Author gnick Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 No more bashing me here. I feel bad enough. If I could erase this thread I would
angel.eyes Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 No one is deliberately bashing you. We're trying to get you to understand why your behavior is self-sabotaging and counterproductive. Breakups are hard, but you've been repeating the same behavior rather than learning from it. Luckily, you can put all of this behind you when you move. It will be a fresh start in a new city, with a new job, and hopefully new friends. I also think you would benefit greatly from speaking with a therapist. It will be helpful to explore why you respond this way when someone tries to break up with you. All the best!
Zahara Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) I was going to see if she wanted to meet one last time before I leave here for the new job. We were actually supposed to meet 2weeks ago but with over a month of not sleeping and all the anxiety I screwed the time up. I apologized and admitted it was my fault but she hasnt offered another time. OP, I had a good friend pass away from cancer. At some point in her journey, she started retreating from people and there were only a handful of people that she wanted close to her. One was because she needed to emotionally detach and the second reason was because she didn't want people to see her pain and her slow deterioration. Your GF's thoughts and feelings are solely focused on end of life now. Do you understand the magnitude of that? There's no room for anything else. Let her be and respect her need to have peace during this time. You're adding stress and anxiety to her already drained and worn state. If you love her then you will grant her the choice to handle what she believes is something she should do alone. This isn't your journey anymore. Edited February 25, 2016 by Zahara 5
Itspointless Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I know how it is to be dumped by someone with a medical situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/458578-anyone-here-ever-been-dumped-because-dumper-had-medical-issues Only there I also missed the red flags of dismissive-avoidant attachment. In the end I connected the dots with things she had told me. Hard isn't it going no contact when you are worried about someone?
theredpill Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I had a heart attack a few years ago, thankfully no permanent damage and a couple of stents later I'm good to go. This completely changed me in ways I couldn't even understand at the time, my outlook on life, the person I was in a relationship with at the time and I completely withdrew in the weeks after the operation and broke up with her after a few months, we got back together briefly only to part ways permanently a few weeks later. You ex is stressed and needs calm people around, having to call the police suggests there's room for improvement in self control, we've all been there - so don't feel bad. It's tough to read what's clear to others but not to yourself, whilst in the midst of all the emotions, they aren't attacking you - just telling you what you can't see right now.
Author gnick Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Its horrible. I have no one to ask how shes doing either 3
Toodaloo Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 OP, I had a good friend pass away from cancer. At some point in her journey, she started retreating from people and there were only a handful of people that she wanted close to her. One was because she needed to emotionally detach and the second reason was because she didn't want people to see her pain and her slow deterioration. When I was told I was going to die this is exactly what I did. It is really difficult to deal with because people want to help but you end up supporting them and reassuring them while you yourself are bricking it and trying to get through as best as you can. You become a "show piece to be pitied" rather than just being you. I went and saw my best friend (didn't tell her what was going on), then I spent my time with my parents, brother and my animals. Anything more was just exhausting. I was also dumped (thankfully) during that time so I had a lot going on and no real wish to see anyone at all. I was lucky. I got better. When I felt better I started to do more. I started to see my friends and extended family again. Wait until she is better. If she doesn't get better just be glad that you were around to help a dying womans dream come true. 10
Itspointless Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Its horrible. I have no one to ask how shes doing either Yes, it was exactly the same with me. What other people are writing is also true, it was my first though when I encountered it as I have been in that position before with my mother when I was 19: she died due to ALS. So I know how it is to witness someone slowly losing herself and her humanity. My ex also had trust issues. Anyway, I know how you must feel, it is very paradoxical, it was completely unnatural for me to distance, but at some point you must. 1
Author gnick Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Im acared to death I might never speak to her again
Apparition Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 gnick, do you know if she is terminally ill? I know it is difficult but if you love her then you will let her do as she wishes and respect her decision. She obviously wants to be happy and you causing her unwanted stress will not make her happy. I know YOU want to be the one to make her happy but SHE doesn't want YOU. Not right now anyway. Just leave her be and focus on grieving through your break-up. 1
Author gnick Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Im acared to death I might never speak to her again
Redhead14 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Im acared to death I might never speak to her again She's scared to death of not being able to speak to anyone ever again . . . leave her be. Let her live out the rest of her life on her terms. 2
ChickiePops Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Maybe she was trying to protect you by pushing you away. Maybe she knows she's dying. Or maybe she's just realized that she doesn't want to be with you. Either way, you need to respect her wishes. I'm sorry you're hurting but the very best thing you can do for BOTH of you right now is leave her alone.
Author gnick Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 We had one talk about may be getting back together where she said that I would have to be willing to watch her deteriorate possibly. She also told me she couldnt have any pressure about anything. Asking her to go out and doing things especially. Shes trying to concentrate on her goal to graduate right now even with all her challenges. I really admire her
ChickiePops Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 We had one talk about may be getting back together where she said that I would have to be willing to watch her deteriorate possibly. She also told me she couldnt have any pressure about anything. Asking her to go out and doing things especially. Shes trying to concentrate on her goal to graduate right now even with all her challenges. I really admire her That's great. Doesn't mean you should keep harassing her though.
