Is this relationship worth saving?

[TheBathWater]

I've been seeing someone exclusively for two months now. We have known each other for over a year as acquaintances, which is partially why I think we transitioned so fast to exclusivity. We are very affectionate, playful, and good spirited with each other probably 93 percent of the time. The 7 percent, however, is concerning...

 

I am feeling very concerned with how unstable the relationship can feel at times, and I'm not sure I can differentiate between whether or not this is a 'normal' dramatic beginning where we are working out the kinks of fitting together, or if this is just a preview of horrors to come.

 

To start, this woman seems to only have male friends, cheated in her last LTR when things got rough, demonstrates secretive behavior with texting/Snapchat/etc..., and has innocently violated boundaries with me already (she went to the movies alone with a male friend). I posted a couple of weeks ago about these issues in more detail. Having said that, I have refrained from telling her what to do or trying to control her behavior, and have instead opted for telling her "I feel uncomfortable/insecure when _______" and just seeing how she responds. This has been met mostly with positive reassurances on her end and that she "knows close male friends don't work while in LTRs", but she continues behavior that makes me feel unsteady in the relationship and I'm not sure I'm okay with this long-term.

 

Yesterday is when things got really nasty. She got really upset because she failed to respond to a job posting in time and missed a career opportunity. She actually blamed me for this, because I failed to take the initiative to push her to complete said application. She also accused me of not taking her academic studies or career seriously, which felt like a total slap in the face. I have spent hours coaching this woman with career advice, overhauling her resume, and generally supporting her in her goals. I kind of felt like she was looking for a fight to put some distance between us so she could have more time alone (we spend 3-4 days a week together). I have wanted to talk this out with her since yesterday, but she is acting conflict avoidant, suggesting we just 'act positive' to not get more stressed out, and is responding minimally to my texts. If there's one thing I'm noticing with her - when there is conflict, she lashes out and doesn't take a team approach, but instead pulls away.

 

I am genuinely concerned that I have a very unstable relationship forming. I am not sure I can ever feel trustful and safe with her, given her friendship dynamics with males and her past infidelity. Her conflict avoidant tendencies make me even more concerned. Above all else, the nine year age gap between us is irreconcilable. I see no way that we can possibly see eye-to-eye on relationship issues at vastly different stages of life and that I'm basically setting myself up for disappointment and possibly infidelity in the long-run.

 

Having said all that, 93 percent of the relationship is good (when we're not arguing or when I don't feel insecure/unsteady). We come from similar backgrounds, are both emotionally 'in touch' people, desire similar lifestyles, share the same interests, the sex is really good, her coworkers really like me, and she often alludes to wanting a future together. She can be super sweet and kind, but man, she is not very good at conflict...at all!

 

Is this relationship worth saving? What do I do?

Edited February 10, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[LostOnes05]

I'd say communication and trust are key in all relationships. If she can't communicate effectively, it's definitely a bad sign. One thing I've learned is you can't change someone, no matter how nice you are about it or how good certain aspects of the relationship are. It comes down to mutual respect and putting effort into the relationship. If she can't respect you in the same manner, call it quits. No reason to stay in a relationship with the insecurity that she may cheat because she has in the past. And at 2 months, it would be better to end things now then to progress into 6 months and longer. But ultimately see if she wants to work on those things. If she doesn't put forth a concerted effort, find someone more suited to your needs. Best of luck!

[sagamore]

Short answer: no.

 

Long term, that 7% becomes pretty important. Time to listen to your gut and move on.

[yxalitis]

93%...

 

Like, you've used a stopwatch and measured the length of time in each state to derive this precise number.

 

Shows you have a particular mind.

As to this relationship...

Two months is nothing, you havent' even begun to feel the way thigns will develop.

If the good-times ratio really is 93.0%, I'd stick it out, and see how she responds to your comments.

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with having mostly male friends, there was a time in my life when I had far more female friends than male.

[StBreton]

Hey Tuna!

 

Ok my take is ...you really don't have a true gauge on whether a relationship has long term potential till you have a conflict ...and I'm not talking about which breakfast granola you can't decide on ... And see how each other handles conflict. On your end ...seems like you're doing a great job ... You seem to be be ahead on this element. This girl seems quite immature.

