Why did she bother contacting me?

[Zapbasket]

Two years ago, when I went through a major breakup, I had one female friend my age where I live--let's call her Allison. Allison and I always had a lot of fun together and though she didn't live in my resort community year-round, we kept in touch in the off-seasons and I had every reason to believe she was a true friend.

 

When my ex and I broke up, I was so hurt, disappointed and crushed that it domino-ed into other big disappointments with social life and career and my general life direction and I hit a huge crisis. I didn't really have anyone to turn to, and I thought I could turn to this friend a bit. I certainly did not burden her unduly but she knew enough about what I was going through to know that I was really struggling and in a lot of pain.

 

During the season she was in town, we met up at one point for dinner and she told me I'm the first person she's ever had a "close" friendship with. Almost immediately after that, she avoided me. We both were busy with work but every time I tried to make plans with her, she turned me down, or she'd make plans with others and tell me I could "come along" "if I wanted." She never asked me how I was doing and I felt she knew enough about my situation that she should have empathized enough to at least ask, "Hey, how are you doing?" Finally, after several attempts to touch base with her and her not really responding, I confronted her along the lines of, "Okay, I feel you are avoiding me; why?" And her response was super dismissive and rude--not at all the kind of response a friend would give. It was so rude that I stopped contacting her, and she never contacted me.

 

Nearly two years passed. I had pretty much written her off as someone who just wasn't a true friend and I had no intention to, or interest in, ever reaching out to her. A few weeks ago we both were teaching skiing and I saw her in a lift line with her student; I was with my two students--eight-year-old girls. She called out to me and said "hi" and I was very pleasant if not overly elated to see her; I didn't want to exhibit any negative emotions around my students as they were there to have fun and we had been having a great day. Allison said, "I'd love to catch up," and I said, "Cool. Call or text me."

 

A few days later she texts me, "Hey lady. It was awesome to see you the other day on the hill. I know we parted on f*cked up terms and I am sorry for my part in that. I have missed you as a friend and would love to catch up sometime. My man and I are living ______ this year. It's a haul, but short term and close to hot springs! Hope you are well and enjoying the snow. Happy New Year! xo"

 

I replied, "Good seeing you the other day. ____ is a great place to live. I was sad we stopped talking, too. It seemed maybe we had different goals / expectations / definitions of what friendship is--ours as it was and maybe generally, too. Anyway, I appreciate your reaching out. Happy New Year."

 

And now it's been over two weeks, and no reply from her. I wasn't expecting anything, but I do feel kind-of baffled as to why someone would reach out presumably to heal a rift and then not follow up on it. I know my response wasn't very encouraging, but she didn't in my eyes deserve more than what I responded with and I certainly didn't close a door in her face. I guess because of what I went through relating to my ex, where he just never once contacted me after abruptly ending our relationship, I am curious about / interested in how people reconcile or dissipate bad feelings between each other after a period of time has passed. I would have been open to discussing with Allison what happened between us nearly two years ago, but I was not willing to just pretend everything was ok and be all, "Yeah, let's catch up and Happy New Year!! xo", either. I feel like, if she wasn't interested in having any discussion, she shouldn't have bothered reaching out.

 

Any thoughts on what was going on in her mind?

[CC12]

Her text basically said, "Sorry for what happened in the past, I hope we can move on, let's catch up. Hugs and kisses!"

 

Your response basically said, "I have not forgotten what happened and I am not going to move on. Remember, we have different opinions on what friendship means. Thanks for texting. Good day."

 

Two very different tones between those messages.

 

I doubt she was trying to "heal a rift." She just wanted to move past it. You clearly aren't ready to move past it. And that's okay. You don't have to be. But I doubt she wants to rehash whatever happened that led to you two not speaking to each other. That's okay, too.

[Zapbasket]

Her text basically said, "Sorry for what happened in the past, I hope we can move on, let's catch up. Hugs and kisses!"

