Up-date Dad may go to a homeless shelter

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry about your loss. May she rest in peace.

 

Addicted are not in their right mind, they don't want to fix themselves because they are not in their right mind.. We might hate them for the things they do themselves, but that won't solve their problem.

 

I find my own mentality towards my food compulsion is "if I fix myself, then I won't get to eat whatever I want."

 

It's very counter-intuituve. "If I get happy with life and life healthily, then I can't partake in the thrill of temporary unhealthy stuff." But it's such a pull.

 

OP shouldn't be made to be responsible to enable his father's further self-destruction.

[BlueIris]

I'm so fed up with my father's behavior. He's being evicted from his apartment, and says he will have to go to a homeless shelter. He didn't pay his rent on a number of occasions.

 

Me: I pay my rent, im focusing on my health and fitness goals, and my work. This is what i plan to do today...and now i have this crap in the back of my mind. I AM SO FED UP AND ANGRY WITH HIM I HATE MY FATHER.

 

I'm just so ****ing mad. He always calls me when there is a problem, and there is always a problem with him. He's either broke, depressed, on drugs..broke again. I'm so tired of it.

 

And the worst part, the guilt is on me, because i will feel it's partly because of me that he's going to a shelter. Even though, i know it's all because of him. It's still just a natural thought i have.

 

I don't even have a room for him. I don't know how i can be at peace knowing he's going to be in a shelter. It's not a good place. But the *******, didn't pay his rent, and some how now it's my problem. I can't stand him.

 

It's not fair, other people's parents don't put their kids through this stuff...well at least the friends i know, their parents don't do that to them. It just makes me so bitter, and jelous, yes jelous, i said it...to converse with other people, young people, who don't have a care in the world...ah, im not explaining myself here. Sorry. I just have to rant...and I don't know what to do?

 

My dad is 75 years old...he's not a young guy either.

 

Thank you for reading this, and if anyone can suggest something please do. Thank you.

 

It's SO difficult to deal with a dysfunctional family member who creates crises over and over, no matter how or why they do it. Suggestion #1 is, don't feel guilty. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. You can't make him change, quit drugs, become responsible, even realize how his problems effect you and other people. If you assume responsibility for his dysfunction, your emotional and financial resources will fall into the same black hole his have. One of the hardest things to do is realize that someone who you love- or loved- is choosing to destroy himself. Other suggestions- maybe read Codependent No More, go to a Al-Anon meeting or two, or read or post at the Sober Recovery Friends and Family Board.

 

Good luck. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful.

Edited February 19, 2016 by BlueIris

[DatingDirection]

Thank you SO MUCH for all of your feedback. I really don't know what's going to kill me more, figuratively speaking...not having my dad stay with me, and knowning he's in a shelter...or having him stay with me, wondering who is may bring into my place...or where he is if he disappears...how can i sleep at night wondering about these things...

 

Push comes to shove, i don't think im having him stay with me. In this event...how can i plan to move forward and gain control over his finances, and how can i get him on a list for government housing? I have 1 week before he has to leave his place.

 

I also have my own responsibilities to take care of as well, while i do this.

 

BTW: last time something happend, I ended up taking him all over the city to get him into rehab for his addiction, he refused to go where i wanted him to go...and we ended up no where. I just feel like taking my fist and bashing him over the head, telling him to wake up.

 

Yes, he has a mental illness, and im sympathetic towards him, but he doesn not take the help he needs to take for him to get better. He's constantly crying out im sick, help me help me, he gets help for a few days, then goes back to his old ways...it's really annoying. I

 

I just want to live my life happy and guilt free...and i want to feel normal myself dispite the fact my father is not normal.

 

I've asked alot of advice on here about dating, this is a side note, but it's related in a way...Often, i've had guys ask me about my family, where i grew up, or where my parents are...what am i suppose to tell them?

 

Anyways, this is just a small part of this whole mess, but thinking about my own future, and my present really depresses me at times, because of who my parents are.

 

I'm trying to better my future.

[RecentChange]

Your parents aren't your future.

 

My two siblings and I are all successful in our careers, relationships and life in general despite our mother. If anything she taught us what NOT to do!

 

As for next steps it's hard.... Would he coorpate with you to set up a joint bank account, and have his bills sent to your house - where you could handle them? That's what we did. It was the streets or cooperate and my mom cooperated.

 

Do you have any other siblings that could help with the load? We split up duties. My bro handles the money. I do the checking in and help arrange Dr visists etc. My sister does a bit (although less, she experienced the most abuse at her hands, and isn't so egar to help).

