Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[Maria46]

Peachtree,

 

How can you say some of those things???

 

Seen her pleasuring him sexually? I didn't think so. Maybe if you'd been more concerned about sexual pleasure and less about quilting, he'd have stayed more interested in you. Maybe even interested enough to marry you, but instead it looks like he may very well marry the OW. He really isn't cheating on anyone anyhow. You are not his spouse. And having children with someone does not require the parents to be a family together... not anywhere in the U.S., thank God for that

 

You sound like you are the wine saleslady... The comments you make IMO would come from an OW.

 

You don't have to be married to cheat on a relationship.

 

Your constant overdramatizing of this situation, to the point of out-of-control, violent behavior--even while insisting to him that he stop all contact with his lover....pathetic, just pathetic

 

Pathetic?? Overdramatizing??? Peachy, sometime in your life you may be in this situation and see how you react. You will be eating your words. When your MM decides you are not the right OW for him. A relationship is not just sexual pleasure.

 

 

I know I probably opened a can of worms by responding to this, but what you said and how you said it is totally uncalled for.

[katlyn]

Originally posted by peachtree

dresden, dresden.....give up on him because he obviously doesn't love you--not a great loss since he's such a ****. You really need to face reality now, and to understand that the OW has his heart and SHE is the one he wants, not you. You keep talking about how beautiful you are, and how fat and ugly the OW is, but have you ever seen her naked? Seen her pleasuring him sexually? I didn't think so. Maybe if you'd been more concerned about sexual pleasure and less about quilting, he'd have stayed more interested in you. Maybe even interested enough to marry you, but instead it looks like he may very well marry the OW. He really isn't cheating on anyone anyhow. You are not his spouse. And having children with someone does not require the parents to be a family together... not anywhere in the U.S., thank God for that. Also, it's just a guess on my part, but I'm thinking his lover probably doesn't throw things at his head, causing injuries requiring numerous stitches. Your constant overdramatizing of this situation, to the point of out-of-control, violent behavior--even while insisting to him that he stop all contact with his lover....pathetic, just pathetic. The OW is not just a diversion, as you called her. She is the the woman that he wants to be with. This is blatantly obvious. You are not the woman he wants to be with. Get over it.

 

peachy

 

I find your response interesting, peachtree. You first registered here within the past month, you've posted only 3 times - and all of your responses have been hostile and poking fun at the female posters who were clearly upset and hurting. i find it more interesting that you would be so "sure" of yourself in this response to Dresden - you sound like someone who's taken her situation personally. Are you the wine saleslady? I imagine if Dresden's husband did any searching on the computer, he could have found that she posts here, and if so, he could have shared it with his mistress (wine saleslady) because what valuable info for them both to have hid their affair and finding out what Dresden's future plans are. You sound very angry for someone who's just an infrequent poster here.

 

How rude, not to mention odd, that you would throw Dresden's pain in her face and suggest she should have spent less time quilting and more time pleasing her husband. How do you know how much time she spent quilting? Do you think women should just sit at home, at their man's beck and call, have no interests or hobbies - just be there to greet him at the door with his slippers and a plate of homemade cookies?

 

Perhaps the only reasons he's banging the mistress is because she's benefitting him somehow financially, as his business and finances seem to be in such disarray. Maybe he's just using her.

 

Add to that, if Dresden's husband wasn't happy, he could be man enough to end the relationship and then bed other women - as opposed to slinking around and being a pathological liar. He is a coward.

 

So peachtree, who are you - really?

 

Dresden: is there any chance your guy is aware you post here and is reading your posts to find out what your thoughts are and what your next move will be? All he would have to do is check your Temporary Internet Files / History Files. Could he have done that?

[Mz. Pixie]

Peachtree-

 

As a former OW, let me tell you your post was rude and appalling. I find that anytime someone needs to take the time to say something like this- you're trying to justify your own actions. Don't bother, I've been where you are, and there is no possible way to justify what you're doing.

 

She loves this man for some reason. He obviously loves her or he would be gone by now. Did you read the whole thread?? She told him to go, he said he didn't want to.

 

I find it heartbreaking also that you would be in this much pain to come here and take it out on someone you don't even know. Perhaps some counseling might help you??

 

Dresden- don't take anything that this poster says seriously. You know who here has your best interest at heart. Put them on ignore.

 

I'm not going to give you a hard time for your decisions- I just hope you don't get hurt any more by him or his actions. Take care of you!