 

Also ... Just want to point out ... You've been a mentor and "crutch" for this girl ...and that can be good as a mentor but bad as a crutch ... For when the crutch wasn't there ... This girl stumbled...and shifted the blame to you! ... I see a co dependent person on her end ... Till she gains confidence in herself and takes ownership for decisions, actions and lack of actions. Are you her parent or her boyfriend?

 

If this girl does a LOT of growing up ...sounds like relationship has LTR potential. I don't see that happening very quickly. How patient are you? Do you like projects? If this girl doesn't own up to her fault in this ... Might be time to re-evaluate the potential here

Edited February 10, 2016 by StBreton

[joseb]

I'd be concerned about the way she tried to blame you for her missing a deadline. Not a good sign.

 

Perhaps she just snapped. And maybe spending 3 or 4 days together is too much too soon?

 

But definitely some things to keep am eye on...

[Acacia98]

I am feeling very concerned with how unstable the relationship can feel at times, and I'm not sure I can differentiate between whether or not this is a 'normal' dramatic beginning where we are working out the kinks of fitting together, or if this is just a preview of horrors to come.

 

Sounds like a preview of horrors to come.

 

Two main reasons:

1. She continues to put herself in situations where the boundaries between her and her male friends can dissolve easily.

2. She blames you for something (her job application) that is not remotely your responsibility.

 

Both point to emotional immaturity. She's unable to take responsibility for her own choices/actions and their consequences.

 

I can imagine a scenario where she cheats on you then blames you for not setting proper boundaries for her friendships with guys.

[TheBathWater]

Hey Tuna!

 

Ok my take is ...you really don't have a true gauge on whether a relationship has long term potential till you have a conflict ...and I'm not talking about which breakfast granola you can't decide on ... And see how each other handles conflict. On your end ...seems like you're doing a great job ... You seem to be be ahead on this element. This girl seems quite immature.

 

Also ... Just want to point out ... You've been a mentor and "crutch" for this girl ...and that can be good as a mentor but bad as a crutch ... For when the crutch wasn't there ... This girl stumbled...and shifted the blame to you! ... I see a co dependent person on her end ... Till she gains confidence in herself and takes ownership for decisions, actions and lack of actions. Are you her parent or her boyfriend?

 

If this girl does a LOT of growing up ...sounds like relationship has LTR potential. I don't see that happening very quickly. How patient are you? Do you like projects? If this girl doesn't own up to her fault in this ... Might be time to re-evaluate the potential here

 

Hey there, thanks for chiming in.

 

Yeah, I agree that she would have to do 'A LOT' of growing up for us to have a shot, unless I'm willing to tolerate being in a relationship that lacks a certain mature emotional communication/support until she grows some.

 

I do want a relationship, not a project. Right now I feel like I'm in the bad parent role with her (she avoids her impinging mother, and is physically and emotionally distant with her father who lives halfway around the world; the parents are divorced).

 

I can imagine her admitting to fault in this recent conflict. She already has through text, anyway. But it feels more like her just wanting to get out of having to process what happened, disconnect, and deny that things aren't okay between us. I feel like I'm left to feel all this pain by myself with no partner or sense of team. It sucks! Am I the only one that this lingering conflict feels important to?

 

We have not seen each other in person since Monday night when the conflict happened. I texted her an hour ago and said I still was waiting to talk about what happened Monday night. She said "Soon, probably tomorrow".

[VeveCakes]

I can't stand people who will try and decide "when" a talk will happen. She's self absorbed in my opinion. Not good.

[BlueIris]

Yesterday is when things got really nasty. She got really upset because she failed to respond to a job posting in time and missed a career opportunity. She actually blamed me for this, because I failed to take the initiative to push her to complete said application. She also accused me of not taking her academic studies or career seriously, which felt like a total slap in the face. I have spent hours coaching this woman with career advice, overhauling her resume, and generally supporting her in her goals.

 

...