 

Your response basically said, "I have not forgotten what happened and I am not going to move on. Remember, we have different opinions on what friendship means. Thanks for texting. Good day."

 

Two very different tones between those messages.

 

I doubt she was trying to "heal a rift." She just wanted to move past it. You clearly aren't ready to move past it. And that's okay. You don't have to be. But I doubt she wants to rehash whatever happened that led to you two not speaking to each other. That's okay, too.

 

That made our positions a bit clearer; thanks. Except: I HAVE moved on--I've moved on from considering her a friend and I've moved on with my life and she's not a part of it and I HAVEN'T missed her or even thought about her much, except as an example of the kind of "friend" I DON'T want. That said, I didn't want to entirely close the door to some measure of reconciliation, hence my response. She treated me pretty badly and I don't think anyone would feel, knowing all the details, that a text message saying, "Sorry about two years ago; let's catch up" would suffice to restore a relationship.

 

I guess I just don't understand: if it's true that she has "missed having me as a friend," as she said in her text, then why not want to at least TRY to work things out with me? Her non-response to my text seems to negate her claim that she has missed my friendship.

[CC12]

I HAVE moved on--I've moved on from considering her a friend and I've moved on with my life and she's not a part of it and I HAVEN'T missed her or even thought about her much, except as an example of the kind of "friend" I DON'T want.

 

What I meant was that you're not ready to move on in the context of continuing a friendship with her. She wants to forget about what happened, and you're not willing to do that. That's okay.

 

I guess I just don't understand: if it's true that she has "missed having me as a friend," as she said in her text, then why not want to at least TRY to work things out with me?

 

It is possible to want to be friends with someone and at the same time not want to rehash issues from years ago.

 

I don't think she's being unreasonable, and I don't think you're being unreasonable. It just kind of is what it is. There's no room for a friendship here.

 

In any case, if she's the kind of friend you DON'T want, it's a waste of your time trying to figure out what's going on in her mind or what her motivation is. Why care?

[Zapbasket]

What I meant was that you're not ready to move on in the context of continuing a friendship with her. She wants to forget about what happened, and you're not willing to do that. That's okay.

 

 

 

It is possible to want to be friends with someone and at the same time not want to rehash issues from years ago.

 

I don't think she's being unreasonable, and I don't think you're being unreasonable. It just kind of is what it is. There's no room for a friendship here.

 

In any case, if she's the kind of friend you DON'T want, it's a waste of your time trying to figure out what's going on in her mind or what her motivation is. Why care?

 

I no longer really care about HER, per se, but I've had things like this happen throughout my life, where someone I have considered a friend has been mean to me in one form or other, and as ashamed as I am to admit this, earlier in my life when an apology was not forthcoming, I would approach THEM to restore the friendship just because I couldn't bear the conflict or didn't want any bad blood between us. When I'd do that, they'd be my "friend" but still really weren't very nice, but they'd say things like they missed me or valued our friendship. It was like everything could be only on their terms and the effort to maintain the friendship only ever came from me. In that sense--with me doing all the work and it being only on their terms--they wanted to keep me around but their actions said they didn't really care one way or other whether I was in their lives.

 

Over the years, every one of this kind of "friend" has been eradicated from my life. With each, I got to a point where I couldn't bear the disrespect any longer. What made it confusing was that some of these people were longstanding "friends"--one of them I'd been friends with since we were 11 years old and our friendship ended when we were 30--and I thought they actually truly CARED about me but just, in the case of the 11-30 friend, could be very stubborn and superficial at times. Looking back, it seems as though absolutely none of them cared about me at all and it's baffling to me a) how I couldn't see it and b) why they put on such a good show--they'd tell me things like I was their "best friend" and such.

 

They'd say such things and then as soon as there was a conflict--one in every case that was perfectly resolvable with clear, honest communication in my eyes--they were out the door. No apology. No effort to clear the air. The only thing they'd accept was if I was willing to just shove it all under the rug, and with each of them eventually I reached a point where I could not do that one time more. And so the friendships ended. And good riddance...but it hurts to look back over my life and see a string of people I once thought were good friends seemingly not care or have cared about me at all.

