Learning how to set boundaries--some growing pains

[Zapbasket]

I'm starting a thread on this because I'm home from work feeling really bummed about an interaction I had with a coworker-friend, and I feel like I could use some encouragement in the process of learning how to set better boundaries with people.

 

I've always been, and still am, a huge giver of benefit of the doubt. A friend told me over ten years ago, "You are more willing to give people second changes than anyone I've ever met." I always try to see things from the other person's point of view, historically to the point where I completely negate my own hurt feelings in an effort to keep the friendship. People--including people on LoveShack--also have observed about me that I seem to be unable to end relationships.

 

I've been in therapy for a while now and I'd say the theme of all the sessions is boundaries. How to recognize when someone is not invested in you before you become too invested in them. How to have the confidence to hold people to the same standards of conduct to which you hold yourself. Etc.

 

But lately I'm feeling like all I'm getting with setting better boundaries is the loss of acquaintanceships. I can't say, "friendships" because I've disinvested before they ever got that far after sensing attitudes and behavior that just don't feel good to be around.

 

Today, I confronted a coworker-friend about an exchange we had last week, that had left off with me telling her via text how specific behaviors of hers had made me feel devalued and disrespected, and she had never responded, even when she had tried to engage me at work several times. I posted about the interaction here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/business-professional-relationships/568491-boundaries-work-2.html#post6778316 (It's the very last comment that addresses this coworker-friend specifically.)

 

Today, she came into the office and I said, "You know, I texted you two replies and I feel they really deserve a response." Among other things, she said she had a lot going on last week and "to be honest, you really weren't a priority." She was defensive and condescending and seemed to make zero effort to understand where I was coming from. I left the interaction feeling like, "Nope, this is not someone who cares how I feel, nor does she seem to care much about our relationship." It isn't just this one instance, but the adding up of lesser instances over time that make me feel this is just not someone I can call a friend.

 

I feel really disappointed and perhaps confused, though I'm not sure it's confusion but maybe something else I can't name. It seemed in the beginning like we were embarking on a real friendship, something beyond just working together. I'd noticed that she never seemed to "have" time to get together socially, even for a quick drink, as she always wants to hurry home to spend time with her husband (they don't have any kids). I thought that was sweet, and I totally respect people who prioritize time with their spouse over everything else, even though I sometimes felt like she could afford to make SOME effort if she was as interested in being my friend as she claimed to be. But I never pressured her and just decided that she'd not be that friend I do things with, more a work friend, which was fine. This latest interchange was a truly unexpected lack of respect and seeming complete unconcern about whether we have a friendship or not. I'd noticed over time that she was a bit of a know-it-all, while also being quite provincial, and never asking me about my experiences before I moved here while talking about this place we live (and where she grew up) as the best place, the only place where people know about outdoors things, etc.

 

The way everything adds up, I just don't think she has what I want in a friend, and what's worse is that she acts like she has no respect for me at all. I feel the only thing to do is cut her off. And I just feel really bummed, like, "another one bites the dust." I have had SUCH A HARD TIME making friends where I live, and people I thought were friends all seemed to show, to my surprise, that really they had no investment in me whatsoever.

 

Does anyone have experiences to share? What I've talked about in therapy is that when you start setting boundaries and holding people to a standard of how you expect to be treated, the people unworthy of your care fall away and make room for sustaining, mutually respectful relationships with people who share similar values and most importantly, genuinely value ME. I seem to be in the "unworthy-people-falling-away" phase, with no real hint of the "sustaining, mutually-respectful-relationship" phase. Will it come? When you begin to hold yourself with more love and care, is it natural that you begin to notice better when people just aren't worthy of your investment? Is this just a phase I'm going through as I learn to set boundaries with people, to be less willing to give multiple chances to bad behavior, to be less willing to ignore signs of disrespect?

