Anyone here (ever) been dumped because the dumper had medical issues?

[Itspointless]

With medical I mean physical illnesses and operations that needed to be done. Are there people that have experienced this? How do/did you cope with it?

[LostConfused123]

I got dumped (by this one, hence the reason on LS) 3 days after he had arm surgery.

 

 

Not sure if that had anything to do with it (probably not)

[Itspointless]

I got dumped (by this one, hence the reason on LS) 3 days after he had arm surgery.

 

 

Not sure if that had anything to do with it (probably not)

I hope it didn't. I am asking as in my case it played a mayor role. Not long after we started her medical issues came back. She wanted to do it alone, just as she has done in the past: no friends, family or other significant others around and no talking about it. She told me she did not do this because she did not feel much for me but because she ‘knew’ herself. It left me confused.

 

Later on I realized she showed signs of avoidant attachment. As I see it now I can see her distress as the trigger of her cutoff behaviour and going into auto-regulation. She told that a psychologist once confirmed she uses auto-regulation to cope with distress.

 

I still think a lot about how she is doing.

Edited February 2, 2014 by Itspointless

[LostConfused123]

I hope it didn't. I am asking as in my case it played a mayor role. Not long after we started her medical issues came back. She wanted to do it alone, just as she has done in the past: no friends, family or other significant others around and no talking about it. She told me she did not do this because she did not feel much for me but because she ‘knew’ herself. It left me confused.

 

Later on I realized she showed signs of avoidant attachment. As I see it now I can see her distress as the trigger of her cutoff behaviour and going into auto-regulation. She told that a psychologist once confirmed she uses auto-regulation to cope with distress.

 

I still think a lot about how she is doing.

I can definitely understand why that would leave you confused. I have also heard things like medical issues leave people feeling extra vulnerable. I can understand that side of it too.

 

I have often thought, in my case if that had anything to do with it. I used to think it was very possible but as more time goes on, I don't think so. But I guess anything is possible.

 

That probably didn't help you much. . . LOL!!

 

I wish you all the best!! Good luck!!

[Itspointless]

Thank you for your reactions!

 

I remembered your story. Sometimes a surgery can make people really vulnerable, as a surgery can be really intrusive. If that also is the case with arm surgery I don't dare to say, perhaps it depends on the person. But even then it does not make much sense saying those things as seriously as he did. I really can understand that you were confused as well.

I can definitely understand why that would leave you confused. I have also heard things like medical issues leave people feeling extra vulnerable. I can understand that side of it too.

When I was a teenager one of my parents had a really severe illness for a couple of years and died due to that. I noticed how gradually loosing your "self" with the accompanying fears is one of the hardest things people can endure. Although being powerless seeing a loved one struggling to cope and in constant pain is not one of the best situations be in as well. It triggers quite a social dynamic.

[LostConfused123]

Seems like honest and direct communication would be the only way.

Sadly, in my case, for whatever reason, he didn't do this

 

by the way, sorry for your loss. Losing a parent so young must have been a huge blow. ((hugs!!))

[Itspointless]

I am sorry to hear. It happened to me once that I got no explanation at all. It cured me from finding a bond for a lot of years. I hope it does not work that way for you.

 

I agree with you about communication. Sadly most people do not see and recognise that communication is one of the hardest challenges. Let alone when the message somehow touches our ego. Also many people like to play games due to how they are (their psychology) and their upbringing or just because they feel entitled to have a certain power over the other (for revenge or another reason). I am way more impressed by people who dare to be vulnerable. Sadly it usually are those people that are being played.

[polynomial]

I was. My ex found out he had an illness (which I don't want to mention) and dumped me soon after finding out. He said I deserved better. He was clearly very depressed and stressed about it and probably felt he couldn't handle a relationship right now.

[imtooconfused]

I can see where if I developed a serious long-term illness or medical condition that I wouldn't want anyone close around me to witness what I have to go through. I have always been the mentor/caretaker type and for someone to see me as vulnerable and weak would be harmful to my ego.

 

Along those same lines, if I was told I had six months to live, I plan to tell few if any people and spend the time traveling solo with no attachments. I have no intention of burdening anyone with my end-of-life problems.

[Itspointless]

I am sorry to hear polynomial. With your story it seems the illness also was a trigger for behaviour that already was there with him? I wonder, how do you cope with knowing that he is ill? For me the sentence I deserved better was hard as I felt that I had no say in it.

[polynomial]

I am sorry to hear polynomial. With your story it seems the illness also was a trigger for behaviour that already was there with him? I wonder, how do you cope with knowing that he is ill? For me the sentence I deserved better was hard as I felt that I had no say in it.

 

I'll be honest, at first I was mad. How could he think I wouldn't want him just because of that illness? How could he think I could not or would not want to take care of him if necessary?

 

We got back together multiple times after his diagnosis and broke up again multiple times. His illness and depression that derived from it always hung like a black cloud over our relationship (that wasn't the only reason why we never worked out but it was a contributing factor).

 

So now, looking back, I'm not mad anymore. In fact, I understand him completely. I realise he has so much **** to work through and he doesn't have time to be in a relationship because he doesn't have it in him to devote himself to someone else when he should be devoting his time to himself and his health. And that's okay. Maybe one day he'll come to a point where he can be in a relationship, maybe not. It's up to him. But it won't be with me anymore. And that's okay, too I guess.

[Itspointless]

Along those same lines, if I was told I had six months to live, I plan to tell few if any people and spend the time traveling solo with no attachments. I have no intention of burdening anyone with my end-of-life problems.

Imtooconfused. I can understand your reasoning. Being vulnerable and weak is hard, especially when you are used to other roles. I also understand your thinking with the above sentence. The thing is that often people do not feel it as a burden, being there can be really meaningful for them on a existential level. It also gives them a chance to get acquainted with the idea that your existence is not forever. Next to that it gives them a chance to speak about things they otherwise might regret not having done because of whatever reason. In other words choosing not to tell it is also a choice you make for other people. Such situations unfortunately do not give us easy decisions. Also some needs only present themselves when the moment is actually there, whatever those needs are. I do hope you never get to make such decisions!! Thank you for your answer.

[Itspointless]

I'll be honest, at first I was mad. How could he think I wouldn't want him just because of that illness? How could he think I could not or would not want to take care of him if necessary?

 

We got back together multiple times after his diagnosis and broke up again multiple times. His illness and depression that derived from it always hung like a black cloud over our relationship (that wasn't the only reason why we never worked out but it was a contributing factor).

 

So now, looking back, I'm not mad anymore. In fact, I understand him completely. I realise he has so much **** to work through and he doesn't have time to be in a relationship because he doesn't have it in him to devote himself to someone else when he should be devoting his time to himself and his health. And that's okay. Maybe one day he'll come to a point where he can be in a relationship, maybe not. It's up to him. But it won't be with me anymore. And that's okay, too I guess.

I really appreciate your answer polynomial. It sounds like a really hard situation you have been through with him, I am sorry for that. I see how being mad has been really functional for you. I find it hard to get mad. Luckily I have my short moments. I guess that with my situation I have seen the person she wanted to be, as she already was very guarded to the outside world with regard to certain things. I admirable how you deal with it. I am not there yet, perhaps because with me it also has touched old grief.

[Itspointless]

So she wrote me how I am doing, as she did not hear from me for a while. I said that I was doing ok. After this she mentioned that she had the first operation and feels a little bit better (something I wondered about). She concluded wishing me a great time.

 

Ehh