Having said all that, 93 percent of the relationship is good (when we're not arguing or when I don't feel insecure/unsteady). We come from similar backgrounds, are both emotionally 'in touch' people, desire similar lifestyles, share the same interests, the sex is really good, her coworkers really like me, and she often alludes to wanting a future together. She can be super sweet and kind, but man, she is not very good at conflict...at all!

 

Is this relationship worth saving? What do I do?

 

Blaming you for her error is a big problem. That's not ok, at least in my book. I can understand her being upset at herself for flubbing up on that job opportunity but if I were you, this would be a point I'd definitely bring up with her very honestly

[Redhead14]

I've been seeing someone exclusively for two months now. We have known each other for over a year as acquaintances, which is partially why I think we transitioned so fast to exclusivity. We are very affectionate, playful, and good spirited with each other probably 93 percent of the time. The 7 percent, however, is concerning...

 

I am feeling very concerned with how unstable the relationship can feel at times, and I'm not sure I can differentiate between whether or not this is a 'normal' dramatic beginning where we are working out the kinks of fitting together, or if this is just a preview of horrors to come.

 

To start, this woman seems to only have male friends, cheated in her last LTR when things got rough, demonstrates secretive behavior with texting/Snapchat/etc..., and has innocently violated boundaries with me already (she went to the movies alone with a male friend). I posted a couple of weeks ago about these issues in more detail. Having said that, I have refrained from telling her what to do or trying to control her behavior, and have instead opted for telling her "I feel uncomfortable/insecure when _______" and just seeing how she responds. This has been met mostly with positive reassurances on her end and that she "knows close male friends don't work while in LTRs", but she continues behavior that makes me feel unsteady in the relationship and I'm not sure I'm okay with this long-term.

 

Yesterday is when things got really nasty. She got really upset because she failed to respond to a job posting in time and missed a career opportunity. She actually blamed me for this, because I failed to take the initiative to push her to complete said application. She also accused me of not taking her academic studies or career seriously, which felt like a total slap in the face. I have spent hours coaching this woman with career advice, overhauling her resume, and generally supporting her in her goals. I kind of felt like she was looking for a fight to put some distance between us so she could have more time alone (we spend 3-4 days a week together). I have wanted to talk this out with her since yesterday, but she is acting conflict avoidant, suggesting we just 'act positive' to not get more stressed out, and is responding minimally to my texts. If there's one thing I'm noticing with her - when there is conflict, she lashes out and doesn't take a team approach, but instead pulls away.

 

I am genuinely concerned that I have a very unstable relationship forming. I am not sure I can ever feel trustful and safe with her, given her friendship dynamics with males and her past infidelity. Her conflict avoidant tendencies make me even more concerned. Above all else, the nine year age gap between us is irreconcilable. I see no way that we can possibly see eye-to-eye on relationship issues at vastly different stages of life and that I'm basically setting myself up for disappointment and possibly infidelity in the long-run.

 

Having said all that, 93 percent of the relationship is good (when we're not arguing or when I don't feel insecure/unsteady). We come from similar backgrounds, are both emotionally 'in touch' people, desire similar lifestyles, share the same interests, the sex is really good, her coworkers really like me, and she often alludes to wanting a future together. She can be super sweet and kind, but man, she is not very good at conflict...at all!

 

Is this relationship worth saving? What do I do?

 

You do not spend time and emotional energy saving a 2 MONTH old relationship. There's nothing to save yet. At two months, it's not even a "relationship" yet. She's showing you who she is and very early. She's showing you that she does not deal with conflict maturely. In addition, blaming you for her failure to act on things she needs to do is inappropriate and immature as well. Neither of you should be providing support or advice, actually, for life decisions and goals achievement. You should still be interacting on a less "personal" basis. At two months you don't rely on a new dating partner for that kind of thing.

innocently violated boundaries with me already -- You are minimizing her behavior.

 

the nine year age gap between us is irreconcilable. -- If that is your position, then there really isn't anything else to consider, is there? That by itself solves your dilemma.

 

93% of the "relationship" is good and 7% is bad. If this goes further, that 93% will be whittled back to 7% eventually, it's already started chewing that up. Your gut is talking to you and you sound to be mature and focused enough to be able to trust that gut.

[Httm]

You want her to get rid of her friends because you are insecure? Sounds like you just aren't compatible.