 

I feel really disappointed and low and of course, the fear that lurks under all this is, what if I keep encountering people who don't treat me with respect because I'm not respectable? Though I know that's a fallacious way of thinking and a leftover from my "old" way of relating to the world. As an example, another coworker heard the exchange with the coworker-friend (let's call her Sheila) today and came up to me when we were alone to ask if I was okay. She said, "Sheila has always come across to me as selfish and a know-it-all who has to be right and better-than above all else, and that totally seems how she just treated you right now."

 

Do I just carry on and trust that things will get better, that eventually I will meet people who truly care about me and about cultivating a more-than-superficial relationship with me, even if it means I ultimately might have to move from this small place to meet those people?

Edited February 17, 2016 by GreenCove

[266696687]

I think when you've had problems being too nice or lacking some boundaries in the past you find that you end up being surrounded by people who take advantage of your lack of boundaries and your nice attitude. People who take advantage of others are attracted to 'givers'. You are a giver and so naturally you are surrounded by takers.

 

When you wake up and realise you need to put in place firmer boundaries and take a look around you see that the people you have considered friends or acquaintances don't or haven't been treating you as they should. Either they lack respect for you or have been taking your friendship and giving nature for a ride without really giving anything back.

 

These people have been used to you as being a soft touch or think you will forgive any wrong or disrespect in order to hang on to them. They have been allowed to disrespect your friendship in the past or in previous situations and are expecting to get away with it again. This shows itself in the situation you have enountered with your friend. She has a total lack of respect for your feelings so much so that she doesn't feel you being heard or acknowledging you is even a priority. She will probably expect you to accept this and continue your friendship.

I would let her go. Interact on a professional level with no further contact outside of work. No texting, no swapping personal problems or friendly lunches. Emotionally remove yourself from this friendship.

 

The only advice I can give you is keep implementing boundaries.

 

Treat people how you expect to be treated. Let go of ones who don't treat you the same in return. If you feel someone is crossing a line with you then speak up. If they don't hear you or disrespect you in the same manner then leave them to it.

 

Things will get better eventually. As you implement stronger boundaries the types of people you attract into your life will change. At the moment you are in the early stages. Letting go of the ones you realise haven't been treating you well is part of that process.

 

Make sure you get out there though, look to meet new people. Trust your gut when making friends. If you feel like someone is treating you badly they probably are.

 

Get some counselling. It's worth understanding why you need firmer boundaries and help with implementing them.

 

Good luck!

[preraph]

If you don't have standards and boundaries even for friendships, you will simply attract the least responsible and caring people, people who no one would put up with who had any standards. You are too tolerant. I'm glad you're in therapy because now you'll find out how that got started. You have to filter people out to get the good ones. The good ones aren't going to hang out with someone with no standards or boundaries and who have unreliable acquaintances hanging around. But it's all within your control, so just keep up the therapy and sounds like it's really doing you some good. Best of luck.

[mikeylo]

It's a great step towards self improvement! What you need is a combination of will power, determination, self awareness,self control , inner strength and the desire ! It's very difficult in the beginning especially for the people who are used to stepping in other people's personal space and letting others as well. It's a skill learnt over a long period of time with lot of effort but so much worth it.

 

You might lose some people on the way but you will find more who will be like you in respecting boundaries.

 

Good luck !

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, guys. It seems you're all saying to stay the course, and eventually I will start to see some positive results.

 

I wrote a note to my coworker, "Sheila." We crossed paths as I was leaving work and she waved and smiled as though everything were fine. I decided I needed to disabuse her of that notion, since all I read in her blithe unawareness of the impact her words could have had on me earlier today was complete unconcern for my feelings, or my friendship, for that matter. Here's what I wrote:

 

I was surprised and upset by our conversation today. The details and instigating events don't really matter anymore because what overshadowed everything was your statement that you didn't acknowledge my texts because "to be honest, you really weren't a priority." Even if it's true, generally or in a situational context, it's a completely unacceptable thing to say to anyone, ever, no matter what you think of the person or their feelings or what is going on in your life. It goes beyond rudeness. I found your entire reaction to me to be dismissive, defensive, and condescending, and unless you can make a genuine apology or further clarify your intentions, I don't want to have any interaction with you going forward save for what's necessary for working in adjoining offices. The way you reacted to me is not something I can tolerate from either a coworker or friend.

