NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[solonely9]

Horrible day today. I have not been able to stop crying and I don't know what to do with myself. XMM sounded like he is making so much progress, while I am going backwards. He is in therapy and follows his counselor's instructions strictly - getting busy, meeting friends, starting a hobby, etc. I also can't believe he is considering moving to another city. I keep on imagining what they are talking about, probably, during his sessions - that I am a mistake, that everything we had was a fantasy and so on. XMM is very diligent and rational, so I just know how well this is working for him. I just know that he is going to do everything he is told to do. I, on the other hand, am sinking further into depression. I have always been way more emotional that logical. My heart always takes the lead. So, here I am, falling into million pieces every second. Today, I ended up contacting a therapist as well, although, I almost 100% sure that this will not work for me. Damn. I don't even know what will.

[mudbloodgirl14]

Horrible day today. I have not been able to stop crying and I don't know what to do with myself. XMM sounded like he is making so much progress, while I am going backwards. He is in therapy and follows his counselor's instructions strictly - getting busy, meeting friends, starting a hobby, etc. I also can't believe he is considering moving to another city. I keep on imagining what they are talking about, probably, during his sessions - that I am a mistake, that everything we had was a fantasy and so on. XMM is very diligent and rational, so I just know how well this is working for him. I just know that he is going to do everything he is told to do. I, on the other hand, am sinking further into depression. I have always been way more emotional that logical. My heart always takes the lead. So, here I am, falling into million pieces every second. Today, I ended up contacting a therapist as well, although, I almost 100% sure that this will not work for me. Damn. I don't even know what will.

 

I really feel sorry for the pain you are in now. I feel the same way during the first week of NC with my ex and it was really VERY HARD to accept that while you're mourning for the loss of your relationship with him, he's there in his comfort zone seems like no problem at all like you even felt that you never existed in his life. I really don't understand these kind of men. My only advice is just embrace the pain and keep NC with him. It is easier said than done I know, but just like you, me and others who have the same situation like you, our ex just left us NO CHOICE. Stay strong.

[ladydesigner]

I have been in love many times. My love has grown and matured over several decades and many relationships. Love makes me happy and very rational. Where I become irrational is when I believe love means I MUST do something, or obligates me to act in certain ways or do certain things for the one I love. What makes me irrational in love is when I believe that I MUST have a person, MUST BE WITH a person, no matter what.

 

To me, true love is accepting that person for who they REALLY are, not demanding that they live their life the way I see fit, and being willing to let that person go when the relationship does not work for both people. Love is wanting that person to realize and become all that he or she can be, regardless of whether or not they do so with me in their life.

 

I love this post!

[ladydesigner]

It shouldn't. It just shows how much it all meant to him. So make sure it means just as little to you, because he is not worth your love and your tears.

My xMM replaced me with a hobby as well which honestly made me laugh. After all the "I love you's" and passion and drama...that's all it took him, really?

 

Cheer up. Your wound has been reopened, but at least now you know where you stand and can start moving forward. After the last hope dies, there comes freedom.

 

Truer words couldn't be spoken.

[13Hearts]

I agree, 13Hearts. Amazing posts.

 

Thank you, solonely ❤❤ I hope you are feeling a little better today.

[13Hearts]

Horrible day today. I have not been able to stop crying and I don't know what to do with myself. XMM sounded like he is making so much progress, while I am going backwards. He is in therapy and follows his counselor's instructions strictly - getting busy, meeting friends, starting a hobby, etc. I also can't believe he is considering moving to another city. I keep on imagining what they are talking about, probably, during his sessions - that I am a mistake, that everything we had was a fantasy and so on. XMM is very diligent and rational, so I just know how well this is working for him. I just know that he is going to do everything he is told to do. I, on the other hand, am sinking further into depression. I have always been way more emotional that logical. My heart always takes the lead. So, here I am, falling into million pieces every second. Today, I ended up contacting a therapist as well, although, I almost 100% sure that this will not work for me. Damn. I don't even know what will.

 

I have a lot of experience with what you are describing and would like to see if I can offer some advice to you so that you can begin to feel better more quickly.

 

First, can you tell me how old you are? (You can PM me or give a range of years if you don't feel comfortable posting). Also, what are your thoughts like? Are they fast, slow, doom and gloom, black & white thinking, and what are the thoughts saying to you?

