His wife texted me asking to meet- what do I do? [Updated 2016-12-2]

[LivingWaterPlease]

My thoughts on this very hot mess............

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^

This post is great advice.

 

Except for the breastfeeding schedule, I agree. Imo, a year is a good time allotment to breastfeed but believe it's an individual choice.

 

Also, Mayday2016, there are posters who are advising you to "work with BW." Whatever you do, do not respond to texts, phone calls or emails from BW/WH or meet with them. Consult with your attorney about this issue and he/she will advise you the same, I guarantee it. Work with BW only through your attorney. That is why you have hired an attorney. I cannot over emphasize the importance of this to you.

 

Also, write everything down. Record EVERYTHING. Ask you attorney about this, too. I can also assure you your attorney will advise you to do this. It's a simple thing to do and will cause you no stress or anxiety. In fact, it should alleviate stress for you to do so. This puts you in a position of strength and is a very basic tenet of being involved in any type of legal maneuvering.

 

Put a notebook in one place and keep it there so you don't have to hunt for it. When something happens, such as receiving a text or phone call from BW, go write down the time and date and exactly what the text or phone call said, verbatim. It would also be prudent to keep a record on your computer so that you have two places where it's recorded.

 

Prayers for you today! Chin up! You are doing so well with all you have on your plate!

[Cloudcuckoo]

So far his wife has shown nothing but dignity, accountability and compassion towards you. You filed for CS and she's trying to make that happen and also let you know they want a relationship with his daughter. I think you need to cut her some slack.. especially having been a BW before yourself.

 

I know you've a lot on your plate right now... but a little bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

 

I do feel she's stuffed either way... she calls your lawyer and she's accused of racking up a high bill...she texts you and she's accused of manipulation. The poor woman hasn't done ANYTHING wrong and is trying her best given what she's facing.

 

Things will work smoother if you work with her on this..... and in turn you'll be less anxious able to focus on your baby girl. Babies can sense when their moms are uptight... so relax and calm down May.☺

 

I tend to lean toward the employment of a little empathy too...

 

I'm sure it's quite shocking for you Mayday, to have the reality of this man's wife thrust at you when what you really wanted was for just him to be involved, but unfortunately she is a very real presence as she appears to find something as irresistible as you do about this revolting individual, though for the life of me I fail to identify what that might be!

 

I completely understand your instinctive desire to protect your little one, as Mothers we are lionesses are we not? It might be prudent of you to keep in mind that she is a Mother too, and I very much doubt she would want to see any detriment to what is essentially her stepdaughter, and a step sibling to her own children.

 

I haven't seen anything remotely like animosity toward either you or your little girl to date, more a feeling of resignation and possibly sympathy as her husband has treated you BOTH abominably.

 

The fact that he has made such disparaging remarks about her mental health are not verified truths, and as such give no grounds for judgement of her in reality.

 

For what it's worth, and I am no more than a spectator here, I imagine it must be terribly hard to navigate a situation where ones husband has created a new life outside of the marriage, no matter any assumptions made of the state of that marriage, and it appears she might be trying to put your daughter first as a responsible Mother herself despite her husband's vile behaviour.

 

Something tells me if you leave well alone, the legals will resolve all this angst for you dear Mayday, and you need only do what Mums do....love your little one and enjoy watching her grow..

 

Wishing you the speediest resolution at this difficult time.

 

Cuckoo x

[dreamingoftigers]

OP, it's a little confusing that you've gone to such self disrespecting lengths to attract and retain the father of the child, who has been unsupportive, uninterested and outright deadbeat....

 

......but then the BW comes along offering empathy, support and trying to follow your lead on what to do for your daughter and you are acting as though she's crazy or something.

 

Do you not see that?

[sandylee1]

By work with her.. I mean do what you need to get documents sorted and CS going. That's what you wanted. Most BWS in this situation just want an OW who won't threaten their marriage (by wanting their husband) or cause other trouble.

