He told his wife he ended our affair. He lied to her again

[Hummingbird29]

Hello. I am new to this forum and desperately need some guidance. I have been involved with a married man for over a year. We work together. He is married with 2 children. He has told me he loves me, he will leave her for me, everything I wanted to hear. We talk constantly and are very much in love. Last week his wife found by looking through his credit card statements. Found evidence he could no longer deny. She knows my name and who I am and that we work together. Of course, he did what I thought he would never do. Went running to her, apologizing, and downplaying our relationship. He has not told her how long it has been going on, or that we have sex all the time, and that he has professed his love for me for months and months. She did not kick him out, he is still sleeping in their bed, and they are going to counseling to sort it out. She told him to cut off all contact with me. He said he did. Problem is, he has texted, called and taken me to lunch all week. Showed up at my house in tears. Begging me to wait a little longer but says he is afraid she will take his kids if he tells her the truth. He had the golden opportunity to leave. But he stayed with her. I need someone to smack me in the head with some wisdom so I can stop being his soft spot to land. She clearly is in denial or doesn't care that he cheated. How could she so quickly forgive him? And I know he is miserable at home. Why else would still be after me? He even said this week he wants me to meet his mother. Am I the worlds biggest idiot? Has he been lying to me too? I truly believed he loved me. Please help!

[whichwayisup]

Yes he has lied to you just like he's lied to his wife.

 

How can she forgive him? Because he's making her believe that he is NOT speaking to you anymore. This is her husband, she has children with him, a lot of years invested in him, they are a family so she is going to work to keep her family intact.

 

What happens in their marriage isn't your problem now, what you can try is, detach yourself from him and start looking for another job. This could very well blow up and ruin your professional reputation if she exposes the A to everybody.

 

He loves himself most, he's selfish.

[CarrieT]

How could she so quickly forgive him?

Because he downplayed the affair and threw you under the bus.

 

Why else would still be after me?

Because you let him. And he is a cake eater.

 

Am I the worlds biggest idiot?

No. Just someone who has been duped by a classic, lying cheater.

 

Has he been lying to me too?

Yes. Yes he has...

 

I truly believed he loved me. Please help!

That's what cheaters do. They get you to believe their lies. Cut the ties and get a new job. Immediately.

[introverted1]

Hummingbird, I recommend that you read through the threads in this forum. The situation you describe is very, very common. Many MM would like to have their cake and eat it, too. Yes, it is quite likely your MM was either deceiving himself or lying to you. After all, if he can lie to his wife and, by extension, betray his children, why would he not be able to lie to you, too?

 

He's had a D-Day and told his wife he cut contact with you. Her position of wanting to see a counselor and potentially mend the marriage is not unreasonable. After all, she has considerably more invested in him than you do, and you are willing to take him back; why wouldn't she be? Remember, just as he's told you he only loves you, cares about her but isn't attracted to or in love with her, bla bla... he has likely told her that you were just a fling, a meaningless physical encounter, etc.

 

Rather than waiting on him to decide what comes next (which is likely more lying, more sneaking around, more D-Days, more tears), why not think about what YOU want? Don't you want a man you can see openly, one who is free to actually love you? Please consider ending the affair and going NC with this guy.

[Josmatjes]

Hello. I am new to this forum and desperately need some guidance. I have been involved with a married man for over a year. We work together. He is married with 2 children. He has told me he loves me, he will leave her for me, everything I wanted to hear. We talk constantly and are very much in love. Last week his wife found by looking through his credit card statements. Found evidence he could no longer deny. She knows my name and who I am and that we work together. Of course, he did what I thought he would never do. Went running to her, apologizing, and downplaying our relationship. He has not told her how long it has been going on, or that we have sex all the time, and that he has professed his love for me for months and months. She did not kick him out, he is still sleeping in their bed, and they are going to counseling to sort it out. She told him to cut off all contact with me. He said he did. Problem is, he has texted, called and taken me to lunch all week. Showed up at my house in tears. Begging me to wait a little longer but says he is afraid she will take his kids if he tells her the truth. He had the golden opportunity to leave. But he stayed with her. I need someone to smack me in the head with some wisdom so I can stop being his soft spot to land. She clearly is in denial or doesn't care that he cheated. How could she so quickly forgive him? And I know he is miserable at home. Why else would still be after me? He even said this week he wants me to meet his mother. Am I the worlds biggest idiot? Has he been lying to me too? I truly believed he loved me. Please help!

 

Your not an idiot at all. Same thing happened to me, even telling his sister about me. As soon as there was a day he folded. He told me over and over to wait for him because he didn't want to lose his kids. Well it's a year and a half past day and he is still there playing happy family man.