I write this note to spell everything out, because you seem blithely unaware of, or worse, completely indifferent to how you have come across, which is the most disturbing thing in all of this.

 

What do you think? This also is new for me, because usually I spend days or months fretting over calling people out on their behavior, and I'm encouraged as well as maybe a little disturbed to find that at this point in my life, after all I have been through in recent years, I just don't care. I'm already not expecting her to get it, but at least this note will make her get that I want to be left alone unless she can find it in herself to apologize which, after the way she spoke to me (her whole attitude, not just the thing she said about my not being a priority), I don't expect at all.

 

You guys say that because I've always been kind and tolerant, I invite takers. Perhaps I can't understand the mentality of takers, because I can't seem to understand what I did that made them have zero respect for me? I am charismatic, attractive, talented, awake, have a sense of humor, and have a very high IQ--higher than most. Why don't any of these things and especially all of them together invite respect? When I've met anyone with this range of qualities, I feel only admiration and maybe a little intimidation. Why do people think they can walk all over me just because I'm "nice"? I mean, yes, I'm nice, very nice, but don't think that deep down I'm not very aware that I have quite a few more cylinders in the mix than most people I interact with. I don't say that to brag, only to say that often my niceness is patience upon the quick realization that a person is not as smart, overall, as I am. I always look in someone for smarts that I don't have, and appreciate that. I don't go around thinking I'm better than everyone, even though much of the time, yes, it's not lost on me that I am smarter than a lot of people, and more talented, and prettier, and sociable. I have a lot going for me so why do I keep attracting people who treat me like sh*t?

[Zapbasket]

What happened with my coworker today follows upon what happened at Whole Foods yesterday evening with the ex-friend or never-was-a-friend who was the subject of this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/565626-why-did-she-bother-contacting-me#post6731886.

That girl, Allison, was in Whole Foods yesterday, in the produce section talking on her phone. I was already bagging vegetables when I spotted her; we made eye contact, and she looked away without so much as a nod. I had tried to give a little smile, just to be polite.

 

So that answered that with that non-friend. She clearly is never going to bother to take steps to heal our rift even though she had texted me that she "misses me as a friend," so that's yet another one biting the dust that, in my mind, had bitten the dust two years ago except that then in January she texted me and, when I didn't do what I always used to do which is to instantly let bygones be bygones in order not to have conflict and to keep a friend, she must have read my response as a severance of all ties.

 

Is it the setting and maintaining of boundaries alone that commands respect? Meaning, if I keep with this course of standing by my standard of what behavior i will tolerate and what qualities I want in a friend, eventually do people take me more, what, seriously because I've made clear I'm willing to stick up for myself? I feel very motivated in this course because I am worn to the bone with being treated like sh*t by people I thought were caring figures in my life. How do I go about attracting good people who truly give a da*n about me? Is there something I'm doing that makes people not respect me? At the same time as all this is happening, I've been told that I'm very well liked and that people admire and are "intimidated" by me. So what gives? What can I do differently beyond really plugging down to set boundaries as I have done with Sheila?

[whichwayisup]

Today, she came into the office and I said, "You know, I texted you two replies and I feel they really deserve a response." Among other things, she said she had a lot going on last week and "to be honest, you really weren't a priority." She was defensive and condescending and seemed to make zero effort to understand where I was coming from.

 

If someone said that to me, I would stop making an effort and keep it light and professional at work from that point on. She more or less told you she doesn't consider you a close friend, let alone a priority in her life. Please don't stress too much about her, she's not worthy of your kindness and friendship. HER loss, not yours!