 

Not surprisingly, my oldest and best friend is the ONLY person who did me dirty once and then broke down crying and apologizing; I forgave her and in 20+ years she has NEVER let me down again. She has been a consistently steadfast and caring friend.

 

I guess with Allison, yeah, she "missed me as a friend" but just didn't miss me ENOUGH to try to clear the air?

 

It hurts because I believed she did care, and then to discover what seems to be the superficiality of that caring is just and

[lana-banana]

I wouldn't have responded to your message either. It's not outright hostile, but it's pretty cold and suggests you still feel a great deal of pain over the incident. Like CC12 said so aptly, neither of you is wrong. You just don't have any room for compromise.

 

I do think it's somewhat unreasonable to expect she would sit down and talk over something that happened several years ago. Life is full of moments that may seem incredibly meaningful to us but trivial to others, and vice-versa. You can't control how anyone experiences those moments. Furthermore, you can't rely on others to be the instruments of your healing. Trying to hold people accountable for things they may not even remember is an exercise in futility.

 

You don't have to move on if you don't want to. There's no prize for forgiving everyone who's ever hurt you. But you can't expect others to think "Wow, GC is still really hurting after all this time, I should try to make it right." They may be more inclined to think "Wow, GC is still hurting after all this time. She really can't let go."

[loveflower]

you have done nothing wrong.

 

you don't need a fair feather friend anyway, so move on.

 

I hate it when people ditch you when you needed a friend the most. if she didn't want to be burdened by you back then, it's understandable, but at least not to be so rude and mean.

[Zapbasket]

I wouldn't have responded to your message either. It's not outright hostile, but it's pretty cold and suggests you still feel a great deal of pain over the incident. Like CC12 said so aptly, neither of you is wrong. You just don't have any room for compromise.

 

I do think it's somewhat unreasonable to expect she would sit down and talk over something that happened several years ago. Life is full of moments that may seem incredibly meaningful to us but trivial to others, and vice-versa. You can't control how anyone experiences those moments. Furthermore, you can't rely on others to be the instruments of your healing. Trying to hold people accountable for things they may not even remember is an exercise in futility.

 

You don't have to move on if you don't want to. There's no prize for forgiving everyone who's ever hurt you. But you can't expect others to think "Wow, GC is still really hurting after all this time, I should try to make it right." They may be more inclined to think "Wow, GC is still hurting after all this time. She really can't let go."

 

That would be pretty arrogant of her to think that. I HAVE let go. I DON'T want to be friends with her and I am not the person who contacted her. No, it doesn't matter how much time has passed, when you treated someone like crap and never apologize, there isn't a reset button until it's acknowledged.

 

I have so utterly moved on with my life without her that I haven't frankly thought of her once in at least the past year. I didn't contact her; she contacted me. She obviously knew that there was air to clear or she wouldn't have texted what she did.

 

I feel like you have totally misunderstood what I said or said I feel. If it's really the case that you can **** all over someone when they're down and then wait a few years and think it's reasonable to ask to "catch up" without acknowledging what caused the rift, then ****, I'll call up anyone I've ever been mean to and just be all, "Hey! Let's hang out!" that's just dumb. yeah.

 

Sorry, I'm kinda pissed that somehow I'm construed as "not moving on" and "hanging on to something" when maybe FINALLY I am getting the kind of boundaries I should have had throughout the rest of my life!!!!! I am usually so forgiving and then end up with these unstable losers at the tail of my life. She is unstable, and in my eyes she really kind of sucks and has the mentality of a teenager.

 

I just want someone to for ONCE understand how I feel about people who treat you like crap and then think they can just walk back in and yet I'm the one who can't let go? I haven't thought about the ****ing bitch once. Ugh. This triggers a lot for me. I'm so sick of being treated like crap and I'm finally sticking up for myself and someone comes on LoveShack and tells me I can't let go and have been sitting at home pining for Allison. She was ****ing peripheral even while we were friends.