[dresden]

Wow. Who the heck is Peachtree? A pathetic excuse for humanity. I won't answer her except to say that I don't quilt that much, moron, because I am also raising a family, taking classes at Harvard (that's right, b*tch) and having regular sex with my husband. We enjoy it very much TOGETHER. Finally, as everyone knows, I have told him to leave and even packed his bag a dozen times and he always says no. He doesn't want to live with OW or have any long-term relationship with her. It's just sex for them, and if you are T O'C, you better wake up to the fact that he isn't your future. Move on, and preferably out of my town. You will never be welcome here, I'll make sure of that. He does not love you, he has told me many many times. You should have stayed with M, your handsome husband.

 

Anyhoo - venting done. We had a very good weekend together, lots of time with our daughter, watching baseball, eating out, working out together. It felt like our normal life again.

 

I told him I want my "happy glow" back and he said he wants to work on that. He has said over and over he won't lie to me any more. He showed me his cell phone call list and the locked trunk of his car to prove it.

 

We are discussing the future. We are planning on closing his current business and doing something else, probably in Florida.

 

Maria, I have started a journal. I also have a mantra - I start repeating "I am better than that" when I feel angry or think about them together. I am better than their sordid immorality and their waste of their own lives just for sex.

 

I do have a GYN/OB appt. but it's not until Sept. That's how busy the doc is (why didn't I go to med school?).

 

I feel hopeful but wary, calm, much more focused (read all the newspaper today), and kind of looking forward to the future. I am looking at job listings and investigating nursing school. I been given a referral to a group that helps women in transition where I can get help with a host of issues. So many friends at the quilt show (it was wonderful, LJ) offered me a place to stay along with lots of hugs and love and support. Very different from what the OW is getting in her life.

 

Did I overdramatize? What the heck does PeeTree know? She obviously doesn't have a life and love worth protecting? She obviously has no family either. I am doing all this (as is he) for our kids. We are working hard at being calm, honest and caring with each other.

 

I love LS. On a daily basis, this has been a place of healing for me. I bless you all.

[lust4life]

I am reading this thread correctly? You started out just wondering if he was having an affair and then shortly after found out he was, and that she lives close enough for you to go to her house. He was out of the house you share (but it is his moms name) and that was just 4 days ago and now he is back in the house with you?

 

 

I don't know who peachtree is but she certainly has selfesteem issues and thinks she looks hot naked but horrible clothed?? Whomever she is believes all her selfworth comes from between both sets of lips and is only a justifable woman if a man has penetrated them! Good Lord, doe she have issues!

 

I feel badly for the man that posted about his wife having an affair and the guy who was a cad lost his job- He shouldn't shoulder any responsibility for what that Other guy did to his OWN family. The Married man having an affair at work jeopardized his families wellbeing by the choices HE made. Affairs are destructive, work affair are just flat out right assinine!

[dresden]

L4L, I am in the relationship for now, trying so hard to make it work. He is trying too. We are trying to be together for the sake of our 10yo, whom we both adore.

 

He has never really been out of the house. I tried but just couldn't let him go.

I have a lot of time and love invested in this relationship. He has never seemed to be really committed to OW. I asked him to leave many times but he has never wanted to live with her.

 

I am trying not to hate him, not to think about them together, not to dwell on past situations (like, that night when he came home at 3, was he with her?). It's hard but I want to try because I do still love him, and I don't want our youngest to grow up in a non-intact family. He agrees with me.

 

Now, to look on the bright side: I found LS and have gotten so much LUV and support. I have confided in friends who have rallied around me and my kids. And I have lost about 20 pounds and all my clothes are too big. :-)

[lust4life]

The infidelity diet! I was a size 6 then dday hit I went to a size four now after 2 + years of daitng my own H I am up to a size 8-10.

 

Will he marry you? I think you should get married. This takes all of ten minutes at the JPs office. You really do need to protect yourself and your child by getting some legal rights.

 

 

If he is coming home at 3 am you can bet he is up to no good. Is that really how you want to allow your life to be? He isn't being a good guy here if he is staying out until 3. It sounds more like you are training yourself to share him. Atleast if he were married he would have a set of moral vows to live by. Ya know?

[Ladyjane14]

You've got a long row to hoe still in recovery....but I'm a firm believer that it CAN happen. And further, that the relationship can be even better than it ever was before.

 

I hope that will hold true for you.

 

 

 

(And I can't BELIEVE that ANYONE would have some bogus-ass comment about quilting. Probably just jealous and can't thread a frickin' needle!)

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by peachtree

And having children with someone does not require the parents to be a family together... not anywhere in the U.S., thank God for that.

 

This atittude may help you when a man leaves you with children some day!

Just tell him "I know you love the other woman, good luck, darling!"

[dresden]

L4L, thanks for the laugh. Yes, the infidelity diet - I am in a better place now but still only eating 2 meals a day - no appetite. I don't know about marriage - maybe someday but he'll have to do a lot of changing.

