His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[Ms. Faust]

I am curious why you would prefer to communicate by phone as well. Email is better so you have a record.

[whichwayisup]

It sounds t me like the lawyer involved is fanning the flames because he or she is looking at their final bill. The more they can drag it out, the larger that bill will be.

 

If the op doesn't want to have any contact with her ex-mm or his w, surely some sort of experienced and neutral third party can be found who can facilitate visitation, etc. That way, there doesn't have to be any contact at all.

 

Going into the future, how is that helpful? As time goes on one would hope that exMM, his wife and May will be able to have a courteous respectful understanding, work together as a team, put aside the personal issues and put the little girl first above their own feelings and awkwardness.

[rainbowsandkittens]

You keep saying that you're trying to do what's right for your baby but in all honesty it seems like you're trying to do what's best for you.

 

You have said from the beginning that you want her to have her father in her life but you're doing everything you can to keep that from happening. You chose to have a relationship with a married man. You knew from the get go who he was and what his family situation was. So in having a child with him- you also chose his family as your own, albeit in an indirect way. You can't then turn around and say that you don't want them in your life. It's too late. You're all connected, like it or not.

 

I know you have heard terrible things about his wife. But from what you've posted here (and that's all we have to go on) she seems to be genuinely interested in your baby and not in a "let me steal this kid and make her my own" way. She's reached out to YOU to try and talk, to arrange meetings, etc. That's not the MO of someone who's trying to get around you or get one over on you.

 

He asked for visitation. You could have compromised but instead you tried to cut his wife out. Of course he's going to object to that. I'm 99% sure she is the reason he's doing all this and his own condition for seeing his daughter. You got upset bc he didn't come back and bow down to your wishes. Instead, I'm sure he realized that you were not going to a) make it easy on him or b) ever let him bring his wife so instead he gave up and decided to go for the easy way of letting the lawyers/ mediators help sort it out.

 

I think you have a definite idea of how this should go and when it doesn't come out the way you want you act like he's the one who's doing everything wrong. If you truly had only your daughter's best interests at heart you would find a way to make this work for all of you. Not just you and your Ex-MM. All of you are a family now. You opened this door by asking for child support. Now you have to let them in. I would say, try at least once in a neutral location and see what happens.

 

I know you want to protect your children. I think that's abundantly clear. But at the same time holding on to bitterness and anger is not helping any of you. There is a way to be cautious without being closed. If that makes any sense.

[Ms. Faust]

From what the OP has reported I suspect the MM really does not want visitation. I suspect he is going through the motions at the request of his wife and lawyer. The OP putting a stipulation on visitation gave him an out of postponing it even longer.

This guy may not fight for his daughter.

Remember, he had trouble bonding with his daughter with his wife. I don't think this is a kid friendly person.

[ChickiePops]

He was probably ignoring you out of respect for his wife.

 

Mayday..you definitely sound like someone who's trying to convince yourself that you're over him rather than someone who is actually over him. I still feel like this is your major issue here. If it wasn't, you wouldn't care so much about his wife.

[Sub]

You have said from the beginning that you want her to have her father in her life but you're doing everything you can to keep that from happening. You chose to have a relationship with a married man. You knew from the get go who he was and what his family situation was. So in having a child with him- you also chose his family as your own, albeit in an indirect way. You can't then turn around and say that you don't want them in your life. It's too late. You're all connected, like it or not.9

 

I think this is the difficult part for OP: realizing that the MM and BW aren't separating or divorcing, and are now a package deal. It doesn't make sense to her after the love that took place in the A, after him "spending a month in a hotel to get away from the W's rage", and after the BW finding out what her H did. I think in a way Mayday is flip-flopping on communication methods with the W to be a little difficult and push it back to dealing solely with the MM. Why else reverse course and say she only wants dialogue via phone with him? She either wants the BW on the outside of the bubble, IMO, or for the MM to lose everything.

[Ms. Faust]

Also, May, bear in mind... and I am going to say this as gently as possible... there was a time when you were with MM that he said his wife was unstable.

 

Now imagine what he is saying about you to his wife. It is entirely possible that he will turn his tale around and say YOU are the one who is unstable, or that you were trying to trap him with the pregnancy.

 

I recall that you said the evidence you have about his wife came from emails with MM... bear in mind what "evidence" they may feel they have against you.

 

The BW only knows about you through her husband, and they have already shown that they are in it together.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Mayday2016]

I am curious why you would prefer to communicate by phone as well. Email is better so you have a record.

 

So I know I'm actually talking to him. The wife wrote me emails posing as him asking me why I won't 'respond to me' .. I know his nuances.

