Was my ex gf a narcissist?

[Harvey84]

I haven't seen her nor heard from her in over 2 months. I've been left feeling confused, suicidle, no self esteem, doubting myself and ultimately my head is all over the place. Been looking for answers that I will never get so I've been doing research on narcissism and other forms of mental illness. I was with her for 2 years. Here are some of the signs:

 

First time I met her she was all over me from the start. Kissing me, even stayed at mines that night. I only found out recently she had been in a 1 year relationship and been dumped 2 days before she met me. Something she never told me.

 

The first year together she made me feel special. Was always around for me, buy me nice gifts and couldn't do enough. She took me away on holiday and I fell in love with her. Made me feel awesome.

 

We spoke about engagement. Told her we had plenty of time for that and I loved her and no need to rush things. This caused our first argument and she was at that time going to move in with me but because of my comment on engagement wasn't what she wanted to hear she refused to move in. Said if your not going to show commitment then neither am I. The last time I spoke to her she admitted she had her defences up ever since that night.

 

Over the last year she withdrew her affection from me. Wouldn't visit me as much, always used the excuse she was tired. I would always have to initiate sex and she never was the same.

I became the needy one, asking if she was coming over. She would look miserable at times and I'd ask her if she was ok, she would reply the same excuse im fine just tired.

I would pull her up on things I felt weren't right and she would call me a moaner, tell me to drop it etc. Sometimes she would go back to the girl I loved at the start. Caring, loving but would only keep it up for a few days then back to the the unhappy sad looking girl.

 

I only pulled her up on things because I could tell things weren't right. Her response would be to hang up if we were on the phone. If we were together she'd pack her bags and storm out. Would give me the cold shoulder for a day or too and this treatment would continue for the last year or so. Causing me to become codependant, anxious and mentally all over the place. I loved her and would of done anything for her just to see her smile again. Said to her countless times if your not happy in this relationship just tell me. She said she was happy, loved me every time.

 

So her lack of effort and affection caused me to approach her a lot, say that isn't right. She would snap at me telling me I'm not the same person and need to get back to my old self. Started making me feel like I was the one going crazy. I was walking on eggshells by this point. Damned if I do damned if I don't.

 

Every time we argued she would end things and I would always go running back to her and sort it out.

She never had many friends and her family kept there distance from her too.

 

If I done something to get her angry she would not visit, withhold intamacy from me, silent treatment for days, just stuff she knew would get to me and hurt me.

 

The last time I heard from her was by text. I told her she really needs to listen to me and what I want in the relationship and together we compromise. That's how a healthy relationship works. I got a text back saying bye bye and never heard from her again. She blocked me on everything, deleted all trace I ever existed. No closure, no explanation and the ultimate head f*** and hurt like I never had before.

 

The thing is, she told me I was the love of her life. Right up until the last time I saw her. I gave her opportunities to leave and I don't understand how someone can be so cruel to me when I treated her with care and love.

I can't get her out my head and everyday I wake up it's like a nightmare.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

NO, I do not believe she was a narcissist, just someone who invested a lot in a relationship to find you were not going to progress it, and so she spent a year sad and angry instead of just dumping you as soon as she found that the two of you were not on the same page.

[Harvey84]

For the last year I was the one investing everything into the relationship.

She knew I wasn't going anywhere and told her I would propose when I was ready, we had only been together for a year at that point. I said to her we should try living together first. So I cant see how there was no progression.

[elaine567]

For the last year I was the one investing everything into the relationship.

She knew I wasn't going anywhere and told her I would propose when I was ready, we had only been together for a year at that point. I said to her we should try living together first. So I cant see how there was no progression.

 

The problem occurred was when she wanted engagement and commitment, and you said you weren't ready, whatever you did afterwards couldn't make up for that fact.

She withdrew from you then, and things went from bad to worse.

YOU hurt her, and she never really got over it, no matter how hard you tried to make things better.

As I said at that point she should have cut her losses and ran, but I guess "love"/habit/scared of being alone etc. took over, and she stayed in the relationship, but her heart was no longer in it.

[BlueIris]

I agree with Elaine. She wanted a committed relationship and you didn’t, so she left. That's not mental illness. That's healthy.

 

I don't know what you mean by "investing everything" into the relationship because you didn't get engaged but it sounds as though you resent what you were giving or you felt overburdened. If that's the case, it's good it's over.

[Harvey84]

She knew i was committed. I just said we had plenty of time to get engaged. We had spoke about going travelling together first as we had nothing tying us down.

So instead of continuing to love me the way she did and respecting my opinion she withdrew herself over 1 comment I made. Is that how you love someone and show them your there future wife?

What I mean by investing everything is for the last year I have shown her how much I loved her. Told her I'd get engaged but not when as thats the whole point. You surprise them, make it romantic. I did everything for her and in the end I forgot who I was. It was all about her and I developed anxiety and stress through it.

I just feel like I loved her but she didn't love me anymore.

She wouldn't of discarded me the way she did by text message with no explanation after 2 years if she really did love me.

Thats the way I see it and I cant help but feel like ive been used.

