NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[whichwayisup]

His truth is always going to be different than your truth. If you feel you loved him and he was good to you - Grieve that part of him. Don't discount what you felt. Why the A ended, if there was an actual Dday or not shouldn't matter, fact is the A is over and he was never going to leave his wife and family for you. Even though he led you to believe he would 'some day'.

 

Grieve the loss, let yourself really cry it out and rely on some good woman friends for support and also to get you laughing again. In time try not to look at his fb page or re-read old emails. You'll know when it's time to stop doing that as it's prevents you from pushing forward and really getting over him..But for now, limit yourself, try to fight the urge, post here! Especially if you want to reach out to him!

 

As for your husband, he's got his negative attributes for sure, but seems like a kindhearted person overall. He's a mama's boy and never been taught how to treat a woman properly, or how to care for one. It's good that you don't have kids, at least in the future if you do decide to divorce him, there's no little hearts to be broken.

[Babs22]

Very good post bathtub-row. It's interesting to discuss the differences between men and women, I think you've got a lot of it right and I recognise myself in much of what you say.

 

I think that men often get into affairs because it's in our nature to seek adventure and take risks. The affair is the ultimate adrenaline rush. We push doubts and guilt and rationalisation out of our mind early on because of how great it is - and we enjoy it in the present. Somewhere in the back of our mind we tell ourselves that no one will find out and that the AP wants exactly the same out of it as us - we will have a great time and then respectfully end it when it runs its course. It's OK, everything's under control, right? No one will get hurt, right?

 

We don't plan to hurt people, raise expectations, fall in love and then start to question our own marriage and we definitely don't anticipate a d-day. However, these things often do happen, often all at once. Suddenly the bubble is burst and the devastating reality his us like a slap in the face. We then go into meltdown, complete mental breakdown, what the heck do I do now?...... This wasn't part of the plan. We never meant to hurt anyone or turn everyone's worlds upside down. This is a nightmare. Help!

 

We can be thought of as big kids whose adventure has suddenly turned to hell. We are not emotionally equipped to deal with it. Often we run, desperately try to save our marriages, do what we are told by our spouses and just lay low until the shouting stops and pain starts to go away. We still care, probably love, the OW - but we can't cope with the stress and ending the a seems like the only option available now that reality has hit home, and it is often handled badly and quickly in a rushed manner. Yes, there is much on the y chromosome that I'm not proud of. The OW DOES end up meaning a lot to us, and we often feel genuine love, but for many of the reasons already stated, many of us still don't want to leave our m or feel we can't do it. Sometimes we discover there is still love in our marriage, but we neglected it, avoided conflict and simply looked for adventure instead of dealing with issues in the m. Finally we often wake up and start dealing with it - if we are given a chance and if to much damage hasn't already been done.

 

This all also ties in with what privategal says. Great stuff all

 

Jenkins,

Great post. I took a screen shot of it so I can refer to it when I need to. It all rang so true to me. When our A began he kept saying, "nobody gets hurt" and I was always thinking, well someone is going to get hurt and it's probably going to be me. It was his way of telling me he wouldn't be leaving his wife. I really wish he would have just said he wouldn't be leaving his wife.

 

My A has not ended yet but I think it will very soon. Thankfully not to a D day but because I think I'm finally strong enough to end it with MM. I seriously doubt that he ever would end it, at least not without a D day. One of the reasons I don't think he would end it is because he doesn't want to hurt me. So, I will have to put on my big girl panties and end it. I do love My MM and do not want him to go through the pain that would be caused to him if we were discovered. We had 3 pretty amazing years together, and it took me at least a year to realize he was never going to leave his wife. I guess it took two more for it to sink in. . I almost think my MM will be relieved when I end it. He will hurt but mine will be so much more. Someone said love means so much more to woman than to men and I believe that.

 

Solonely,

You are doing great coming here. Such great responses. It is helping me too. I like your post where you said you just realized how your MMs W is feeling now. She probably is hurting like hell. And I agree I would be feeling kind of sorry for my MM if he went through a D day.