 

I'm not suggesting you become best mates with her......although I have heard of this once both realised the man was a waste of time and they ensured the half siblings (not step siblings as some have said ) have a close relationship.

[whichwayisup]

No. I sent the papers to his work, both sets. My lawyer even wrote him a nice but firm letter saying we will be very discreet about all this. I had no intention of xMM's wife finding out and if she did, I did not want to be the one to tell her. But the papers never went to their home. Nothing ever did. Even when he requested the new set, HE too requested they go to his work address

 

Not sure how you (both) thought she'd never find out about her husbands baby with you? For him to be a part of the baby's life and pay you CS? Unless you assumed that the A was going to continue and hide everything from her?

 

Either way, he told her or she found out on her own.

[stillafool]

I'm not trying to sound mean or angry or paranoid. I'm just a new mom doing my best to cope with having been through a pregnancy and delivery and the first weeks alone. It has been just me getting up every 2-3 hours with baby, changing every diaper, doing everything. I'm very physically exhausted but dealing with the hurt from xMM I am emotionally spent too. I loved this man and he hurt me, down right just hurt me.

 

I certainly understand you must be exhausted and you need someone to help you. Is your sister nearby to assist you?

 

You have to understand you have had 10 months to process all of this and his wife has only had 4 days. Can you imagine how her world has come crashing down around her of no fault of her own? She has been hurt by MM far more because he's the one who married her, took vows, had a family and now this? She also loves this man and they have built a life around each other. He definitely down right hurt her.

 

I don't know BW just what xMM has said. When she discovered the affair in September she went out and bought a 3rd dog. When she discovered the affair had resumed and there's a baby, I feel like either she's going to hurt me for stabbing her in the back again or she's going to use my baby to heal her sounds like she did with the dog.

She doesn't want your baby, she has her own. I don't know how you can compare a dog to a baby TBH. She wants to deal with this as maturely as possible for her own little girl. You need someone to come over and take care of the baby while you get some sleep. Do you have anyone to help you? Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting ~6

[Sub]

Not sure how you (both) thought she'd never find out about her husbands baby with you? For him to be a part of the baby's life and pay you CS? Unless you assumed that the A was going to continue and hide everything from her?

 

Either way, he told her or she found out on her own.

 

It would take a great deal of naïveté to think that the W wouldn't find out. I would guess that Mayday didn't actually believe that, or it was something considered only in the vacuum of the "fog".

[stillafool]

Not sure how you (both) thought she'd never find out about her husbands baby with you? For him to be a part of the baby's life and pay you CS? Unless you assumed that the A was going to continue and hide everything from her?

 

Either way, he told her or she found out on her own.

 

He probably told her because it was eating him alive. You can't possibly hide a baby and he knew it. Lord only knows what he told her about OP and how this ended up happening. You can bet he tried to look as innocent as possible but something tells me this isn't his first ride in the cheating rodeo and his wife probably knows it.

[Ms. Faust]

He probably told her because it was eating him alive. You can't possibly hide a baby and he knew it. Lord only knows what he told her about OP and how this ended up happening. You can bet he tried to look as innocent as possible but something tells me this isn't his first ride in the cheating rodeo and his wife probably knows it.

 

Yeah, I think he told his wife because there is no way in hell hundreds of dollars would be leaving their bank account every month without her noticing.

 

I suspect he had his little personal banking account for his AM/dating sign ups, but he probably doesn't have enough in that alone to cover CS payment every month without dipping into joint funds/investments.

 

That would be my guess.

[goodyblue]

Looking at 16 pages of back and forth on this post... we can argue all we like, each of us, but you need to TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY. Don't listen to anyone else, not us, not your friends or family, just your attorney. They do this every day, they are trained to be your advocate. Please, just ditch this thread and call your attorney. Let us know what they say.

 

Best of luck to you and your little family. X

[sandylee1]

Mayday

 

If it helps to talk.. then by all means do so. This is a public forum and you've every right to post here without being told otherwise.

 

Your attorney will be there to process the paperwork and take care of that.. but he/she isn't going to want to know about the emotional side of things or be able to share their views /give advice on that front.