[TheBathWater]

I went ahead and broke it off...by text, of all things! Because of so many instances of feeling unsupported and neglected by her, I tried to justify my behavior and do it that way instead of face time, which I think would feel more painful to me. Once she told me "soon, possibly tomorrow...", I lost my cool. I became tired of feeling like relational conflict mattered more to me and/or we would get to it whenever it's convenient for her.

 

I told her to forget it, that I was done, and that we were simply in different life stages and this would never work. She did call me after and left me a voicemail saying she was falling in love with me, that she was sorry, and that she would like to meet in person whether we call it quits or not. I am considering returning contact in another day or so.

 

I think maybe in hindsight everything looks different, but I find myself feeling incredibly lonely now, thinking about that 93% 'good' of times we had, and wondering if I made the right decision. On one hand, I tell myself this would just never work (for all the reasons I started this post about). On the other hand, I tell myself I'll never know unless I give her more time and the opportunity to grow with me.

 

Either way, I feel pretty awful about myself right now. I don't want her to be hurt, but I want to protect myself too. I don't know what to do next, if anything...

Edited February 12, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[joseb]

I went ahead and broke it off...by text, of all things! Because of so many instances of feeling unsupported and neglected by her, I tried to justify my behavior and do it that way instead of face time, which I think would feel more painful to me. Once she told me "soon, possibly tomorrow...", I lost my cool. I became tired of feeling like relational conflict mattered more to me and/or we would get to it whenever it's convenient for her.

 

I told her to forget it, that I was done, and that we were simply in different life stages and this would never work. She did call me after and left me a voicemail saying she was falling in love with me, that she was sorry, and that she would like to meet in person whether we call it quits or not. I am considering returning contact in another day or so.

 

I think maybe in hindsight everything looks different, but I find myself feeling incredibly lonely now, thinking about that 93% 'good' of times we had, and wondering if I made the right decision. On one hand, I tell myself this would just never work (for all the reasons I started this post about). On the other hand, I tell myself I'll never know unless I give her more time and the opportunity to grow with me.

 

Either way, I feel pretty awful about myself right now. I don't want her to be hurt, but I want to protect myself too. I don't know what to do next, if anything...

 

Everyone second guesses themselves after breaking up (well most people anyway). It's normal.

Doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.

Based on what I hear here, you have made the right choice.

You should not be in such conflict after 2 months.

[TheBathWater]

I probably need someone to kick my ass at this point...

 

I did meet up with her on Friday night to 'talk'. We wound up having sex and decided to see each other for Valentine's Day and go ahead with our plans.

 

Well, I feel like a complete idiot right now. Here's our VDay...

 

First, she woke me up with a phone call at 5:30 am asking me to bring her to work because Uber wasn't available. I brought her to work, and she actually wanted me to drop her off a block away "so her colleague waiting outside wouldn't see us together and tease her". Wtf? I dropped her off anyway. Her colleague said "aww...", but what's the big deal?

 

When she came over after work, a whole one hour later than she said she would be there, I had a bottle of wine and some art for us to do before we went to dinner. For dinner, we went to a pretty pricey place that we've both been to together before. During dinner, she laughed at how some of her friends and colleagues hate me now and how they said if they saw me come into the establishment they wouldn't serve me. I felt completely humiliated. I dropped $150 on dinner. She never said thank you.

 

When we came back to my place, I gave her a gift, a VDay card, and a single rose (which sucks because during dinner she mentioned how she hates red roses because they're "so typical"). Guess what happened after I gave her all of this? She told me she didn't get me anything! She knew the whole night we were going to exchange gifts after dinner, and she sprung that one on me saying "well, you said the other night that gifts didn't matter". I was under the impression she already bought me something. My mouth nearly hit the floor.

 

We had sex again, and it felt completely detached. When I actually told her "show me what you've got", it was the weakest performance ever. So passionless. Afterward, she didn't say a word to me, and started dozing off to sleep.