[Hummingbird29]

I am in the exact same position. You should read my post on here. She too found out and he changed. He didn't stop saying he loves me and he STILL says he will leave her but he won't. I have to start believing that and you do too. Whatever it is keeping him with her we will never know the true reason because they are liars. I suck at NC. So I understand how hard it is. It's intensely and profoundly painful to think you were duped. But we were. They seemed so different and the exception. I still sometimes think that but when I do I am going to come to this forum for a wake-up call. I don't think he is a bad person. I think my MM is lost. Selfish. Confused. Maybe in some sort of crisis about his age. He is almost 40. But what someone else posted is true. He will always stay with his wife because she is his anchor. She is his home. She may not give him butterflies when he sees her or make his heart skip a beat anymore but the love he has for her is stronger than what he professed to us. He told me this week 'I love her but I love you more' so I said 'then why are you still with her?' And he said 'I don't know' which may have been the most truthful thing he ever said to me. I wish I had advice but I am only one week after DDday and I am in turmoil. I don't eat, sleep or function well. I am physically and mentally and spiritually suffering. I know it will get better. I just wish I could fast forward. I'll be thinking of you. No one deserves to hurt no matter badly we screw up.

[Pili-Pala]

I am in the exact same position. You should read my post on here. She too found out and he changed. He didn't stop saying he loves me and he STILL says he will leave her but he won't. I have to start believing that and you do too. Whatever it is keeping him with her we will never know the true reason because they are liars. I suck at NC. So I understand how hard it is. It's intensely and profoundly painful to think you were duped. But we were. They seemed so different and the exception. I still sometimes think that but when I do I am going to come to this forum for a wake-up call. I don't think he is a bad person. I think my MM is lost. Selfish. Confused. Maybe in some sort of crisis about his age. He is almost 40. But what someone else posted is true. He will always stay with his wife because she is his anchor. She is his home. She may not give him butterflies when he sees her or make his heart skip a beat anymore but the love he has for her is stronger than what he professed to us. He told me this week 'I love her but I love you more' so I said 'then why are you still with her?' And he said 'I don't know' which may have been the most truthful thing he ever said to me. I wish I had advice but I am only one week after DDday and I am in turmoil. I don't eat, sleep or function well. I am physically and mentally and spiritually suffering. I know it will get better. I just wish I could fast forward. I'll be thinking of you. No one deserves to hurt no matter badly we screw up.

 

I just read your thread and posted there too - we are all so similar.

 

I wish I could fast forward so much! I am 5 weeks post d-day but three days past accepting he is not leaving and walking away. I am still hurt and confused and full of a million emotions; but I feel much better today then I did three days ago - especially thanks to this forum! However, I also know the weekend and NC has helped. Tomorrow back in work is going to be the real challenge. I am worried and apprehensive but I have to get passed this. I have to keep walking and not look back. It's very likely you do too. We can do this!

Edited March 6, 2016 by Pili-Pala

[solonely9]

Thank you so much for the comments.

 

Again, reading the posts here has helped me tremendously. So many similar stories. I think that it was Pili-Pala who said that witnessing what others in the same situation are going through has contributed to her seeing her own circumstances more clearly. I feel exactly like this.

 

Also, I'm better today. You're right. The end is here and the resons for it do not matter much. Honestly, I still feel insecure, but, as Grey Cloud pointed out, even if I were to have yet another conversation with him, it wouldn't have helped much, as I can rely only on his word and it is not good enough for me anymore. The truth is that I'm on my own in this and, in the words of imsosad, the healing should come from within myself.

[Grey Cloud]

You have to block him on all social media. If need be, create a new email address. No more reading his emails, that is breaking NC (on your own end) even if you don't reply back. NC = No new hurts.

 

On the whole Facebook thing, at first I just "unfollowed" xMM so new things of his wouldn't appear in my newsfeed but he could still see my stuff. This didn't work because (a) whenever I put anything up on FB I was thinking what HE would think when he saw it and would it make him miss me etc and (b) I could still go on to his page and look at everything whenever I wanted anyway.

 

I ended up blocking him and his w to protect ME. I realised if I am thinking of him every time I go on to FB then that was a form of contact that I was enabling.

 

I also deleted every single email he ever sent. Because if they were still there of course I would go back and re-read them, reminisce plus analyze everything he ever did or said.