 

Take care

[PickledHead]

I concur with the posters who say do not meet with this lady.

 

She has made the request and since then openly text you, consulted her own lawyers and is communicating with yours so, to me, there doesn't seem to be anything underhand going on or ulterior motives.

 

If the BS wants to reconcile with her husband then, in my opinion, she is doing things right. With the affair and the baby out in the open this affects her life massively. Your baby is going to be a part of her husband an her own child's life forever. Her money is going to be used to support your baby. If I were her then I would also much rather be a part of the picture.

 

I doubt she is going to sit back and just leave her husband and daughter to play happy families with the woman who had an affair with her husband! I certainly couldn't do that. Her other option is to do everything she can to stop them having contact with your daughter and then she would most likely be resented for it in the future

 

She is in a no win situation really and is probably doing what she thinks is for the best. I also think she is making it clear to all parties that she is in control from their side and let's face it who wouldn't. The affair will have taken a lot from her and maybe this is her way of regaining some control of her own life.

 

There is no need to meet with her, leave it in the hands of your lawyers and enjoy your baby. You don't want to be looking back at the first few months of her life an it being a blur of confused emotions and hard feelings.

 

I have been both BS and OW so I am just trying to put my opinion across so if I sound like I am being critical, I'm not

[ladydesigner]

I concur with the posters who say do not meet with this lady.

 

She has made the request and since then openly text you, consulted her own lawyers and is communicating with yours so, to me, there doesn't seem to be anything underhand going on or ulterior motives.

 

If the BS wants to reconcile with her husband then, in my opinion, she is doing things right. With the affair and the baby out in the open this affects her life massively. Your baby is going to be a part of her husband an her own child's life forever. Her money is going to be used to support your baby. If I were her then I would also much rather be a part of the picture.

 

I doubt she is going to sit back and just leave her husband and daughter to play happy families with the woman who had an affair with her husband! I certainly couldn't do that. Her other option is to do everything she can to stop them having contact with your daughter and then she would most likely be resented for it in the future

 

She is in a no win situation really and is probably doing what she thinks is for the best. I also think she is making it clear to all parties that she is in control from their side and let's face it who wouldn't. The affair will have taken a lot from her and maybe this is her way of regaining some control of her own life.

 

There is no need to meet with her, leave it in the hands of your lawyers and enjoy your baby. You don't want to be looking back at the first few months of her life an it being a blur of confused emotions and hard feelings.

 

I have been both BS and OW so I am just trying to put my opinion across so if I sound like I am being critical, I'm not

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Just let your lawyers deal with this. It's unfortunate that everyone is in the positions they are in and I feel bad for both the OP and the BS.

 

The WS in this scenario is a real creep and has been orchestrating this whole ordeal.

 

Being a BS I would never stay with a WS who fathered a child with someone else. I would never want my children to know they had another sibling that is half related. The whole thing is absurd. While I understand you want your child to have a father in their life, I'm not sure this is the man that should do it.

 

If I were the OW I would not want my child being handed off to the BS and WS. I just could not handle having to split 50/50 with someone who was not looking out for my best interest.

 

OP take care of you and your precious one. I would do anything for my children they are miracles and you are blessed to have a healthy child. Love that child with all your heart and leave this saga behind you. I feel it will only bring you unnecessary pain.

Edited March 1, 2016 by ladydesigner

[Mayday2016]

Can I just share some good news on the baby front? We had her 2 month check up, she is exclusively breastfed and was born 'premature' at 36 weeks. Today she was 11.8 lbs (64%) and 24" long (94%) - the nurse thought her length was incredible, she's 9 weeks and already in 6 month sleepers. She looks great, I need to keep her on Zantac though and now I have to fully cut soy out of my diet too as her milk protein allergy is leaving her with s really bloated belly. But she smiled at the doctor! These baby smiles are incredible and help make this crap easier to deal with.