[solonely9]

Thank you so much, 13Hearts. I really have no one to turn to, except the forum here.

 

 

I am 35. I don't know how to describe my thoughts exactly, but I will try. All day, I have been thinking that, that's it, I lost him. I will never see him or talk to him again. I will never feel the way I felt with him. Even now, when I am writing this, I am starting to cry. I keep on seeing him everywhere. Today, I had to go on a long drive. So many cars and people, but I felt as the world is empty, totally empty. I felt so alone. At one point, I started thinking that nothing has meaning anymore. It is really bad.

[13Hearts]

Thank you so much, 13Hearts. I really have no one to turn to, except the forum here.

 

I am 35. I don't know how to describe my thoughts exactly, but I will try. All day, I have been thinking that, that's it, I lost him. I will never see him or talk to him again. I will never feel the way I felt with him. Even now, when I am writing this, I am starting to cry. I keep on seeing him everywhere. Today, I had to go on a long drive. So many cars and people, but I felt as the world is empty, totally empty. I felt so alone. At one point, I started thinking that nothing has meaning anymore. It is really bad.

 

35?!? Solonely, hon, you are in the best decade of your life!! This business with this MM is a waste and a total distraction from what is most important at 35: YOU, in all of your beauty! Because at 35, women are at their peak. This is your time to shine, your time to show the world what you are truly made of!! And every word I am saying is the absolute truth! But you, Solonely, for some reason, are not focused on you. You are focused on him. MM. So let me ask you a few questions. When you see someone cry, does it make you cry? When you see someone being bullied or taken advantage of, do you feel you want to protect them? Do you feel you want to help people less fortunate than you?

[solonely9]

Thank you for the beautiful words, 13Hearts.

 

You're right. I'm not focused on myself at all. I've been a total mess the last few weeks. I know that I have to pick myself up. Every night I go to sleep, I tell to myself that I will do better the next day, but, the moment I wake up, my mind starts torturing me again.

 

And yes, I'm very sensitive. Other people's suffering affects me.

 

Thank you again.

[13Hearts]

Thank you for the beautiful words, 13Hearts.

 

You're right. I'm not focused on myself at all. I've been a total mess the last few weeks. I know that I have to pick myself up. Every night I go to sleep, I tell to myself that I will do better the next day, but, the moment I wake up, my mind starts torturing me again.

 

And yes, I'm very sensitive. Other people's suffering affects me.

 

Thank you again.

I knew it the moment I read your original post. You're an empath. Go back and read your first post. The idea of living happily ever after with this clown wasn't even your idea. It hadn't even entered your mind. HE was the one who decided this was what he wanted. And you went along with it, didn't you? You, SoLonely, assumed HIS wants, HIS desires, HIS needs, and HIS goals as your own. I bet he's emotionally immature. And when an Empath meets up with an emotionally immature person, what do they do? They try to solve their problems for them, especially by becoming enmeshed, taking the other person's problems on as their own.

 

What you need to do is back up. Rewind the tape all the way back to the beginning of this story. And start digging for what it was that YOU, SoLonely, wanted from this affair at the outset. What were YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR needs, and YOUR goals? Solely yours, not his, not some you shared, not what you discussed and agreed on. Solely yours.

[solonely9]

You're right , 13Hearts. I never wanted him to leave his family for me. I never thought of marrying him. He is the one who started suggesting a possible life together. From the beginning, I was telling him that this would come to an end one day and that there was no point in lying to ourselves. However, he was so stubborn, so convincing. As I said in my original post, no man has ever pursued me like him. He was also so caring, so attentive. Definitely something I am missing a lot in my marriage. At the end, I fell for all this. I have always anticipated the end of the affair, but he was promising me that we would be together forever. Actually, what hurt the most after D-Day was not that he did not leave his wife, but how much he changed towards me. I was not this amazing woman anymore, but an emotional, unstable, and unmoral mess. It was so painful hearing this, how unworthy I am of him.

 

 

Wow, 13Hearts. Thank you for reminding me this. You're great.

