Could I have trusted him all along?

[amkxoxo]

My boyfriend and I dated for about 7 months or so. We were in a loving but dramatic relationship. He is very dramatic and I am very dramatic, so if we fought, it was like Broadway show. For a man, he was very overly dramatic, even compared to myself, who is sensitive and emotional. We always made up and things would progress in our relationship. I cared about him a lot. I always wanted the best for him. I knew he was trying to figure his life out, and I was his #1 fan. We had our fair share of issues, but balanced each other out really well. After having a few minor breakups and getting back together, I told him that if we did ever break up again, it should probably be for good.

 

During our relationship, one of the issues I had was his friendships with women. Now I am never one to be jealous. I don’t consider myself to be that type of person at all. I am usually too oblivious to be jealous, but his friendships with women were very blatant. He would introduce me to a girl friend of his and then later it would come out that they used to date. One or two is fine, but it started coming out that he either dated or was interested in multiple of his girlfriends. It made me questions whether he just likes every girl that came along. He told me he got invited by a friend to play on a local baseball team. He already played on another weekend team with different people. I didn’t think anything of it. One night he told me that a girl on this new baseball team asked for a ride home. He then proceeded to say that she hit on him and tried to make moves on him, but he told her he had a girlfriend.

 

I still didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t like that a girl went after him, but at least he pushed her away. What made me skeptical was why would she get the impression he was available, unless he made it seem that way. During this time there was much turmoil around me being friend with one of my ex’s. We saw my ex out on night and he and I chatted for a bit. I truly didn’t know he was going to be there. It was harmless. My boyfriend freaked out about it.

 

Months later it comes out that the girl who hit on him in the car after baseball was his ex-girlfriend. He kept it from me for months while he played on the team that his “friend” who asked him to join was her. He had been playing with her for months. I had no idea. And even when he told me someone hit on him, he made it seem like a random girl. I was not happy. It seemed very suspicious to me. He claimed that she didn’t know he was in a relationship, and in the past they had hooked up when they were both single so she just went for it. He said he stopped her. Why she got the impression that it was okay to make moves on him, still makes me wonder. I got over it and we moved on.

 

During our relationship he also had a long distance friend. He met her through Tumblr years ago and she lived across the country. They texted a lot and sometimes talked on the phone. He seemed to get very close with her and lean on her for support in his life. I thought it was very strange. They had met up a few times over the years, so they knew each other in person, but I still am not one for meeting random strangers online and telling them things. I questioned him about her a few times, since he still seemed to text her while we were together. He told me that she was a little interested in him, but he met me and he considered being with her before, but I came into the picture and changed things.

 

I didn’t like the thought of him considering being with her. It made me very uneasy. Like if she lived closer, would he be with me? One time while we were having a disagreement. He told me that I don’t talk to him enough while I am at work. I tried to plead with him that I can’t always talk at work etc…

 

I am not losing my job over texting my boyfriend. I love my job. He then threw out at me that “Denise sometimes leaves me voicemails just ranting or asking me questions or bringing up interesting topics, you could do that too.”

 

That was a slap in the face. He was pretty much telling me to be like this other long distance girl. I again, let it go, because a majority of our relationship was good. He is a good person and always treated me decently. Once in a while when he and I fought, we would spend time apart. When we would reconvene and talk, he would tell me how he asked other people about our fight and that they thought he was right and I was wrong. One time he mentioned her and being a person he told. Why would he go and be telling another woman about our relationship problems? I don’t go telling other men. My mother and girlfriends maybe, but not other men. She doesn’t need to know our business. Sometimes I think he would ask her because she isn’t here to know what’s really going on. She is only going to see his side. She only know him. She doesn’t know anyone else in his life. She only know what he tells her.

