wasn't it my fault that I wasn't attentive enough? Nope, buddy, it's not. Then he went through a period of being angry at her and feeling like she seduced him with her sweetness (that's a direct quote). Sure, it'd be nice and easy to blame the person he's left behind in all of this, but I didn't stand for that either. The fault is his, and his alone. She thought she was going to get a happily ever after. And since he clearly, in retrospect, had no intention of giving her that, then he did her great harm by allowing her to fall in love with him. She could have spent that time investing in a relationship with a real future.

 

Things are so confusing in the early days. Of course he's still lying to her. Liars gotta lie, right? It's frustrating, but it's to be expected.

 

You've dodged a bullet. I don't view myself as having won some great prize in being the one the cheater chose. Far from it. But I recognize that the cheating was a symptom of issues that he had regardless -- selfishness, conflict-avoidance, compartmentalization, need for instant gratification, entitlement, etc. So now the question is, can he change, truly, can he grow up? And that is a tall order. Old habits die hard. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Etc. etc. For reasons that I won't get into now, I do have hope that we can beat the odds. But the odds are not great when infidelity is involved for either relationship. Only about 1/3 marriages survive infidelity, from what I've read (though people who stay in marriages where there's been infidelity may be underreporting it out of shame and embarrassment, or because the cheater is never found out). Of those, many are unhappy marriages where nothing changes. The odds are even worse for relationships that begin as affairs. From what I've read, less than 5% lead to marriages, and there is a 75% divorce rate. And for the ones that don't divorce, again, how many are happy?

 

All this is to say, much better to start with a partner who is not demonstrating such ridiculous selfishness, conflict-avoidance, and duplicity. The chances of that partner turning out to be a suitable life partner are slim, at best.

 

If I am wrong to post in this forum, I am very sorry. I just wanted to reach out since you seemed to be wondering about why the wife is doing what she's doing. She's probably still in shock and denial, to be honest. I thought I was going to have a heart attack the night I found out, and that was when I thought it was "just" an EA.

 

Best of luck to you as you navigate all the emotions involved. It's a grief process complicated by the fact that you weren't a couple out in the open, the fact that women are demonized more than men when it comes to affairs, and the fact that you work together. It's a lot. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

[Pili-Pala]

I'm new here too. I hope it's OK to post in this forum as am a BW, but I have read the rules about support and I think that is what I am offering.

 

Welcome Heartwhole and thank you for posting. And thank you for not being judgemental. You have to have hope and optimism. Some good has to come from this pain and I wish you well and hope your marriage can find happiness again.

[solonely9]

What a brave and noble post, heartwhole. Your words and attitude are admirable. I'm ashamed of this, but I never thought of his wife during the affair and, especially, after the end of it. I was so consumed by my own pain that I forgot about all other people involved and their feelings. I don't know his wife and my opinion of her was based solely on his words, mainly complaints about the lack of attention, appreciation, affection, etc. In one of my posts, I mentioned that I saw some of her texts to him and they didn't not at all seemed cold and distant, on the contrary, she would always tell him how much she loved him. When I asked him about it, he said that, yes, she tells him that, but she doesn't show it in her actions. I didn't believe him, but I never thought about it ever again either. Thank you again for this post.

[Midwestmissy]

My wh told me the most attractive thing about the ow was that she believed his lies, never questioned him, thought he was who he claimed to be., never judged. It made keeping her close by very easy, no part of his story was ever vetted. I'm sorry you're hurting, but he's with his wife because he wants to be. She can't take the kids, she can't even kick him out of the marital home. He's right where he wants to be, wherever that happens to be at any given moment. He's making every decision from a position of power - he's in control right now and you'll know he's lying because his lips will be moving. And he's trying to play the pity me game - as if he's being chased around by his wife with a rolling pin. Trust me, she more than likely told him he was free to leave and he burst into tears and begged her to let him stay. Waah.

 

Take back your life and maybe have a relationship with someone that isn't based on deceit and lies. (I say maybe because being in a relationship is not a measure of success, being alone is fine too). You're worth a lot more than being treated as a secret side dish. You truly are worth a lot. A good relationship doesn't hurt like this, it involves 2 people who want to scream their love from every mountain top and be together 24 hrs day. Openly. You're seeing a very curated and groomed version of the idiot he actually is, when you stop believing it, he will be gone.