[13Hearts]

You're right , 13Hearts. I never wanted him to leave his family for me. I never thought of marrying him. He is the one who started suggesting a possible life together. From the beginning, I was telling him that this would come to an end one day and that there was no point in lying to ourselves. However, he was so stubborn, so convincing. As I said in my original post, no man has ever pursued me like him. He was also so caring, so attentive. Definitely something I am missing a lot in my marriage. At the end, I fell for all this. I have always anticipated the end of the affair, but he was promising me that we would be together forever. Actually, what hurt the most after D-Day was not that he did not leave his wife, but how much he changed towards me. I was not this amazing woman anymore, but an emotional, unstable, and unmoral mess. It was so painful hearing this, how unworthy I am of him.

 

 

Wow, 13Hearts. Thank you for reminding me this. You're great.

 

What did you want, Solonely? Do you remember? Not what did you not want, but what did you want from this relationship? Not what you grew to like or love about him or the way he treated you. What did you want to get out of being with this guy?

 

Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, before you even have a chance to think of him or anything else, think about what YOU wanted.

 

Also, I want to point out to you something I see you doing, which you can change to make yourself feel better. Notice you were saying earlier how you thought you will never see him or talk to him again. You have a tendency toward Black and White thinking. You think in extremes. Catch yourself when you think in terms of "Always" and "Never." That is B&W thinking. Each time youncatch yourself thinking that way, back up, and change the words. Nothing happens always, and nothing happens never. Focus just on TODAY. Not forever. When you wake up in the morning, think "Just for today" or "Just for this morning" or "For the next hour" ... I will be No Contact. Don't think in terms of forever because that is too much to handle right now.

 

❤❤

[solonely9]

Thank you for everything, 13Hearts. Really. Thank you. Great questions. Great way of thinking.

 

I think that what I wanted from this relationship was for it to distract me from other things in my life that were not going well. I think I used him to recover from a kind of depression I was going through. I guess that what I want is to be successful in other parts of my life.

 

And you couldn't be more right about how I think. I will follow your advice. No more always, never, forever, etc.

 

Thank you, 13Hearts.

[Dylon]

Hi. Sorry to hear how hurtful this has been for you. My heart goes out to you. Sounds to me like you were very logical from the beginning. If only my xAP were just a bit as understanding as you and expectation was as realistic. You must remember that when someone is deeply in love, or believe he is, words of passion flies out like a madman. It's not a lie, faking, as often claimed by many here. Deep inside, the heart says it.......forget logic, reality, and the mind. Lying and faking are intentional acts. We all know that the love feeling can make us do and say very illogical things. I've been there as that person just pouring out the passion like there's nothing else around but the AP. The feeling is overwhelmingly intense that every ounce of logic flies out the window. Then D-day happens, and it's "hell". Suddenly the world as you know it is in jeopardy. It becomes an emotional mess. An affair is already a mess, but you wouldn't believe the insanity of a D-day. Anything goes. For me, mentally I was in such a mess that I just wanted to dig a hole and never come out again, but instead I have to gather energy and will to calm or fix the most different task ever encountered. How does one do that when he is so down and emotionally....managing all the guilt, hurt, stress, daily situations that was once easy, but now even a meal is difficult. It's different for everyone. So will that change a person under all that pressure and stress? Of course! You take a person's weakest mental state and ask him to accomplish the task of making everyone well, including himself.

 

I hope you can reflect on yourself and work on yourself now that the ending has begun. I too used this forum to read and write to get through tough times. Take care of yourself and know that you are in the prime of your life and someone has said. You will be ok !!!! Time, time, time...

Edited March 8, 2016 by Dylon

[solonely9]

Hi, Dylon.

 

Yes, you are right. I was logical in the beginning, but he managed to convince me. With the help of 13Hearts here, I'm starting to remember why I got into this affair in first place, where I lost myself, and what I should do to get out of this mess. I still can't help, but feeling stupid though.

 

Also, about the proclamations of love, I do think that they were truthful. I do believe that, in those moments, he did feel this way. Even after D-Day, he kept on telling me how much he missed me, loved me, etc. He wanted to both calm things at home and to continue with me. He was struggling so much with being everywhere. I felt sorry for him. I, on the other hand, was getting less and less of him. Ending it was the best thing to do.