[lana-banana]

Wow, I barely know where to start.

 

The title of the thread is "Why did she bother contacting me?" All I did was try to explain why, from what might be her perspective---she obviously didn't realize she hurt you so deeply and after a while she reached out, figuring bygones were bygones---and you responded with such intense overreaction you didn't bother to read what I actually wrote. At no point did I suggest you were "pining over her" (huh?). I didn't chastise you for not forgiving her or not accepting her friendship. I never said you couldn't let go; I said that might be what Allison is thinking after your text. Just because someone presents a different point of view doesn't mean they're attacking you. I'm not going to patronize you by asking if you know what black and white thinking is, but I will say you should try to be more aware of that and other cognitive distortions.

 

I just want someone to for ONCE understand how I feel about people who treat you like crap and then think they can just walk back in and yet I'm the one who can't let go?

 

This thread, and others you've started, are full of understanding about people like this. You are disregarding all the positive feedback you've received and zeroing in on the negative (another cognitive distortion and one I'm prone to myself).

 

That would be pretty arrogant of her to think that. I HAVE let go...I am usually so forgiving and then end up with these unstable losers at the tail of my life. She is unstable, and in my eyes she really kind of sucks and has the mentality of a teenager... I haven't thought about the ****ing bitch once...She was ****ing peripheral even while we were friends.

 

I can't possibly add anything to this. It bears re-reading.

[Zapbasket]

Wow, I barely know where to start.

 

At no point did I suggest you were "pining over her" (huh?).

 

And yet, you did. You said:

 

...it's pretty cold and suggests you still feel a great deal of pain over the incident.

 

"Still feeling pain" would suggest I am pining. I can not feel pain about how she treated me and still also not really want a "friend" like her in my life. It means that I realized through the incident that we are perhaps incompatible as friends and I accepted that. I had no expectation of hearing from her and yet harbor no ill will, as evidenced by my perfectly cordial interaction with her on the ski hill. She has some likable qualities; I just don't want to be friends with her.

 

you can't rely on others to be the instruments of your healing.

 

Saying this also would suggest you think I am pining, waiting for her to offer me the golden crumb that allows me to move on from our negative interaction nearly two years ago. I wasn't waiting for a thing from her, and honestly was indifferent to whether I'd see her again or not. I came to the conclusion in about April of 2014 that she wasn't someone I wanted as a friend, and I unfriended her on Facebook and yes, moved on. Frankly I was dealing with so much hurt and pain from other things in my life that I didn't really give her, or the incident between us, much thought. It didn't require a lot of thought to recognize that someone who would treat me as she did wasn't much of a "friend."

 

you can't expect others to think "Wow, GC is still really hurting after all this time, I should try to make it right." They may be more inclined to think "Wow, GC is still hurting after all this time. She really can't let go."

 

Again, saying that the only reasonable thing to expect is that people can hurt you and not ever want to make amends even while they "miss you as a friend" and want to "catch up," is suggesting that hoping or expecting otherwise is pining. And, I really disagree with you on this one. You most certainly CAN expect people who truly care about you and truly want your friendship to be very interested in making amends after a rift. Not everyone will do that, but then, not everyone cares about you, and that's okay. It's just that if you don't care enough to try to make things right, then it seems strange to go on about missing a person as a friend. I like people who say what they mean and mean what they say. I'm like that, and the people I call my friends are like that.

 

Having the expectation that when there are misunderstandings or outright rifts between you and another person, you BOTH will try to work through things is what helps separate the people who are meaningful, positive presences in your life from those who are not. With Allison, I tried to tell her that her constant avoidance of me when she knew I was going through a lot of pain was hurtful--that was MY effort to address the misunderstanding--and that was when she responded with a text that was so contemptuous, dismissive, condescending and mean that it killed right there any real desire I had to be friends with her again. I didn't respond to that text and she never came back and apologized for how she spoke to me. And I took all that in and said, "Nope, not someone I want to be friends with," and that was pretty much that for me.

