Probably not the average "not getting what I want" thread...

[elaine567]

One thing that *never* happened, though, even back then, is she refused to give me oral sex.

Way back then, I told her (and let's leave aside the fact that I was probably wrong to do this) in no uncertain terms that receiving oral was *very* important to me, and I was (and am) willing to compromise on anything (frequency, not finishing in her mouth, shaving/trimming, showering immediately beforehand, etc. etc.) as long as it was, in some capacity, on the menu - and that if it was 100% out of the question, that was absolutely a deal-breaker.

 

So the problem is now obvious, right? She will not do it, not even try it, not with any "boundary" conditions at all agreed upon. I have, in the past, reminded her that I told her under no circumstances would I spend the rest of my life without it, before she agreed to marry me. I have, in a completely non-threatening and positive, communicative way, talked about how important it is to me, and that I am willing to make whatever adjustments are necessary, even if it meant only getting a short experience with it on the odd occasion.

 

Some other facts:

-She has never done this for anyone, and despite the lack of negative experience, now claims (did not before) that she finds the entire idea repulsive

 

She has never in her life given oral sex (to anyone), because she finds the very idea repulsive.

YOU stipulated your conditions yes, but you failed for 20 years to make sure those "deal-breaker conditions" were implemented.

If I made it a condition of marriage that I wanted a full bacon and egg breakfast in bed every Sunday, then two Sundays without my breakfast in bed would be the time for that "deal-breaker" conversation, NOT after 20 years with never a breakfast in bed in sight.

If my husband told me he was repulsed by cooking bacon and eggs, or he hated the thought of crumbs in the bed, then we may have needed to work on that, at the time, NOT 20 years later.

 

IF you want out of this marriage then we probably get that, people move apart, but blaming 20 years of no bjs, when she has NEVER, EVER given you a bj, is nonsense.

BTW it is no justification for "getting it" elsewhere if that is your train of thought...

[standtall]

Doesn't like oral..doesn't like penetration. You shouldn't have gotten married unless you wanted to be celibate.

[Poutrew]

It truly sounds to me as if she doesn't like sex with you very much at all. She doesn't even like the penis in her vagina, but she is putting up with it for your benefit...truthfully, when I was reading your post what came across my mind was that your wife is bisexual, and only married you because it was expected of her...

[Popsicle]

It's truly a horrible position to be in when you have the personal integrity to not step outside of the marriage, but at the same time your spouse, who is low sex drive or aromantic, KNOWS that you have these high morals and uses this in a manipulative way to keep you hostage in a marriage where your needs are not being met. It's unfair.

 

The only answer is to not put up with it, and unfortunately, divorce.

[S2B]

Do you have kids together?

 

What is good about the marriage?

[Lady2163]

Hi Over thinking, as Mr. Lucky said, that particular ship( Getting oral sex from your wife) sailed over two decades ago. What is the use of complaining about it now when so much time has elapsed and for some reason you did not enforce your deal breaker. Your wife probably is under the impression that inspite of your periodic complaint, in actual fact you are reconciled to not getting oral sex.

If you want things to change you have to change things. Maybe talk to your wife and propose some of the things that Ladu2163 has suggested. That would force your wife to honestly face the situation and decide what course of action she wants to take. I get the feeling that maybe you have found yourself an affair partner who is willing to gratify you in the manner that you want and you came to this forum to see if any of the members here would suggest that you do exactly this. That suggestion would give you the necessary moral support you need to go ahead in a guiltless manner with your clandestine pursuit and you would feel vindicated. Only you know what the actual situation is.

Lady2163, it seems ironic that on the one hand you enjoy giving oral sex to men and revel in their enjoyment of it and on the other hand there are guys like Over thinking, who are starved of oral sex and have to put up with recalcitrant wives who stubbornly refuse to oblige their husbands. Your graphic description of the manner in which you provided gratification to the men lucky to be the recipients of your skill must make men like Over thinking drool. However inspite of the skills you were not able to find yourself a partner for life who could be the beneficiary of your skills and in return, provide you the stability and companionship that you probably desire. You said you are now fifty years old and financially well off so maybe you should look out for a divorced man who complements your ideas and way of thinking. In any case I wish both you and Over thinking the very best for the future. Everyone deserves to have happiness and contentment as one grows older. Warm wishes

 

Pardon please the off-topic spin, I wanted to answer you.