[jenkins95]

Solonely

 

I have just caught up on the posts to this thread today. It was so sad to see you so low first thing, but then what a lovely and heart-warming exchange between you and 13hearts. I am going to read it over and over again because it's beautiful. She says lovely things - and she's right! And to see you gradually gain a little confidence, heart (13hearts leant you one of hers ) and hope - and to get some clarity was absolutely beautiful. 13hearts is right - at 35 you are absolutely at your peak and the world is your oyster. Don't let him hold you back - there is so much else to offer for you out there. Very interesting contribution by Dylon too

 

(((Solonely9)))

 

You are on your way - it gets better! Keep posting

Edited March 8, 2016 by jenkins95

[13Hearts]

Hi SoLonely,

How did you do today? Did you remember anymore about what you wanted from the relationship?

 

I hope you are having a better day.

[solonely9]

Hey, 13Hearts.

 

A so so day today. Went for a long walk and it was nice.

 

And about your question, when I entered the affair, other things in my life were not working well, so, I guess I used him as a distraction. I should work on those things, instead of escaping to affairs.

 

How was your day?

[13Hearts]

I'm doing OK today, thank you.

[Babs22]

Horrible day today. I have not been able to stop crying and I don't know what to do with myself. XMM sounded like he is making so much progress, while I am going backwards. He is in therapy and follows his counselor's instructions strictly - getting busy, meeting friends, starting a hobby, etc. I also can't believe he is considering moving to another city. I keep on imagining what they are talking about, probably, during his sessions - that I am a mistake, that everything we had was a fantasy and so on. XMM is very diligent and rational, so I just know how well this is working for him. I just know that he is going to do everything he is told to do. I, on the other hand, am sinking further into depression. I have always been way more emotional that logical. My heart always takes the lead. So, here I am, falling into million pieces every second. Today, I ended up contacting a therapist as well, although, I almost 100% sure that this will not work for me. Damn. I don't even know what will.

 

Solonely,

 

I want to check in with you to see how you are doing today. I know you were in a lot of pain with the ending of your A. You were right to tell your AP that you needed to go NC and that his contact to you was causing you pain. I hope you have blocked your AP and his W on Facebook so you will be less likely to look at their pages. Please let us know how you are doing.

[solonely9]

Hi, Babs22.

 

Thank you for remembering me. I'm still here, reading the forum, reminding myself that I did the right thing, because, honestly, I feel like contacting him every other hour.

 

My xAP and I have been in NC since Monday. We ended the communication amicably. However, this did not prevent me from having a total emotional breakdown that day. I couldn't stop crying for hours and felt as if someone had died. The sense of loss has been almost unbearable. I had my first therapy session ever in my life on Wednesday and I cried through most of it, too.

 

I do not check anything about him anymore online. However, news got to me anyway. He is doing seemingly fine, working a lot and planning a vacation with his family. Honestly, I'm not upset at all. He is doing what he has to do. However, I'm really sad that he has been able to move on so fast, as if separating from me meant nothing at all. On the other hand, however, I know that, actually, I see what is on the surface only, so I am trying not to think too much about how he is dealing with his circumstances.

 

Also, not talking to him and knowing that he is moving on in a way has had a very strange effect on me. On one hand, a part of me still insists on holding on to him. On the other, however, I feel as if we are drifting further and further apart. In some way, I have started to think of what we had as something that never happened, as a fantasy. This notion makes me feel both pain and relief. Pain, because, maybe, we were fooling ourselves and ended up causing so much grief for nothing, and relief, because we didn't go deeper into a relationship that would have never worked out. Overall, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster during the last few days, fighting with myself.

 

I admit. I miss him a lot. Our A was more of an emotional one than anything else, so, I guess, I want our friendship back, but this too seems impossible to ever happen.

[Babs22]

Hi, Babs22.

Also, not talking to him and knowing that he is moving on in a way has had a very strange effect on me. On one hand, a part of me still insists on holding on to him. On the other, however, I feel as if we are drifting further and further apart. In some way, I have started to think of what we had as something that never happened, as a fantasy. This notion makes me feel both pain and relief. Pain, because, maybe, we were fooling ourselves and ended up causing so much grief for nothing, and relief, because we didn't go deeper into a relationship that would have never worked out. Overall, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster during the last few days, fighting with myself.

 

I admit. I miss him a lot. Our A was more of an emotional one than anything else, so, I guess, I want our friendship back, but this too seems impossible to ever happen.