[ShatteredLady]

I think all too often the single OW & the BS have a lot more in common than they like to believe. We're all women. At some point we're both broken hearted, betrayed, lost, devastated women sobbing alone. Read this forum & the infidelity one & see how we use the same words, express the same devastation...

 

Why do half of us turn into sex hating, neglectful & cruel harpies just because we have a ring on our finger?

Why do others turn into manipulative, knickerless vultures who pray on helpless loving husbands & fathers?

 

Women are strange!! Or are we?

 

 

You've been given some great advise. Please, PLEASE go NC. At the moment his W is in shock, she's spinning. Soon she will reach anger. She will be watching him like a hawk. False reconciliation is even more painful than infidelity.

 

Don't believe the rubbish he's spouted about her prioritizing her lifestyle, reputation & cash. She's broken & if she looks for help on forums she's going to be told to EXPOSE to EVERYONE!! Think about your career, your future.

 

I also believe it's easier to recover if we have more control. Take the power. She might not be able to handle it. She might dump him. Do you want him?

She might stick it out. He will dump you. That hit will make things so much harder for you.

 

Take care of YOU. Best wishes.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think all too often the single OW & the BS have a lot more in common than they like to believe. We're all women. At some point we're both broken hearted, betrayed, lost, devastated women sobbing alone. Read this forum & the infidelity one & see how we use the same words, express the same devastation...

 

Why do half of us turn into sex hating, neglectful & cruel harpies just because we have a ring on our finger?

Why do others turn into manipulative, knickerless vultures who pray on helpless loving husbands & fathers?

 

Women are strange!! Or are we?

 

 

You've been given some great advise. Please, PLEASE go NC. At the moment his W is in shock, she's spinning. Soon she will reach anger. She will be watching him like a hawk. False reconciliation is even more painful than infidelity.

 

Don't believe the rubbish he's spouted about her prioritizing her lifestyle, reputation & cash. She's broken & if she looks for help on forums she's going to be told to EXPOSE to EVERYONE!! Think about your career, your future.

 

I also believe it's easier to recover if we have more control. Take the power. She might not be able to handle it. She might dump him. Do you want him?

She might stick it out. He will dump you. That hit will make things so much harder for you.

 

Take care of YOU. Best wishes.

 

I'm in a unique position as both a BS and an OW. I post a lot about xMM but not much from the BS position, probably because I feel like I am no better. But I'll add my 2 cents. I thought my H was really wrong to get a single OW 15 years younger than him mixed up in our mess. He told her he loved her but she never would say it back and it drove him crazy. The day I found out he left his phone out on purpose so I would see the texts and pictures. I offered to drive him to her house but he said he had no intention of ever leaving me, he had just wanted to see what it was like to flirt with someone and got stuck in his own web. He then could not break free and lied to me a lot, I would easily catch him as these guys, they are not good at this stuff. They leave trails. He made her CD mixes, took a photo shoot of her, he did all this stuff except what she wanted - leave me. In the end as I broke it off with xMM because he was a cake-eater, OW broke it off with H as he was also a cake eater. H still reaches out to her from time to time so if you are wondering, these guys truly are able to compartmentalize. But make no mistake, they have zero intention of leaving the nest. So yes, I "won" just like my xMM's W "won".

 

You know who really won? If you are single, you won because you can go out and find a single guy and just put all this behind you. Your xMM, he's stuck in his web.

[Ms. Faust]

I think most MM are douchebags, but I do believe some things should be taken into consideration.

Secondly, he should be the one to leave the job. I should not have to make any more sacrifices for this man and I won't leave a good career where I am (fortunately) still respected.

 

Let me understand this correctly: Your position is for the MM, who has children to support, should be the one to leave his job? As someone who was your superior, I can understand where you are coming from, but at the same time it leads me to wonder:

Have you considered his children at all, before, during, or after this affair? I am going to assume that you have considered them as much as he has, which sounds like it has been within a very limited capacity.