 

A. I'm fat. Well, not morbidly obese, but tubby.

B. After a parent died, I moved back to a small town to assist remaining parent. I did the statistical analysis and using the census, eliminating different age brackets and there are about 12 men for my population that would have the potential to be partners. Then finding them is next to impossible. Small town, very family and kid oriented.

C. I'm not a football, basketball, hunting, fishing, camping NASCAR type of woman. Any man that spends an average of ten hours and/or $100 a week socializing and in pursuit of those hobbies is probably not a match for me.

D. Technology (and old school) pretty much eliminated the cost of my hobbies. I like to read, watch movies and listen to music. When my exH and I divorced all those years ago, one of the first things we did was divide our collection of around 1000 videotapes. Gee, I wonder where that got us? Nowadays, I can't tell you the last time I paid for music. I quit buying DVDs if I knew I wouldn't watch them again. Anyway, if I was spending $6000 a year on books, DVDs, music, cable TV, that was reduced to maybe $600 a year. The money previously spent on entertainment was invested in other things like education and property upgrades. Both paid off big time over the years. Old school - I use the library for books, movies and some music.

E. I'd say I'm upper middle class. The money is great and it buys a lot of security and contentment. It does however take me out of the league of a ditch digger. Nothing wrong with being a ditch digger, nothing at all. But I want a partnership, not an unequal balance in my relationships. Financially, I'm probably in the league of a small time accountant, doctor, lawyer, maybe a college professor, probably an independent tech guy. Finding one who is single, doesn't have drama prone or spoiled children is a challenge.

 

Back to the original topic

I think there are a lot relationships that get to the point of the original post. They boil down to five choices.

1. Accept it

2. Demand that it change, take control of the change

3. Get counseling - joint and/or individual

4. Surreptitiously make the change happen (in this case, cheat)

5. End it

 

When it comes to sex I believe there are basically three main physical components. Hands, mouth and genitals. I don't understand anyone who removes one and definitely not two of those components from the equation. If a man has a quick trigger, then he definitely doesn't want to be someone who doesn't perform oral sex with wild abandon. I just don't understand why someone would short their partner like that. It doesn't have to be a favorite, but a little bit of chocolate sauce and the promise to not come inside the mouth can go a long way.

 

Oh, wait...OP you could also buy a sex toy. You may need to buy a few until you find one you like. I think there's a trial and error process with those. I know it won't be the same, but it could take your edge off.

[elaine567]

It's truly a horrible position to be in when you have the personal integrity to not step outside of the marriage, but at the same time your spouse, who is low sex drive or aromantic, KNOWS that you have these high morals and uses this in a manipulative way to keep you hostage in a marriage where your needs are not being met. It's unfair.

 

The only answer is to not put up with it, and unfortunately, divorce.

 

But she does not have a low sex drive, they have sex, he gives her oral a lot (he enjoys doing it, she loves it), they have PIV too (not her favourite though), the only thing missing for the OP is a bj, something she has NEVER given anyone and something she finds repulsive.

No bait and switch, nothing has changed here for 20+ years.

[Just a Guy]

The OP has long gone it seems. Lady 2163, thank you for your response. Well I get your situation, but don't give up hope and dont let cynicism govern your thinking. You never know when you might turn the cornet and bump into the right guy. By the way if your situation permits why don't you move to a larger town? Or maybe go on cruises or something where you can improve your chances of meeting Mr. Right. Wishing you the very best!

[SSJROMANCE]

The more I read your original post the more selfish I believe this woman is. She gets at least one orgasm if not more every session. And in return she won't reciprocate oral and only tolerates intercourse "for you". I mean WTF? Do u also buy all the groceries and do all the cooking too and when it comes time to eat she says "look I'm only letting u eat because I feel bad u are hungry" as she is licking her plate?

 

Get this woman some counseling. She needs to understand what she is doing to you and this relationship. Does she give any gifts for Christmas or does she only receive them? Lol.

Edited March 1, 2016 by SSJROMANCE

[Lady2163]

The OP has long gone it seems. Lady 2163, thank you for your response. Well I get your situation, but don't give up hope and dont let cynicism govern your thinking. You never know when you might turn the cornet and bump into the right guy. By the way if your situation permits why don't you move to a larger town? Or maybe go on cruises or something where you can improve your chances of meeting Mr. Right. Wishing you the very best!