 

I never said you couldn't let go; I said that might be what Allison is thinking after your text.

 

Which, if true, just further demonstrates why I wouldn't want her as a friend.

 

Just because someone presents a different point of view doesn't mean they're attacking you. I'm not going to patronize you by asking if you know what black and white thinking is, but I will say you should try to be more aware of that and other cognitive distortions.

 

Of course not. But your post was an awful lot of what I shouldn't expect from someone who wants to be my friend, and it basically was that I shouldn't hold any expectation whatsoever. I think I react strongly to what you say because pretty much it pushed me back to my old M.O., which was, yes, to hold people accountable for nothing, to have no expectations, to make endless excuses even while my insides were crying out that I was tolerating absolute crap behavior. It has taken me a GREAT DEAL of work in these past couple of years to change this M.O. With Allison, we met as coworkers and quickly began hanging out outside of work. I noticed that she was pretty helter-skelter in her life and had never finished anything or really stayed with anything to be accomplished at anything and while that is very different from me, I always am drawn to people who are different from me and so I overlooked that, even while it also extended into her flitting from one person to the next and even admitting to me at one point that she really never had any friends because growing up she always was moving from one place to the next to the next, and so on. She wasn't educated or cultured, wasn't particularly talented or good at anything, but she had this kind of rogue smarts about her that drew me in; I like people who are unique. This often gets me into trouble, though, because then often these "unique" people don't share the kind of grounding and values that I and my close friends share, and they can go be shytty to people and feel no compunction when that simply is not the way I was raised or aspire to be as a person. Deep down I feared that perhaps Allison was not quite the caliber of person I really want in a friend, but I hate casting such judgments even when my gut instincts--and the person's behavior over time--tell me they are the truth. I then find myself in a dynamic that doesn't feel equal, and I feel bad about that...and I try to keep seeing the good in the person...and then something like what happened two years ago with Allison happens. They show me in spades that they are just not worth it, and I feel hurt and shocked because there I was constantly making excuses for instances of poor character on their part, and then they sh*t in my face. And then I feel I have only myself to blame.

[whichwayisup]

She obviously owned her part in the demise of the friendship, leaving it open for you to do the same? Is it possible she felt drained by you leaning on her during your rough times during your break up? Not saying you talked to her too much or relied on her too much but maybe she felt that way?

 

I agree with CC12, she extended the olive branch and contacted you, and your response wasn't the response giving her the green light to get together in the future so maybe that's why she hasn't texted you back.

 

If you want the friendship, try again and start over fresh/clean slate or if not interested in her anymore at all, then just put it out of your head and move on, don't look back.

 

At least she helped give you some closure by apologizing for how things went in the past.

[Zapbasket]

I am feeling a bit low because I'm just so tired of being disappointed in my relationships. I know I haven't had the right filters and boundaries in the past and I'm trying so hard to find a better balance and I feel like I'm flopping around while I look for it. And then while doing so it seems I keep discovering over and over that people care far less than I could have thought they do. I don't think I'm generalizing.

 

I did like Allison even though she was very different from me in a lot of ways--and I actually LIKE that; why just be around people who are just like you? But because she never stayed in one place or with one group of people or with one guy or with...ANYTHING for very long, since we became friends in 2010 I wouldn't see her for months at a time. She was fun to hang with when winter came back around and she was in town for work. And we did have deep conversations about lots of things and I found her very perspicacious in her perceptions.

 

Probably things would have continued at that level if I'd not gone through this breakup and its resulting life-crisis. When it first happened, she invited me to come spend a couple of days at her and her then-boyfriend's apartment in a city about 4 hours' drive from me. Usually I turn down such offers, because I always try to be stoic and all, "Oh thanks but no, I'm fine, I can deal"--and ironically I'm that way because I'm SO AFRAID of being vulnerable and then being rejected--but she INSISTED and I felt really broken and so I went. I only stayed two nights; she wanted me to stay longer but their place was small and I didn't want to be in the way.

