How do I get over a trainwreck ex who was no good to begin with?

[TheBathWater]

I need advice on how to get over a recent breakup that ended a week ago. Despite the fact that this woman was absolutely horrible for me, I feel devastated. I have cut off all contact with her since the moment I broke up with her and I would never take her back, but I still can't help but feel down about losing what I thought was an investment in an LTR. We were only together two months, but if you want a reference for what happened, see these threads:

 

- She blamed me for her job application failure, then I dumped her and took her back, but she humiliated me on VDay and was setting up a date with a stranger she met.

 

- She had poor boundaries with men.

 

- She gave me a yeast infection.

 

I sleep an average of 3-5 hours a night only and usually wake up 3:30 am from a nightmare. The sleep issue is really bothering me. I've tried to watch what I eat, go to the gym, talk about things with my therapist and my social supports, and I've been going out with other women to try and remind myself not all women will do this to me. I don't know what else to do.

 

She works literally about 100 footsteps from my door at a nearby cafe. I'm obviously not going there and avoid walking by when I know she's working. Still, she/the betrayal is constantly on my mind. The fact that someone could seem so sweet and apparently in love with me at times, and then at other times appear so deceitful and manipulative, is an absolute mindf*ck! It makes my head spin!

 

How long is this going to go on for? I feel like an absolute fool for what I put up with her, and now for the effect it has had on me since.

 

Any advice people have would be greatly appreciated.

Edited February 26, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[amaysngrace]

Focus on her negatives and when you start getting all sick about how much it hurts, focus even more on her negatives.

[PrettyEmily77]

Give yourself time (one week is really not much at all) and put things in perspective - at least you are now well shot of her and she can't actually hurt you anymore.

 

Don't allow her to waste anymore of your thoughts on her - she's obviously not worth it.

 

I also personally wouldn't rush into any sort of relationship so soon after what you've been through; there's really nothing wrong in taking your time to get over it fully in your own terms without adding other people / extra pressure on yourself in the mix.

 

And take care of yourself

[jesslindy]

Work on yourself.

 

Get a sharpie and write all the ****ty things she did to you on your mirror, and read it everytime you pass it. Every morning, and every night before bed.

 

Write the same thing down and put it in your wallet, read it when you need it.

 

Use your pain to disconnect. Use your anger to disconnect.

 

Use your pain and anger to push your love for her into the spot of your heart that is saved for all the people who have taken advantage of you and disrespected you.

 

You'll be fine. Hang in there.

[TheBathWater]

Work on yourself.

 

Get a sharpie and write all the ****ty things she did to you on your mirror, and read it everytime you pass it. Every morning, and every night before bed.

 

Write the same thing down and put it in your wallet, read it when you need it.

 

Use your pain to disconnect. Use your anger to disconnect.

 

Use your pain and anger to push your love for her into the spot of your heart that is saved for all the people who have taken advantage of you and disrespected you.

 

You'll be fine. Hang in there.

 

Yeah, I keep a list on my phone of all the horrible things she did to me and look at it when I need to. I also talk to myself out loud sometimes to coach myself when things are rough. I make sure no one else is around when I do that!

 

Last night was rough. I walked by her cafe workplace with an attractive female friend of mine and saw her in there. I'm sure she saw me. I spent the rest of the night thinking of the good times (of course!), feeling depressed, feeling bad about how things ended, and missing her. Still, I would never go back to her after everything she put me through. She is not healthy for me. I hate that I am angry at her. I want to forgive her and let go, but right now I can't. She lied to me, and I feel humiliated, used and manipulated by her. How that girl could treat me or anyone else this way, after I actually believed how caring and honest she was, is a complete mindf*ck.

 

I'm starting to sleep a little longer and my days overall feel less overwhelming. I'm still hurting from the disappointment of the relationship not amounting to the loving, caring, honest LTR I had hoped for. I'm lonely. My appetite still sucks. And even though I'm meeting up with other women, I simply don't feel anything for anyone right now and can't force myself to. I believe it will take me some time and a focus on self-growth before I can really move on.

Edited February 27, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Satu]

Focus solely on yourself and your own wellbeing.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

[TheBathWater]

Focus solely on yourself and your own wellbeing.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

I've basically got all of these covered. I don't use social media, and we have no mutual friends. The only thing she could possibly do is text/call me or stop by my house. But after the very nasty things I said to her at last contact 1.5 weeks ago, I am pretty sure I'll never hear from her again. I was pretty harsh on her: "I hate you"; "I hope you get AIDS"; "You are the worst thing that has happened to me since I moved back to town", "Never ever contact me again". She knows she did wrong, and honestly, I think any guilt she feels has to do with being caught and called out...not because she actually cares of wants something special with me. I'll guarantee I occupy no more than a couple of minutes in her mind a day and she is recovering from the breakup just fine. I'm still in a rage when I think about it!

Edited February 27, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[spiderowl]

You will gradually come to terms with this. The mind does not cope well with contradictions. It sounds like this woman was contradictory: loving one minute, deceptive the next. This does not make logical sense and so your unconscious mind needs to work on this to be able to resolve that conflict.

 

Talking with therapist, friends, family is a good move. All will have different perspectives and some of what comes out of those discussions will help you to move forward. It is suprising how some people can be almost two different people. This in itself can feel disturbing. She had one tendency to be loving and caring and another to play around. You will get better at spotting people who have conflicting impulses and are likely to mess you around. You started out genuine and straightforward and have found not everyone is like that. It is really tough to deal with.