Unfortunately they all lie and if he was going to leave for you he wouldn't of waited for a dday he would of had the balls to take control of the situation and get out. I have been in therapy and I'm ok now I still have bad days.

Walk away now!!!! Get out while you can just go no contact and if he really is the one he will file for divorce and come for you. But if you stay w him you are just enabling him staying in his marrage.

The only thing to come out of affairs is heartache but the further you get from it the clearer your head will be. Trust me.

[georgia girl]

Oh goodness, you sound so lost. To answer your questions, no I don't think she's forgiven him yet. In fact, I think he is likely twisting himself into knots and lying through his teeth to convince her to forgive him.

 

And yes, he is lying to you too. Everything he is doing for and to you - the crying, begging and professions of love that convince you to hang on, he is doing the exact same thing to her.

 

He has you both believing you are the only one he wants. The only difference is for her, he denies you are still in the picture and promises to keep the only into her from now on. He is also promising to go to counseling to work on his marriage. What does he say to you? Well, he can't obviously deny he is still there -'though I would have thought he'd lie about sleeping in the same bed - but he tells you he has to stay for now or she will take his kids from him.

 

As hurtful as it may be to hear, please save yourself! This guy and your affair are now headed towards a classic playing out of painful scenarios and none of them turn out well for you. If he ever had any intention of leaving, he wouldn't have lied about you being out of his life. He did. End of story.

 

As much as your heart hurts, kick him to the curb and start looking for a new job. When you heal, promise yourself two things: not to ever get involved with someone who has divided loyalties ever again and to avoid doing anything with anyone from the workplace that could jeopardize your job.

 

Very sorry because I think this comes off as harsh. I can feel how much pain you are in but I genuinely don't see any good resolution for you if he got caught and is staying put. It's the beginning of the end. How painful the end is is the only thing you can control. Cut him out completely and go through the grief just one time. Read on these boards of women who waste years and years doing this over and over again. It's not with it.

[introverted1]

Also wanted to add that this notion that the wife can "take the kids away" is a red herring. Adultery, unless it was committed in view of the children, has virtually no impact on custody/visitation in the US. This is not legal advice, but just my comment on the excuse I read over and over in these threads. Perhaps some MM actually think it's possible their kids will be taken away but, more often, I'm guessing they figure this is a "bullet-proof" excuse that the OW can't/won't argue with.

[elaine567]

If he ever had any intention of leaving, he wouldn't have lied about you being out of his life. He did. End of story.

 

 

In fact if he had any intention of leaving he would have left as soon as he realised he was falling for you.

BUT MM do not tend to leave, they like having two besotted women pandering to them.

He is "da man".

Even now he is trying to keep both plates spinning, telling her he is Soooo sorry, meanwhile still spending his time with you...

If he can just get through this "crisis" and keep you both on track, then normal service can resume soon.

 

My advice.

Cut all contact, grieve, look after yourself well, and never get involved with attached men ever again.

[imsosad]

I know you are in pain right no but take a moment to reflect. You are almost blaming her for believing him. What about you?

You also believed him that he would leave her,even though you knew he is a liar. He has been lying to his wife for a year. She didnt know for a fact he was capable of deceit to this extent,you did.

She believes him for the same reason you do. You both want to. He is telling each of you what you need to hear in order to continue his cake eating.

He is not leaving her. Not now,not ever. If he is a decent guy,once he gets in to counselling,recognizes the extent of pain he caused and come out oc affair fog,he will go no contact on you. If he is a lowlife jerk,he wont care and carry on with your A, but will still not leave her.

Your story is very common. It still hurts,it is still shattering.

You have to be realistic. Read this board. Believe the statistics and other people's experience. Dont rely on being the exception to the rule.

The only thing to do is to put a full stop to this in your mind and have no contact with him-or as little contact as possible,given you work together.

Dont blame his wife. You two have more in common than you think. Look at him and see him clearly.

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I know you are in pain right no but take a moment to reflect. You are almost blaming her for believing him. What about you?

You also believed him that he would leave her,even though you knew he is a liar. He has been lying to his wife for a year. She didnt know for a fact he was capable of deceit to this extent,you did.

She believes him for the same reason you do. You both want to. He is telling each of you what you need to hear in order to continue his cake eating.

He is not leaving her. Not now,not ever. If he is a decent guy,once he gets in to counselling,recognizes the extent of pain he caused and come out oc affair fog,he will go no contact on you. If he is a lowlife jerk,he wont care and carry on with your A, but will still not leave her.

Your story is very common. It still hurts,it is still shattering.