[Mayday2016]

Also, May, bear in mind... and I am going to say this as gently as possible... there was a time when you were with MM that he said his wife was unstable.

 

Now imagine what he is saying about you to his wife. It is entirely possible that he will turn his tale around and say YOU are the one who is unstable, or that you were trying to trap him with the pregnancy.

 

I recall that you said the evidence you have about his wife came from emails with MM... bear in mind what "evidence" they may feel they have against you.

 

The BW only knows about you through her husband, and they have already shown that they are in it together.

 

 

That's OK. He can tell her I'm the craziest, nastiest piece of crap. I don't care how he tries to paint me. This isn't about making myself look good to her. This is about what's in the best interest of baby. I have certain things he sent me, more then emails and texts, that painted a very clear picture that this is a woman without restraint. no one here needs to agree with the fact I'm comfortable with the evidence I have makes her not to be of sane mind.

[Mayday2016]

From what the OP has reported I suspect the MM really does not want visitation. I suspect he is going through the motions at the request of his wife and lawyer. The OP putting a stipulation on visitation gave him an out of postponing it even longer.

This guy may not fight for his daughter.

Remember, he had trouble bonding with his daughter with his wife. I don't think this is a kid friendly person.

 

 

He doesn't. This is all at the behest of his wife. I don't want him in my daughters life only because his wife is telling him to. I don't need him to begrudge or resent having to acknowledge baby. I'd rather him back out now and admit this is all her trying to push for a 'relationship' --- it's better to raise her without him than raise her with him when he acts as if he doesn't want her around or she sees clear cut favoritism of his other daughter.

 

My fear is he may even be using baby as a distraction. He may be placating his wife and consuming her thoughts and soon when they have visitation, pushing baby to her so that he can go off and be out of the house pursuing other affairs or hobbies that keep him from actually being a parent. During the course of the A he found every excuse not to be home. This woman couldn't even take care of their toddler alone, whenever xMM went to conferences she would have to fly her parents up here to help her- and mind you the daughter was in daycare for part of the day. The fact she couldn't care for her child alone for 3 days is very telling. Why the hell will I agree to visitation when I know it would be a mentally unstable woman looking after my daughter? No. Just no.

[Ms. Faust]

This woman couldn't even take care of their toddler alone, whenever xMM went to conferences she would have to fly her parents up here to help her- and mind you the daughter was in daycare for part of the day. The fact she couldn't care for her child alone for 3 days is very telling.

 

Does she work?

[Ms. Faust]

I want to add, I will be honest with you... needing assistance from family for a few days is not a sign of mental instability. My husband has to attend conferences 3-6x a year, and they are very inconvenient. Sometimes I drive to his home state and stay with his mom while he is away for the company and so she can help me.

 

And I promise, I have no mental issues, and am perfectly capable of raising my daughter on my own. But having family around to assist really helps.

[rainbowsandkittens]

He doesn't. This is all at the behest of his wife. I don't want him in my daughters life only because his wife is telling him to. I don't need him to begrudge or resent having to acknowledge baby. I'd rather him back out now and admit this is all her trying to push for a 'relationship' --- it's better to raise her without him than raise her with him when he acts as if he doesn't want her around or she sees clear cut favoritism of his other daughter.

 

If you know this is the case then why bother trying to let him have ANY visitation? This woman tried to gently touch your child. She has been trying to get him to see her. Do you honestly think she's is going to allow him to play favorites?

 

My fear is he may even be using baby as a distraction. He may be placating his wife and consuming her thoughts and soon when they have visitation, pushing baby to her so that he can go off and be out of the house pursuing other affairs or hobbies that keep him from actually being a parent. During the course of the A he found every excuse not to be home. This woman couldn't even take care of their toddler alone, whenever xMM went to conferences she would have to fly her parents up here to help her- and mind you the daughter was in daycare for part of the day. The fact she couldn't care for her child alone for 3 days is very telling. Why the hell will I agree to visitation when I know it would be a mentally unstable woman looking after my daughter? No. Just no.

 

Is this something you think about? Could this be what is really bothering you? That he may be out looking for someone else? I hate to point it out again but when he was pursuing you he was neglecting his daughter and it didn't seem to bother you then. So now you're on the other side of it. Can you find any compassion for his wife? You have more in common than you realize.

[NTV]

With regards to his betrayed wife's mental health, his cheating is likely made her temporarily extremely emotionally distraught. Without having experienced betrayal like this firsthand myself, I doubt I would be able to comprehend the magnitude of the emotional damage. Adding to that, it's very common for cheating spouses to make up bad things about their partner to make themselves feel better about themselves or look better to a potential affair partner. (i.e. 'my husband abuses me!').