Toodaloo Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 We had one talk about may be getting back together where she said that I would have to be willing to watch her deteriorate possibly. She also told me she couldnt have any pressure about anything. Asking her to go out and doing things especially. Shes trying to concentrate on her goal to graduate right now even with all her challenges. I really admire her That is obviously her "thing". Mine was that I was going to hug my best friend again. That was all that was on my bucket list. Now that list is a lot longer!!! I was doing things like planning my funeral so it would be upbeat and happy while at the same time I was feeling like utter crap. I just wanted it over. I didn't want people to see me because I wanted them to remember me as I am. I didn't want them to remember months of wires and tubes and my not being able to walk of dance. I wanted to them to remember me dancing about the room laughing and joking. I was still thinking about them I just didn't want to see them. This woman has a lot on her plate. She is probably utterly exhausted and just can't deal with any emotion right now. Yours or her own. You need to walk away. You want to see her for your sake not hers. Try to let that go. 1
Itspointless Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 You need to walk away. You want to see her for your sake not hers. Try to let that go. Having been on the receiving side two years ago. I can say that having to distance for this reason makes you feel in a way I never wish upon anyone. Neurological research shows that partners are affected heavily as well. Read for example https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201308/neuroscientists-confirm-our-loved-ones-become-ourselves There are also very interesting articles about pain experienced by partners which is briefly mentioned there. What I mean to say is that it is some special kind of torture having to disappear when you feel really strong for someone, while you know the other is having pain. I think this side of the story is often cast aside aside as the consensus seems that it is the moral thing to do just move yourself away if that is out of the blue wished by the other. Also having seen my mother as vulnerable as could be for a long time when I still was a kid - paralyzed and unable to talk the last year - I dare to say it is more complex than 'you need to walk away.' He needs to, but what choice is given to him? Ps, this is not meant in any way as personal, as I really feel for you with what you had to experience!
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 What's wrong with respecting a dying person's wish rather than making it about you? I guarantee whatever torture and pain and sadness you are feeling it is NOTHING compared to what that dying person feels. Geez...talk about being selfish. No wonder why she wanted you gone.
Itspointless Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 What's wrong with respecting a dying person's wish rather than making it about you? I guarantee whatever torture and pain and sadness you are feeling it is NOTHING compared to what that dying person feels. Geez...talk about being selfish. No wonder why she wanted you gone. Is this about me? If so than you misunderstand me.
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Is this about me? It's about anybody who can only concern themselves with how THEY feel rather than trying to understand how the sick person they claim to love feels. 2
Itspointless Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) It's about anybody who can only concern themselves with how THEY feel rather than respecting how the sick person they claim to love feels. Who says that gnick or I only are/were concerned with our feelings, geez. Edited February 26, 2016 by Itspointless
BC1980 Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 I dont know. I kept her afloat and going to school untill she could get her scholarship and shirtly after I was dumped. Hard not to feel used just a bit but I understand I have to keep in mind the situation She doesn't owe you anything because you helped her financially. I know we sometimes get caught up in the idea of being "owed something" because we did certain things for a person, but, if you help someone out, do it without expecting anything in return. That's probably a good life lesson to learn. You can't "give to get." I can understand why it would make you feel angry and annoyed because you did help her at one point. I think that's understandable. But it's always a risk. Just because you do x, y, and z for a person doesn't make them obligated to stay with you. 3
Author gnick Posted February 26, 2016 Author Posted February 26, 2016 I wish I could see her one last time like we were planning. I guess ill send a card instead telling her how much she means and how much I admire her 1
Toodaloo Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 Having been on the receiving side two years ago. I can say that having to distance for this reason makes you feel in a way I never wish upon anyone. Neurological research shows that partners are affected heavily as well. Read for example https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201308/neuroscientists-confirm-our-loved-ones-become-ourselves There are also very interesting articles about pain experienced by partners which is briefly mentioned there. What I mean to say is that it is some special kind of torture having to disappear when you feel really strong for someone, while you know the other is having pain. I think this side of the story is often cast aside aside as the consensus seems that it is the moral thing to do just move yourself away if that is out of the blue wished by the other. Also having seen my mother as vulnerable as could be for a long time when I still was a kid - paralyzed and unable to talk the last year - I dare to say it is more complex than 'you need to walk away.' He needs to, but what choice is given to him? Ps, this is not meant in any way as personal, as I really feel for you with what you had to experience! Imagine if you will right now that you only have a few months to live. Your priorities change drastically. You become very focused on very few things because that is all you have the time and strength for. I understand that loved ones may be hurting but you know what? They get to hug each other at your funeral. You don't. If it is selfish to want people to remember you happy and well instead of a shell then damn it I will be selfish. To pull away and seek peace and quiet when you are dying is completely natural. Humans do it, cats and dogs do it, elephants do it... Imagine your dying days being spent supporting everyone else, not having any time to process any of the feelings and emotions that you have because you are constantly worn out by having to look after everyone else... I can tell you now you would be gone faster and in emotional toil as you would have no time to prepare yourself for what is about to happen. I have recently had that when my horse died. He was a very special horse and loved by many not just me and you know what even now after 3 months of supporting others I feel completely empty and drained. I haven't had the chance to grieve myself yet and let me tell you that does not feel at all good and I know it is not good for my emotional health. 20 bloody years, day in day out, with that old nag and I have a whole ball of emotion stacked up that keeps seeping to the surface that is now so pent up from supporting everyone else that I can't let it go. Its really not good for me at all. So please do not tell me that a person who is dying should be supporting every other Tom Dick and Harry with their last breaths. Thats just selfish to the extreme. People can search out support else where. It is not a dying persons responsibility to do that. 3
BlueIris Posted February 26, 2016 Posted February 26, 2016 I wish I could see her one last time like we were planning. I guess ill send a card instead telling her how much she means and how much I admire her No, don't do that. She does not want any more contact. Respect her wishes, and keep in mind that the police have been called on you at least once already. This wasn't even an exclusive, serious 2-year relationship. You were just getting over another woman less than a year ago. This current woman who has cancer was withdrawing from you six months ago. Your emotions are excessive in view of the nature of this relationship. Work on yourself instead of pushing yourself into her life.
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