 

His wife said she will never inform our workplace because he makes too much money and she doesn't want to lose that.

 

Can you blame her? Once again... children to support....

 

 

He is a wonderful father and shares the bulk of the duties for the children. She won't want to lose that.

 

They are not "duties", it's being a parent. He absolutely should partake in the child rearing, and I do not blame her that she would not want to lose that... I wouldn't want to lose that, either.

 

 

 

She clearly is in denial or doesn't care that he cheated.

You have your head in the sand over some key things, too.

 

How could she so quickly forgive him?

Sounds like you are right there with her. You glossed over the fact that your red flags were going off saying he did this before.

 

And I know he is miserable at home. Why else would still be after me...

You know nothing.

He even said this week he wants me to meet his mother.

That's a lowlife manuever.

 

I need someone to smack me in the head with some wisdom so I can stop being his soft spot to land.... Am I the worlds biggest idiot? Has he been lying to me too? I truly believed he loved me. Please help!

 

 

Look... what do you want from this relationship? Seriously what do YOU want, and be honest. Do you want to be with him in the end? Do you want him to see you as real relationship material, outside of the affair? Do you want a serious forever with him...If the answer is YES (in any way) then my next questions are:

 

Are you willing to be a step mom?

Are you willing to possibly have to financially assist him and/or his children?

Are you willing to do drop offs/ pick ups, or accompany him to drop offs/ pick ups, giving up every other weekend (possibly even more) to make way for quality time with his children?

Are you willing to develop a relationship with children who are not your own?

Are you willing to go through a divorce (possibly acrimonious) with him?

Are you prepared for the childrens' opinions of you to be (possibly) highly influenced by their mother?

Are you prepared for the kids possibly not liking you?

Are you prepared to not be first in the relationship?

 

 

 

If the answer is at all anything like "well, I just want to see where a relationship would take us..." you need to stop right there. Because there are children involved, and their world should not be shattered for something that is as flippant as "well, let's just see where this goes..."

Edited March 7, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[ShatteredLady]

MidnightBlue. You're so right, "You know who really won? If you are single, you won because you can go out and find a single guy and just put all this behind you."

 

I feel like a complete & utter looser today! I'm sorry. Having a can't breath, how did I become 'this' woman day today. I need to stop posting. I'm sorry.

[Josmatjes]

MidnightBlue. You're so right, "You know who really won? If you are single, you won because you can go out and find a single guy and just put all this behind you."

 

I feel like a complete & utter looser today! I'm sorry. Having a can't breath, how did I become 'this' woman day today. I need to stop posting. I'm sorry.

 

Your not a loser! You just need time to find yourself and neutralize your feelings! Stay strong:)

[MidnightBlue1980]

MidnightBlue. You're so right, "You know who really won? If you are single, you won because you can go out and find a single guy and just put all this behind you."

 

I feel like a complete & utter looser today! I'm sorry. Having a can't breath, how did I become 'this' woman day today. I need to stop posting. I'm sorry.

 

NO. You need to KEEP posting. Every time you want to text or email him, post here. It's a safe place, think of it as your AA. You are an addict and he is cocaine. If you had a friend addicted to cocaine, what would you say? It's no different. These things make you want to die, same as any other drug. You are going to go through serious withdrawal and you will need support. It will be horrific. But you will survive. I promise you. Because I did! I seriously thought about taking those dishwasher tablets, the ones I'm afraid my kids would eat because they look and smell like candy. I know they kill instantly. I wanted to d-i-e after xMM cut off. The pain was unbelievable. But I am here 10 weeks out to tell you - it is an ILLUSION. Its withdrawal.

 

And I wasn't able to go NC as I also had to see him, same as you. It was horrible. I cried every night. But then something happened. Without me really being aware, 5 minutes would go by and I'd think, I didn't think of him. Then 10, then an hour, then - I'd smile. It is a roller coaster. I wanted to quit and not see him but like you, I stood to lose a lot that I had worked so hard to gain. My H encouraged me to stick it out and I did. Now, I'm glad I did not run. He said he wasn't leaving and I said, neither am I. I'm not going to say it's easy, but it gets better. I swear.