 

 

So I don't know that you will get much mileage out of anything he said about his wife. And to be honest, if she had to be hospitalized, chances are it has more to do with all the horrible s*** like cheating he has done to her than anything about her. And if that's the case, would you really want this same kind of influence in your child's life?

 

 

I think the more you push for him to be involved with you or the child in any way other than financial support, the more you're inviting the devil in. His willingness or unwillingness to care for his children--regardless the circumstances--speaks volumes about who this guy is as a man.

 

 

In my eyes, if I were in his shoes, there's nothing aside from the law that could keep me from being apart of my child's life. Being a father isn't a role I play at home, or a job a clock in or out of. It's part of who I am. Yes there are other parts... probably many if I took the time to count... but this part of me is something that I see is a major factor in defining who I am.

 

 

Who is NTV? Father, Husband, religious follower, (hobby like golfer), (work like accountant), citizen, etc. Of course I know that everyone's list of what defines them is different.... but I don't know that I could respect a man who's 'father' piece was a low priority on their self-definition.

 

 

I guess what I'm getting at in a very roundabout way is that if this factor is so low on this man's list, how can he possibly be a good influence?

 

 

I wouldn't let a someone who doesn't care about animals to care for my pet while I'm out of town, and a child is so so much more important.

 

 

'Course that's just my 2 cents. And somewhere on that list of 'who is NTV?' one of the responses is 'just a stranger on the internet'.

[stillafool]

 

He doesn't. This is all at the behest of his wife. I don't want him in my daughters life only because his wife is telling him to. I don't need him to begrudge or resent having to acknowledge baby. I'd rather him back out now and admit this is all her trying to push for a 'relationship' --- it's better to raise her without him than raise her with him when he acts as if he doesn't want her around or she sees clear cut favoritism of his other daughter.

 

It's clear she is telling him to do the right thing regarding this child. It is also clear he doesn't want to acknowledge your baby whatsoever. Who is so heartless that they can walk into a court room and not even look at the child they fathered? He doesn't care one bit. So May even without the wife in the picture; why would you be okay to leave your baby with a man who doesn't care about her?

 

My fear is he may even be using baby as a distraction. He may be placating his wife and consuming her thoughts and soon when they have visitation, pushing baby to her so that he can go off and be out of the house pursuing other affairs or hobbies that keep him from actually being a parent. During the course of the A he found every excuse not to be home. This woman couldn't even take care of their toddler alone, whenever xMM went to conferences she would have to fly her parents up here to help her- and mind you the daughter was in daycare for part of the day. The fact she couldn't care for her child alone for 3 days is very telling. Why the hell will I agree to visitation when I know it would be a mentally unstable woman looking after my

daughter? No. Just no.

 

There is nothing you can do to prevent this man from having another affair. Also I'm sure as soon as all of this blows over and his wife is in full acceptance he will resume another affair whether he sees your daughter or not. That's his M.O.

 

His wife probably needed her parents help because she was under stress because of his cheating. It must be hard to take care of little kids when your intuition is telling you something is wrong. You weren't his first affair and certainly won't be his last. His wife needs to seek therapy as to why she stays.

Edited May 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[ChickiePops]

if you're so sure that she's mentally unstable, why not tell your lawyer and ask for her to be examined by a psychologist before they get any custody of the baby?

[anika99]

He doesn't. This is all at the behest of his wife. I don't want him in my daughters life only because his wife is telling him to. I don't need him to begrudge or resent having to acknowledge baby. I'd rather him back out now and admit this is all her trying to push for a 'relationship' --- it's better to raise her without him than raise her with him when he acts as if he doesn't want her around or she sees clear cut favoritism of his other daughter.

 

My fear is he may even be using baby as a distraction. He may be placating his wife and consuming her thoughts and soon when they have visitation, pushing baby to her so that he can go off and be out of the house pursuing other affairs or hobbies that keep him from actually being a parent. During the course of the A he found every excuse not to be home. This woman couldn't even take care of their toddler alone, whenever xMM went to conferences she would have to fly her parents up here to help her- and mind you the daughter was in daycare for part of the day. The fact she couldn't care for her child alone for 3 days is very telling. Why the hell will I agree to visitation when I know it would be a mentally unstable woman looking after my daughter? No. Just no.