You have to be realistic. Read this board. Believe the statistics and other people's experience. Dont rely on being the exception to the rule.

The only thing to do is to put a full stop to this in your mind and have no contact with him-or as little contact as possible,given you work together.

Dont blame his wife. You two have more in common than you think. Look at him and see him clearly.

Good luck.

 

Be angry at him, be angry at yourself for making the choice to fall in love and have an A with a MM. You knew he was married from the get go, so some of this is on you, you can't put it all on him. Being angry at his wife for wanting to keep her family together is an emotional reaction, not a realistic one. She is a victim in all this but in time could enable his behavior if the A continues and there are multiple ddays.

 

You can't expect her to just to hand him over to you because he had an A, or hope now that she knows the truth she's just going to up and divorce him. Look how easily you let him back into your life after him telling you he's with his wife and not leaving her...

[Hummingbird29]

Thank you for the advice and i am going to read through the other posts as well. As far as leaving my job, I will not do that. For several reasons. One being that I am single and fully support myself and I make a very good living and am up for a big promotion. Secondly, he should be the one to leave the job. I should not have to make any more sacrifices for this man and I won't leave a good career where I am (fortunately) still respected. His wife said she will never inform our workplace because he makes too much money and she doesn't want to lose that. He would get fired, not me, because when this started I reported to him. (I don't anymore). That being said, it does make no contact much more difficult. I see him five days a week. He shows up in the parking lot by my car, asks me to meet him outside, and walks by my office. All of you are right. He won't leave her and if she kicks him out - he will only then be with me because he can't be alone. I know she would never take the kids from him. S

He is a wonderful father and shares the bulk of the duties for the children. She won't want to lose that. I feel his has done this before even though he said I was his first. What shocks my friends is that I am well educated and independent and smart on every facet of my life except relationships. I hope tomorrow at the office I can avoid him and not answer his texts. I asked him

Not to contact me all weekend and he has respected that. The first month I met him he told me he couldn't have Facebook or anything else like it because his wife didn't like that. Which makes me think he has cheated before. But alas I believed him. He met my friends. They all said they believed he loved me from how he was with me. I have turned down dates and invitations from single men for over a year waiting on this guy to 'choose me'. I am just ashamed of being involved in this and causing pain to anyone who is involved. I think I feel more guilty than him. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. This is helping me gain a lot of clarity.

[whichwayisup]

Work on you. You say your choice in relationships haven't been great. Why is your man picker off and why do you feel it's okay to get involved with someone who has a wife and family? You do feel you don't deserve to be with a man who will love you only and be committed to you?

 

If you truly want him out of your life and be in NC mode, then only deal with him on a professional level. No more flirty talks, no talking to him about personal things. Just a hello and that's it. Business like and work related issues when you have to deal with him. Your personal life is NONE of his business.

 

Hopefully you will get promoted and have less contact with him, since he isn't your boss anymore.

[Hummingbird29]

I don't know why I seem to choose bad relationships. We both tried to fight these feelings for six months. Both are guilty. I knew he was married. I never felt good about deceiving her. But I also believed what he told me about her. And I felt sorry for him. He said she didn't care about his life anymore, treated him like an errand boy, never wanted to have sex or show affection, stopped being feminine and became sort of asexual. She told him she preferred being roommates and partners rather than lovers. Of course that's what he told me. The day she called and I was with him, she sure didn't sound like someone who didn't care. She was furious. I was horrified. I have even been cheated on before yet I took part in doing it to someone else. I guess you are right. I don't feel I deserve a good committed man. I'm not looking for sympathy at all. I'm

Not the victim. I just want advice on how to end this and do the right thing. I am not minimizing my blame in this. At all. I just wish I had never fallen for the sob stories. I am sure every last one was a lie.

[Lois_Griffin]

I really hate to say how completely cliché this situation is.

 

All one needs to do is read the most popular infidelity message board out there and you'll see this is what happens all the time when a cheater is caught by his wife.

 

He lies his ass off to his betrayed wife and claims there was no sex, blames the entire affair on his OW, and some even claim the OW was blackmailing them into staying in the affair by threatening to tell his wife if he dared to stop the affair. There's GOT to be a married liar's handbook somewhere out there because they all tell the same ridiculous lies.

Of course, he did what I thought he would never do. Went running to her, apologizing, and downplaying our relationship. He has not told her how long it has been going on, or that we have sex all the time, and that he has professed his love for me for months and months.

Of course he didn't tell her the truth. None of them do. And it's sad to say that most of these foolish BW's actually believe the lies these guys are peddling.

She did not kick him out, he is still sleeping in their bed, and they are going to counseling to sort it out.