 

I was so grateful for this kindness and I began to think that maybe she and I could become truly close friends. About a month later she showed up uninvited in my town and wanted to spend the night and of course I let her; she had food poisoning and threw up a bunch (in my toilet) and I stayed up and helped her. So when the winter season started and she was here, I thought we had solidified that we were more than just work friends or hangout buddies, but real friends. And then about a month later we went out to dinner and she told me I'm the first person she's ever had a close friendship with.

 

And that's when she suddenly went completely cold on me. I'd try to reach out to make plans and she'd say yes but then change the time and then tell me she was out somewhere else with X and Y person and I could come "if I wanted." And I'd be like, it was ME you had the plans with!!! It was two months of this kind of thing before I finally asked her what was going on, and that's when she replied with a text that was so rude and condescending that there was no reply I could give; I just took it as a rejection and her showing herself to be a total un-empathetic bitch. I no longer have our text exchange from that time, but I had showed it to my best friend, and she said, "How old is this girl? She seriously sounds like a teenager. Also? She sounds completely unstable." My friend then got upset and said it made her mad to see me even interacting with someone like this. That gave me the spur I needed to completely cut myself off from Allison. I unfriended her on FB, deleted her number, and as luck had it the next year she was only in town sporadically as she was in massage therapy school in the city 4 hours from here.

 

Anyway, things like what happened with Allison have happened to me more times than I can count. I seriously fear trusting anyone lest I be surprised by their lack of ability or desire to have a more-than-superficial friendship after I've already invested in them. The thing is, it seems I'm always taken by surprise; I just never see things like this coming. So when Allison texted me, I guess I got my hopes up that at least something in all this mess could go in a way I understood. I was raised to understand that if you have a falling out with someone and you do care at all, you do need to make amends even if years have passed since the instigation of the rift. It's what "reparations" means and there is no time limit, nor is there a shortcut. Weirdly, Allison felt like reaching out, but when I didn't immediately jump on board with, "Let's catch up oh boy can't wait," she just sank back beneath the waves of the ocean of my life and disappeared and left me feeling disgusted all over again, just totally What. The. Hell.

 

And I just feel so sick of crap like this. Why does this keep happening to me? I'm a very kind person and have been told such recently by a number of people, but I know this about myself. I always take my friendships seriously and always try to see the good in people even when it's clear they're not as smart or talented or educated or _____. I don't hold that over anyone.

 

Sometimes I seriously consider becoming a hermit.

[whichwayisup]

That made our positions a bit clearer; thanks. Except: I HAVE moved on--I've moved on from considering her a friend and I've moved on with my life and she's not a part of it and I HAVEN'T missed her or even thought about her much, except as an example of the kind of "friend" I DON'T want. That said, I didn't want to entirely close the door to some measure of reconciliation, hence my response. She treated me pretty badly and I don't think anyone would feel, knowing all the details, that a text message saying, "Sorry about two years ago; let's catch up" would suffice to restore a relationship.

 

I guess I just don't understand: if it's true that she has "missed having me as a friend," as she said in her text, then why not want to at least TRY to work things out with me? Her non-response to my text seems to negate her claim that she has missed my friendship.

 

You must have missed this part of her text?

 

I know we parted on f*cked up terms and I am sorry for my part in that. I have missed you as a friend and would love to catch up sometime.

That to me seems genuine and someone wanting to reconnect, wanting to try to work on it, saying she'd love to catch up sometime. Now, with that said I can understand you feeling reserved and not trusting enough to say let's make plans to get together and then have her not ever follow up, nobody wants to get hurt.... Just reading how you described how happy she was seeing you and her text to you seemed real and she regrets the past.