 

Well if your interest is for the well being of your child you better cough that evidence up at the mediation. Otherwise you are just using whatever you have as evidence to be uncooperative and use your kid as pawn to punish the MM and his BW. I seem to recall that dday happened for the BW last September so I wouldn't be surprised if she fell to pieces temporarily and needed family support but that doesn't mean she is normally untrustworthy with children. Show your evidence so that the mental health of the BW will be investigated.

[sandylee1]

May,

 

Are you regretting asking for child support now? Knowing that his wife WILL be in your daughter's life? Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to stop that.

 

You say you have other evidence of her mental stability? Unless it's from a psychiatrist.... you can't believe it. Even then... you know people can forge documents and create fake medical reports right?

Anything you have as proof is coming from a cheater who actively sought out an affair .... why do you believe it all? You know cheaters lie to justify their behaviour.

 

I think you want to ask him other questions on the phone ... hence you aren't happy to use email. Even if It Is his wife emailing .... He's the one who will be having visitation Initially. Having communication in writing prevents any false allegations or statements and protects both parties.

 

What you want is for him to be over the moon with your daughter... but he's not there yet. If you make visitation difficult ....he won't get to that point soon enough either. If he can see her and hold her in his arms ..... a bond will hopefully develop.. but you are preventing that from happening.

 

The sooner you submit your evidence of her mental illness.. The better. Then you can have her excluded from being with your DD or you'll know she's absolutely sane and you can all move forward.

 

You don't need to concern yourself about him having other affairs... he was only looking for an affair when he met you..not a solemate. If he has 20 more affairs what does that have to do with you? Nothing at all. It's none of your business.

 

I'd like to think that after this affair resulted in a baby that wasn't planned and will cost him quite a lot $$$$ over the next 18 years.....that he won't go down that path again. It's a very expensive lesson for what he intended to be a fun thing outside his marriage.

[noelle303]

He doesn't. This is all at the behest of his wife. I don't want him in my daughters life only because his wife is telling him to. I don't need him to begrudge or resent having to acknowledge baby. I'd rather him back out now and admit this is all her trying to push for a 'relationship' --- it's better to raise her without him than raise her with him when he acts as if he doesn't want her around or she sees clear cut favoritism of his other daughter.

 

My fear is he may even be using baby as a distraction. He may be placating his wife and consuming her thoughts and soon when they have visitation, pushing baby to her so that he can go off and be out of the house pursuing other affairs or hobbies that keep him from actually being a parent. During the course of the A he found every excuse not to be home. This woman couldn't even take care of their toddler alone, whenever xMM went to conferences she would have to fly her parents up here to help her- and mind you the daughter was in daycare for part of the day. The fact she couldn't care for her child alone for 3 days is very telling. Why the hell will I agree to visitation when I know it would be a mentally unstable woman looking after my daughter? No. Just no.

 

I'm sorry to say this but you can't make this decision for your daughter and you can't speak for her and say that she's better off without him. If he has intentions to be actively involved in her life then that should be enabled.

 

If he ends up being a crappy father, well at least she'll see it with her own eyes and make a decision that she wants to dimish or end contact with him. But she will know herself and she'll experience it. There won't be a ''What if'' moment lingering forever in her mind.

 

But if I were you, I'd stop overthinking and cooking up various conspiracy theories behind his motivation to seek out visitation, he could actually be doing it because he wants to.

 

And as far as the wife goes, if you contest visitation based on her mental stability, the court will probably look at her medical records and order a court appointed psychologist to talk with her. If nothing shows up and all you have are a few e-mails and texts, no judge will deny him visitation with his own child. And there is a reason for that - children should be given a fair chance to have a relationship with their parents if the latter is willing.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You stated that you do not want your daughter to see any favouritism in the XMM home.

 

There are many parent-child challenges ahead for you all.

 

There is the challenge of your other children going to visit their father and your youngest won't be going. Christmas gifts from him/his family that she won't be receiving. Gifts that your children exchange with each other.....is your youngest daughters half-sister going to be left out of your daughters gifts to buy for list?

 

The other poster who has decided to encourage the relationship between the XMM and their daughter had to introduce slowly as this is an attachment being made after the optimal attaching phase....infancy. Attachments for humans are best made when we are infants. It is hugely important for our psyche.

 

Also.....looking to ones lawyer for advice on what is best for ones child is like asking a bank teller what they think is wrong with your car.

[Mayday2016]

I haven't posted about my saga in quite a while. Here's an update of anyone is interested.

 

In May we had our first court date about the baby. It was fine. His lawyer told mine 'they' i.e. XMM and his wife wanted contact with the baby. His lawyer proposed we go to a park or somewhere neutral to start off. I said nothing. Days following court xMM's wife emails me posing as him telling me she wants to see the baby. I am uneasy and email back to communicate through the court appointed website talkingparents only or on the phone so I know I'm actually talking to baby's dad. I get a response they do not agree and are dropping the idea of visitation until court next month.