[BlueIris]

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Harvey, she might have loved you- might still love you- but realized that you two weren’t in the same stage of life or didn’t have the same goals in life. That can be painful because we lose or give up hopes and dreams about someone we do love, but that we just know we can’t build a life with.

 

We never truly know what another person “knows” inside. Maybe to her, only planning marriage demonstrates commitment to a lifetime together. That might not be necessary for you, while still being necessary to her.

 

I don’t understand what you mean by “investing everything.” Maybe if you explain what you invested, it would clarify why you think she should have known you were committed to a lifetime with her. Were you financially supporting her? Were you making career sacrifices for her advantage, such as giving up a good job to move for her career? Can you explain what you mean by “investing everything?”

[Harvey84]

She wanted me to rent out my flat and move in with her, which she knows I was planning on doing.

She knew I had depression before I met her and how I had changed my life round and was starting over again. Told her she was my first serious relationship and I was taking things slowly and during the early stages she was cool with that.

I borrowed money to go to America with her, even bought a car so I could visit her more often as she felt like she was living out a bag and constantly driving up to see me.

When I borrowed money to go on holiday with her she suggested we both get bank loans to pay for it. I agreed and later found out she never borrowed any money and had a savings account that she used to go to America with.

I couldn't of invested anymore or put anymore into the relationship apart from propose.

She has a far better paid job than me and even at the weekends she would say she was skint and I'd pay to take her out for dinner even though I couldn't really afford it. I did it because I loved her and just wanted to see her happy. Found out today she bought a brand new car so I feel like I've been used and had my good nature taken advantage of.

The way she disappeared has left me depressed and last night I even wrote a suicide note.

[BlueIris]

… I borrowed money to go to America with her, even bought a car so I could visit her more often as she felt like she was living out a bag and constantly driving up to see me. …

 

I see. Those are indicators of commitment. Apparently not enough for her, though.

 

It really does sound as though the two of you were in VERY different stages and situations in life. She was ready to be engaged and live together and you weren’t.

 

Please don’t be suicidal over this. You were too different for it to work out and that happens sometimes. That does not mean that there is anything wrong with you at all or that you will never be in love again. You'll fall in love again one day.

[elaine567]

The way she disappeared has left me depressed and last night I even wrote a suicide note.

 

 

NO woman is worth taking your life over.

In 10 years you will be struggling to remember her name, believe me.

[Harvey84]

I told her numerous times I wanted to live together and get married and have kids. She knew I saw my future with her. Gave her all the reassurances she could want.

I wish she had just told me she didn't love me anymore or there was someone else. Yes it would of hurt but not as much as Im hurting now. To get a text saying bye bye after 2 years together and ghosting on me for over 2 months now is the worst thing to ever happen to me in my life. Its worse than someone you love dying, at least thats closure.

I can't go on with this pain I feel for too much longer.

[LostOnes05]

She sounds like a poor communicator to me. Anyone that plays the push and pull game and can't be direct in what they want is not ready for any kind of long term relationship...marriage would've made this worse.

 

Instead of saying outright that you weren't ready for marriage yet, you should've joked around and said "Hey, you never know when you might wake up to a few carats" and then went and got some carrots from the fridge. Make her laugh even when she's pissed.

[Emilia]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/571241-ask-bp-bpder

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is a good contender. Why don't you have a chat with Harmony on the above thread. Only people tend to understand it who have experienced it. My sympathies.

[Buddhist]

That doesn't sound like a narcissist, no. I've lived with one my entire life and you would never get a year of adoration and love from one. The best you get is adoration until some kind of commitment occurs then it's a swift road to hell after that. If she were a narcissist she would have moved in regardless around week three and then done a number on you. Narcissists are known for their close proximity, dominating behaviour and ability to manipulate you. That doesn't sound like what's occurred here.

 

It also doesn't sound like Borderline either. Borderlines aren't that stable for a year, and their lives are in constant crisis. That's not her pattern either. I think you'd be better off to stop trying to find an explanation for her behaviour and just finding acceptance that it's over.

 

It's pretty obvious to me that she invested for a good year then realised that you weren't going to offer up the commitment she was looking for in the time frame she wanted it. Instead of ending it at that point she tried staying in the relationship but the knowledge that you weren't there just wouldn't go away for her and her investment in it dwindled. Lots of people stay in relationships well after their investment in it has gone because they just can't face moving on. It's pretty obvious that the longer she stayed with you the less able she was to hide her frustration.

 

I would say she's emotionally immature, perhaps she is even a victim of a narcissist (they often display some of the relationship patterns of their abusers from time to time and also tend to be socially isolated, especially if the narcissist in her life was a family member). The fact she is isolated like that tells me she is less is likely to be an actual narcissist herself, narcissists are very good at maintaining a network of people they use. I think she's a woman looking for marriage because she lacks [self] love in her life and this is her fix for it. I think she probably needs therapy for whatever caused it but I doubt your story has all the hallmarks of a classic personality disorder.

 

The fact you've been affected is unfortunate but also something that you'll need to seek healing for if you want to avoid this relationship pattern in the future. Best of luck.

[Harvey84]

The full story is in an earlier post of mine:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567324-break-up-feel-rock-bottom

[Emilia]

Still looks like Borderline to me