 

After seeing each other four days a week at work and having contact up to 7 days a week, I have now completely disappeared out of his life and him out of mine. It is actually quite liberating.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Okay, so much to say:

 

1. I'm not certain why you are shocked at how this ended or his actions since then. You were the side chick. If he told you at the start that he was never leaving his wife for you he was telling you that you would always be the side chick. He'd tell you that he loved you, he'd cry to you and all of that, but that is because you were for a limited purpose. A fantasy even.

 

Please do not take this the wrong way and I am NOT say that being an OW is being a lady of the evening, but if you read what many of them have written, they almost universally say that the men sometimes just want to talk or cry or let their guard down in a way that they feel they can't with their wives. Not every case, but it is such a common thing that its amazing. Bottom line, you served a purpose to him but were not a partner. He did not see you that way. Still doesn't. That is why he "insists that you be friends". He gets to use you for his purposes.

 

2. No better time than now to tell you husband. One of two things is going to happen. He's gonna beg you to stay, forgive you and pretty much let you know that he can't bear the thought of losing you. On the other hand, he's gonna tell you to GTFO. In that case, there is no dealing with him. Its over. Move on. OR you might have that same feeling that OM has demonstrated. Once the fantasy bubble is burst, you might realize he was just a side piece too.

 

Nothing will wake you up faster than the pain and devastation you inflict on your Husband in which case you will be cold and harsh to OM or the realization that your Marriage really is over and you can get a move on with the rest of your life. It will be quite liberating.

 

100% agree. xMM told his W a total fabrication (I know bc she spoke to my H) while I told H every detail, even the s*xual ones, whatever he wanted to know. H chose to work it out and our marriage is 1000 times better than before. He took a lot of responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage and I don't want to say I'm glad I had an A but our marriage is completely different from what it was for the last 10 years. You never know, the other person deserves the truth, life is short and if you are unhappy, the other person must be as well (or in denial). And if you don't want someone, let them go to find someone who will love him. And find someone to love you too!

[jenkins95]

This thread has continued to produce some very insightful and heartfelt posts. I am really sorry for what you are all going through - there's some truly deep hurt on this thread. The great news is that most people are on the right path - NC or soon to be NC. Hopefully, when that starts in earnest, the only factor still to consider is time. Babs, I'm really glad that you found one of my previous posts useful. It's nice to be able to provide a MM perspective as there aren't many of us posting at the moment. I know the immediate future is daunting Babs - know that we are here for you.

 

Just a few more thoughts, using some lines from Hummingbird's post as a starting point:

Whatever it is keeping him with her we will never know the true reason because they are liars

It's intensely and profoundly painful to think you were duped. But we were

 

I don't think he is a bad person. I think my MM is lost. Selfish. Confused

 

He will always stay with his wife because she is his anchor

 

He told me this week 'I love her but I love you more' so I said 'then why are you still with her?' And he said 'I don't know' which may have been the most truthful thing he ever said to me

 

One thing to say is that while I try to speak on behalf of MMs, I only do this because there aren't many others posting. I was ticked off about this on another thread, so just to clarify, I don't necessarily to claim to represent all MMs, but I do feel that I am a pretty good model for a 'standard', 'average' MM who had a fairly typical A!

 

Anyway, the collection of lines by HummingBird above paints a pretty good picture of the general muddle and mess that MMs can become. But one thing I would say is that even though OWs often have justification in feeling that MM has lied to her and duped her, it is important to me to say that he rarely intentionally does this (some possibly do, but not most). He shouldn't necessarily be thought of as an evil, manipulative monster, cleverly and calculatingly pulling strings, not really meaning any of it, but just doing it to get what he wanted in that moment. That is an incorrect picture in most cases IMO.

 

He was probably just lost in the fog and doing and saying things he really felt and really wanted in that moment, without necessarily thinking too much about it. If he did lie and dupe, he probably did it to himself as much as anyone else. He probably allowed himself to just enjoy and bask in the pleasure of the affair while ignoring the implications and consequences of the things he said and his actions.