 

But you have to not do any physical stuff and try to not listen to his crap. 10 weeks out and I just got the I love you text this weekend. These guys, they don't go away. Mine stayed as well, his wife called my H, they were going to work it out. It's none of my business. I've got my own life to lead now. And so do you.

[Josmatjes]

There is a site called asksuzie.com that has helped me tremendously! There are many articles but one I particular is how to end an affair permanently...cause they always try to come back! I downloaded a audio titled " dismantling an emotional affair" it's twelve steps to help you. It's really great and I recommend it and I wish I'd known about it a year ago. It opened my eyes to how much toxicity the affair and it's aftermath brought into my life! Please look into it....((hugs))

[SSJROMANCE]

I have a bridge in Florida I'd like to sell you - 90% off today only!!!

 

You have been played by a player who is married. Sorry. I'd hit you over the head if I knew it would help - no actually I wouldn't but you need something to wake you up to this horrible nightmare. How nice is it for him to have a wife at home to fulfill his needs and any needs left unfulfilled here you are off to the side to fulfill them for him. What a wonderful deal. And to make this work? All he needs to do is sell you a story about how unhappy he is and how one day he is going to leave his wife.

 

The problem with this is 9 out of 10 times it's all a lie. He has cheated on his wife and has used you. If you think he will leave everything he has to come marry you think again. And IF that small chance he does are you going to trust a man who was cheating on his wife? Stop all contact. Tell his wife whats going on and gain back some dignity. It's not too late.

[heartwhole]

What a brave and noble post, heartwhole. Your words and attitude are admirable. I'm ashamed of this, but I never thought of his wife during the affair and, especially, after the end of it. I was so consumed by my own pain that I forgot about all other people involved and their feelings. I don't know his wife and my opinion of her was based solely on his words, mainly complaints about the lack of attention, appreciation, affection, etc. In one of my posts, I mentioned that I saw some of her texts to him and they didn't not at all seemed cold and distant, on the contrary, she would always tell him how much she loved him. When I asked him about it, he said that, yes, she tells him that, but she doesn't show it in her actions. I didn't believe him, but I never thought about it ever again either. Thank you again for this post.

 

It's therapeutic for me too. I think healing from this whole experience means seeing the situation in color, not in black and white. It frustrates me that I have had to endure so much pain because the OW thought a slim chance at a future with my husband was worth it all. But it's not her fault. You don't tell a man who has proper boundaries that you are falling for him, and if you do, he responds appropriately and shuts it down. It's not her responsibility to uphold the sanctity of my marriage.

 

I think there's a lot of shaming that women do to each other to encourage herd respect for marriage. But who wants a man who is only faithful because other women avoid him? Mainly I wonder, honestly, why she would want a man whom she knew was a liar and a cheater from the outset. I think that required some mental gymnastics. I only found out mine was a liar and a cheater after 17 years. And believe me, I feel like I got sold a bill of goods on that matter. But now I see that the affair was just a symptom of his dysfunction and immaturity, not the cause of it. I didn't see how much the power dynamic of my marriage was out of whack. All I can do is learn from the past and move on. That's all anyone can do.

 

My WH says that he never spoke ill about me to the OW, which I believe (he seemed to think this was some point of honor), but I know he told her he was unhappy. To which I immediately pointed out, of course, that he should have told ME he was unhappy. He didn't. I have a health condition that I developed when pregnant that limits my functioning and has impacted our lives a lot, and there's stress from kids, etc. Our life was definitely more stressful than it had been in the past and it was harder to connect, but I certainly wasn't unhappy, nor did I think he was (and yes, we had sex just as often). I'm not a conflict avoider so when I notice something, like when I noticed that he wasn't putting his arm around me or sitting near me at a friend's party like he usually would (while in the height of the affair, I now know in retrospect), I simply said, hey, I noticed this and it bothered me, could you do it please? And he did. But he never did the same with the things that bothered him. Sigh. Big thing for us to work on now. For HIM to work on now.