 

I am! I'm selling my business and moving to a city of around 500,000 in a few months. I'm already scoping out some kayaking (I want to learn) clubs and the renassiance community (it looks like fun and I'm that big of a dork). I've been working on my eating habits and am hoping with "retirement" I can exercise more and cook healthier foods!

 

It's all good!

 

Thanks much and blessings to you.

[OverThinkingItAlways]

The OP has long gone it seems. Lady 2163, thank you for your response. Well I get your situation, but don't give up hope and dont let cynicism govern your thinking. You never know when you might turn the cornet and bump into the right guy. By the way if your situation permits why don't you move to a larger town? Or maybe go on cruises or something where you can improve your chances of meeting Mr. Right. Wishing you the very best!

 

Sorry for the long absence, I actually intended to not reply for a while just to see what others really thought without giving too much feedback, since I expected that there would be criticisms (which I take constructively) but I unfortunately (like many people) have a hare-trigger for defending myself, which wouldn't be as productive as my just keeping quiet and listening.

 

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone for your thoughts and advice. Opinions run the gamut, but I'm considering everything you all have said.

 

To answer a recurring theme directly, our marriage (other than this aspect of our sex life) is good. We get along as well as we ever did, share interests and time together, and are a good parenting team. I'm happy with the marriage, I just really thought that at some point our sex life might expand in that one direction. Maybe I was was a fool for thinking so, as many have pointed out, but it is also true that sometimes people do reinvent their sex lives, as was also suggested.

 

To answer some other questions:

 

-In reality, even though I'm frustrated, no, I wouldn't throw it all away just for a BJ

-No, I really wouldn't want to coerce her into doing something she doesn't want to do, I was actually thinking maybe there was some way I could change her mind about it (yeah, that's dumb. I can see that in retrospect)

-Her dislike of penetration is *not* that she doesn't like dicks in general. Yes, she "handles" me in other ways too. I almost hate to say this and become another one of those "guys on the net" that comment on their own endowment, but the *reason* she's not jazzed about it is because she thinks I'm too big and she's not into it. No, I'm not a freak of nature. Yes, I am on the very thick side. I've had many experiences with women who liked it in the past. I thought that as our relationship progressed, it'd get easier for her - and it *did*, it just went from "it hurts" at the outset years ago to "meh, since your older and can't come in 3 minutes anymore it gets a bit much to handle after a while". Of course, I *thought* that she'd eventually get used to it and it would become "hell yeah".

-Despite the above, the thought that she might be bi (as one commenter suggested) has crossed my mind (and a close friend of her's) mind before (for other reasons unimportant to this), and I have asked her about this point blank in the past. She is 100% certain that I'd be completely OK with it if that were in fact the case, and she says she's not.

 

Again, thank you all. In closing, you're all right - I have to make a choice about this, and given that the rest is OK, I think I'm just going to have to let it go. Maybe things will eventually change. They probably won't.

 

-OTIA

[elaine567]

I thought that as our relationship progressed, it'd get easier for her - and it *did*, it just went from "it hurts" at the outset years ago to "meh, since your older and can't come in 3 minutes anymore it gets a bit much to handle after a while". Of course, I *thought* that she'd eventually get used to it and it would become "hell yeah".

 

Vaginal dilation with dilators (daily use) she can get them from her GP probably best, or on the net, and lots of lube when you do have intercourse.

No doubt if it is painful for her, she will be tensing up too - the dilation will help there also.

[Mr. Lucky]

Vaginal dilation with dilators (daily use) she can get them from her GP probably best, or on the net, and lots of lube when you do have intercourse.

No doubt if it is painful for her, she will be tensing up too - the dilation will help there also.

 

Right or wrong, she's satisfied. Don't see her trying any proactive steps, these included.

 

OverThinkingItAlways, marriage is compromise and, in many cases, letting go of certain expectations ranging from motivation to lifestyle. That fact that your "sacrifice" is well-defined doesn't make it easier...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

Mrs T&B isn't a huge fan of BJs either, although she does give them. I did order this sex gadget online though that I have to say feels amazing. It's like a rubber sleeve, fake mouth looking thing that you can oil up. Yeah, it's not a BJ, but you know what...it's probably gonna feel better than any BJ she'd give you anyway, given her lack of interest, experience, and ability to unlock her jaw like a snake to acomodate your giant package. lol. I'd suggest getting of these, and have her use it on you. Who knows...maybe her watching a fake mouth take care of you and curl your toes, will inspire her to give it a shot with a real one.