 

At this point, I was calm but assertive, and I told her how foolish I felt for not getting anything from her all day after doing everything I did, and that really all I wanted was to feel connected again and cared about - that I understood we were still trying to figure out what we're doing, but I'd still like to enjoy connecting with her in the moment. She barely listened, until I told her I think I should bring her home. Then she woke right up and talked for a few minutes. She had to work today around the corner from my apartment, so I think she was trying to save herself the early morning bus ride she would have to catch from her place.

 

She did buy me breakfast this morning. We talked and she said say she was very sorry and felt very bad about last night, that she was still confused about what she and I are doing after the week we just had, and that she just needs more time to figure it out. She said she would come over after work tonight and cook for me and give me a Valentine's card. I'm not sure if I should accept it and feel that it's sweet of her, or if I should feel like it's her giving pity and basically expect to get used and stomped all over if I stick around still.

 

At what point do I just give up? I honestly wondered at times if she is just manipulating me and emotionally abusing me. I just don't understand how you can do/say some of the things she did to me. Even before I broke up with her last week (which was basically for feeling like she didn't care about us or ever offer me emotional support), I've felt like she just doesn't know how to be mature in a relationship. I certainly am not model of perfection and need to work on the issues I bring to the relationship too, but it honestly feels so unbalanced with me doing all the leg work in every direction and her just riding along. But it's confusing as **** because she will sometimes tell me these really sweet things and how she wants a future with me, which gives me hope that things could get better and keeps me going.

 

What do I do?

Edited February 15, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Redhead14]

I probably need someone to kick my ass at this point...

 

I did meet up with her on Friday night to 'talk'. We wound up having sex and decided to see each other for Valentine's Day and go ahead with our plans.

 

Well, I feel like a complete idiot right now. Here's our VDay...

 

First, she woke me up with a phone call at 5:30 am asking me to bring her to work because Uber wasn't available. I brought her to work, and she actually wanted me to drop her off a block away "so her colleague waiting outside wouldn't see us together and tease her". Wtf? I dropped her off anyway. Her colleague said "aww...", but what's the big deal?

 

When she came over after work, a whole one hour later than she said she would be there, I had a bottle of wine and some art for us to do before we went to dinner. For dinner, we went to a pretty pricey place that we've both been to together before. During dinner, she laughed at how some of her friends and colleagues hate me now and how they said if they saw me come into the establishment they wouldn't serve me. I felt completely humiliated. I dropped $150 on dinner. She never said thank you.

 

When we came back to my place, I gave her a gift, a VDay card, and a single rose (which sucks because during dinner she mentioned how she hates red roses because they're "so typical"). Guess what happened after I gave her all of this? She told me she didn't get me anything! She knew the whole night we were going to exchange gifts after dinner, and she sprung that one on me saying "well, you said the other night that gifts didn't matter". I was under the impression she already bought me something. My mouth nearly hit the floor.

 

We had sex again, and it felt completely detached. When I actually told her "show me what you've got", it was the weakest performance ever. So passionless. Afterward, she didn't say a word to me, and started dozing off to sleep.

 

At this point, I was calm but assertive, and I told her how foolish I felt for not getting anything from her all day after doing everything I did, and that really all I wanted was to feel connected again and cared about - that I understood we were still trying to figure out what we're doing, but I'd still like to enjoy connecting with her in the moment. She barely listened, until I told her I think I should bring her home. Then she woke right up and talked for a few minutes. She had to work today around the corner from my apartment, so I think she was trying to save herself the early morning bus ride she would have to catch from her place.

 

She did buy me breakfast this morning. We talked and she said say she was very sorry and felt very bad about last night, that she was still confused about what she and I are doing after the week we just had, and that she just needs more time to figure it out. She said she would come over after work tonight and cook for me and give me a Valentine's card. I'm not sure if I should accept it and feel that it's sweet of her, or if I should feel like it's her giving pity and basically expect to get used and stomped all over if I stick around still.

 

At what point do I just give up? I honestly wondered at times if she is just manipulating me and emotionally abusing me. I just don't understand how you can do/say some of the things she did to me. Even before I broke up with her last week (which was basically for feeling like she didn't care about us or ever offer me emotional support), I've felt like she just doesn't know how to be mature in a relationship.

 

What do I do?