 

Back to the OP's original question, I think most wives do give their husbands a chance. That doesn't mean that they forgive them right away or even know if they'll be able to forgive them eventually. It just means they are open to giving the cheater a chance to earn back their trust. Betrayed husbands are more likely to walk away immediately, I think. If we didn't have kids, I think there's at least a 50/50 chance I would have walked away immediately. But we brought them into the world together, and as far as I knew we always had a good marriage and were well-matched, and I felt like I needed to give it a chance. It's been a huge journey for me as well. I was so used to supporting him and seeing the world through his eyes that I accepted the ridiculousness of him complaining to ME about how hard it was to lose the OW. He would complain that I was stuck in the past (this was at like two months out) and he just wanted to focus on the future. We have had to peel back all that dysfunction layer by layer.

 

Now, almost a year out, he understands that this will be a looooooooong process. When he makes things all about him, I push back. I no longer feel guilty that my health has made us miss out on so much and try to compensate by giving any extra time or energy to him. I no longer buy that he is this put-upon martyr who doesn't get to do the things he wants. That's called being an adult. I no longer accept that he is this amazing, stellar father just because he shows up and is a parent. I don't know why I accepted that. NOW I see. He didn't cheat in a vacuum. He cheated because of character flaws that I tolerated or ignored. I will no longer do that.

 

If I had kicked him out, or he had chosen OW and left me, I highly doubt he would have worked on any of this. She would have been so elated that she got her "happily ever after" that she probably wouldn't have complained. She's from a poorer part of the world and her clock is ticking. That would have gone a long way in putting up with some selfishness and conflict-avoidance, I bet. But one day, eventually, she would have woken up to the reality of his character. Just like I did.

 

Some betrayed wives surely hang on out of desperation and cling to their husbands, begging them to stay. But not all. At least I got that part right. As soon as I found out it was a PA, I said, "Well you know what? You should just go be with her. Because you seem well matched in selfishness and weakness. And I don't know if you can ever be a man who deserves me again." And I meant it. I had spent two weeks listening to his justifications and complaints and I had been willing to work on the marriage as long as he was coming clean about everything. Well, he wasn't. I charged up his old phone, read his emails, and learned it was a PA. That's when he came out of the "fog." He started saying, "Wow! I thought I would miss the OW more but I don't!" Well, yes, dude, it was always about how she made YOU feel. What a revelation that your feelings for someone you have known for only a few months and interacted with in person for only a couple of days have turned out not to be lasting. And that's the epiphany that he had on our first DD when I was asking why this "stranger" was Skyping him. He tried to lie/deflect/change the subject but I wouldn't give up, and finally he said, "You know, this is crazy. I don't even know her that well." And yet, a month before he had been thinking about leaving me for her. And yet, for the next 5 days he kept posting things she would know were a message to hang on for a few days, until I figured that out and he truly went NC.

 

Your married man is no prize. Maybe their marriage will be one of the few that gets stronger and better from this. Maybe it will stay the same. Maybe it will get worse. What matters is protecting yourself from further hurt. I won't go into what terrible choices you've made or shame you about not thinking more about his family. I don't think that's helpful when someone is in shock and distress. You can think about all of that later. I would simply say to be kind to yourself right now. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from further hurt. Look into counseling if you're not already in it (another silver lining here is that I'm finding my biweekly therapy very helpful in all aspects of my life, not just affair recovery). Reach out to friends. Hopefully you have friends who weren't overly supportive of a dysfunctional relationship with a married man but who won't be overly judgmental now that it's over ("I told you so"s are not helpful at a time like this). Hopefully someone who knows the real you can help you process this and move on to bigger and better things.

[S2B]

He's been lying to both of you so he gets all of what he wants. That makes him a total jerk.

[Sassy Girl]

I think most MM are douchebags, but I do believe some things should be taken into consideration.

 

 

Let me understand this correctly: Your position is for the MM, who has children to support, should be the one to leave his job? As someone who was your superior, I can understand where you are coming from, but at the same time it leads me to wonder:

Have you considered his children at all, before, during, or after this affair? I am going to assume that you have considered them as much as he has, which sounds like it has been within a very limited capacity.

 

 

 

Can you blame her? Once again... children to support....