 

Solonely,

I am glad you are still here and checking in. I am sorry this has been so painful for you. I am glad that you went to a counselor. I have not ended my A yet, but can relate to what I bolded above. For the past couple of weekends, I have purposefully not contacted my MM. It does have the effect of making it seem like we have drifted apart. I think I am intentionally trying to drift away, thinking it will make ending the A somehow easier for me. I would love to be able to go to a counselor. Not sure I can afford it. I did go to one a couple years back, but it was mostly about my son and I never admitted my affair. I hate even having to look for the counselor. I hope you found a good one.

 

Hang in there, I think like the loss of anyone, you go through the stages of grief and time definitely makes the pain less. I understand about losing your friendship, I too feel like that is a huge part of our affair and one of the hardest to get over.

Hugs to you Solonely. I do think you have shown amazing strength so far.

[Babsinhealing]

Solonely- I'm just a few days further in with NC and my feelings are exact. I miss him every minute and part of me wishes for him to run back and say he can't move on without me. Your xMM is staying busy because he has to- I'm sure this loss is affecting him too but being that men tend to be less emotional in their grieving, they just keep busy and carry on as normal as they can. Don't read into this as he's forgot about you. He's human and unless he's a sociopath, he has feelings and experiences loss. If you go to my thread, you will see Dylon wrote a great post on this very thing... Through the eyes of the MM. Stay strong. I know how hard it is. I'm so sad today but I'm just trying to stay strong, live my life and find moments of happiness to appreciate. (Hugs)

[Lovetoohard]

Solonely, it's normal to wonder whether you meant anything to him, especially when we witness someone going about their day as normal when you're writhing in pain and mustering up every single ounce of energy just to get through the basics of the day. It's also perfectly understandable that part of you wants to hold onto him, especially if there was a huge emotional element to the A. I think there is always going to be a part of you that misses him as it's human nature to often look back and think fondly of happy memories. But there was also a bigger part of his presence in your life that has brought a lot of pain and it's time to stop that pain.

 

Time and distance away from him will neutralize your emotions and help you see things with a lot more clarity. It will also give you some time to shift focus off of him and his life, and allow for some much needed self reflection to explore why you truly settled for a relationship of this nature. Take it as a lesson learned and an opportunity to better yourself, versus looking at it as being used, lied to, betrayed and abandoned. Again, lots of time and space will get you at this point.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[solonely9]

Hi, Babs22.

 

I found my counselor online on Tuesday. I was feeling so bad that I just had to do something. I looked for therapists in my area, saw his profile, liked his approach, and contacted him. He was very flexible about the price and agreed on what I can pay. However, I too can't afford too many sessions, maybe three or four at the most.

 

I did like my counselor. I felt very comfortable with him. He seemed to understand my personality right away. I'm saying this in regards to that I'm not someone who is easy to convince to do things. I need to process everything on my own and decide for myself. In this sense, he refrained from telling me how he thinks I should proceed. (XMM is going to IC as well and is doing okay. He was given a list of steps he has to take and seems to be following these steps strictly. However, he has a different personality. He always needs someone to tell him what to do.) Also, regarding my personality, this forum has helped me much more than what any therapist can ever do for me.

 

However, my first therapy session ever was helpful as well. Before seeing my counselor, I was going through this hell in my mind, as if the end of the world had come. Yes, I do tend to overthink and dramatize. After finally being able to let all my thoughts out in the open though, suddenly, my situation did not seem so aweful anymore. I had been drowning in self-pity and sorrow in my head, but, I guess, talking to someone detached from my life helped me see things more objectively, especially in regards to my xMM's circumstances.

 

I hope that you will be able to see a counselor at least a few times. If not though, this forum is a very good place to receive support and guidance as well.

 

And yes, the feeling of drifting away is a strange one. I still don't know, if I'm really starting to detach emotionally, or if it is just a trick my mind is playing on me and I will collapse under my feelings in case I see my xMM again. My brain seems to be working completely on its own right now and is in a state of constant negotiation between holding on to some hope and letting go. I do believe in the power of will, but I am still not able to control my thoughts, although staying in NC shows a bit of a progress on my side. In this sense, I should keep on maintaining no communication and just give it all more time.

 

In your case, I think that it's very smart of you to start emotionally preparing for the end of the A. I would have done the same thing, but our separation came so abruptly and, on the top of everything, just after I had completely opened up to this relationship.

 

Again, thank you for the support and the kind words.