NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[solonely9]

Thank you for the kind words, Babsinhealig. I know what you're going through. I hope that all of us here will soon be able to feel better. I kind of understand what he is going through as well, keeping up with his responsibilities, dealing with the crisis at home, trying to make it work with his wife, finding his balance again... I know that he has just so much energy and that he is directing it to the right place, to his home, to his kids, and to the person he truly wants to be with, his wife. However, I can't help but feeling as if I was nothing to him. I know that, probably, that's not the case, but seeing him moving on has been hard.

 

Thank you for the wise perspective, lovetoohard. I do realize that only time and staying in NC will help me. However, I'm still in the beginning and my mind is a mess. It constantly goes back and forth between the good times we had and the last few weeks, when everything turned so ugly. Also, I am looking forward to the day when this will eventually be just a well-learned lesson from the past, but, for now, the negative emotions dominate my brain. And yes, I need to focus on myself, as I've been spending all my energy on him.

 

Thank you again.

[Babsinhealing]

Think of it this way... He has no choice but to move on. Just like us. We can't live in the past and I know (boy do I know) how easy it is to daydream and remember the wonderful moments. We never had one bad moment together - every single time was fun, electric, relaxing. We saw each other 1-2 times a week. We had such a peace with each other- laughter and "inside jokes" were abundant. So I have plenty to remember and way to many to grieve but life goes on and I'm learning that it's my job to make my life happy. I need to stay in the present and feel hopeful for the future. However, I do allow myself to grieve and feel every emotion. If I want to cry, I cry. If I want to scream, I scream (as long as I can without the risk of ending up in a mental ward). The only way thru grief is thru it so accept that everything your feeling is normal and everyone experiemces it sometime in their life. For us, it's now so let's stick together and grieve together!

[solonely9]

Wow, Babsinhealing. Your post made me sad. I miss so much what we had. Every time we saw each other, every bit of communication, was perfect. However, as you said, our only option is to move on. I am allowing myself to grieve, but it has been so hard, because he is still out there, so a part of my stupid brain is telling me that there is still hope. I'm starting to get really tired of this constant fight in my head.

[Babsinhealing]

Wow, Babsinhealing. Your post made me sad. I miss so much what we had. Every time we saw each other, every bit of communication, was perfect. However, as you said, our only option is to move on. I am allowing myself to grieve, but it has been so hard, because he is still out there, so a part of my stupid brain is telling me that there is still hope. I'm starting to get really tired of this constant fight in my head.

Solonely, I've read so much about the healing journey because I want to do it "right"... I can't curl up in a corner and pine for him the rest of my life- what kind of life would that be. And I also struggle with "hope" because I know he was very unhappy in his marriage, I know I made him happy, I know how strong our connection was and there is a part of me that tells me one day he will try to come back in my life. HOWEVER, I can't control what he does- I can only control what I do and for me I need to let go of hope- I tell myself everyday that he's gone, there is no hope, he's died (not sure if that's healthy but it helps). I try to focus on the present only - and when I do look forward I try to keep him out of it as an option. This is truly the only way I can see myself moving forward. Not easy but I don't have a choice.

[Josmatjes]

BaBs and solonely,

 

I don't know either one of you but I can save you both at least a little grief. My DDay was a year and a half ago. The 19 months before that with my mm were the happiest I think I've ever been. We connected and laughed and loved and it was an amazing relationship. When it ended the devastation floored us both. We were still trying to hold on the past year but the longer you try the more of the good memories get erased and that's when the push pull starts and the disappearing for days and the waiting for the texts. It's truly heartbreaking and lonely. I wish when it had ended that we both would of just let it go. Because I feel I would of been over this by now. I don't believe my mm lied to me during our affair but I do think that he does now, for whatever his reasons are. I still love him and miss him and I know in his heart he misses me also but I can't live a normal life with him in it and I just needed to walk away...