 

 

 

 

They are not "duties", it's being a parent. He absolutely should partake in the child rearing, and I do not blame her that she would not want to lose that... I wouldn't want to lose that, either.

 

 

 

 

You have your head in the sand over some key things, too.

 

 

Sounds like you are right there with her. You glossed over the fact that your red flags were going off saying he did this before.

 

 

You know nothing.

 

That's a lowlife manuever.

 

 

 

 

Look... what do you want from this relationship? Seriously what do YOU want, and be honest. Do you want to be with him in the end? Do you want him to see you as real relationship material, outside of the affair? Do you want a serious forever with him...If the answer is YES (in any way) then my next questions are:

 

Are you willing to be a step mom?

Are you willing to possibly have to financially assist him and/or his children?

Are you willing to do drop offs/ pick ups, or accompany him to drop offs/ pick ups, giving up every other weekend (possibly even more) to make way for quality time with his children?

Are you willing to develop a relationship with children who are not your own?

Are you willing to go through a divorce (possibly acrimonious) with him?

Are you prepared for the childrens' opinions of you to be (possibly) highly influenced by their mother?

Are you prepared for the kids possibly not liking you?

Are you prepared to not be first in the relationship?

 

 

 

If the answer is at all anything like "well, I just want to see where a relationship would take us..." you need to stop right there. Because there are children involved, and their world should not be shattered for something that is as flippant as "well, let's just see where this goes..."

 

This needs to be stickied... Up the top... Neon lights...

 

For any single ow who thinks it's that easy

[Popsicle]

I'm in a unique position as both a BS and an OW. I post a lot about xMM but not much from the BS position, probably because I feel like I am no better. But I'll add my 2 cents. I thought my H was really wrong to get a single OW 15 years younger than him mixed up in our mess. He told her he loved her but she never would say it back and it drove him crazy. The day I found out he left his phone out on purpose so I would see the texts and pictures. I offered to drive him to her house but he said he had no intention of ever leaving me, he had just wanted to see what it was like to flirt with someone and got stuck in his own web. He then could not break free and lied to me a lot, I would easily catch him as these guys, they are not good at this stuff. They leave trails. He made her CD mixes, took a photo shoot of her, he did all this stuff except what she wanted - leave me. In the end as I broke it off with xMM because he was a cake-eater, OW broke it off with H as he was also a cake eater. H still reaches out to her from time to time so if you are wondering, these guys truly are able to compartmentalize. But make no mistake, they have zero intention of leaving the nest. So yes, I "won" just like my xMM's W "won".

 

You know who really won? If you are single, you won because you can go out and find a single guy and just put all this behind you. Your xMM, he's stuck in his web.

 

Yep, you nailed it, it's just a fun fantasy for them, nothing more.

[Popsicle]

Your married man is no prize. Maybe their marriage will be one of the few that gets stronger and better from this. Maybe it will stay the same. Maybe it will get worse. What matters is protecting yourself from further hurt. I won't go into what terrible choices you've made or shame you about not thinking more about his family. I don't think that's helpful when someone is in shock and distress. You can think about all of that later. I would simply say to be kind to yourself right now. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from further hurt. Look into counseling if you're not already in it (another silver lining here is that I'm finding my biweekly therapy very helpful in all aspects of my life, not just affair recovery). Reach out to friends. Hopefully you have friends who weren't overly supportive of a dysfunctional relationship with a married man but who won't be overly judgmental now that it's over ("I told you so"s are not helpful at a time like this). Hopefully someone who knows the real you can help you process this and move on to bigger and better things.

 

Exactly. Thank you!

[Hummingbird29]

It is so beneficial to have the perspectives of different people involved in these types of relationships. I thank all of you for your responses and I appreciate it more than you know.

[sandylee1]

 

Are you willing to be a step mom?

Are you willing to possibly have to financially assist him and/or his children?

Are you willing to do drop offs/ pick ups, or accompany him to drop offs/ pick ups, giving up every other weekend (possibly even more) to make way for quality time with his children?

Are you willing to develop a relationship with children who are not your own?

Are you willing to go through a divorce (possibly acrimonious) with him?