[Zapbasket]

If someone said that to me, I would stop making an effort and keep it light and professional at work from that point on. She more or less told you she doesn't consider you a close friend, let alone a priority in her life. Please don't stress too much about her, she's not worthy of your kindness and friendship. HER loss, not yours!

 

Thanks, WWIU. So then, do you think it was a mistake to send her the email (on FB, not work email in an effort to keep this whole fiasco out of work as much as possible) that I quoted above (about 2 posts up)?

 

I really think that regardless of whether you you think of someone as a friend or not, or respect them or don't, you just don't come out and state that the person is not a priority to you. And I'm not holding my breath for an apology from her. I have a sinking feeling that SHE will choose the "light and professional" route and just act as though she'd never seen my email. But the irony, in my eyes, is that SHE was unprofessional by being so rude--you're just not that rude to your coworkers as she was to me, regardless of whether you like them or not. No?

 

I just feel so exhausted with trying to find friends, thinking X or Y person is a friend, only to find that they don't want to be my friend. I don't know what could have made her pull away but I felt it...and now I'm the one feeling like I crossed some invisible boundary and am someone to be avoided at work or something. And weirdest of all was that she had me over to her family's house for Christmas Eve, looked elated that I was there, asked me if I would come again next year, and texted me thank you for coming and signed off, "Love you." So how the hell did we get here? I did not do anything to her but shortly after that I sensed some change in her; I just thought she was busy. I feel dazed by the mercurial vibes that I got from her.

 

In the name of professionalism, never mind just basic consideration of another human being, I would NEVER speak to a coworker with the attitude with which she spoke to me today. NEVER.

 

It's so hard for me not to feel like I did something to deserve this, even though I don't believe so. I need to go to sleep but I just feel awful. Emotionally exhausted, and awful.

Edited February 17, 2016 by GreenCove

[candie13]

OP, why are you beating yourself up about it ?'it's done & cannot be undone.

 

Irrelevant of right or wrong, I think... I think it's hard to make new friends when moving to a new place.

 

Now.... Your situation sounds very familiar. My dad was drinking when I was young. As a child of alcoholic parents, I am quite eager to please and off centered. Here is what I have realized: kids that grew up in upsetting or violent environments do not feel important, do not feel their emotions are important and do not express their emotions. Worse they deny them. So much that ... In The end, them become out of touch with their emotions, them become unable to recognize them. This is the real real problem.

 

You feel The others are more important. Now, try as much as you can to look inside and respect how you feel. I also think you attach too much importance to those around you. They are under no obligation to respond to your text. Buuuut ... You can draw conclusions and step away from them, emotionally. That's what I Think. Have no expectations.

 

If s person disappointed you repeatedly, You need to stop investing and stop expecting them to reciprocate. Your Work colleague couldn't care less.

 

Now, smile back & focus on meeting new people, making new friends. But be honest and always check about how you feel inside. Cheers !

 

Candie

[preraph]

I think your note was fine, though it being at work does complicate things some. But you let her know she was being a jackass and that you won't let her run all over you. She did insult you, so she had it coming. In the future, just completely ghost on anyone who is treating you bad or call them on it the minute they do it.

[GemmaUK]

Hello Greencove!

 

The work thread which I posted on I saw it - went away for a day - thought about it and suggested things you could do for yourself.

I saw your last post on there and my instinct said 'see what she does next time Sheila wants a pass'.

But...I wasn't sure so I didn't post.

 

What she said in response to you totally sucks. She is not your friend and is not someone you want as your friend - you know this already now.

Your potential friend here is the one who asked if you were OK.

 

Texting you out of hours is not on - you know it an you wouldn't do it yourself.

Anyone who does this you have a right not to reply out of work hours. Just nothing. If it is to your work mobile your reply at your work start time or thereafter. If this is on your personal mobile - never reply.