Ahh yes, the old therapy 'cure.' They all think therapy is the magic bullet that's miraculously going to make everything right again. Good lord.

She told him to cut off all contact with me. He said he did. Problem is, he has texted, called and taken me to lunch all week. Showed up at my house in tears. Begging me to wait a little longer but says he is afraid she will take his kids if he tells her the truth.

Of course he did. Most of them do exactly that. Send the OW an NC text or email, or they call the OW in front of the wife, telling her how much he loves his wife and what a mistake the OW was and blah blah blah. They swear to their wives that they'll never contact the evil OW EVER again, and the first chance they get away from wifey, they can't contact the OW fast enough.

 

These guys are just so damned predictable.

He had the golden opportunity to leave. But he stayed with her. I need someone to smack me in the head with some wisdom so I can stop being his soft spot to land.

He was never leaving. That was never REALLY an option. That was just a whole lot of pillow talk. Most cheaters future fake with their affair partners. They paint this rosy future picture that sure sounds wonderful - but it never actually happens.

 

She clearly is in denial or doesn't care that he cheated. How could she so quickly forgive him?

The guy is a first class liar. She actually believed his bullcrap about how he could barely stand you and that you were the biggest mistake of his life and how you never had sex but just 'kissed,' and he probably also claimed you were a stalker who pursued him and he was just the innocent lamb led to slaughter. A lot of them like to paint themselves as hapless victims who somehow lost their way from the loving bosom of their wives and these women fall for it.

 

And I know he is miserable at home. Why else would still be after me? He even said this week he wants me to meet his mother. Am I the worlds biggest idiot? Has he been lying to me too? I truly believed he loved me. Please help!

Affairs by their very nature are the epitome of selfishness and he's a living, breathing example of that. He's STILL thinking only of himself and what he stands to gain - even after all the devastation he's caused everyone concerned. That alone should be your biggest clue about what a POS he is.

 

This is a selfish ass who goes home and tells his wife how glad he is she gave him a second chance and how he never wants to lose his family - and then the first chance he gets, he asks you to meet his mother and claims he's still unhappy.

 

You know where his loyalties lie. When it came time to SHOW you where his loyalties TRULY lied, he showed you.

 

Why won't you believe him?

[BuddyX]

He's a coward and a P***y. I don't care if I get a warning from LS moderator. But that's who he is.

You're single, gainfully employed. The world is yours. Don't settle for a married man.

 

I'm quoting someone else here from another thread (please take credit) in regards to staying with the wife.

 

"They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?"

[Hummingbird29]

You are right. About it all. Man he sure is good at it!!!! I never asked him to leave, never brought it up. He started it from our first week. Said I love you before we even kissed. That alone should have been a red flag for me. I have flipped on and off from being mad at him to feeling sorry for him living in a loveless marriage. I am stopping that today. He is choosing to be there. People get divorced all the time. He would have left before he got caught if he loved me. I have spoiled him and stroked his ego long enough. If I remain in this I have no one to blame but myself.

[Satu]

snip

 

*He had the golden opportunity to leave. But he stayed with her. I need someone to smack me in the head with some wisdom so I can stop being his soft spot to land. She clearly is in denial or doesn't care that he cheated. How could she so quickly forgive him? And *I know he is miserable at home. Why else would still be after me? He even said this week he wants me to meet his mother. Am I the worlds biggest idiot? Has he been lying to me too? I truly believed he loved me. Please help!

 

I sympathise with your pain, but...

 

 

Here's a snip from my journal:

 

 

"What the other woman believes."

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.

 

 

He is where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

You are on the outside looking in.

 

He is somebody else's husband.

 

There's nothing there for you.

 

 

This is the reality.

 

The lovely fantasy has been exploded.

 

Please concentrate solely on your own wellbeing.

 

Do not try to recreate the fantasy.

 

 

Take care.

[whichwayisup]

You are right. About it all. Man he sure is good at it!!!! I never asked him to leave, never brought it up. He started it from our first week. Said I love you before we even kissed. That alone should have been a red flag for me. I have flipped on and off from being mad at him to feeling sorry for him living in a loveless marriage. I am stopping that today. He is choosing to be there. People get divorced all the time. He would have left before he got caught if he loved me. I have spoiled him and stroked his ego long enough. If I remain in this I have no one to blame but myself.

 

Good for you for seeing this! In time you'll like him less and less as a person and let the anger push you to get over him.

 

He is a great actor/manipulator! A selfish man.

 

Yup, people who are truly miserable and have a bad marriage divorce all the time. He wasn't ever looking to leave but to have someone (you) on the side so he could still stay married and have fun on the side. ALL on the expense of his wife and children.