[whichwayisup]

I was so grateful for this kindness and I began to think that maybe she and I could become truly close friends. About a month later she showed up uninvited in my town and wanted to spend the night and of course I let her; she had food poisoning and threw up a bunch (in my toilet) and I stayed up and helped her. So when the winter season started and she was here, I thought we had solidified that we were more than just work friends or hangout buddies, but real friends. And then about a month later we went out to dinner and she told me I'm the first person she's ever had a close friendship with.

 

And that's when she suddenly went completely cold on me.

 

Is it possible she was so embarrassed by getting sick at your place? Seeing her at her worst and being vulnerable? That just popped into my head while reading your post.

 

Maybe she has intimacy issues and trust issues that prevent her from really becoming close with friends? You did kind thing by helping her at her worst time while sick maybe she never had anybody help her like that and it freaked her out?

[whichwayisup]

 

And I just feel so sick of crap like this. Why does this keep happening to me? I'm a very kind person and have been told such recently by a number of people, but I know this about myself. I always take my friendships seriously and always try to see the good in people even when it's clear they're not as smart or talented or educated or _____. I don't hold that over anyone.

 

I don't know. But take a step back and really assess each of those friendships and what each had in common (personality types, were they givers or takers, did they do kind things for you, were they fun and easy to get along with etc etc) and then do a list of negatives on why the friendship fell apart, be objective and ask yourself if there's anything you did back then that you would do differently now? This is affecting you now, you have trust issues rightfully so, maybe talking to a therapist could help you work through this stuff.

[Zapbasket]

She obviously owned her part in the demise of the friendship, leaving it open for you to do the same? Is it possible she felt drained by you leaning on her during your rough times during your break up? Not saying you talked to her too much or relied on her too much but maybe she felt that way?

 

I agree with CC12, she extended the olive branch and contacted you, and your response wasn't the response giving her the green light to get together in the future so maybe that's why she hasn't texted you back.

 

If you want the friendship, try again and start over fresh/clean slate or if not interested in her anymore at all, then just put it out of your head and move on, don't look back.

 

At least she helped give you some closure by apologizing for how things went in the past.

 

Hey WWIU, thanks for your thoughts. It is possible she felt drained by me but see what I posted just below your post. I really didn't lean that heavily on her except to go see her at her request. And we didn't really talk on the phone while she was still out of town. And then when the winter started and she was in town I did socialize but beneath that I was having a very, very hard time and while she couldn't have known I was contemplating suicide, she had to have known I was struggling and yet she never checked in to see how I was doing, nothing. I just don't see how I could have drained her. Plus, what good is a longstanding friendship if the friendship can't handle someone going through hard times and not being a life-of-the-party all the time? I'm a very outgoing and outwardly optimistic and "perky" person but even I have times when I just can't "perform" for others and that's when I need a good friend to let me be ALL of me, ups and downs. She obviously was not that friend.

 

No, I don't want to be friends with her at this point because I know I will never trust her again. But I do think about this whole incident because I am really trying to figure out how to draw better boundaries with people and better filters for who I accept as friends. I seem to be pretty bad at it so far. My [perhaps cold] response to her was me trying to go in a new direction; in the past I'd just instantly forgive and try to just move on with the friendship.

[whichwayisup]

Don't change who you are, the core of you is great! Maybe do some tweaks, the boundary thing is good that way nobody takes advantage of you and respects you for being strong for yourself. I know for FACT it makes a difference, for a while I had a neon sign on my forehead and got taken advantage of by my kindness, doing stuff and favours for a few friends and some family and then when I reached out,.... well, I got the no I'm busy or sorry I can't.

 

I know how you feel!!

[Zapbasket]

I don't know. But take a step back and really assess each of those friendships and what each had in common (personality types, were they givers or takers, did they do kind things for you, were they fun and easy to get along with etc etc) and then do a list of negatives on why the friendship fell apart, be objective and ask yourself if there's anything you did back then that you would do differently now? This is affecting you now, you have trust issues rightfully so, maybe talking to a therapist could help you work through this stuff.

 

I have been working with a therapist and it is helping, I think, because I'm sure without it I might very possibly have killed myself or have ended up in a psych ward after all I have been through emotionally the past few years.