 

I feel both of your pain and when I read your posts it's like I wrote them. I hope you both do NC and stick with it. It is the only way even though truthfully this is the third time I'm doing it....I broke it once he broke it twice...

[solonely9]

You're absolutely right, Babsinhealing. We can't control what they're doing and we can't spend our lives waiting for them to come back either. The only thing we have power over is to move on. That's why, the decision to go into NC came from me. At first, xMM didn't want to do it, but I told him that this was all I could control and he agreed. Before that, my life had become an overwhelming series of constant ups and downs. Every day, he would change his mind depending on how his wife treated him, what his counselor said, what their therapist suggested, etc. It was an exhausting, never-ending anticipation.

 

We are doing the right thing, that's for sure, but damn is it hard...

[solonely9]

Josmatjes, thank you for the comforting words. I will listen to you and stay in NC, because I just know it, I just know it in my heart that breaking it will lead to prolonging the agony only. Wish you the best.

[Babsinhealing]

Hi Solonely and josmatjes- sorry for my delay- I'm traveling for work this week and it's not easy to check in. It does help keep me busy though and I've actually had a few good days after my sad Saturday. I created a new "woman you are strong" playlist and that helps when I start the negative self talk. I sooo appreciate your support and find it comforting knowing that what I'm feeling is completely normal as you both have expressed the same struggles. I'm 10 days NC- still so early still but proud I've stuck to it. I like having some power back. Hope you are both well!

[solonely9]

Hope you're having a great week, Babsinhealing. Stay strong!

[Babsinhealing]

Strong is my only choice right now! I hope you are hanging in there!

[MidnightBlue1980]

BaBs and solonely,

 

I feel both of your pain and when I read your posts it's like I wrote them. I hope you both do NC and stick with it. It is the only way even though truthfully this is the third time I'm doing it....I broke it once he broke it twice...

 

You are totally right. I'm 3 months out and if I had only just kept NC from day one I'd be a lot further day. Well, tomorrow is a new day. Let's do it together.

[Babsinhealing]

I agree- why do this alone. We all know how each other feels to some degree and it really stinks trying to do this alone. To share with you a few things I've been doing and I feel like it's actually working: make a playlist for exercise or in the car that won't trigger you. Go see a therapist if you can or at least talk to someone you can trust- It helps to get it out of your brain. Try not to have self- negative talk- please encourage and comfort yourself- hug yourself sometimes and tell yourself you are wonderful. Journal your feelings. Cry when you feel like crying- don't hold it in. Stop questioning yourself "why?" because you don't know the answer and will torment yourself. Stay busy- I find that boredom intensifies my thoughts. Smile - even if you don't feel like it. It tricks your mind into feeling happy.

 

Im at the early stages of healing but I can honestly say I'm trying. I have days where I get incredibly sad but I remind myself that this is temporary and I will be happy again. Maybe some of these things will help you!

[Ophelia25]

Thanks for this - so far, I've just returned and returned to him, knowing that things won't change, knowing that he will be back and forth, up and down, hot and cold. The highs I get from the moments he wants me seem to overrule the lows from when he drops me again. But each time he does, it's a little harder, it hurts a little more. I am so annoyed and ashamed of myself for being so weak.

 

Maybe this time he won't be back, or he'll wait long enough that I'll be strong enough to say no. But, this hasn't happened for the last 8 years - when will it get bad enough for me to make a change instead of just waiting around for him? What can I do in my own mind to have a little control over the situation?

[Babsinhealing]

Thanks for this - so far, I've just returned and returned to him, knowing that things won't change, knowing that he will be back and forth, up and down, hot and cold. The highs I get from the moments he wants me seem to overrule the lows from when he drops me again. But each time he does, it's a little harder, it hurts a little more. I am so annoyed and ashamed of myself for being so weak.

 

Maybe this time he won't be back, or he'll wait long enough that I'll be strong enough to say no. But, this hasn't happened for the last 8 years - when will it get bad enough for me to make a change instead of just waiting around for him? What can I do in my own mind to have a little control over the situation?