 

DO stay strong and cut him out of your life. He doesn't deserve to have you in his at all. NC.

[Satu]

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

*In the work setting, nothing more than what work, and basic civility, demands.

[BuddyX]

After parting ways with my ExW I put a quote on my cell phone to remind me anytime I had an urge to contact her. And the quote was... "3 billion women out there, just in case the B*tch thinks she's irreplaceable"

 

I know that's harsh. But breakups arent rainbows and lollipops.

 

Focus on you.

[SoleMate]

If you want to keep your job, I suggest you talk to an employment lawyer about your right, and the steps you should take to strengthen your position. It's very common that the workplace OW is retaliated against and I don't want you to be caught unawares.

[sandylee1]

Any man with a spine would leave a marriage where he was so miserable instead of cheating. If you have a job where you don't like your coworkers or your boss.. you don't continue to whinge and whine... you look for another job.

 

What you have and what he's shown ...is that even if he's not happy ...his response is to cheat. If he has an open honest relationship with you .... why do you think he'd behave any differently if the going got tough?

 

The thing about meeting his mom really got me too... what decent self respecting family want to meet their son's mistress? That's a mother in law supporting the affair.. how do you think you'd feel if your future MIL did this. That leans towards low morals throughthe whole family. This would be a betrayal to her daughter in law.

 

My brother was unhappy in his marriage.. but my mother would never ever even think of entertaining him having brought any woman to meet her.

 

He likes the extra sex. .. he likes how easy the affair is..he likes how you are his escape....and that's about the size of it.

 

He's not the only one to blame .... if you examine what you want out of this...the result of him leaving his wife is his children not seeing him every day and you wanting his wife left as a single parent. Your happiness comes at the price of another woman's sadness. It's tough to hear I know.

[solonely9]

Oh, wow, hummingbird29! You're right. Our stories are indeed so similar. Is... he... the same guy? I am joking, of course, but it is just so ridiculous how identical our experiences are - the I love yous so soon after the beginning, the begging and the crying, the cold wife at home (oh, we are just partners in raising our kids), the scare that she will take the kids away from him, the suggestions to wait for him, etc. Even more, my xMM was also descovered through his credit cards, ran right away to counseling, and kept on contacting me after the D-Day. I hate cliches, but I am one, obviously. I too thought we are "different," but the truth is that my affair, and yours (and I'm sorry for that), are textbook cases.

 

You're right. If he really wanted to be with you, he would have left long before D-Day. I was beyond bewildered by his reaction after everything was revealed. I too thought that this was his "golden chance" and was really surprised by his wife's willingness to forgive him. However, try not to worry about what is going on with them. You have no control over it. Focus on yourself and getting out of this mess.

 

You sound like an intelligent and strong woman. Don't let other people make decisions for you. In my case, my xMM was telling something like that, if his wife keeps him, he will stay with her, and if she doesn't, then, maybe, he will consider me. Well, pretty humiliating, isn't it? Cutting him off from your life is the only thing you have control over. You're in a different situation here, you work together, but I think that you can still manage to minimize contact with him. Also, I wouldn't leave my job either.

 

As our experiences are so similar, I think I know what is going to happen from now on. He will still want to stay in touch with you. He might even suggest to be friends. However, if you let him do that, you will give up all your power to him. Don't do this. Don't sit around, waiting and anticipating. I have been there and it was really painful, as my xMM kept on changing his mind constantly. As the very wise people here said already, he showed you which his priorities are. Cut him off and save yourself from the agony of watching him getting colder and meaner to you.

 

Also, keep on coming back to this forum. It has helped me a lot.

[solonely9]

Also, consider reading some of jenkins95's posts. His insight on what the MMs go through after the D-Day has helped me a lot. Furthermore, soon you will start realizing the wife's pain as well. I'm there right now. Just keep on reading here and, I promise you, you will start letting go little by little.

[Pili-Pala]

Wow Hummingbird! I thought for a minute there I was reading a post I had written!! I can't believe how similar our situations sound so far and we sound almost in the exact same place! . It's funny how when your hear someone else's situation you can see the wood so clearly... But when it's yours...well.. there's all those trees in the way...

 

Have you read the thread I started a few days ago? There are some brilliant posts in there that have really been helping me a great deal. Really good insights and support. Lots to reflect on.

 

I absolutely think you and I have to go NC except for work issues and we need to do it from NOW and KEEP IT UP. We cannot waiver.

 

 

I also contacted some therapists today. I have finally realised how much this A has been controlling my life and I am taking back control.

 

For once I can say that I *can* just about imagine what you are going through! I'm so sorry for your hurt.