 

This week we had court for mediation. Baby is now 5 months old, baby has not met dad yet. XMM and I were not allowed to mediate in the same room. My lawyer and I were in one room and xMM, his wife, and their lawyer were in another. My lawyer asked the mediator to talk to their lawyer. He presented all of our evidence xMM wife is bipolar, she stalked me, etc. his lawyer knew. His lawyer said he consulted her when he was dating me because he wanted to divorce his wife but when I told him I was pregnant he dropped it and went back into the marriage. XMM's lawyer knew about the hospitalization of the wife, the violence, and how aggressive her bipolar was. Everything my lawyer said she was prepared for. However, their lawyer asked when I moved to my apartment. XMM did not confess to either of them he asked me to rent the apartment 14 months ago so his wife was under the guise it was a fairly recent move. My lawyer pulled up documents listing my apartment address from August of last year and I think XMM's lawyer started to realize the full spectrum of what was going on after a while.

 

Anyway. XMM is too busy to start visitation with baby until mid July. By then she will be almost 7 months old. His wife is not allowed to be present BUT neither am I. His wife views me as a threat to their marriage so XMM and I can never email or call to arrange baby time. We have to call a facility with our schedules. The facility then calls us with a chosen day. I get there and enter through one door at a specific time, he gets there and enters through a separate door. He goes in one room and I another. A facility worker takes baby from me and brings baby to him. XMM and I are never again allowed to even look at each other. In court he entered first and I minutes later. I was made to exit first then go to the parking lot and leave before he even exited the building. This is how our coparenting will go for the rest of the foreseeable future. We are never allowed to speak, look, or be within a few feet of each other. A part of me knows it isn't just XMM wife request but his request, too. It makes it easier for him to be rid of me completely. As far as baby he hasn't met her and is just "too busy" to start his once a week visits until over a month from now; he doesn't want them, his wife wants him to have them. We go back to court in September for a second mediation to accomplish God knows what.

 

So that's all that has happened. Baby is teething and so cranky but she is so beautiful and alert, I wish I could post photos but I love my anonymity.

Edited June 10, 2016 by Mayday2016

[privategal]

I love how he gets to pick when its convenient for him to get to meet his own flesh and blood.

Seriously, ugh.

[Mayday2016]

I love how he gets to pick when its convenient for him to get to meet his own flesh and blood.

Seriously, ugh.

 

 

His lawyer looked at me and said it was due to him being on sabbatical. I wanted to retort that he laid in my bed last August discussing how he had talked to the dean about his marital issue and his mom's declining health as a means to get that sabbatical, that it's not some new thing. XMM also picked the facility in the city of his choice. I've moved in full time with my family 90 mins away (one way) it's 180 minutes round trip. His lawyer was arguing that to make xMM drive 30 mins to the facility in the city I prefer is inconvenient for him. I argued it's inconvenient for my 5 month old baby to drive 3 hours in a car just so he can have his 10 minute visit with her before she starts crying for me. His lawyer did not enjoy that I showed my lady-balls on that one. But when it comes to baby, I will fight for her needs over my own.

[bathtub-row]

Is child support being discussed in these sessions?

 

I guess under the circumstances, the arrangement works in order to make his wife comfortable that the affair has ended and won't start up again. But what a cold situation. Personally, I think if visitation is dependent solely on him, it'll never happen. This man is showing you his true colors. It's a shame that he can't just own up to the situation and make the best of it.

[Mayday2016]

Is child support being discussed in these sessions?

 

I guess under the circumstances, the arrangement works in order to make his wife comfortable that the affair has ended and won't start up again. But what a cold situation. Personally, I think if visitation is dependent solely on him, it'll never happen. This man is showing you his true colors. It's a shame that he can't just own up to the situation and make the best of it.

 

 

 

Great question. His lawyer took a $10k credit off for his 3 year old. She tried to take an additional $12k credit off for his daycare expenses. The magistrate was like- no. So I get 1/8 of his monthly reported paycheck to care for our daughter plus his health insurance. He pays me back child support at a staggering $25/week to catch up for 5 months of non-support, it'll be caught up in 120 weeks... His lawyer also said his LLC is his trust it it is run by a board of trustees so my daughter isn't entitled to any of the 'income' generated. She was a typical lawyer making my lawyer out to be a skeezeball interested in money. No. We are just aware xMM has revenue streams besides his income because he's paying his child support out of the friggin trust account.