 

I think use of the 'L' word is an illustrative example that can be used here. When affairs get really intense and past the first few months, we love to use it - we feel the pleasure in saying it and hearing it and we take pleasure in the effect it has on the AP - it's the same for both partners I think and I think that when the MMs and their OWs tell each other that they love each other, they both very likely mean it - it is very unlikely to be an out and out lie. But I think the issue lies in the implications of it's use.

 

In my A, neither I nor my OW ever said that we would leave our partners, and yet the L word was used liberally. It often seemed to be like a competition who could say it most on any particular day and who could pay the other the most compliments - it felt so great, we were both constantly blushing! I loved giving all that as much as I loved receiving it. But for me (and probably other MMs), to say I love you is usually simply a celebration of joy in that moment. I would tell her I loved her because a. it was true and b. I was happy in that moment and wanted to express it. It started and ended there and didn't carry further implications - it was a pure and simple jump for joy.

 

My OW used it just as much, but as things got difficult at the end and we started to have the horrible conversations, it became clear to me that for her, the repeated use of the L word, had carried implications after all. Her view was that yes, it was true that we had never said we would leave our partners, but since then we have said we love each other so many times, that it must imply that our partners are no longer the ones for us and that we do indeed want to properly and officially be together, and that each saying of 'I love you' was a step in that direction.

 

Whether or not you feel I have a valid point with this, please don't think that MM's feeling of love is any less than OW's. The fact that I am still struggling several months into NC is testimony to that. But perhaps for MMs we can simply use the term as a celebration whereas the OWs find it hard to use it without analysing it in the context of the entire bigger picture. Perhaps Hummingird's final line that I quoted above encapsulates this well (pasted again)

 

He told me this week 'I love her but I love you more' so I said 'then why are you still with her?' And he said 'I don't know' which may have been the most truthful thing he ever said to me.....

 

As an MM, I did feel genuine love for OW. I enjoyed it in the moment, and avoided thinking of consequences or where we were headed. In the back of my mind I knew that I hadn't future faked or said I would leave my marriage, so I felt that I could lose myself as deep in the affair as possible and say the L word as often as I wanted, because the ground rule had been set, so everything else was understood in that context.

 

Like many MM, when D-day came, I wasn't prepared and my life quickly turned into a nightmare of confusion and self-preservation, which I handled badly, hurting everyone in the process. During the following difficult conversations with the OW, I realised that while I hadn't future faked with words, my behaviour and liberal use of the L word HAD led her to believe that perhaps I would be prepared to leave my M after all.

 

I remember her feeling cheated by our different interpretations of this issue. Could I ask any of you if this 'misunderstanding', or a variation, also occurred in your As and if you feel that it is indeed a good example of one of the key differences between men and women in general? Other posters have said that love means different things to men and women, perhaps it does and perhaps that's why usage of the sentence 'I love you' can carry different implications and expectations for the OW than it does for the MM. Perhaps it is also another illustration of how men compartmentalise better - telling their OWs that they love them (and fully meaning it), but then leaving that in the bubble when they then go home to their W and children.

 

Lessons I learned from this: -

 

1. Never have an affair in the first place.

 

2. Men and women can interpret things said and done in affairs differently. Men tend to be better compartmentalisers (if that's even a real word!).

 

3. If you do find yourself in an affair, have regular conversations with AP the regarding the expectations of what you want out of the affair and how these have changed since the last time you spoke. Don't make assumptions that you know what is in each other's mind or that what is in their mind is the same as what's in yours regarding the affair.

 

4. Never have an affair in the first place! Take up chess or something instead

Edited March 7, 2016 by jenkins95

[mudbloodgirl14]

We also had this very heavy conversation about why he didn't "pick me." Basically, he said that he picked to stay with his wife, because she will never do something like this. As I said in my post, he ended up painting me into this bad person, while his wife was all good and vertuous.

 

I really can relate in your situation. And I know the pain. During the last few months of my relationship with my ex, he's always comparing me to his fiance. That I'm the bad and she's the good one. And that's his reason why he didn't pick me. He blame me for everything why he left me.. when all I did was doing everything for him. I am even willing to take all the risks of loving someone like him. All I can advice to you is to continue the NC. I'm on my 18th day, it still feels so hard, very hard. I still miss him like crazy. but a LITTLE BIT better than the first days. Stay strong.

