Can it work after an affair?

[Sparkles72]

It's almost a year to the day (Tuesday) when I found out about him and her. To be honest i'm dreading it. I don't think about them 2 daily now but every other day, and it still hurts as much. I still question why we are still together. The relationship isn't perfect and I don't think it ever will. But part of me likes him around, mainly company side I guess, but then other days I hate him. I annoy myself because I just can't make or keep that decision :-(

[seren]

Sparkles we are 9 years along after H told me he had an A. At the 2 year point it got a little easier, but I still had triggers, still felt a little numb and at times, I wondered how we could ever have our relationship back. truth is, we didn't get our old relationship back, but we have a different and truthfully, a better relationship. We have been together over 30 years, so we both feel like we couldn't be without the other, simply because we both love and like each other so much.

 

At 2 years I often had meltdowns, I had got over the thinking about it every few minutes or so, but if I read anyone say that at 2 years they had reconciled fully I would think, really? Now it only comes up if I come onto LS, which I do from time to time, mainly to see how others are doing and to speak to friends I have met on here and to sometimes offer support. I can remember all too well how the early days felt.

 

There was no blinding flash of insight when I thought, right, we have now reconciled, it came in fits and starts until one day it just didn't matter anymore. It was what it was and we were just living each day and enjoying life, each other and realising how close we had come to losing us.

 

I hope it gets easier and that you have your own, doesn't matter anymore time. All any of us can do is to decide what works best for us and we are all different, all have our own measure of what makes a good and happy life with someone. I hope you get to that place. x

[road]

Recovery is a 2 to 5 years process.

[Sparkles72]

Wow I can't believe it's almost 3 years since I posted on here. Nothing's really changed, we are still together, the relationship is ok to a point. My main issue is we don't have a sexual relationship. This is all because of me. The thought of having sex just repulses me. I thought this was because of what he did, but I'm not interested one bit with anyone. He keeps asking for sex and why we don't have a relationship. But I just avoid it. Something inside me broke when I found out about his affair and I just can't get back to being me again. Yes I love him but I also hate him. I just feel like he will eventually stray again because he's not getting anything from me, which stresses me out. If he was to stray again that would be game over for us. I question if this is what I want? But I don't know, my head is still a mess.

[Guildford]

Sparkles - I am sorry to hear that you are still suffering so from your partner's betrayal. Road said that it takes two to five years to recover, and Seren said that she is nine years out and still suffering, but that her relationship with husband is getting better. You do not seem to be moving forward in your recovery at all. While I have not suffered any huge tragedy or betrayal in my life, I have read that some people can move on from such experience and some cannot, but those who can move on tend to live a longer and happier life.

 

You say that not only are you no longer interested in sex with your partner, you are not interested in sex with anyone. You should tell your partner exactly how you are suffering and that you are going to seek outside counseling. Counseling might lead to a reconciliation with partner or it might lead to divorce, you do not know at this time. One way or another, you must move on with life; you do not want to spend the rest of your life with your current approach to life. Good luck, and I hope that whatever happens your life improves dramatically.

[Mr. Lucky]

My main issue is we don't have a sexual relationship. This is all because of me. The thought of having sex just repulses me. I thought this was because of what he did, but I'm not interested one bit with anyone. He keeps asking for sex and why we don't have a relationship. But I just avoid it. Something inside me broke when I found out about his affair and I just can't get back to being me again. Yes I love him but I also hate him. I just feel like he will eventually stray again because he's not getting anything from me, which stresses me out.

 

Why stay if you're not going to work to repair and forgive? You're not only punishing him - whom you say you still love, you're also not practicing necessary self-care.

 

Certainly don't condone what he's done, but can't understand your approach either. You're creating a self-fulling prophecy, of course he'll eventually go outside for sex. Doesn't seem healthy for either of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sparkles, I think Mr. Lucky is spot on with his analysis. At present you are in limbo, with a kind of dog in the manger attitude. It would be better for you to set your husband free so that both of you can move on and lead happier lives. At present both of you are living half lives.

 

You have already wasted three years of your lives remaining static, emotionally. If you are not prepared to forgive your husband and move forward positively, there is no point in sticking together and remaining miserable. Do you have children together? Also, how long have you been married? If you are staying together for the sake of your children there will be any number of people who will tell you that that is not really a healthy thing for your kids as they will be able to perceive the underlying unhappiness in their patents and this will affect them negatively for the rest of their lives. Be proactive rather than reactive. Best wishes.

[Turning point]

I thought this was because of what he did, but I'm not interested one bit with anyone. Something inside me broke when I found out about his affair and I just can't get back to being me again.

