Can it work after an affair?

[Joie]

You are right he should not be contacting this woman. You should be mad. Beyond that you should be mad that he put you in this position. He is forcing you to be "the bad guy" or the "controlling mother figure". The truth is that he knew that messaging her was wrong (obviously since he deleted the messages), he never should have put you in the position where you need to ask him to stop.

 

You can't move past the A if he is still unwilling to fix the underlying problems in your relationship.

[Sparkles72]

Totally agree Joie, I think he knows I'm on to him. I just can't bring myself to talk to him about it, I really want to. Maybe it's that little bit of me thinking he will change? I think I have decided that enough is enough, I feel like I'm turning a blind eye and I certainly don't want to. I've had constant headache all week and I know it's because of stress. Why can't I just bloody confront him! Am I scared of breaking down again? He surely can't hurt me anymore than he already has.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I'm sorry you're in this position.

 

I personally wouldn't stand for it. On DD I told my WH that he couldn't be friends with the OW any more, and he said, "I'm sure that's not the case." I said, "Well, I'm SURE IT IS." For a few days he pretended he couldn't figure out how to block somebody on FB until I pestered and prodded. But I didn't know about IG or Twitter or half a dozen other things. Then I found her public IG where he was liking all her photos after DD. Hell had no fury like what I felt that day -- I'd been trying to be understanding and patient but here he was liking her Fing photos? She got blocked on everything after that. Still, for some reason I felt guilty about "invading his privacy" so I would sneak a check sometimes.

 

We went to MC and the counselor obviously thought my WH was selfish and just not getting it. That was hard for me to see because I had spent so long believing his "poor me, I'm a victim of everything in my life" attitude. But eventually I came to realize just how ridiculous our dynamic was. He acted like a petulant teenager because I "made" him give up his secret girlfriend and be transparent with his online life. He acted like I could help it when my health condition flared up and he would act so inconvenienced if he had to alter his plans because of it. I don't know why I didn't see it before, honestly. I guess I didn't want to rock the boat. I thought that if I was caring and giving, he would be the same in return.

 

I eventually learned that he IS self-absorbed and immature, and he is in IC to address those things. It is not crazy for me to expect access to his devices, and to do so openly. He has all my passwords too; I now see that this is a practical measure for any marriage that wants to provide a layer of protection against the opportunity for infidelity. We expect the other to be open about all friendships and communications, especially with potential affair-partners. There's simply no reason for a married person to be chatting in a friendly way with a person of the opposite sex all hours of the day.

 

You are not crazy or unreasonable. The one who is being unreasonable is your husband. If you find yourself giving him a pass for inappropriate behavior because you don't want the petulant teenager to stomp his foot and get mad at mean Mommy, then you are allowing the cycle to continue. Getting over infidelity takes years of deliberate emotional work. A few conversations is not enough to close that chapter in your lives. I required my husband to go to MC and IC, and I go to IC as well. My biggest take-away has been how lopsided and untenable our old dynamic was. I have spent a lot of time and energy pushing back so a point where I feel like an equal partner in this marriage and that my WH understands that it's not all about him.

 

Don't apologize for checking his stuff. Don't apologize for expecting him to give up the friendship with this person. Those are reasonable responses to his infidelity. He is the one who is being unreasonable.

 

This dynamic was sure strong between my parents too. (Well, it still is, but not as bad as it was before the affair and D-Day).

 

My mother poured everything into my Dad. All of her emotional support and resources and raising the kids (my brother and sister are both autistic). Meanwhile, my Dad worked but he was also free to do whatever and he chose drinking. He was such an arse! Constantly!

 

But we had to "understand that he's stressed and in a bad mood / his feet hurt / he's sooooooo tired."

 

The other part of this is that my mother was receiving $3K a month from her family. In the EIGHTIES. He pissed almost ALL of it away. They never helped with my education etc.

 

Meanwhile, he acts total victim to EVERYTHING. Oh the constant whining and his "rough, rough childhood" that we all "had to understand."

 

You know what? He crapped on MY childhood because of it. His constant Drunken abusive episodes were just ridiculous. But no one could say two words to him because "oh how dare you!?"