[jenkins95]

solonely9, I was quite sad to read your post on lemodrop's thread just now. When you said that, even with your affair over, you take no comfort in your marriage and feel that things are over between you and your H. I can see now why you chose your username.

 

I can now see why you are extra devastated that things didn't work out with your AP. I'm really sorry for your pain. Do you have a time frame in mind for ending your marriage? Does your H know it's pretty well over? Will he resist or try to change your mind? Perhaps his reaction may surprise you?

 

Things will get better eventually and who knows who you will meet in the future. Just take very good care of yourself, try to lean on good friends and family......and come to us. Keep posting.

 

I know there doesn't seem to be much to be happy about at the moment, but hang in there. I wish you all the best.

[solonely9]

Hi, guys. I'm completely and totally heartbroken today. I tried to answer another post and wanted to say some very thoughtful things, but I couldn't, because I'm so sad, so torn.

 

Yesterday, my xMM contacted me again, asking me to go for coffee. He said some very nice words about me - how special I am, how we are best friends, etc. Honestly, I fell for them. I was like, oh, he is thinking about me. Maybe, he has changed his mind. I know. I'm so stupid. I said I was going to think about it and went back here to read all the comments and advices that you've been so generous with. It was so helpful. After reminding myself the right thing to do, I emailed him that we have to talk.

 

Well, we just talked. I asked him two things - how was he doing in his marriage and was he comitted to making it work. He replied that everything was going well and that they both wanted it to go back to normal. Also, they go to MC and he is in IC. Furthermore, he is making some really big changes in his life. He is planning to get buisier with work and to develop a new hobby. He said he needed to be more occupied, because, for him, the affair resulted from him having too much time, feeling lonely, and looking for an outlet. They are also moving to another city!!! I was shattered by how much progress he seemed to be making, while I hardly go through the day. The truth is though that I kind of knew that that's what I was going to hear, but it still hurt like hell. I had allowed myself a tiny hope. However, what I really wanted to tell him was that it was time for us to be real about what was going on and to go into NC. I told him that if he was so determined to save his marriage, the honest thing to do by his wife would be for him to cut off all communication with me. I also said that him keeping contacting me had caused me a lot of pain and had confused me deeply, and that I needed to move on. He tried to argue a bit, insisting on us becoming actual friends one day, but I told him it was impossible. I was dying on the inside, but I forced myself to hear him and to be firm about my decision.

 

And hear I am, more heartbroken than ever, but sure that I did the right thing. I just wish I was able to start making a real progress like him. I'm stuck right now.

[Shadowburn]

Hi, guys. I'm completely and totally heartbroken today. I tried to answer another post and wanted to say some very thoughtful things, but I couldn't, because I'm so sad, so torn.

 

Yesterday, my xMM contacted me again, asking me to go for coffee. He said some very nice words about me - how special I am, how we are best friends, etc. Honestly, I fell for them. I was like, oh, he is thinking about me. Maybe, he has changed his mind. I know. I'm so stupid. I said I was going to think about it and went back here to read all the comments and advices that you've been so generous with. It was so helpful. After reminding myself the right thing to do, I emailed him that we have to talk.

 

Well, we just talked. I asked him two things - how was he doing in his marriage and was he comitted to making it work. He replied that everything was going well and that they both wanted it to go back to normal. Also, they go to MC and he is in IC. Furthermore, he is making some really big changes in his life. He is planning to get buisier with work and to develop a new hobby. He said he needed to be more occupied, because, for him, the affair resulted from him having too much time, feeling lonely, and looking for an outlet. They are also moving to another city!!! I was shattered by how much progress he seemed to be making, while I hardly go through the day. The truth is though that I kind of knew that that's what I was going to hear, but it still hurt like hell. I had allowed myself a tiny hope. However, what I really wanted to tell him was that it was time for us to be real about what was going on and to go into NC. I told him that if he was so determined to save his marriage, the honest thing to do by his wife would be for him to cut off all communication with me. I also said that him keeping contacting me had caused me a lot of pain and had confused me deeply, and that I needed to move on. He tried to argue a bit, insisting on us becoming actual friends one day, but I told him it was impossible. I was dying on the inside, but I forced myself to hear him and to be firm about my decision.