 

You will come out of this stronger and wiser. I think the brain is often desperate to understand what happened, especially when there is conflicting behaviour. When I was in a similar situation to you, I was driven to think about it all the time to try to figure it out. Eventually I reached a point of exhaustion and had the blinding inspiration that some people are not what we think they are and that mulling over it for years would not explain or help me to understand. At that point, I realised I needed to drop it and move on. Hopefully, you will reach that point before I did because trying to understand some people is futile.

 

There is something to be said for not giving this person 'headspace'. They messed up, behaved badly, they don't deserve your time and energy. Write her a letter venting your anger and feelings, then burn it. Do what you can symbolically to get her out of your head.

 

If she was right for you, she would have been with you now and she would not have hurt you. She is the wrong woman and someone else will have to put up with her unbalanced nature. Next time, you will meet someone who treats you well and is consistent. This woman was probably contradictory from the start.

[SixxChick]

Only two months with a horror of a human being? I suggest that you go out and dance sweetie pie.

[TheBathWater]

Only two months with a horror of a human being? I suggest that you go out and dance sweetie pie.

 

Ha! You have a point, but it's still a disappointment to lose the hope I had for a relationship. Intellectually, I know this will pass and there exists FAR better. Emotionally though, it still sucks!

[Randomlyrandomme]

Sorry, I've read most of your comments through a few posts (I feel like I know you so well )

You guys were barebacking it, and she was a NutJob, who infected you once... Have you gotten yourself tested?

[TheBathWater]

Sorry, I've read most of your comments through a few posts (I feel like I know you so well )

You guys were barebacking it, and she was a NutJob, who infected you once... Have you gotten yourself tested?

 

I did about 4 weeks after first exposure to her and came back clean. While we were still together, I actually got her set up with state health insurance and had her tested as well. The girl hadn't had a physical exam or been tested for STDs in years! Fortunately, she also came back clean (and then lambasted me afterward for persisting she get tested, because it made her feel like "a dirty rat"). I may get retested again in a couple of weeks for peace of mind, because who the hell knows what she was doing while I was with her. And yes, she is a nutjob. If she keeps up her shenanigans, I don't see her life story turning out well at all.

Edited February 28, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Satu]

She's someone who should be forgotten as soon as possible.

 

Life is too short to be spent thinking about people like her.

[TheBathWater]

She's someone who should be forgotten as soon as possible.

 

Well, you guys sure are making that reality easier for me with your comments. It helps when you hear that your intuition was right about someone and that you weren't crazy for feeling uneasy about her character. So, thanks man.

[TheBathWater]

I am embarrassed to say this but too honest with myself and in need of healing to not say it. I am feeling consumed tonight by this disaster of a relationship I experienced with this woman. Overall, things are getting easier to deal with, but tonight is rough. I keep replaying everything that happened in my head and the more I think about it the angrier and more betrayed I feel. I think this woman might have been a narcissist. I suspect she may have just been using me the whole time for selfish purposes and not really caring about my feelings at all. I feel like an absolute fool for seeing her as a decent person, for having accepted my relationship with her when it was still extant, and yet despite all of that I can't stop from wishing she would just reach out to me and apologize for everything she did and say she will change because she knows I'm worth it. I know that is not reality and will never happen, and even if it did that I know better than to take her back, and yet I still can't stop feeling this way. What more can I do to heal and move on? I am working hard and continue to do so but am reaching out now for some additional help.

[FlipMonkey]

I feel for your situation, having experienced something similar in a train wreck of a woman that has left me somewhat devastated...

 

 

I had a 10 year relationship that started off wondering and powerful, and I really felt that I had found the perfect woman who I was ready to spend the rest of my lift with... but problems started at year 7, where distance and shadiness appeared... I felt something off and thought that she may have possibly been cheating (with her boss at work which she said many glowing things about), but she eventually admitted to a drug addiction.

 

 

After the admission, she sought treatment, so I stayed and supported her, but it started again (without my knowledge) and the symptoms I thought came down to her being stressed etc - I was lied to for a good year, and eventually found out through another party after she had lost her job for stealing money to fund it...

 

 

So again, I stayed around whilst she sought treatment, but things seemed to steadily go down hill until we had to call it a day and break up.

 

 

Now I just have this pain (which admittedly is getting better), but my need to find out things has just made it worse at times - she claims she's cleaned up her act, but now I've found out through other sources that she's basically sleeping with multiple strangers each week now.

 

 

It's just left me devastated that the person I thought I knew is not the person they are now, but I still have an aching for this person I knew and want her back. Even knowing and seeing what I've seen now, there's still a part of me that wants to forgive and 'fix' things.

 

 

I believe that she's an inverted narcissist, and having cut me off, she's now getting her 'fix' elsewhere...

 

 

But what I've found for myself is to trust that the universe will look after you, and remember that you are worthy of true love from a whole person that will respect you and what you have between you. Believe that you will also be healed and whole again one day ready to find someone who isn't a train wreck...

 

 

AND most IMPORTANTLY, believe in the No Contact rules - whilst I maintained not contacting her, I did trip by finding out information on what she's up to (including receiving screenshots of her very compromising Tinder profile) - DO NOT do this - It has extended the pain for me far more than you can believe. You think knowing will help the pain, but it will only make things far worse!

 

 

I think we also get left damaged after such a relationship, and it's up to us to pick up the pieces and regain our own lives after this - it's hard work, but the amazing thing is that working through all this turns you into an even better person than you can imagine. Yes I feel great at times, but other times I feel real bad, and I just keep on moving forward trusting that I'm doing the right thing and I will come out better than ever one day!