 

My mother constantly defended him. Right to D-Day.

She didn't see that coming.

 

Just like I didn't see my own D-day coming with my own husband who had this "rough, rough" childhood as well.

 

But for me, it made me snap. I empathized with him for awhile. CLEARLY he had PROBLEMS. He was a "good guy" who was "troubled" and we had an infant together.

 

Well, a year and a bit drags on. More D-days and inappropriate behaviours. More excuses. And I am sick to crap of hearing about his "oh so sad" childhood. I had a stupid childhood too, and I was not up for having a stupid adulthood to top it off with.

 

PLUS: my parents. I always wondered when my father would ever get past this "childhood" excuse for treating everyone like garbage. Then I realized, he wouldn't. There was no incentive for him to be an adult prior to D-day because my mother shielded him from all consequences. Even on D-day he was freaking out saying "I can't feel the love right now [dreamingoftigers' Mom.]" Like, really? She was supposed to fall all over him begging?

 

He was in his 50s and still hasn't grown up.

 

I wasn't in the market for that crap from my own husband. I looked him straight-up and told him I wasn't going to accept his crappy ass behaviour anymore because even though he HAD been a hurt kid, he was no longer a hurt kid. He was now an adult that had to take responsibility for his crap. And if he didn't, he was going to HURT OUR KID with his entitled bullcrap behaviour.

 

Well, he left. And I carried on. I 180ed and I went LC. One night he called to talk to our daughter and did a sobby "oh I'm so sorry, Daddy sucks" kind of self-pity call where he cried and she was absolutely confused asking him when he's coming home etc.

 

So he gets on the phone with me and says about how "I make it so hard" blah blah. I let him have it both barrels. I told him how he was in his 30s and he IS NOT doing the "your Mom made it too hard to be your Dad" BS excuse with her. I told him "you ARE NOT DOING THAT TO THIS KID. You know exactly what you need to do to be a Dad. Now cut the crap or butt out. But don't you dare do the same in and out weepy crap that your biological mother did to you.

 

Anyhow any time he made the whole " life's so rough" whinges after that, I pretty much said "well it's a good thing you are resourceful then" etc. He can figure shyte out. He's not an idiot.

 

Those events were awhile ago and he's gone to counseling, quit his drinking, gotten back to being more like the guy I married and even just brought me some dinner.

 

As for my Dad, there's been some growth there, but he's still determined that "everyone doesn't get me" or whatever whiny crap. The latest is that he will probably lose part of his foot to his insistence on drinking while diabetic. So he's been throwing petulant temper tantrums about having to change his diet. Wailing at my mother last week about his food screaming "about the diet SHE put him on." Boo-hoo. No she didn't. He got it from his doctor and my mother is trying to be supportive with his meals. Yet she's in the vicinity, so it's HER FAULT. Right, she gave him diabetes.

[dreamingoftigers]

Totally agree Joie, I think he knows I'm on to him. I just can't bring myself to talk to him about it, I really want to. Maybe it's that little bit of me thinking he will change? I think I have decided that enough is enough, I feel like I'm turning a blind eye and I certainly don't want to. I've had constant headache all week and I know it's because of stress. Why can't I just bloody confront him! Am I scared of breaking down again? He surely can't hurt me anymore than he already has.

 

100% chance of being deeply hurt by continuing to turn a blind eye.

 

The chances get lower by being long-term hurt by leaving or him being actually dedicated to reconciliation.

 

I'll be honest though: if they don't seem to get right away just how damaging cheating is, they don't get it for a bit.

[ladydesigner]

 

This dynamic was sure strong between my parents too. (Well, it still is, but not as bad as it was before the affair and D-Day).

 

My mother poured everything into my Dad. All of her emotional support and resources and raising the kids (my brother and sister are both autistic). Meanwhile, my Dad worked but he was also free to do whatever and he chose drinking. He was such an arse! Constantly!

 

But we had to "understand that he's stressed and in a bad mood / his feet hurt / he's sooooooo tired."

 

The other part of this is that my mother was receiving $3K a month from her family. In the EIGHTIES. He pissed almost ALL of it away. They never helped with my education etc.