 

I probably need someone to kick my ass at this point... -- OK, I'll do that for you. Get a grip and do what needs to be done. You will find yourself in a never ending loop of breaking up and getting back together.

 

At what point do I just give up? -- Right now!!!!

Edited February 15, 2016 by Redhead14

[TheBathWater]

I probably need someone to kick my ass at this point... -- OK, I'll do that for you. Get a grip and do what needs to be done. You will find yourself in a never ending loop of breaking up and getting back together.

 

At what point do I just give up? -- Right now!!!!

 

I keep thinking that too, but then I wonder what if I simply overreacted the first time when I broke up with her and that we could stand a chance this time around if we play it right. If she can have more empathy and be in tune with the relationship, I think it's possible. She does show signs of this at times, but it's not consistent.

 

Do you think she is manipulating me, taking advantage of me, or emotionally abusing me?

Edited February 15, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Redhead14]

I keep thinking that too, but then I wonder what if I simply overreacted the first time when I broke up with her and that we could stand a chance this time around if we play it right. If she can have more empathy and be in tune with the relationship, I think it's possible. She does show signs of this at times, but it's not consistent.

 

Do you think she is manipulating me or emotionally abusing me?

 

I can't tell you what she is doing or thinking. All I can tell you is that you appear to be very unhappy and uncomfortable with her and aren't trusting her motives. It only been two months with this girl and there are so many "issues" already. A relationship can't be built on this kind of a foundation. You are seeing "who" she is and early. Consider yourself lucky to realize it now and move on.

 

Do you think she is manipulating me or emotionally abusing me -- I think you are feeling that way . . .

[TheBathWater]

I can't tell you what she is doing or thinking. All I can tell you is that you appear to be very unhappy and uncomfortable with her and aren't trusting her motives. It only been two months with this girl and there are so many "issues" already. A relationship can't be built on this kind of a foundation. You are seeing "who" she is and early. Consider yourself lucky to realize it now and move on.

 

I would be willing to reposition myself in relationship to her and trust in her more, but I absolutely can't do it alone. There are efforts on her end that are needed as well.

 

Do you think she is manipulating me or emotionally abusing me -- I think you are feeling that way . . .

 

But that doesn't mean she is. Yesterday I had wondered if she were taking advantage of me based on her behavior, but then I start to doubt that thought when the morning after she decides to take me to breakfast. Her signals are very mixed and confusing at times. I can't even tell if she knows she is sending very mixed signals.

 

If I didn't think there were potential, I'd walk away. I've left women plenty of times before. There is (was?) good in our relationship, but yeah, I can't see it going very far if things keep up as they have been. She has definitely stopped texting me with flirty smiles and looking at me the way she used to

 

I am just so tired of dating and being single, and people just give up so easily these days that I don't want to throw in the towel without fighting hard for us to win.

Edited February 15, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Redhead14]

I would be willing to reposition myself in relationship to her and trust in her more, but I absolutely can't do it alone. There are efforts on her end that are needed as well.

 

 

 

But that doesn't mean she is. Yesterday I had wondered if she were taking advantage of me based on her behavior, but then I start to doubt that thought when the morning after she decides to take me to breakfast. Her signals are very mixed and confusing at times. I can't even tell if she knows she is sending very mixed signals.

 

If I didn't think there were potential, I'd walk away. I've left women plenty of times before. There is (was?) good in our relationship, but yeah, I can't see it going very far if things keep up as they have been. She has definitely stopped texting me with flirty smiles and looking at me the way she used to

 

I am just so tired of dating and being single, and people just give up so easily these days that I don't want to throw in the towel without fighting hard for us to win.

 

Listen, if you can't walk away, just keep dating her and set a time limit for yourself. Like, give it another month or two, whatever you feel like, but certainly not much more than that. Don't tell her this. It's an internal clock.

 

Step back a little and continue to observe whether her behavior is improving or not. That's all you can do.