 

And hear I am, more heartbroken than ever, but sure that I did the right thing. I just wish I was able to start making a real progress like him. I'm stuck right now.

 

This is horrible, Solonely, I am so sorry this cruel jerk couldn't just leave you alone. Please cut him out of your life, you don't need to know his "progress" and what hobbies he replaced your love with. At least this is last time you have to suffer like that. Hugs and much love to you!

[solonely9]

Yes... replacing my love with hobbies... God that hurt.

[Shadowburn]

Yes... replacing my love with hobbies... God that hurt.

 

It shouldn't. It just shows how much it all meant to him. So make sure it means just as little to you, because he is not worth your love and your tears.

My xMM replaced me with a hobby as well which honestly made me laugh. After all the "I love you's" and passion and drama...that's all it took him, really?

 

Cheer up. Your wound has been reopened, but at least now you know where you stand and can start moving forward. After the last hope dies, there comes freedom.

[Cymbeline]

'My xMM replaced me with a hobby as well which honestly made me laugh. After all the "I love you's" and passion and drama...that's all it took him, really?'

 

An affair is a kind of hobby though isn't it? Albeit one that gets out of hand. Hobbies are a recognised form of triangulation in a relationship, just like an affair. In addition, since many marriages are not really that bad, but boredom and habituation lead to an affair, one of the most common pieces of advice given in MC, for marriages that are actually quite satisfactory but may need a bit of tweaking, is for the unfaithful spouse to become immersed in a new hobby.

 

In fact my IC told me to regard the OW as the latest hobby since my WH tends to get very excited about and involved in new activities for a while then he takes up something different after a time.

[Shadowburn]

'My xMM replaced me with a hobby as well which honestly made me laugh. After all the "I love you's" and passion and drama...that's all it took him, really?'

 

An affair is a kind of hobby though isn't it? Albeit one that gets out of hand. Hobbies are a recognised form of triangulation in a relationship, just like an affair. In addition, since many marriages are not really that bad, but boredom and habituation lead to an affair, one of the most common pieces of advice given in MC, for marriages that are actually quite satisfactory but may need a bit of tweaking, is for the unfaithful spouse to become immersed in a new hobby.

 

In fact my IC told me to regard the OW as the latest hobby since my WH tends to get very excited about and involved in new activities for a while then he takes up something different after a time.

 

That's great and totally make sense..unfortunately to me and many others on these boards it's been so much more, I was in love with him and would've left my marriage for him. So to think I meant so little was bedazzling because he was the one who actively pursued me.

[Hummingbird29]

Although I find many of these posts very helpful, it is possible the OW is not just a hobby or fantasy. Sorry but it's true. Nothing is as concrete as we would like it to be. People do genuinely fall in love and that doesn't mean they have no feelings for the wife or the children. To say that as a generalization is ridiculous. Emotions are powerful and not everyone who enters into an affair is a pos or unsympathetic. Love makes you act irrationally. It's a feeling where common sense gets thrown out the window. If you have never felt that then maybe you have never been in love. Just my opinion. But some people do marry their affair partner and sometimes they did marry the wrong person. Humans by nature are imperfect. We pay the consequences for poor choices. But we aren't all just hobbies or sex toys to our mm. In some cases maybe. But not all.

[Cymbeline]

Although I find many of these posts very helpful, it is possible the OW is not just a hobby or fantasy. Sorry but it's true. Nothing is as concrete as we would like it to be. People do genuinely fall in love and that doesn't mean they have no feelings for the wife or the children. To say that as a generalization is ridiculous. Emotions are powerful and not everyone who enters into an affair is a pos or unsympathetic. Love makes you act irrationally. It's a feeling where common sense gets thrown out the window. If you have never felt that then maybe you have never been in love. Just my opinion. But some people do marry their affair partner and sometimes they did marry the wrong person. Humans by nature are imperfect. We pay the consequences for poor choices. But we aren't all just hobbies or sex toys to our mm. In some cases maybe. But not all.