 

Meanwhile, he acts total victim to EVERYTHING. Oh the constant whining and his "rough, rough childhood" that we all "had to understand."

 

You know what? He crapped on MY childhood because of it. His constant Drunken abusive episodes were just ridiculous. But no one could say two words to him because "oh how dare you!?"

 

My mother constantly defended him. Right to D-Day.

She didn't see that coming.

 

Just like I didn't see my own D-day coming with my own husband who had this "rough, rough" childhood as well.

 

But for me, it made me snap. I empathized with him for awhile. CLEARLY he had PROBLEMS. He was a "good guy" who was "troubled" and we had an infant together.

 

Well, a year and a bit drags on. More D-days and inappropriate behaviours. More excuses. And I am sick to crap of hearing about his "oh so sad" childhood. I had a stupid childhood too, and I was not up for having a stupid adulthood to top it off with.

 

PLUS: my parents. I always wondered when my father would ever get past this "childhood" excuse for treating everyone like garbage. Then I realized, he wouldn't. There was no incentive for him to be an adult prior to D-day because my mother shielded him from all consequences. Even on D-day he was freaking out saying "I can't feel the love right now [dreamingoftigers' Mom.]" Like, really? She was supposed to fall all over him begging?

 

He was in his 50s and still hasn't grown up.

 

I wasn't in the market for that crap from my own husband. I looked him straight-up and told him I wasn't going to accept his crappy ass behaviour anymore because even though he HAD been a hurt kid, he was no longer a hurt kid. He was now an adult that had to take responsibility for his crap. And if he didn't, he was going to HURT OUR KID with his entitled bullcrap behaviour.

 

Well, he left. And I carried on. I 180ed and I went LC. One night he called to talk to our daughter and did a sobby "oh I'm so sorry, Daddy sucks" kind of self-pity call where he cried and she was absolutely confused asking him when he's coming home etc.

 

So he gets on the phone with me and says about how "I make it so hard" blah blah. I let him have it both barrels. I told him how he was in his 30s and he IS NOT doing the "your Mom made it too hard to be your Dad" BS excuse with her. I told him "you ARE NOT DOING THAT TO THIS KID. You know exactly what you need to do to be a Dad. Now cut the crap or butt out. But don't you dare do the same in and out weepy crap that your biological mother did to you.

 

Anyhow any time he made the whole " life's so rough" whinges after that, I pretty much said "well it's a good thing you are resourceful then" etc. He can figure shyte out. He's not an idiot.

 

Those events were awhile ago and he's gone to counseling, quit his drinking, gotten back to being more like the guy I married and even just brought me some dinner.

 

As for my Dad, there's been some growth there, but he's still determined that "everyone doesn't get me" or whatever whiny crap. The latest is that he will probably lose part of his foot to his insistence on drinking while diabetic. So he's been throwing petulant temper tantrums about having to change his diet. Wailing at my mother last week about his food screaming "about the diet SHE put him on." Boo-hoo. No she didn't. He got it from his doctor and my mother is trying to be supportive with his meals. Yet she's in the vicinity, so it's HER FAULT. Right, she gave him diabetes.

 

Your dad sounds just like my WH dreamingoftigers. Too bad I am going to give it all to my kids and not him after False R. The martyr act doesn't work on me anymore. What the ef is wrong with these guys?

Edited April 7, 2016 by ladydesigner

[Honourably honest]

Sparkles, as a mother how would you feel if some bloke was behaving like this with your daughter? You'd probably be creaming at her to get out, I guess.

I have kids, and if their step dad insisted on shouting at them I'd be pretty unhappy. Kids need to have funn before they get the exposure to real unpleasant life.

I don't know you from Adam, but you deserve happiness, a happy life and to be special. I'm not seeing it.

Separating won't be easy, coming away from a comfort zone never is, but you need to. If it's innocent chat you are seeing, after he's been told to stop, it may as well be sexting. He doesn't care about you, or your feelings.....he wants to be the rat up the drainpipe. Would he like you texting a significant other?

Come on, you can do better than this, your kids deserve better than this, and life is passing by.