 

And I know the guilt, it's hard, but you did not make this bed he is lying in.

 

And I mean it about the anger. Reminded me of a Mark Twain quote:

 

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored, than anything on which it is poured.

 

You can be sad. Fustrated. But try to let go of the anger.

 

As what to tell dates - I say "my mom is CRAZY, let's leave it at that"

[AMJ]

I really do feel your current situation, and have to say it's easier if you can find other family members- aunts or uncles even?- to help share this burden. To ask you to take this on, all on your own, is really just too much. That said, what city do you live in? I've been known to be pretty skilled at navigating social services and resources, and am happy to help you search for options as to where to find help/housing for him.

 

Again, I completely agree with RecentChange's advice. And her story is proof that it's beneficial to enlist other family members to help..

 

As for your own life- it's absolutely the right thing to be focusing on as well. I spend all of my sessions in therapy talking about my mom or dad and then around ten minutes until the end she says- so what are you doing to take care of yourself? My reaction- UGH. I have to think about taking care of ME right now, too? I can barely handle trying to fix my parents. But she's right, I need to take care of myself, and so do you.

 

And what to tell men while dating. I'm literally worrying about the same thing. Do I have to put off dating altogether because I'm knee-deep in family drama and who wants to get involved in that? I asked my therapist this same question. Because, I don't want to be dishonest about my family, or withhold anything. She said, well it's not like people need to know all these details until they're an important part of your life, right?

 

Which I take to mean, yep. I need to keep it all a giant secret, until someone I date becomes serious.

 

You can get through this! Again, sending you strength and courage.

[Ferret]

It's not fair, other people's parents don't put their kids through this stuff...

 

 

Your not alone my bfs mother has like 6 evictions under her name she moves hoards into her houses she rents and then never pays the rent as a result we had our 2 bed apartment invaded this past summer they showed up last min packed out our garage with EVERYTHING from a 5 bed house...then she had the balls to also bring about 8 others with her..

 

Sadly in the end they started trashing my property bad as it felt and hard as it was I had to stand up to her and kick them all out even the two poor kids his jackazz sister uses as anchor baby's to get what she wants..

 

Bottom line you cant allow others to dictate your life if they refuse to take care of their own. If hes in his 70s then maybe speak to a social worker the fact hes on and off drugs they might be able to get him into a home or something at the least a rehab im sorry your going tho this I know how bad it sucks..

[DatingDirection]

So, Dad had me worry again...I called him just to check up on him, see how he's doing/coping. He tells me he's found a new apartment. He didn't call me, I had to call him. He's quick to call me for HELP HELP HELP yet again, but takes his sweet time to not bother to let me know he's found a place to live.

 

As side from this part. His new apartment will cost him double the amount that his old apartment was. I am afraid yet again, how will he manage his money? How will he live completely on his own, because his old apartment had many people his age in it. And again, the area is easily accessable to drugs.

 

Great...more trouble ahead. Just venting here. Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

So sorry he's doing this. Hang in there. It's obvious you are a caring daughter. It's hard when they make bad decisions.

[DatingDirection]

Thank you Btw, between this stress, and my tonsils...and my recent weight gain...it's all a bit overwhelming..and i think adds to why i put on 4lbs in the last week.

[AMJ]

Ha! Of course they call when they need help, but then never let you know when things are okay. Typical narcissist behavior! It's been helpful for me to read about sociopaths, since my dad is one. I had always heard that term and thought of a murderer or whatnot...but anyway, learning about why they are so selfish and make bad decisions helps me feel less guilty.

[anika99]

Addiction is an illness the same way that Alzheimer's is.

 

I'm not saying that it's easy to have an addict for a parent but saying you f-ing hate your dad who has an illness is cold.

 

The OP is venting and his/her feelings are perfectly understandable. They probably don't really hate their father because if that were true they wouldn't be here posting about feeling responsible if their father ends up homeless. He/she is obviously concerned about what happens to their father or they wouldn't be talking about it, they just wouldn't care.

 

OP I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I understand how difficult it is to clean up the messes left by a person with an addiction. It sucks!! At his age he may have more going on then just alcoholism and he clearly can't manage his own life. Definitely look into seeing if there is some way you can take over his finances or have someone else oversee his spending. He probably doesn't have a lot of years left so as a favor to yourself don't abandon him. It's hard now but you will feel better when he's gone if you know you did your best for him. And don't feel bad for getting angry, it's normal.