You just need to tell your mind ENOUGH. It's not easy- it's actually one of the hardest things I've ever done- those moments you get are sooo wonderful but the emotional distress I felt in between those moments started to really put me deeper and deeper into depression and agony. I wanted to feel inner peace again. I craved it. I was so sick of waiting, wondering, pining. I hated who I became and missed the old me- the simple me that found happiness in helping others, nature, beautiful music. My world felt dark and I just knew I needed to make a change for ME. I miss my xMM terribly but I missed me more.

[stillafool]

Sorry that happened to you. I am sure he will be back.

 

Something must be in the air, all of these threads talking about breakups in just one day...

 

Yes, it's called Spring and this is when people break up and seek new partners. Never fails as it seems there's always more break ups this time of year.

[solonely9]

Hi, everybody. I have some news.

 

 

Yesterday morning, I woke up very sad, so I broke NC. I called him and I invited him for coffee. He agreed right away and told me that this zero communication thing had been really hard on him as well and that he had thought of contacting me too, but had decided to respect my wishes.

 

 

Overall, I do not feel like I am back to square one. It was a very strange meeting though. It was both like old times and like something completely new. We talked about the same things as before, we joked, and we laughed. To be honest, it was very nice seeing him, as I really missed our friendship. Also, I went to this meeting with zero expectations of rekindling the affair. This one week of NC and this forum really helped me to realize a lot of truths and to distance myself from him.

 

 

As I said above already though, it was a weird meeting as well. I was looking at him and I couldn't stop wondering what happened between us. I was also thinking that, if it wasn't for DD, we would be sitting at the coffee place, holding hands and kissing. I admit. I did want to touch him on a few occasions, but, honestly, not sexually. I just miss how close we were. I don't know about him though. I couldn't read him very well. He is either a great actor or he has really moved on. There was definitely something distant in his eyes and in his tone though. Also, he was very excited about his job and is planning to go live in another city. Yes, overall, he looked more than done with the affair.

 

 

Again, honestly, I don't feel shattered by seeing him moving on. However though, there was some sadness to it all, but I don't know how to describe it exactly. Personally, I am not sad. I am pretty okay, actually, but, I guess, I am sad about the people we used to be only a month ago, about those two fools, running around, loving each other like crazy, dreaming. I am sad about them, because they were living in a fantasy, lying to themselves, thinking that nothing can affect them, and that they will be together forever.

 

 

I don't know. It was a strange, strange day.

[Babsinhealing]

Solonely- maybe this is the closure you needed. I know when I had mine, although sad, I walked away thankful it ended amicably. I never wanted us to end angry or disgusted with each other because it would have tainted all the good memories (and every single moment we had was good up until DD). I know it's hard to compare now with the past but keep in mind... All relationships end. Whether by death or parting ways, so if you are going to end it- why not end it in peace. What are your plans now?

[solonely9]

Hey, Babsinhealing.

 

I don't know about my plans from now on, but they definitely do not include him. As I said, I really miss our friendship, but I might have to let go of it as well. He was very respectful with me today and the time we spent resembled a lot what we used to have, but, still, there was something missing. That was sad, too.

 

I'm going to mention something here that I didn't write in my first post, because many people on this forum have advised me not to assume how his life is or how happy he is. However, I just need to let it out. Today, a big part of our conversation was about all the changes he is going to do in his life. I don't know, if I was hearing him right, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself, not me. I would have believed him more, if he had just said that he was unhappy in his marriage, but that he was staying in it for other important reasons. Anyway. It doesn't matter anymore, but I wish I could lie to myself with the same conviction.

 

We will see. Rejection hurts. His distance today hurt. Losing someone so close is painful. As you said though, all relationships end. Also, I've myself broken one or two hearts, so, not that I've not been there before, but, I guess, it is my turn again to go through it. Hugs.