[Koans]

Ima be honest. You sound totally emotionally trapped. You're holding onto some bs fantasy. You are projecting your idealistic lala land for her to fulfill. She isnt well suited to play the character. Shes too young and immature. This biiitch aint **** and she definitely wont be your glass shoe slipper biitch. All im reading is excuses for her wishy washy behavior. I bet you she isnt agonizing this pain you feel and her manipulative behavior as much as you are. Its a power game and she got you by the balls. You cant kick sense into her. She already painted a picture of you. And shes playing with the cards that is dealt. The only best move is to do the unexpected. Disappear. The day you feel you give up. Dont tell her. Dont even let her know how you feel. You just gotta find the agreement with yourself. Vanish bro. She will come back resurfacing. But it doesnt mean shiiiit.

[TheBathWater]

Ima be honest. You sound totally emotionally trapped. You're holding onto some bs fantasy. You are projecting your idealistic lala land for her to fulfill. She isnt well suited to play the character. Shes too young and immature. This biiitch aint **** and she definitely wont be your glass shoe slipper biitch. All im reading is excuses for her wishy washy behavior. I bet you she isnt agonizing this pain you feel and her manipulative behavior as much as you are. Its a power game and she got you by the balls. You cant kick sense into her. She already painted a picture of you. And shes playing with the cards that is dealt. The only best move is to do the unexpected. Disappear. The day you feel you give up. Dont tell her. Dont even let her know how you feel. You just gotta find the agreement with yourself. Vanish bro. She will come back resurfacing. But it doesnt mean shiiiit.

 

I don't think I could just vanish on her or anyone, if nothing else, so I don't feel in the future I've broken up with someone from a place other than my highest self.

 

She did cook for me last night, surprised me with a few small gifts and a card. She picked a card out that said "I love you" in it, and she told me verbally that she loved me a few nights ago, but last night when I told her "I love you" she literally said nothing back. When I asked her later why that was, she said because she is still confused and trying to figure us out. I'm truly baffled by her sometimes.

 

I am basically approaching this like what Redhead said a few posts above... I'm giving it a month, keeping an eye on things and not really having high hopes. Until she is clear on a few things and demonstrates she can do this with me, I don't think I can invest myself in her much.

 

It is also worth mentioning she has a developmental communication disorder since childhood, and I believe that plays a big role in some of our issues. I am trying to be sensitive to it, but I also don't want to ignore my own feelings/needs.

[road]

Too many red flags dump her.

 

 

And dump the brine, and go with olive oil.

[Koans]

I've recently went through something similar and that is why I kicked game so harshly. If she is confused, let her be confused by her damn self. You don't even know if she's carrying baggage. For the record, that ol' biitch got wishy-washy and I realized I was letting her string my emotions while she was calling the shots and controlling the direction of the fuuuked up relationship. I ended up deleting the biitch. What I should of done was stop chasing and ignore her. Then she can come back on her own terms like a cat while I do my own shiiit. But from having learned very deeply from past experience from biitches I was with more seriously like your biitch, the communication department will be very elusive. On some art of war shiiit.. The key point is, she gives you no leeway to make it easier for her in communication

 

Ima tell you exactly what biiitches like her do. If you're the source of her troubles, she tells everyone else (painting you as the bad guy). If others bother her, she tells you. But she never confronts the source. And you mistaken that for good communication. While now everyone is at war as she plays victim. Wait till the day she hits the breaking point with your azz and you wondering why it came out the blue. It didnt.

 

fuuuukk what she says. mfffuuk what she does. If your gut says otherwise, its all bs. In this context, the one who cares the least, controls the relationship.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Koans

[fitnessfan365]

The only thing I will say is that I do feel you're overreacting about her going to a public movie theater with a guy friend. I mean it'd be one thing if it was a guy she had a sexual past with, and suddenly she is "Netflix and chilling" with him in private. But it seemed like a harmless trip to the movies so it comes off like insecurity on your part there.

 

In general though, she sounds HORRIBLE. She's cheated in her past (lacks integrity), is self involved, and doesn't seem to be great at communication either. So for long term, I don't see it getting any better. You've given it a few months and she's shown what type of woman she is. So I'd cut your losses. Trust me man, you'll have other options. After the updates, it seems like you're being swayed by too little too late syndrome where she'll pull out a few stops here/there. However, pay attention to her overall actions. As a whole, she sounds horrible man.

Edited February 16, 2016 by fitnessfan365