 

I am not saying a hobby isn't important, confidence boosting and life affirming. I do think they may be impermanent. As romantic love is impermanent. Marriage is about stability, economics, social/familial groups. Affairs are about feeling alive and different. They aren't the same.

 

Love in a marriage and love in an affair differ. One has longevity because the participants manage to tolerate and even enjoy being together. They may still excite each other if they are lucky - though probably not all the time.

 

To be honest, I would deem love to be something which has withstood challenges and the test of time. Romantic love is something different and doesn't need to last or to be feasible. It is far more intense when it is

infeasible. We'd be less confused if we gave it another name.

[Cymbeline]

'Love makes you act irrationally'

 

You see I don't think the emotion that makes you do that is love. I love my children and would take a bullet for them. I have managed to keep them alive and in one piece to young adulthood. I have tried my very best to use my rational brain rather than my emotions in all my parenting.

 

I act similarly, though more selfishly with my husband, whom I also love.

[13Hearts]

That's great and totally make sense..unfortunately to me and many others on these boards it's been so much more, I was in love with him and would've left my marriage for him. So to think I meant so little was bedazzling because he was the one who actively pursued me.

 

An affair partner can be very much like an addictive drug. We humans seem to believe that some thing or some one else is what we need. But those feelings we get from the affair or from the drug are only temporary. Once we're hooked, we spend the rest of our time chasing a feeling. You don't need a person or a drug to feel great. There is so much more to life than those things. If you want to leave your spouse and find a new life, you should. But I wouldn't place all my bets on one person because people, and relationships with them, usually wind up disappointing us sooner or later. I think you lucked out that this guy disappointed you sooner, rather than later.

Edited March 8, 2016 by 13Hearts

[13Hearts]

Although I find many of these posts very helpful, it is possible the OW is not just a hobby or fantasy. Sorry but it's true. Nothing is as concrete as we would like it to be. People do genuinely fall in love and that doesn't mean they have no feelings for the wife or the children. To say that as a generalization is ridiculous. Emotions are powerful and not everyone who enters into an affair is a pos or unsympathetic. Love makes you act irrationally. It's a feeling where common sense gets thrown out the window. If you have never felt that then maybe you have never been in love. Just my opinion. But some people do marry their affair partner and sometimes they did marry the wrong person. Humans by nature are imperfect. We pay the consequences for poor choices. But we aren't all just hobbies or sex toys to our mm. In some cases maybe. But not all.

 

Very true. My brother divorced his first wife because she was absolutely miserable (or something), and VERY difficult to live with. He married his affair partner, and they are like two peas in a pod. One hardly goes anywhere without the other. They have raised their combined children and put them all through college. They live a harmonious, productive, shared life. Had my brother felt responsible or obligated to stay with his first wife, I'm certain both he and his now grown child would be miserable (living with a toxic person).

[13Hearts]

'Love makes you act irrationally'

 

You see I don't think the emotion that makes you do that is love. I love my children and would take a bullet for them. I have managed to keep them alive and in one piece to young adulthood. I have tried my very best to use my rational brain rather than my emotions in all my parenting.

 

I act similarly, though more selfishly with my husband, whom I also love.

 

I have been in love many times. My love has grown and matured over several decades and many relationships. Love makes me happy and very rational. Where I become irrational is when I believe love means I MUST do something, or obligates me to act in certain ways or do certain things for the one I love. What makes me irrational in love is when I believe that I MUST have a person, MUST BE WITH a person, no matter what.

 

To me, true love is accepting that person for who they REALLY are, not demanding that they live their life the way I see fit, and being willing to let that person go when the relationship does not work for both people. Love is wanting that person to realize and become all that he or she can be, regardless of whether or not they do so with me in their life.

[Shadowburn]

13 hearts, your posts are amazing, such a great contribution to this board

[13Hearts]

13 hearts, your posts are amazing, such a great contribution to this board

 

Aw, Shadowburn, thank you so much for saying so. It is nice to feel like I contribute something. This board is such a great place and I just love how people have been so supportive here lately. It really feels like a community.

 

I hope you are doing well ❤❤

[solonely9]

I agree, 13Hearts. Amazing posts.