 

The most recent hit to my heart was a week before Valentine’s Day. He had taken work days off for V-Day and we had plans. He broke up with me. I was upset, but after breaking up a few times before, I think I was just numb. I cried once, and then I felt numb. I think I was holding off my feelings, because I just couldn’t face them. All during the week leading up to Valentine’s Day, he was bombarding me with text messages. Paragraphs about how he wants me back and he loves me and all this stuff about him being so stressed and he needs me in his life and he is going through a rough time. He even tried to invite himself over to talk to me. I talked to him calmly, and reminded him that HE broke up with me. Not the other way around. And he could have had my support and attention, if he didn’t break up with me. HE did this. Not me. Apparently he was having some deep rooted life struggle and needed me. He has tons of friends. They make up a huge part of his life. Why he couldn’t go to one of them is beyond me. I refused him. I told him I needed time and space away. I did. I needed to heal. I needed to think deeply about what I wanted. And I wasn’t going to run back to him right away to continue the back and forth games. If we broke up, we broke up. If we don’t then we stay together. I couldn’t keep going through the emotional trauma of breaking up.

 

After paragraphs and days of back and forth with him, he respected my wishes and left me be. Valentine’s Day he started trying to talk to me. I talked back. He started telling me how this should have been our day and we still love each other and we need to at least tell each other we love each other on this romantic day. It was a little bit of a game and I wasn’t playing. He kept pestering me to tell him I loved him. I could not. I was made over our breakup so I couldn’t say it, and I thought it was stupid. Again, HE broke up with me.

 

It’s been some weeks now and I have been trying to stay positive. I’ve been doing well with my job and just trying to take things in stride. I’ve had some sad times. I’ve missed him. But I am moving on. The other night I finally worked up the courage to text him. I asked him how he has been doing. He was cold in his attitude. It made me a little mad because he was the one that broke my heart. But I kept trying to keep conversation going. I asked him what he has been doing. He said he went on a little vacation for himself. I was a little surprised because he isn’t the type to do things like that. He doesn’t have a ton of money and still lives at home. When I asked where he went he told me a specific state across the country. I didn’t put two and two together, figuring he went with a friend. He told me he went alone. I was a little surprised. He tells me that between our breakup and his life stresses that he tried to tell me about he needed to enjoy himself. He had the day’s off for Valentine’s already, so why not use them. It was then that I put two and two together. That girl lives in that state. He even mentioned the area he stayed in and I know for a fact that she lives in that area. He’s told me that before. He doesn’t have family there. I know that. He flew more than 6 hours to spend Valentine’s weekend with that girl. Who does that?

 

At that point the floodgates opened and I cried and cried. That broke my heart. Who does that when you’re hurting over another girl? Who flies 6 hours to spend time with a girl for comfort and support? It was like pulling teeth to get him to go an hour and meet my family while we were together. He never got to meet them. But he spends the most romantic weekend of the year across the country with another woman? It seems too good to be true. I question if he almost kept her as a long distance side chick while we were together. It seems too coincidental. I tried to get him to tell me who he stayed with. I know it’s her, but I wanted him to admit it. He kept his answer short and not detailed at all. I asked if he stayed with some family members?

 

All he said was “I was well taken care of.” That’s so rude. Clearly he was covering it up that it was her. I literally feel like my heart was ripped out. Wednesday he was begging for me back and preaching to me that he needed me and loved me. By Friday he was on an airplane.

 

I don't know what to think. I find it inappropriate, what he did. But I also don't know if anything happened between he and that girl. I guess I am so bothered that he would meet someone online, have such trust in them to lean on them in times of need, and tell them all about our relationship. I don't need a stranger who lives a million miles away knowing about my personal life. And then when things get bad, he doesn't want to turn to his friends, he turns to her.

[Zahara]

OP, I'm confused between this guy you've dated and the other guy you've known who cannot commit to you -- past few threads.

 

In any case, you really need to work on your self-esteem and boundaries. This story alone is an indication of the BS you will tolerate just to be with someone.

 

You said, "I again, let it go, because a majority of our relationship was good. He is a good person and always treated me decently."

 

Always treated you decently? You mean when he lied to you? When he blame shifted? When he made you doubt yourself by comparing you to other women?

 

I suggest you wake up. Between this guy and the other...