Are you prepared for the childrens' opinions of you to be (possibly) highly influenced by their mother?

Are you prepared for the kids possibly not liking you?

Are you prepared to not be first in the relationship?

 

 

 

If the answer is at all anything like "well, I just want to see where a relationship would take us..." you need to stop right there. Because there are children involved, and their world should not be shattered for something that is as flippant as "well, let's just see where this goes..."

 

This is fantastic ^^^^^^^ and I doubt any OW really think about this at all.

 

When you have an affair just STOP to think of the children. YOU are part of turning their world upside down.

 

The fallout of you and their father having this affair is very far reaching. I'm quite sure no OW here would hurt an innocent child.... but by having an affair with a MM you're doing just that. The impact and consequences are not just the two of you.

 

I so wish women would not tolerate being a mistress...then if the MM still want sex outside they can pay for it. Just don't be anyone's escape.

[Bufo]

I don't know you or him of course. But I have a degree of insight into the methods of he cheating male. First please understand that from his point of view he had a great thing going until his wife discovered the A probably after her long existing suspicions had existed. So his response to her would be to minimize as a denial was no longer possible. Now that the heat has been turned down a little he feels safe enough to contact you.&&

 

Second, it isn't wise to confuse his current level of contact with undying love. Rather please understand that the type of man who needs the affection and favors from two women can't easily change his behavior. It is much easier to keep what one has than to groom your successor OW. They aren't uncommon but they usually don't announce their availability to prowling MM. Recall how long probably took the two of you to enter into a full blown affair. Didn't he have to catch your interest and romance you awhile? To start with another takes a lot of work.

 

Third, while there are exceptions, the AP in most MM affairs could

be anybody. All his words of undying affection must be understood as use of his seduction skills. While it is possible he has genuine love for you, I wouldn't bet on it.

 

I have worked with more than a few serial cheaters--womanizers-- who when discussing extramarital relationships show their true colors. To hear the level

Of disrespect for the AP is at best disturbing and at worst disgusting.

 

Not all men are like this. But I very much suspect you AP is more like the ones I've worked with.

 

The point is that you should continue to detach. This is your golden opportunity to escape from the A. While painful now you avoid being his Plan B should his wife toss him to the curb.

[cocorico]

 

 

Let me understand this correctly: Your position is for the MM, who has children to support, should be the one to leave his job? As someone who was your superior, I can understand where you are coming from, but at the same time it leads me to wonder:

Have you considered his children at all, before, during, or after this affair? I am going to assume that you have considered them as much as he has, which sounds like it has been within a very limited capacity.

 

Sorry, but that is absolutely not Hummingbird's problem - it's his! As their parent *he* should have thought of that, not her. Just as he should have considered his BW, his reputational damage seducing a direct line report, his career. It is not her duty to look out for him and his responsibilities, it's his. He is not looking out for her, so why should she put herself aside and prioritise him? That makes everyone looking out for him, and no one for her? Bollocks to that!

 

Sorry Hummingbird, ignore the attempts to try to make this all your problem, look after yourself here. In fact, I'd go further, and speak to your HR people and let them know about the A, and about him hassling you at work. Have him transferred elsewhere, or have him cautioned to leave you alone if that's not possible. You are only responsible for your side of this, not for his - and as your (former) manager, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

[cocorico]

This is fantastic ^^^^^^^ and I doubt any OW really think about this at all.

 

Actually, if you read these boards, you'll see that *many* OW (spurred on by their MMs) fantasise about exactly these things. He MM sees his life continuing as before, simply erasing the inconvenient BW and replacing her with the OW, and encourages the OW to share those fantasies. It's part of "future faking" which some MM do.

[elaine567]

Actually, if you read these boards, you'll see that *many* OW (spurred on by their MMs) fantasise about exactly these things. He MM sees his life continuing as before, simply erasing the inconvenient BW and replacing her with the OW, and encourages the OW to share those fantasies. It's part of "future faking" which some MM do.

 

I agree, I think some see themselves as a better version of the wife, so they will be a wonderful step mum, they will be loved by the kids, they will be the best mother ever to them, better than the miserable excuse they have for a biological mother anyway.