[Babsinhealing]

Solonely- I'm sure he's trying to convince himself- he obviously has to make some big changes to prevent another A and those changes may not be easy. He may or may not know what he needs to do and I'm sure it's confusing for him. Even though it seems like it at times, people don't change overnight. He has no choice to be distant with you... What is the alternative? I think many MM need to be able to say they "tried" (my xMM included)- they don't want to seem like a total failure and it's tough on their ego. Even if he fails or his marriage fails in the future- he can walk away saying" well, I tried!"

 

Rejection does hurt. But I keep reminding myself that it wasn't true rejection- (it is but it makes me feel better lol). My A would still be going strong if we didn't get caught. He never rejected me once prior and there were no signs of slowing down- so what may seem like rejection is really just a "detour".

[solonely9]

Oh, wow, Babsinhealing. You nailed it about the failure. After DD, he told me that he needed to try at least, because he wouldn't be able to live with a divorce caused by him. I asked him then: "What if she leaves you?," to which he replied that that would be okay with him, because it wouldn't be his fault, and because he would know he had done everything possible. Ugh! Man up, dude! If you're really unhappy in your marriage, don't lead on your wife. Don't pretend that you will be working on your relationship with her, when all you wait for is for her to leave you, so you can come out clean of all of this. And, on the other hand, if you really, really, really are decided on fixing your marriage, don't accept invitations from your XOW. Just tell her that you are dedicated to saving your family and that you don't want her to contact you anymore. Ugh again! Why are men like this? Poor things. They never know what they want and they are always "confused." XMM here seems totally incapable of making his own decisions. If his wife keeps him, he will stay. If she kicks him out, that's okay, too. If I ask him out, he will come. If I don't talk to him anymore, he won't either.

 

And yes, absolutely the same here in regards to rejection. No signs of ending, just a DD.

 

I honestly think that most MM are cowards and I'm not saying this, because he didn't choose me, but because of the whole "wake-up call" bs. With some exceptions, of course, I don't believe that MM suddenly realize how much they love their wives and how important their family is. Dude, you were not thinking of them at all, when you were running around with me. Your only real regret is getting caught, not hurting your spouse.

 

I'm sorry. I'm a little upset.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi, everybody. I have some news.

 

 

Yesterday morning, I woke up very sad, so I broke NC. I called him and I invited him for coffee. He agreed right away and told me that this zero communication thing had been really hard on him as well and that he had thought of contacting me too, but had decided to respect my wishes.

 

 

Overall, I do not feel like I am back to square one. It was a very strange meeting though. It was both like old times and like something completely new. We talked about the same things as before, we joked, and we laughed. To be honest, it was very nice seeing him, as I really missed our friendship. Also, I went to this meeting with zero expectations of rekindling the affair. This one week of NC and this forum really helped me to realize a lot of truths and to distance myself from him.

 

 

As I said above already though, it was a weird meeting as well. I was looking at him and I couldn't stop wondering what happened between us. I was also thinking that, if it wasn't for DD, we would be sitting at the coffee place, holding hands and kissing. I admit. I did want to touch him on a few occasions, but, honestly, not sexually. I just miss how close we were. I don't know about him though. I couldn't read him very well. He is either a great actor or he has really moved on. There was definitely something distant in his eyes and in his tone though. Also, he was very excited about his job and is planning to go live in another city. Yes, overall, he looked more than done with the affair.

 

 

Again, honestly, I don't feel shattered by seeing him moving on. However though, there was some sadness to it all, but I don't know how to describe it exactly. Personally, I am not sad. I am pretty okay, actually, but, I guess, I am sad about the people we used to be only a month ago, about those two fools, running around, loving each other like crazy, dreaming. I am sad about them, because they were living in a fantasy, lying to themselves, thinking that nothing can affect them, and that they will be together forever.

 

 

I don't know. It was a strange, strange day.

 

I been in this place and I always end up worse than before. Every single time I have contact I feel badly. I am going to tattoo it on my arm. NC

 

Hugs. We are here for you.