[bathtub-row]

Can I just share some good news on the baby front? We had her 2 month check up, she is exclusively breastfed and was born 'premature' at 36 weeks. Today she was 11.8 lbs (64%) and 24" long (94%) - the nurse thought her length was incredible, she's 9 weeks and already in 6 month sleepers. She looks great, I need to keep her on Zantac though and now I have to fully cut soy out of my diet too as her milk protein allergy is leaving her with s really bloated belly. But she smiled at the doctor! These baby smiles are incredible and help make this crap easier to deal with.

 

Baby smiles are very sweet. Good to hear that she's flourishing!

[HappyAgain2014]

Why am I suddenly so scared though? Why am I scared that this woman will want my baby? Is that crazy to think? He said she's bipolar and insane, he's a known liar though so I don't trust either of them. I'm just floored she seems so straight forward and her responses were so well written after learning he was with me for as long as he was and as often as he was. I'm suddenly on high alert.

 

This is a very serious issue. If he said she was mentally ill to get in your pants, that's one thing. I'd get to the heart of that before I would even consider sharing custody knowing this woman would be caring for my child.

[HappyAgain2014]

I'm all for being truthful with the BS however this is far too complicated for a discussion. Additionally, you have an attorney. Your attorney would not advise you to speak to either of them at this point.

 

Let the legal system play out. Get a parenting coordinator to help you with custody/parenting time issues. There may be a time to build a relationship with the BS but that cannot happen until it's all about your daughter. Right now, you're in love with her husband and she will pick up on that. It has to be just about the baby, not him.

 

On a side note, you can turn off the setting that shows you read messages on iMessage.

[goodyblue]

I'm all for being truthful with the BS however this is far too complicated for a discussion. Additionally, you have an attorney. Your attorney would not advise you to speak to either of them at this point.

 

Let the legal system play out. Get a parenting coordinator to help you with custody/parenting time issues. There may be a time to build a relationship with the BS but that cannot happen until it's all about your daughter. Right now, you're in love with her husband and she will pick up on that. It has to be just about the baby, not him.

 

On a side note, you can turn off the setting that shows you read messages on iMessage.

 

I found it curious that the BS said she had spoken with OP's atty. That would never happen, conflict of interest esp. If they have an atty also... doesn't ring true.

[whichwayisup]

I found it curious that the BS said she had spoken with OP's atty. That would never happen, conflict of interest esp. If they have an atty also... doesn't ring true.

 

She needed something about the paperwork resent. And I'm betting it's both her and her husband speaking to the lawyer, or at least with his blessing. Seems some of you are still painting exMM's wife as the bad apple here and trying to manipulate or pull the wool over may's eyes. They've had a few texts, it is possible she meant her lawyer had spoken to May's lawyer.

[whichwayisup]

Can I just share some good news on the baby front? We had her 2 month check up, she is exclusively breastfed and was born 'premature' at 36 weeks. Today she was 11.8 lbs (64%) and 24" long (94%) - the nurse thought her length was incredible, she's 9 weeks and already in 6 month sleepers. She looks great, I need to keep her on Zantac though and now I have to fully cut soy out of my diet too as her milk protein allergy is leaving her with s really bloated belly. But she smiled at the doctor! These baby smiles are incredible and help make this crap easier to deal with.

 

Can I ask? Have you tried to contact exMM through texts to let him know about the 2 month check up? Or are you sticking to NC with him until things are sorted out with the lawyers.

[bathtub-row]

I found it curious that the BS said she had spoken with OP's atty. That would never happen, conflict of interest esp. If they have an atty also... doesn't ring true.

 

These are my thoughts on this stuff concerning xMM and his wife -- I think xMM told his wife that Mayday is a sappy, emotionally-driven girl who doesn't have a lick of sense, and is someone who is easily conned. I think Mayday has surprised him by filing for child support, and by her limited reactions to the things that they're doing.

 

I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of xMM's wife, however, no woman in her right mind would be supporting her idiot husband just days after such a hard blow, nor should she think extending the olive branch to Mayday would come across as sincere. She may be sincere but it's extremely hard to believe and she should understand that "liking" her husband's baby by another woman would ring false to anyone. Not only that, it would set off alarm bells. I don't know exactly what game they're playing but I do think it's a game. Mayday is smart to stay quiet and let her lawyer take the wheel.