[EMT girl]

Can it work? I tried to make it work for 9 years. My exH was remorseful, weepy, all of that, but I still couldn't get it out of my head. (Then he became annoyed when I so needed to talk about it) 9 years later, we had a fight and boom! He comes out with how hot she was, how he should have stayed with her.

 

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but frankly, if you're not even married-I'd be really thinking about where your future is going. If he won't help you to work through your betrayal, why would you marry him?

 

I have 4 kids, my oldest is 19, my youngest is 10, and I can tell you-staying with a cheater is not any kind of example for your children. I stayed, and I regret it. Almost a decade of hurt and anxiety could have been avoided.

 

Good luck, OP.

[SoleMate]

OP, you are unmarried with no kids?

 

If so, then leave him. He has no remorse and isn't fixing this.

[heartwhole]

Totally agree Joie, I think he knows I'm on to him. I just can't bring myself to talk to him about it, I really want to. Maybe it's that little bit of me thinking he will change? I think I have decided that enough is enough, I feel like I'm turning a blind eye and I certainly don't want to. I've had constant headache all week and I know it's because of stress. Why can't I just bloody confront him! Am I scared of breaking down again? He surely can't hurt me anymore than he already has.

 

They call this rug-sweeping. I do hope you can begin to address the issues rather than avoiding them.

 

Of course you have hope that he can change. But the problem is, most people do not change in any fundamental or drastic way . . . How many people think they'd like to become a marathon runner but never put in the time or effort needed to do it? If he's going to change, it won't be because he just wakes up one day and decides that changing would be better than the cake-eating situation he's got going on. It will only be because he realizes it's the only way to keep his family together. And even then, he may decide that breaking up his family is better than changing. But I can guarantee you that he's not going to desire and enact change in his life when his poor choices are being tolerated and ignored for the sake of peace.

[ladydesigner]

Can it work? I tried to make it work for 9 years. My exH was remorseful, weepy, all of that, but I still couldn't get it out of my head. (Then he became annoyed when I so needed to talk about it) 9 years later, we had a fight and boom! He comes out with how hot she was, how he should have stayed with her.

 

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but frankly, if you're not even married-I'd be really thinking about where your future is going. If he won't help you to work through your betrayal, why would you marry him?

 

I have 4 kids, my oldest is 19, my youngest is 10, and I can tell you-staying with a cheater is not any kind of example for your children. I stayed, and I regret it. Almost a decade of hurt and anxiety could have been avoided.

 

Good luck, OP.

 

EMT girl I needed your post today. It definitely helped me! Thank you!

[Sparkles72]

Can it work? I tried to make it work for 9 years. My exH was remorseful, weepy, all of that, but I still couldn't get it out of my head. (Then he became annoyed when I so needed to talk about it) 9 years later, we had a fight and boom! He comes out with how hot she was, how he should have stayed with her.

 

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but frankly, if you're not even married-I'd be really thinking about where your future is going. If he won't help you to work through your betrayal, why would you marry him?

 

I have 4 kids, my oldest is 19, my youngest is 10, and I can tell you-staying with a cheater is not any kind of example for your children. I stayed, and I regret it. Almost a decade of hurt and anxiety could have been avoided.

 

Good luck, OP.

 

 

Thank you, this is what I want to avoid, hanging on for years thinking things will change.

[Sparkles72]

OP, you are unmarried with no kids?

 

If so, then leave him. He has no remorse and isn't fixing this.

 

Unmarried but one child together and I have 2 from a previous marriage. Been together 9 years.

[Honourably honest]

Sparkles, get rid. Do it for your children, if not for yourself!

[Sparkles72]

Sparkles, get rid. Do it for your children, if not for yourself!

 

Easy said then done, wish I didn't still love him. Emotions are everywhere at the moment

[Honourably honest]

Yes I get that, no easy decisions, but I'm sure you deserve better

[Sparkles72]

Been awhile but had it out with him and her. She was a clever cow via texts but she's got the message and has blocked him on FB. He said he wants nothing to do with her either. Yes we're still together, not sure if things will work out, time will tell I guess. But not a moment goes by were I don't think about them at it in our home :-(

[stilltrying16]

Sparkles, I just finished reading your thread. What he did to you was so cruel and thoughtless. Even worse was his rugsweeping.