[introverted1]

The most recent hit to my heart was a week before Valentine’s Day. He had taken work days off for V-Day and we had plans. He broke up with me.

 

I'm also having a hard time keeping track of your timelines and the men. In this post you said you were already broken up by Feb 2, but your timeline above is slightly different. It is hard to follow who did/said what and when.

 

In any case, if you and your bf were broken up, then he was free to visit whomever he chose. As you've mentioned in several threads, your relationship with your bf was characterized by many problems, multiple break-ups, and drama. Sometimes this can set the stage for someone being able to move on very quickly. I suppose it's possible he was eyeing her all along but, if this is the case, then it is just one more reason why it is a good thing you broke up.

 

Here's the thing: when a relationship is right, it is easy. Relationships that are characterized by lots of drama, acute highs and lows, break-ups, tears, etc., are NOT healthy. Take some time to mourn the end of this relationship and then take even more time to consider how you contributed to the problems you experienced and how you can move forward in a healthy relationship from here.

[amkxoxo]

Sorry this was confusing. This is not my ex who comes in and out of my life, whom is non-committal. This is the boyfriend that I had for about 7 months, whom I was committed to.

 

By February 2nd my boyfriend was being distant and ditching me to hang out with his friends. At that point, I knew we were pretty much broken up. My non-committal ex had been contacting me at that point and confusing the heck out of me. That Friday February 5th, my boyfriend came over and ended things with me. I was quite heartbroken, because I did care about him a lot. I had a lot going on in my life. The week after, the week of February 9th. I started getting paragraphs of text messages from my ex. He was saying he needed my support and all this stuff about being friends. I was still quite hurt so didn’t see it right to be friends a week after he broke up with me. It wasn’t even a week. It was a weekend after. He was starting to stress me out at work with his incessant messages. I told him I needed time and space to process things. He was insistent he come over and see me and talk to me. He was inviting himself over. I said no. I said he broke up with me and it’s not a good idea. He then starts going on about how he can’t just be my friend, and he knows once we see each other and touch each other that everything would be okay. He didn’t think that the Friday before when he broke my heart. I reminded him of that. He then started going on and on about at least needing me to talk to and he was going through some kind of personal struggle in his life. I felt bad. But he has tons of friends. He couldn’t lean on one of them? Plus I found this to be a ploy to come over and talk to me and try and corner me into getting back with him. After asking for time and space. He finally gave up and gave it to me. It been a couple weeks, and that is when I tried talking my him again.

 

His attitude was cold. Almost like I broke up with him, which wasn’t the case. It made me mad that he treated me like I was the one who left him high and dry. He could have had my support, my reassurance, my love, if he didn’t break up with me. You lose that privilege once you leave someone. Then he tells me he went on a little vacation to the state I know that girl lives in for Valentine’s Day weekend. How you could text the woman you claim to love all week long, and then hop on a plan to another woman’s home to stay with her is hurtful and bizarre to me. He was even texting me Valentine’s Day night begging me to tell him I loved him. He was playing a little game with me, one which I was not going to participate. He was trying to guilt me into telling him I loved him because it was a romantic holiday. Like HE broke up with ME. He might have been texting me from her house. Who knows?

 

I also needed time and space from my non-committal ex. So I have been avoiding him too. I’ve been taking time out for me, and to decide what I want in my life and what is good for me.

[Zahara]

I’ve been taking time out for me, and to decide what I want in my life and what is good for me.

 

And place 100% of your energy into this and block these idiots. It should be an eye-opener to you seeing that you've gone from one idiot to another. You need to stay away from men for a bit to help you clear the cloud you're in. Otherwise, you're going to keep replacing one jerk for another.

[greenly24]

I’m sorry you had your feelings hurt. It sounds like thishas been a really hard time for you. No one deserves to be disrespected, and itseems like you feel like you have been. I know you said that he has friends hetalks to you, but is there a friend in your life that you can really talk to?Sometimes it just feels better to vent to someone who knows a little more aboutthe situation. In the meantime though, I’ll be thinking of you.