Edited March 2, 2016 by bathtub-row

[Mayday2016]

Can I ask? Have you tried to contact exMM through texts to let him know about the 2 month check up? Or are you sticking to NC with him until things are sorted out with the lawyers.

 

 

Total no contact right now.

[minimariah]

I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of xMM's wife, however, no woman in her right mind would be supporting her idiot husband just days after such a hard blow, nor should she think extending the olive branch to Mayday would come across as sincere.

 

i think i can understand the BS's actions to some degree, her staying is really not that crazy or rare as you seem to think it is. this isn't his first affair and it seems as if she somehow accepted is as a part of their marriage; the reason she's staying is probably their little daughter and his already "strained" relationship with the MM; i assume the BS, just like the OP, wants her daughter to have a father and will feel guilty if she divorces him and they end up having no relationship. NEVER underestimate the power of that. liking the OP's pictures to me seems as some kind of sign from her side to the OP that she knows; so the message wouldn't come as s total shock. the BS is doing the right thing, sincere or not. she reached out with the olive branch and is playing fair for now. that might change in the future OR not.

 

the OP has two choices 1. be quiet and leave it to the lawyers OR 2. play with kindness and be fair, too. anything other than that will paint her as this bitter and immature OW refusing this olive branch and it's a really bad look.

 

the BS is probably herself in this situation for the first time and has no idea what's she doing, she is probably as confused as the OP so that's why her reactions seem odd.

[sandylee1]

These are my thoughts on this stuff concerning xMM and his wife -- I think xMM told his wife that Mayday is a sappy, emotionally-driven girl who doesn't have a lick of sense, and is someone who is easily conned. I think Mayday has surprised him by filing for child support, and by her limited reactions to the things that they're doing.

 

I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of xMM's wife, however, no woman in her right mind would be supporting her idiot husband just days after such a hard blow, nor should she think extending the olive branch to Mayday would come across as sincere. She may be sincere but it's extremely hard to believe and she should understand that "liking" her husband's baby by another woman would ring false to anyone. Not only that, it would set off alarm bells. I don't know exactly what game they're playing but I do think it's a game. Mayday is smart to stay quiet and let her lawyer take the wheel.

 

Many women do stay and support their husbands in this situation.. more than one may think.

My friends MIL actually raised an OC after the younger mom just wanted to party all the time. He calls her mom and his bio mom her name.

 

SOME wives just take the view that It isnt the child's fault and dont want the child to suffer ...as a result of 2 careless parents.

 

The thing is you never know what the BW has gone through herself...Prior to the affair and child. One BW I was supporting said she was an OC herself and her married mother (who had the affair) was pretty much snubbed and kicked out by her H. She didn't want to see another kid go through what she went through.

 

One BH said his own mom was an OC. so when his wife got pregnant by another man ...he stayed and raised the child as his own .... he supported his wife and loved the baby in spite of everything.

 

People's backgrounds and experiences make all the difference.

[goodyblue]

She needed something about the paperwork resent. And I'm betting it's both her and her husband speaking to the lawyer, or at least with his blessing. Seems some of you are still painting exMM's wife as the bad apple here and trying to manipulate or pull the wool over may's eyes. They've had a few texts, it is possible she meant her lawyer had spoken to May's lawyer.

 

Frankly I think OP should take care of her own best interests, not knowing what the BS has in mind. Nobody knows her motives, they may be good or bad.

 

I am glad they both have attorney's and I hope they go through the proper channels. I hope OP doesn't listen to the rhetoric on here, it is fine to vent here, but follow the advice of a professional.

 

It seems to me that you are the one trying to convince us that the BS motives are pure when you are as much in the dark as the rest of us and have nothing more to offer than our random guessing.

 

Which is why I believe the OP should follow the advice of her attorney and not random internet strangers.