 

I like the idea of doing a kind of "friendship study" with past friendships that didn't work out for reasons similar to those with Allison. Off the cuff, the pattern I notice is that it's almost always me carrying the momentum of my relationships. I feel people come to EXPECT that and, as a performer by trade and training from early childhood, I easily fit the role even when deep down I feel more and more exhausted. And I think the main reason I fell apart two years ago is that this pattern just couldn't work one day more for me. Not one day more.

 

In music camp in my teens, one girl wrote in the notebook I passed around for people's contact info at the end of the camp, "I really hope you'll come back next year because you always make everyone feel so good." And just last week for work I participated in a photo and video shoot for our ski school and took the lead in "performing" for the camera and laughing and telling jokes to make others laugh, and one of the other participants said, "I don't think I have had this much fun or laughed this hard in a long time." Everyone responds so positively to me wherever I go, but I feel that there is never any room for me to be vulnerable or weak or...quiet.

 

Maybe because I'm such a good "performer" and I do truly love performing and having fun and being emotionally outgoing and effusive, I attract "takers" as friends? I do feel that people just sit back and let me do all the work. And I'm just worn out. I mean it when I say I think about being a hermit, for a while, at least. I'm seriously considering doing a solo thru-hike late this coming summer.

[Zapbasket]

You must have missed this part of her text?

 

I know we parted on f*cked up terms and I am sorry for my part in that. I have missed you as a friend and would love to catch up sometime.

That to me seems genuine and someone wanting to reconnect, wanting to try to work on it, saying she'd love to catch up sometime. Now, with that said I can understand you feeling reserved and not trusting enough to say let's make plans to get together and then have her not ever follow up, nobody wants to get hurt.... Just reading how you described how happy she was seeing you and her text to you seemed real and she regrets the past.

 

I did register that part of her text. But then I talked with my mom, who always has been better at drawing appropriate boundaries with people and at age 79 has a bunch of lifelong, quality friends to show for it while I don't seem to be heading that way at all, and she advised me to give a cool response because she said all the effort at this point should come from Allison if she's truly sincere about wanting to reconnect and rebuild a friendship. She said exactly along the lines of what you touch upon--that I shouldn't make myself vulnerable to one more rejection from her of any kind--and said that if it were her, she wouldn't even bother responding to Allison. It didn't feel right for me to just not respond, so I tried to communicate succinctly a) appreciation for her reaching out and b) the way I was perceiving our rift (that PERHAPS we didn't have the same concept of friendship). I was careful so as not to sound like I was closing the door in her face, but as lana-banana pointed out, perhaps she could have taken it that way regardless.

 

*Sigh* See? So I try to both be kind AND protect myself, and I still get sh*tted upon. I don't want to become some kind of boundary samurai, slashing everywhere with my sword to keep evil out of my enclave...but sometimes that's what I feel I have to become in order to keep experiencing this exhausting disappointment in how little people seem to care.

[Zapbasket]

Is it possible she was so embarrassed by getting sick at your place? Seeing her at her worst and being vulnerable? That just popped into my head while reading your post.

 

Maybe she has intimacy issues and trust issues that prevent her from really becoming close with friends? You did kind thing by helping her at her worst time while sick maybe she never had anybody help her like that and it freaked her out?

 

I definitely think she has intimacy issues; she admitted so much herself. But it feels like that's the excuse for all kinds of crap behavior these days. I mean, we all have some brand of intimacy issues, but part of being a mature adult is taking ownership of them and their impact on those around us. I feel like I'm always punished for wanting intimacy. I seek it even while it scares me; after all, I'm all black and blue as it is from the pain it can inflict. Or for me, it's more the pain of trying to milk intimacy from cadaverous udders that turn to dust (disappear) in my hands. I don't know, evidently, how to find that cow that comes to me and milks her own da*ned self Not sure if that was the most apt metaphor but hopefully you get my drift.