 

Thanks, LJ, for your hopeful words about recovery. He is being more responsive about where he is, how I can reach him, etc. He has contacted the MC again and says if she doesn't call today he will find someone else. Last night he said over and over "I really want to go to MC with you."

 

And RP, you lovely person - you also gave me a good laugh. How is your situation?

[Mz. Pixie]

Dres-

 

Things are looking up. Good to hear!

[Maria46]

am glad things are a little better for you but keep your eyes and ears open. If you see any of the old stuff happening, put an end to it.

 

I am hoping that you two get to MC soon. That will help.

 

And as for Peachtree. Think about it. You know who that is. When did you show your partner one of the threads from here?? About three to four weeks ago??? And if it isn't her, or even if it is her, it is a very sick woman doing this. She has only posted three times here and none of her posts show any compassion at all. A very hateful person who in reality, has no idea what a real relationship consists of. Don't even worry about her or respond to her posts. The rest of us will take care of that.

 

 

Take care.

[latesleeper]

hi dresden,

i haven't posted for a long time, but i want to say that i admire how you've handled this whole thing. you certainly have a lot of strength and personal power. to take him back into your life after what he has done -- that takes a hell of a lot of self-love and faith. i'm not sure i would have the same strength if i were in your place. reading about you here made me feel some of the pain and despair, and i admire you for doing what you've done for yourself (even with slight hiccups . i hope that your SO knows what he has and treasure you.

All the best.

[dresden]

Hi Latesleeper:

Thanks for your kind words. It has been a heck of an awful summer. I am so much better now though, which I kind of didn't expect. I don't cry anymore. I feel so much more able to cope. I have ALOT of anger but I keep repeating my mantra ("I'm better than that"). He has contacted 3 MCs - all busy but one gave him a referral to someone else. It's day by day, trying to hold it together and keep those pictures from popping up in my head.

 

Maria, you know my plan. If that SOB slips up once, I'm gone. I put the kid in the car and go to Seattle. He'll never see her again. I am the custodial parent.

 

But there is a potential of a lot of money from a real estate sale so like you told me before, I am trying to see it through.

 

He is genuinely sorry and guilty and keeps crying and saying he ruined everything. He is suffering now - GOOD!!!

 

I don't think Peachtree has the huevos to come back.

 

Luv ya so!

[rble618740]

Dresden:

 

I have read every word of every post on your situation. I want you to know that because I would hate for you to think I was making the statement I'm about to make without having taken the time to get to know as much as I can about your situation.

 

The decision of whether to continue in this relationship is yours. I stayed in a relationship that my family and friends felt I should leave, and my husband has invested a lot of love and effort into making our marriage better than I ever thought it could be. So...I believe that things can get better and I believe that you have to make the decision that is right for you or you will never have a sense of peace.

 

The thing that concerns me MOST about your posts is your reactionary tendencies and the conditional nature of your happiness. Your happiness seems to depend on what your man is doing at any given moment. During this very emotional time, you've let his actions control your feelings and then you've made your decisions based on those feelings. I think maybe some reading on developing boundaries will help with this. Just a suggestion.

[Maria46]

You are saying that if he slips up again, you are running off with his child. Honey, don't use your child to punish him. When you do that, it is also punishing your child. Think twice before you do that please.

 

Am glad all is calm on the home front at this time. And I do hope you can get to see MC soon.

[dresden]

RBL, I am trying to set some boundaries now. I have never been in this situation before and I have so much invested, not only for myself but also for my children. I don't know that I love him anymore. He is now insisting on MC. He seems to want to save this marriage more than I do.

 

Maria, I know, I know, but I feel like I just want to run away and start fresh. I am okay but so so angry.

[RecordProducer]

Dresden, I think it's normal that your mood depends on his actions on a daily basis, but I see her point. You should turn to yourself and your kids and career and school and friends and hobbies and not depend on him emotionally so much. The worst thing that can happen to a woman in a marriage is to be emotionally and financially dependent on the husband. And you seem to be both at this moment.

So my warmest suggestion would be that you try and recover from those two dependencies slowly but surely. A good job/career and lots of things you do for yourself will make him more interested in you and will make YOU more interested in YOU and less in him.

In any case, what happened to the OW? Is he seeing her? As much as I understood he wants to work on the marriage and give up the OW. Am I correct? I would wish that so much for you.

[NiCoLe20]

yeah really... wth would you want to stay with a man that has been sleeping and having an emotional affair with another woman?

 

do you have any type of respect for yourself? he moved out- let him STAY out.

 

what kind of example are you setting for you daughter? if a man cheats and has a relationship with another woman, when you take him back its ok?!!! be a role model for your daughter, if you cant do it for yourself, and show that this is not acceptable!!!!

 

by slowly taking him back, this shows him that your somewhat ok with the situation and that you'll forgive & forget eventually.