 

I have had an issue the past few years with someone for whom I should have set boundaries but I didn't. I had no idea things would get bad but they did.

Here is the story:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/510302-interested-know-what-you-would-do

 

As well as that though I have over time figured folk out who seriously see me as one to be manipulated work wise. They try their best but I know who they are now and I know not to reply to a group mail because...I don't need to.

I bide my time first and more often than not it gets all sorted out before I have had to y anything.

Failing that my reply is brief and directs the manager back to her team.

 

I actually keep a list of names and their repetitive behaviours in my work email now so I always remember that some ok are just NOT my friend.

If I have to deal with them I make myself remember their past behaviour.

 

Some reads for you:

The Respect Virus

When I Say No I Feel Gulity

and

These People are Not your Friends

 

All are on Amazon and can be down loaded to a Kindle. If you don't have a Kindle you can d/load a free app to read from our PC or phone.

[joseb]

 

Now.... Your situation sounds very familiar. My dad was drinking when I was young. As a child of alcoholic parents, I am quite eager to please and off centered. Here is what I have realized: kids that grew up in upsetting or violent environments do not feel important, do not feel their emotions are important and do not express their emotions. Worse they deny them. So much that ... In The end, them become out of touch with their emotions, them become unable to recognize them. This is the real real problem.

 

You feel The others are more important...

 

Yeah I'm from a similar background, same problems until I sorted myself out a few years ago (well, it's kind of ongoing, never fully goes away I guess)

 

You sound like you are on the right path, I know myself how hard setting real boundaries can be for some.

 

You can't expect people to always be happy about it. And if they aren't, then so be it. Don't feel bad about it.

 

In this case, "Sheila" obviously doesn't see you as anything more than a work colleague. That's fine. Personally I don't think you needed to write such a long note, just mentally disengaging from her would be enough.

 

I try to keep a bit of a distance from everyone I work with. I think it's good not to mix your personal and work lives.

 

I notice you mention a lot of women friends. Men need male friends. If you don't have any/many that is where I'd focus.

Edited February 18, 2016 by joseb

[GemmaUK]

I agree with Joseb - totally!

I'm a woman and my relationships work and friend wise with men are a whole lot easier and much more healthy than some - not all but some of my dealings with fellow women. I cannot lie about this.

My list I mentioned earlier contains women. There's only one man where I work who behaves like Sheila - entitled and disrespectful whereas like I said I have a 'list' of women to watch out for.

 

Something for you to be aware of: You're not employed as a Manager (neither am I currently) however, you manage people all the time - day in day out (as do I - for me on any given week it's averaging 26 people that I manage).

 

One thing for you is that you so need to be aware of this.

It's a lot of people and a lot of vastly different personalities.

 

It is really exhausting!

 

I am just about at my wits end today with various things at work but I know I will cool down and relax.

 

GC, you have set some boundaries and honestly you are setting good ones with folk you don't want as friends.

Friends for all of us are few are far between - most folk have less than a handful (five) good friends.

 

Keep your eyes open for the ones who care about you.

But, work is work and remember that you may not be a 'manager' but you are still managing all these folk with every single interaction you have with them.

[Zapbasket]

Thank you so much for the replies and the perspectives. Gemma, thank you for those book recommendations; I will check all three of them out.

 

I think the whole past 5, 6, 7, 8 years for me have been about learning boundaries and self-regard. I still have a lot to learn but I know in the past couple of years alone, where I hit bottom and really had to sift through some old rubble, I have made strides.

 

So on Wednesday, the morning after I'd sent Sheila, my coworker, that strongly-worded email on Facebook, she emailed me asking me to come to her office to talk whenever I had a minute. I felt really relieved as I'd come to work that day expecting/fearing Sheila would just ignore my email and act like nothing was wrong, which would really hurt.