[Babsinhealing]

Solonely- I think this is what keeps me up at night... The fact that I know how unhappy my xMM was in his marriage and that he really has no plans to put in the hard work it takes to "fix" his marriage- it's a fake reconciliation. To me a man that is truly remorseful or guilty shows it in his actions- he tells his wife about the A BEFORE DD, he promptly ends the A after DD and tells the AP that he cannot not see her anymore-that he loves his wife and goes NC, he goes into IC/MC with and w/o his wife to determine underlying issues, he does not take the A underground after DD. That to me is someone willing to "fix" his marriage. My xMM didn't do any of that. I truly think he wants it to "look" like he's trying, he would prefer if she ended it and was very concerned about disrupting his 14yr old daughters last year's at home in high school. So, while we are NC and I am really working hard to move forward, I have to live with all these thoughts - it would be so much easier on me if I knew he was truly fixing his marriage- so frustrating!!

[jenkins95]

Hi solonely

 

Great to see that you have been posting so much since your first posts. It really looks like your presence here has been a support to you and that you have learned a lot about affairs in general as well as your own. LS had that effect on me too and continues to do so. It is great to see that, although you are still clearly sad, confused and a little lost in life, there appears to be definite light at the end of your particular tunnel - it comes out in your posts. You seemed so destroyed in your first posts, but the last few have shown signs of positivity, acceptance and clarity, although of course you are just at the beginning of the journey to recovery. I have absolutely no doubt that you will be a different person soon and will be able to put it all behind you. By Christmas, you could be almost a "normal" person again - wouldn't that be great?! Come and celebrate at our Christmas party (see Grey Cloud's thread!).

 

Just a few observations from recent posts: -

 

Oh, wow, Babsinhealing. You nailed it about the failure. After DD, he told me that he needed to try at least, because he wouldn't be able to live with a divorce caused by him. I asked him then: "What if she leaves you?," to which he replied that that would be okay with him, because it wouldn't be his fault, and because he would know he had done everything possible. Ugh! Man up, dude!......I honestly think that most MM are cowards and I'm not saying this, because he didn't choose me, but because of the whole "wake-up call" bs. With some exceptions, of course, I don't believe that MM suddenly realize how much they love their wives and how important their family is. Dude, you were not thinking of them at all, when you were running around with me. Your only real regret is getting caught, not hurting your spouse.

 

solonely, as the MM, there's not much I can disagree with Babs and you about in this! This sums most of us MMs up pretty well! As I've said elsewhere, MMs tend to have their heads in the clouds during the A and are not really thinking about the future - just enjoying that bubble. On D-day we are totally unprepared, implode and breakdown - we don't know what to do! We are scared and just want all the shouting to stop and the pain to go away. In all the confusion and the complete mess that our heads are in, we often just fall back on what we "should" do, what a lot of the Internet is telling us we should do.....and that is to end the affair and try to save the marriage (if the W has not already ended it herself), to at least give it a try and then if it didn't work, well - at least we tried! The only certainty we often have post D-day having seen the awful pain in our W's eyes (always more than we anticipated) is that if we just walk away now, she will be destroyed along with the family. Don't we owe it to everyone to at least try to to save it?. Heroes, aren't we?

 

I been in this place and I always end up worse than before. Every single time I have contact I feel badly. I am going to tattoo it on my arm. NC

 

Hugs. We are here for you.

 

Yes, me too Midnight. Breaks in NC cost me and my OW a lot of heartache and pain and put us back in our recovery. But this particular meeting of solonely's appears different from the heart-breaking, desperate, weak, soul-destroying get-togethers that my OW and I had in breaking NC. It seems that it was held respectfully, with no expectations of things starting up again and boundaries were respected. Kindness, care and concern was shown from each and both parties seemed to really enjoy seeing each other again and genuinely want the best for each other, despite both being still hurt and confused. Is this an accurate reflection solonely? This meeting will hopefully be very cathartic for solonely. It would certainly appear that way from her post. And ultimately, his moving to another city can only be a good thing all round, although I know that that is difficult to see right no solonely and must upset you.