 

I'm glad you confronted them but what exactly has changed? What his AP promised is not something you can reinforce. And he broke his word before when he was using FB messenger to her after promising NC. What has he done since to earn your trust? Is he in counseling, is he being proactive in trying to address your doubts?

 

You do seem in a different place from when you started this thread- less numbed by what he did and less willing to put up with his disrespect. Do you have a good exit plan in case you do decide to leave.

 

Also, if you haven't done so already, please have him sell that couch (it's the couch of his shame) and buy you a new one.

[Sparkles72]

Not a lot has changed to be honest. I'm having less bad days but I question myself so much, have I done the right thing staying with him? Does he think he's got away with it? I doubt our relationship will ever be the same again. I don't feel like the same person anymore.

 

I would love to take the sofa in the garden and burn it, all I think about is them on it, where I always sit! But we had such an hassle getting the bloody thing in the house when we moved (had to take the window out) no that isn't a good excuse but it's the cost and the hassle and I don't think it will take that memory away ever.

[stilltrying16]

I'm sorry, Sparkles. You said (on April 8) you didn't want to just hang on for too long waiting for things to change. And they haven't changed. What are you getting from the relationship at this point?

 

He seems to be one of those people who always gets his way quietly without lifting a finger. Almost everything has gone his way. At this point, you haven't been able to tell too many people because he's very private. You would like people to know, and since he cheated on you, this should be your decision, but no. And he won't go to counseling because, well, he just won't. You can't talk to him about the affair because he gets guilty and then moody and hard to deal with. You see how he's maneurvered you into isolation and silence?

 

You asked when you opened the thread if relationships can recover after an affair. I think very few can, and in those, both partners have to be fully committed to building a new relationship. When only one is willing, the building collapses.

 

So what do you get out this relationship? You said in your OP that

I just don't feel like me anymore, like something has died.

 

Please don't feel you have to settle for this. Is he still bringing something to your life that you really want and need? If not, what are you getting from staying?

 

Please keep posting. We're here for you whatever decision you make.

[dreamingoftigers]

Not a lot has changed to be honest. I'm having less bad days but I question myself so much, have I done the right thing staying with him? Does he think he's got away with it? I doubt our relationship will ever be the same again. I don't feel like the same person anymore.

 

I would love to take the sofa in the garden and burn it, all I think about is them on it, where I always sit! But we had such an hassle getting the bloody thing in the house when we moved (had to take the window out) no that isn't a good excuse but it's the cost and the hassle and I don't think it will take that memory away ever.

 

You won't be the same person again.

 

I am sorry to say it, but infidelity alters so much that you owe no commitment to staying OR going at the moment. You need to SLOWLY figure out what YOU need, and then plan for it. Ask your JA husband what you need from him, and if he isn't willing to give it, well, there you go. But truly, often, that isn't enough either.

 

When people divorce due to infidelity, most often it isn't out of "spite" or "bitterness." Infidelity simply burns everything to the ground, makes so much of your relationship a total cheap lie. It's pretty difficult to recover from that.

 

I just had a son two weeks ago. I still can't shake the feeling that I am a totally replaceable commodity to my husband. Especially as I heal and no sex is happening between us.

 

I am not going anywhere at the moment, but really, how long can one exist feeling this way without it coming to some kind of header?

[SoleMate]

You see how he's maneuvered you into isolation and silence?

Really important observation. OP, it's up to you if you want to continue to be isolated and stifled. You're trying to tiptoe the special path that will keep our life from imploding.....but that path is illusory. I suggest you start making your own choices and let the chips fall where they may.

[Sparkles72]

I don't know what I want anymore stilltrying16 my head has been all over the place these past months. We are back to how we was before, in the normal relationship routine, except more sex, I went off it for a year or so. Guess that's why he went looking.

 

Can't remember if I've already mentioned this but it's his porn addiction that grates me now. He's always looked at porn and he knows how I feel about it. I know he still looks at it because he's crap at clearing his browsing history. It makes me wonder if that's what this "fling" was, a porn fantasy. As he did things to her what he views on his phone, things that we don't do. And the night I caught them out she was off as soon as it was over. (I found out by using a digital recorder) even though he wanted her to stay.