 

I went to her office, we closed the door, and she apologized for having said I "wasn't a priority." She said it was wrong of her to say that, and that surely I can think of many times where she has shown me I was important to her. I acknowledged that this was true. She said that she comes from a family that tends to avoid any and all conflict like the plague, and so when she received my texts, she felt hurt because it felt like she was being scolded.

 

I apologized for that and said this is why I hate texting as a form of communication and why to me it was even MORE imperative we had a face to face about this. She said that she dealt with the hurt she felt at my texts by deciding to just let it go and not take offense, and so in her mind, everything was fine, resolved, etc.

 

I said, "But can you see why on my end, not knowing what you'd worked out in your head, it just looked like you could care less how I felt?" She acknowledged that I was right and said she just didn't want any conflict.

 

We ended up hugging and I think we both would say that things are okay. But I admit that I'm bothered by the fact that here is yet ANOTHER person who can't deal with conflict well. At least she doesn't take it to the point that she'd rather let a friendship die than deal with the issues--she did make the move to invite me to her office so that we could talk, which is more than I've gotten from other people in similar situations.

 

I took away several things from our interaction. One, when I was in the thick of being hurt by her words and actions (or non-action), I was focused only on my side. But when we talked, I saw how she, too, could have been hurt by my reaction, and I understood why she reacted the way she did given how the whole thing made her feel coupled with her acculturated way of dealing with interpersonal conflict. It reminded me yet AGAIN why talking out conflict is absolutely crucial. And it made me sad to think of all the people who wouldn't allow a chance to talk through the conflict and just walked away, and it all feels like such a waste....

 

I also saw how my reaction to the whole thing with Sheila had a lot of PTSD-like response to it. I've been saying for a while now that I'm afraid of the aftereffects my most recent breakup may have had on me. My ex and I dated for 3.5 years and I grew very close with his family, who all treated me like I was already family and took for granted that my ex and I were getting married. I believed it all and so was blown away by how easily my ex just dropped me like nothing and never in the now 2.5 years since ending things has tried to reach out to me. It hurt so deeply I don't think even now I could articulate how much it cut me, and just how deeply. With Sheila, the sense of horror I felt, coupled with the expectation that she was just going to blow off our friendship because that's pretty much been what I've experienced in the past 10 years, made me see that maybe I'm still not completely "right in the head" interpersonally. Maybe I really do have some PTSD-type response to disappointment and conflict where another person is concerned.

 

At the same time, I applaud myself for sticking up for myself. It was hard (I hate conflict, too), but I did something with Sheila I'd not have done even a couple of years ago.

Edited February 19, 2016 by GreenCove

[Zapbasket]

So this is a pattern I'm seeing.

 

I used to be conflict-avoidant in that rather than be assertive about my feelings and thus potentially create conflict (or more specifically, what I was afraid of was someone rejecting me for showing my real feelings), I would just pretend that everything was okay and try harder to win the other person over. This led me to relationships with people who validated my worst fears because in fact, they DIDN'T respect my real feelings and walked all over me. In the past, if something did lead to a conflict, I'd do all the work for the other person--forgive them even though they never apologized, keep the relationship going even though they just avoided me in the conflict, etc.

 

Now, after a lot of hard work, I've gotten ever better at letting people know where my boundaries are. I no longer do others' work for them. I'm happy with these changes, but I notice one issue is that as I get better at being assertive about my boundaries and unafraid of conflict, I keep finding out that many people in my orbit are highly conflict-avoidant. People DON'T necessarily welcome the opportunity to talk things out. So my question is: does this tendency indicate that those people aren't people I should cultivate friendships, etc. with?

[GemmaUK]

I keep finding out that many people in my orbit are highly conflict-avoidant. People DON'T necessarily welcome the opportunity to talk things out. So my question is: does this tendency indicate that those people aren't people I should cultivate friendships, etc. with?

 

I just quickly wanted to address your question here first.

Friends from the workplace is a different beast to friends outside work.