 

Solonely- I think this is what keeps me up at night... The fact that I know how unhappy my xMM was in his marriage and that he really has no plans to put in the hard work it takes to "fix" his marriage- it's a fake reconciliation. To me a man that is truly remorseful or guilty shows it in his actions- he tells his wife about the A BEFORE DD, he promptly ends the A after DD and tells the AP that he cannot not see her anymore-that he loves his wife and goes NC, he goes into IC/MC with and w/o his wife to determine underlying issues, he does not take the A underground after DD. That to me is someone willing to "fix" his marriage. My xMM didn't do any of that. I truly think he wants it to "look" like he's trying, he would prefer if she ended it and was very concerned about disrupting his 14yr old daughters last year's at home in high school. So, while we are NC and I am really working hard to move forward, I have to live with all these thoughts - it would be so much easier on me if I knew he was truly fixing his marriage- so frustrating!!

 

Yes, fair call Babs. Some MM are just cowards. Even if they know their marriage can never work and that both he and the W would be better off apart, still they can't do it. They fear the backlash by family, friends, society, etc and also fear that no one including their kids will ever forgive them. They don't want to be shamed. They don't want to see their family crying and begging them to stay. They are too weak and may even hide behind practicalities in their mind - how much is a D going to cost? How would we split the house? etc. Sometimes it is a relief to this type of MM if the W eventually kicks them out. It does happen like that sometimes! Lots of MM are just big kids who will take the path of least resistance.

Edited March 16, 2016 by jenkins95

[Babsinhealing]

Jenkins95- I'm glad to know I can see it as it is and I'm not imagining it. I guess the WS "returns" for their own reasons and many make the decision that their own "happiness" is not important enough. But it's a tough pill to swallow for those of us that get left in the dust even when they know their AP is not doing it for the right reasons and will be miserable once the dust settles. I know my xMM was happy with me and I know we could have been happy together. I also know under different circumstances we would be together as a couple. However, he returned to "fix" things post DD and it's sad for me to know he will silently live in a miserable existence instead of stepping up and telling his wife the marriage is over and he no longer loves her. I want him to be happy and I would feel much better if I knew he was.

[Ophelia25]

Jenkins95- I'm glad to know I can see it as it is and I'm not imagining it. I guess the WS "returns" for their own reasons and many make the decision that their own "happiness" is not important enough. But it's a tough pill to swallow for those of us that get left in the dust even when they know their AP is not doing it for the right reasons and will be miserable once the dust settles. I know my xMM was happy with me and I know we could have been happy together. I also know under different circumstances we would be together as a couple. However, he returned to "fix" things post DD and it's sad for me to know he will silently live in a miserable existence instead of stepping up and telling his wife the marriage is over and he no longer loves her. I want him to be happy and I would feel much better if I knew he was.

 

YES - me too! If he were to tell me, I need to fix my marriage because I love her and want to be happy again, I would die for awhile, but know he was doing the right thing for the right reasons. Instead, he says things like, "There's no right answer," "It sucks no matter what," "Whatever we choose it all falls apart," "Sometimes I want us to just run off but the aftermath would be too awful", "I have no great plans, I don't know what to try." All these indecisive things that just leave me filled with doubt and confusion about if he wants to do what's right or just what helps his guilty conscience at any given moment. His wife knows about me, so it's not like there's the threat of a DD, though she has no idea the extent of our relationship (she'd be an idiot not to suspect, though). He has said he's unhappy with her many times, though less recently. I know she is angry and full of resentment, but loves him and just wants to hold their family together at any cost. And he recognizes that staying with her and pretending is way easier than destroying everything. He's right, I know.

 

If I could know he's doing what he's doing for the right reasons, I feel like I could maybe live with it. But knowing he's a big fat faker trying to cover everything over and just exist in an unhappy life because it's easier for him that way...well, it just sucks.