 

Also the last time we were intimate he wanted to do the position he did with her, we don't do it that way often, and I know it's mad but I just cried afterwards because it just reminded me of her and him again :-(

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know what I want anymore stilltrying16 my head has been all over the place these past months. We are back to how we was before, in the normal relationship routine, except more sex, I went off it for a year or so. Guess that's why he went looking.

 

Can't remember if I've already mentioned this but it's his porn addiction that grates me now. He's always looked at porn and he knows how I feel about it. I know he still looks at it because he's crap at clearing his browsing history. It makes me wonder if that's what this "fling" was, a porn fantasy. As he did things to her what he views on his phone, things that we don't do. And the night I caught them out she was off as soon as it was over. (I found out by using a digital recorder) even though he wanted her to stay.

 

Also the last time we were intimate he wanted to do the position he did with her, we don't do it that way often, and I know it's mad but I just cried afterwards because it just reminded me of her and him again :-(

 

Okay, this is totally eating into your self-esteem and your sanity.

 

Generally, I say "oh choosing to leave or stay is a 110% personal decision."

 

But another thing I live by is: "If your relationship is damaging your self-esteem or your sanity, it is time to go. Because if your sanity / self-esteem fails you CAN'T have a healthy relationship anyway, so you end up with neither."

 

He hasn't shown you respect. He, in fact, is showing incredible disrespect toward you (not uncommon among cheaters and porn addicts, you can read some of my older threads if you want to see just how bonkers these guys can get, I didn't even post everything). And that disrespect eclipses the rest of it.

 

You'll find 10,000 threads on here where people love their significant others. But in those same 10,000 threads one partner will be actively disrespecting the other and the relationship is hurting one or both of them due to that.

 

My experience with my cheater was that it affected my relationship with my daughter. I DID feel a lot of empathy for my husband, but it took me realizing that despite his childhood issues, he was no longer a "hurt kid." He was a man in his mid-thirties whose instability was hurting OUR kid. That was what got me to put up steel boundaries until he was willing to stop and examine his own behaviour.

 

You've got a great opportunity here to reach down into the core of you and love and respect yourself enough to pull yourself out of this circumstance. (No pressure, eh?)

 

For me it started with the smallest thing I could do for myself to show myself that I cared for myself. It snowballed from there.

 

But I get it, you are SO HURT that this has absolutely torpedoed you in every vulnerable area. And the way he acts towards you will just exacerbate it. He doesn't get it. At all. If he did, he never would have cheated. He might "kinda get it" if he loses heavily, has time to reflect, stops the abberant behaviour and THEN can look back at the damage done. Otherwise, he will just get away with what he can. He will run over every standard of decency and respect. Or he will waffle back and forth on it. Whatever.....

 

chumplady has a TON of fellow folk who have been through this circus. I found it in general to be a great support to be able to vent those feelings that aren't often accepted in other circles. (Try not to let it affect your ability to trust anyone ever again, and try not to get too jaded etc.)

 

Please keep posting.

[ladydesigner]

You won't be the same person again.

 

I am sorry to say it, but infidelity alters so much that you owe no commitment to staying OR going at the moment. You need to SLOWLY figure out what YOU need, and then plan for it. Ask your JA husband what you need from him, and if he isn't willing to give it, well, there you go. But truly, often, that isn't enough either.

 

When people divorce due to infidelity, most often it isn't out of "spite" or "bitterness." Infidelity simply burns everything to the ground, makes so much of your relationship a total cheap lie. It's pretty difficult to recover from that.

 

I just had a son two weeks ago. I still can't shake the feeling that I am a totally replaceable commodity to my husband. Especially as I heal and no sex is happening between us.

 

I am not going anywhere at the moment, but really, how long can one exist feeling this way without it coming to some kind of header?

 

B-I-N-G-O yep this^ this is exactly what I am doing!

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe you just need to separate for a bit and get some space to yourself until you can process some if this

 

If he's serious about fixing this, he will be all over it.

 

If he's not, he'll just treat it like a Hall Pass.