 

I can't imagine myself ever having sex with a person I don't trust.

 

This might be something still unresolved for you - the inability to trust not only him, but you're own judgement about who or what you choose.

[Sparkles72]

We're not married, been together for 12 years, have a 10 years old. Yes part of me still loves and cares for him, but like I said, I can't forgive or forget what he did. It's not something that just goes away. I suffer with depression and anxiety, which got worse after his affair, hence why I say I don't feel like me anymore. Think I've just built a wall that no man is ever getting over.

[heartwhole2]

You deserve love and happiness in your life, and I believe you can have them. Please keep seeking help for your depression and anxiety and know that things can be better than this. Hang in there and keep the faith.

[merrmeade]

Wow I can't believe it's almost 3 years since I posted on here. Nothing's really changed, we are still together, the relationship is ok to a point. My main issue is we don't have a sexual relationship. This is all because of me. The thought of having sex just repulses me. I thought this was because of what he did, but I'm not interested one bit with anyone. He keeps asking for sex and why we don't have a relationship. But I just avoid it. Something inside me broke when I found out about his affair and I just can't get back to being me again. Yes I love him but I also hate him. I just feel like he will eventually stray again because he's not getting anything from me, which stresses me out. If he was to stray again that would be game over for us. I question if this is what I want? But I don't know, my head is still a mess.

I get very down and emotional when I think about it, I don't talk to him about how I feel now as it makes him feel guilty, he goes in a mood which makes me feel worse. I just don't feel like me anymore, like something has died. He's not the kind of guy who would go to counselling, he's quite a private person and doesn't want people knowing what he's done. I on the other hand feel like blurting it out to everyone.

 

Does it get any better?

Don’t forget what they’re telling you about 3-5 year recovery process. It’s a real thing. It’s been seven years for me and I have no idea what it was like before, because it’s certainly not the same. I’m not the same. And obviously it wasn’t real anyway if he was able to keep a secrete like that from me.

 

I understand about not having that loving feeling toward him. How I dealt with that was to do it for myself. I told him as much. It actually made it feel like a personal victory. That’s all I’ll say on that because it’s absolutely your right to do what you’re able to do. Mainly though I think it’s more of an indication that you’re depressed and in limbo. And that’s not where you want to be.

 

Personally I also think that the problem was holding the story in because he didn’t want people knowing what he did. I think that’s the card that needs to be played. You can think about it and maybe make a careful decision about whom you tell (and I do mean careful — someone who will express outrage on your behalf, someone who is already your person, not his. You have to have someone. You have no obligation to keep his selfish little secret.

 

I imagine you don’t talk to him about it either. If this is true, that’s the second thing I’d recommend you make him listen. Schedule a time, perhaps once a week, but tell him that he has to listen. It’s the least he can do and decide what you will do if he dares give you grief because you really can’t go on like this.

 

And the third and probably most important thing I’d recommend is counseling. We tried marriage counseling and it was embarrassing to discover how incapable he really was of being honest. I gave it about six weeks and then said to both of them I’d waited long enough for him to learn how to be vulnerable. I needed help and this wasn’t it. So I got my own therapist and felt fairly clear-eyed and forward-thinking after about a year. I felt independent, like whether I stay or go, I’m still the same person. He didn’t define me, and my happiness did not depend on him. It’s not perfect but it’s than it was because it’s honest.

 

Your result will be your result, but I do hope you put your happiness first and make the changes you need. Good luck.

[frigginlost]

I'm gonna throw in my .02 as well.

 

Going on 4 years for me, and I have forgiven all. I feel healthy, my sex drive has never been better, and my outlook on life is great.

 

How'd I get there?

 

I left her 3 years ago. I decided that trying to "day by day" the rest of our relationship was going to ruin the rest of my life.

 

Now 3 years later, there is no animosity, no anger, or anything. In fact, I would even say that I am friendly with her when we cross paths.

 

As others have stated, I think it's time you look within...

[Buffer]

We're not married, been together for 12 years, have a 10 years old. Yes part of me still loves and cares for him, but like I said, I can't forgive or forget what he did...It's not something that just goes away. I suffer with depression and anxiety, which got worse after his affair, hence why I say I don't feel like me anymore. Think I've just built a wall...

Sparkles

Please seek assistance in your Depression and Anxiety. You have to be good inside first to make life’s ongoing decisions. If you have built a wall, with IC you can start working to tear down that wall. It is up to you!

You have a child with with this man, your thought should be you, your child then him. In that order. You say you have love for him. Are you just comfortable with him, and the thought of starting new is just too daunting? Either way, it is support for you.

 

Good luck and bug cyber hugs from here.