 

get out, grow up, and start a new life without this man!!! find someone who respects and loves y0u.

 

also, im pretty peeved to read that you drove drunk WITH your daughter in the car?!! how old is she?! what kind of mother would endanger her childs life like that?!! you need therapy..please!!!

 

sorry so harsh but this has to sink in ur head... move on!

[NiCoLe20]

im placing bets there will be another thread that reads:

 

took back "husband" now hes back with OW, what to do?!

 

[dresden]

We went to dinner at friends' and had a very long argument/discussion when we got home. I am having a hard time forgiving as you all know.

 

Today, he again locked his cellphone in his car. So I locked him out of the house and asked to see his cell. 20 minutes of denial and confrontation. No yelling or crying.

 

During this, my 18yo accused him of 10 years of sexual abuse. He completely denies it. I told her we would go to police station to report it and she refused. I told her I would get her counseling and she refused.

 

I don't believe it happened. I did not tell her that. I was abused as a child and have always been very sensitive to the signs of it.

 

But my husband suddenly realized that his actions have affected the entire family. He has caused my 18yo to lie to hurt him. He has caused our 10yo to call him "the biggest jerk in the world."

 

He showed me his cell after this. He called OW for 10 minutes yesterday. It was a business call according to him. He deleted her name off his contact list (again) and promised not to call her again for business or anything. He also promised to show me his cell every night and to no longer lock it in his car. We are both hoping to move out of this town soon.

 

Surreality: After all this, he took me and the girls out to lunch. He spent a lot of time talking to 18yo about college plans, etc. She seemed calm and okay and not uncomfortable. Our 20yo son is in NH for weekend but she said that son saw husband on some occasions so I am waiting to talk to him for verification.

 

Husband said it's time we all start being a family again. I am in limbo. I do love him but I told him that he created our very own Nagasaki and he readily admitted it. Would MC help at this point? I am seeing a therapist on my own on Monday.

[NiCoLe20]

omg unbelievable...

 

this is my guess... hmm- the reason your 18 y/o daughter ''lied'' about him molesting her waqs probably because she wants you to leave this man and get away from him....

 

you really need to look at reality here. idk if youve had much experience in relationships but how do you find this acceptable?!!! why is it so hard to get out and move on? is it because your unemployed and have no financial status?! dont cling onto him b/c you have no money... this whole time you spent on here talking about your problem (common sense and 85% of people would most likely agree that leaving would be the best thing to do) you couldve found a job to support yourself.

 

thats the last of my comments basically.... your so blinded by this so called ''love'' you have no respect for yourself. i dont see how anyone on here could feel bad or pity you... it really is a shame.

[Maria46]

My thoughts here

 

Cell phone call for ten minutes. Business related??? Doubt it, but he needs to change suppliers or contacts with the company.

 

It will be good for you to see counselor by yourself.. My counselor was so helpful with me and my sanity (which I thought I was losing).

 

Hang in there. Be strong!!

[Maria46]

I have been thinking about your daughter for hours now. Wondering if maybe there is some truth to what she said.

 

My sister and I were both sexually abused by our church minister when we were 6 & 4 years old. I know that I never said a word about it until 14 years later.

 

Maybe your daughter was telling the truth. You confronted your partner when she was standing there and of course it put her on the spot.

 

Talk to your daughter seriously about this "one on one". You need to explain, that if it did happen, she needs to tell you the truth. Let her know that you will not make her confront your partner.

 

How many abused children change their stories when their abusers are staring at them?? How many abused children have been threatened about telling what happened? How many abused children are terrified after they do tell?

 

I hope for her sake that she was making this up.

[dresden]

She is telling the truth. I spoke to my son. I spoke to my husband. Then I went to the police.

 

My 18yo will go speak with them later this morning. They have arranged for a woman sargeant to be available to take her statement.

 

My husband still completely and utterly denies it. But I now remember a few times when I found him in her room at night laying on top of her bed and having a very unsettled feeling about it. My son has seen things too.

 

So the affair becomes wallpaper. Isn't that funny? He started this affair, became so reckless about it that I discovered it after they had been seeing each other for almost a year, and I thought it was the most devastating thing in the world. And now I don't even care. And any love I had for him is gone - because this is unforgiveable.

 

Everything changes now. My 10yo will have to go to public school. I had already planned on sending out my resume next week but now it becomes imperative. Our house will be sold and hopefully I will get some money from that to resettle my family. And all the hard choices to come: where to live? Seattle? Boston? Somewhere else? How to afford therapy for all of us. Will my husband end up in jail?

 

I let him stay on the couch tonight but that was stupid. I can't sleep thinking about the monster in my house and my blind arrogance about my happy little world and what a great job I was doing as a wife and mom.