More care needs to be taken with making friends of colleagues in my opinion and actual friendships take a lot of time to grow. It takes a long while to find out if they are a real friend or just a colleague.

Part of this is down to opening up and neither of you passing personal info on to others but also there are times eg when a co worker tries to call out of hours or even inside hours an wants special treatment.

 

Calling out of hours is simply a no go. It's not on.

If anyone else does this ignore that call/text or if you wish just tell them to contact you Monday at 9am.

 

Another thing is that you can keep any 'scoldings' (boundary settings) when you need to do them much more direct and to the point and to leave out the emotion.

The book Wolf in Sheep's Clothing mentioned in my link to my thread has a chapter entitled 'Redefining The Terms of Engagement' which gives clear instructions on the 'how to' set a boundary without emotional fluff.

Actually, it feels better when no emotion is brought in.

[Zapbasket]

I just quickly wanted to address your question here first.

Friends from the workplace is a different beast to friends outside work.

More care needs to be taken with making friends of colleagues in my opinion and actual friendships take a lot of time to grow. It takes a long while to find out if they are a real friend or just a colleague.

Part of this is down to opening up and neither of you passing personal info on to others but also there are times eg when a co worker tries to call out of hours or even inside hours an wants special treatment.

 

Calling out of hours is simply a no go. It's not on.

If anyone else does this ignore that call/text or if you wish just tell them to contact you Monday at 9am.

 

Another thing is that you can keep any 'scoldings' (boundary settings) when you need to do them much more direct and to the point and to leave out the emotion.

The book Wolf in Sheep's Clothing mentioned in my link to my thread has a chapter entitled 'Redefining The Terms of Engagement' which gives clear instructions on the 'how to' set a boundary without emotional fluff.

Actually, it feels better when no emotion is brought in.

 

Lots of food for thought here; thanks. I think I need to read this book. Sometimes it's not until I confront a person that I fully understand what it is that upset me. With the coworker I mentioned in this thread, for example, I see now that while yes, it bothered me that she texted me while I was in a meeting to tell me about someone waiting at my desk for a bus pass, and that she called me on my cell phone about a work service I provide, what underlies that is that I feel neglected by her lately. We've all been busy but I don't feel anyone is too busy to stop at a person's desk while passing by anyway and say, "Hey, how was your weekend?" Or, if you don't think you'll have time for any answer than, "Great! Yours?", you make eye contact and smile every once in a while. And I'd realized over the months that she is never available even to meet up for a drink after work.

 

Writing even that I feel like a big baby. Usually this kind of stuff wouldn't be stuff I'd take personally. It's either because my loneliness socially is beginning to spill over into my work day, or because I thought we had established that we were friends since we did talk and get together outside of work when our work days were less busy, or because I'd noticed that she can be very know-it-all and provincial in the sense that she grew up where we live and to her, this is the best and only place and she has put down my outdoor activities saying, "Everybody does that here; it's just natural to us," or maybe it's a combination of all three things. I don't know and I agree with you that making "friends" out of people you work with is complicated and probably ill-advised and normally I've either worked at places where we are all friends and hang out socially as part of our "work vibe," or places where we each show up and sit at our desks and just do our thing without much interaction.

 

Obviously this person has proven to be more a colleague than friend, and now that I understand that I'm fine with it as I find her limited in the kind of friendship she is capable of offering. But she did invite me to spend Christmas Eve with her family, and last fall for my birthday she bought me a cake and champagne and surprised me with it at work. So I did think we had become actual friends.

 

I guess I just got confusing messages and reacted and maybe I should have been cooler with my boundary-setting. I've also been very frustrated at my job and so that probably factored in, as well.

 

What's done is done. I think I am going to pull back more at work in terms of interacting with coworkers. I feel kind-of embarrassed that I seem to have lost my professional boundaries, myself. Maybe my social loneliness where I live really is beginning to get the better of me.