The pain and confusion I feel...

[LostIsMe]

A few things to respond to:

 

If her father owns the house why can't she divorce, him leave & you move in?

 

Her father is a realtor and he bought the house for cheap because her husband didn't have great credit at the time. The agreement was he would make the payments and fix up the house. Profit goes to them if and when they sold. He put a lot of work into the house and he wants to keep it if they split. He's supposedly trying to get a mortgage under his name. Buy the house and give her the share she is owed. She will take that and buy a place of her own....Huge IF and there is no chance we would move into together that fast, especially for the kids sake.

 

 

She's not going to really, really talk to you about that or anything is she? She will 'cute' or 'sex' you into submission but how long will your patience with that last? Can you afford her? What's it going to feel like going cap in hand to her Daddy to bail you out because she's overspent on yet another designer outfit to wear while having fun 'dancing' with other men?

 

She is actually really good with money. She doesn't spend a whole lot and has very little debt. But I know her husband pays the bills soooo...I dunno. I just mean that she is use to other people handeling her problems and having help. She's petrified of doing it on her own. Not that she wouldn't have help she feels she won't.

 

How are you doing today lostisme?

 

I don't really know how I'm doing. I feel like for the most part I'm ok but I know I'm not. I find myself unblocking her, then blocking her again because I realize I should not even open myself up to see if she says anything. I have reoccuring thoughts of her just moving on as if nothing is lost (me) or just finding someone else ..This entire thing has made me feel a bit insecure so I find myself being jealous of someone bigger and better. Basically just creating problems for myself for no reason. I really shouldn't care who she finds. She will either get stuck in the middle of another affair, stay and not cheat (unlikely after a long time) or leave and contact me or not. no matter what, my outlook should be as if we are over end of story and whatever happens should not be a concern of mine. I know this, but to follow and believe it is difficult.

 

I've overcome a lot in my life, the hardest was losing my mother unexpectedly. I am a strong person who is at a very weak spot. I know I can get through this but I also know that these next couple weeks are going to be the most difficult for me. I'm a creature of habit so talking to her at certain times, seeing her on certain days, it's all a trigger.

 

I'm also having difficulty with the disney trip she is taking on Monday. Next week is going to be filled with unpleasant thoughts and scenarios of what she's doing...silly I know but it is what it is. It's how I'm feeling.

 

I really appreciate the support. It has helped believe it or not! I'm glad I have a place to vent to people that understand. My friends don't get it...some friends just get mad. Not really at me but it comes out that way because I should just be able to walk away and never look back.

[BuddyX]

"finally I sent one last message".....This is your problem. Do your best with NC.

She keeps pulling you back in because she can.

 

The fact you keep you keep checking your phone every minute means you're not doing what you're suppose to-staying busy.

Go out with friends. Go hunting. Play basketball.

[LostIsMe]

I do agree with you. My problem is I do stay very busy between my daughter, work, gym, side job, daily things a single person needs to handle. My mind goes 100mph with 10 different things at once so yeah...easily distracted. A.D.D.

[jenkins95]

I really appreciate the support. It has helped believe it or not! I'm glad I have a place to vent to people that understand. My friends don't get it...some friends just get mad. Not really at me but it comes out that way because I should just be able to walk away and never look back.

 

Yes, people who haven't been there can't really understand the intensity and the hold these things have over you. I remember giving up trying to confide in one friend when he completely undermined and belittled my situation while trying to make me feel better. He didn't mean to of course, but having never been there, be just couldn't understand, so i changed the subject and i think he thought that our little chat had done the trick!

 

The people on here are amazing and you all really do help.

 

If only it was as easy as just walking away, we wouldn't even need this forum!

 

Try to have as good a weekend as possible - and keep posting to us..

[Ms. Faust]

After she replied and said "I was gonna see you today, I rescheduled my appointments, I guess that blew up in my face".

 

I guffawed at this. She is not even pretending to be subtle on her manipulation. How did you respond t??? I have had someone say similar stuff to me in the past and all I could say was something like "oh lord" with massive eye rolling. Wow. This chick could teach a beginners course on Manipulation. I feel a mixture of sadness and awe over the powers she possess.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[LostIsMe]

I lol'd at this. She is not even pretending to be subtle on her manipulation. How did you respond to this??? I have had someone say similar stuff to me in the past and all I could say was something like "oh lord" with massive eye rolling. Wow. This chick could teach a beginners course on Manipulation. I feel a mixture of sadness and awe over the powers she possess.

 

my response was "yep, you only did it because I made it an issue, you didn't do it because you wanted to. If you truly wanted to that would have been your initial instinct. Me first, nails later"

 

She said she changed it because she wanted to....but she is missing the point. She wants to because it's a problem. Had I never said a word, she wouldn't have "wanted to" change the appointment.

[LostIsMe]

Just updating because I'm having a difficult day already and it's only 5am.

 

We have texted once since I ended it. There was no attempt for contact by either one of us and then Sunday, the day before she was leaving for Disney, I had a feeling it would happen and sure enough, I got a text from her saying "I so wish I could see you. I've had a horrible week and you're the only one that can make me feel better"

 

I was immediately tempted to respond but I knew if I did, it would take my power away and I would fall into the same trap I always fall into. She comes over, she gets comfort, love, affection, sex. Meanwhile she leaves and I get broken. So, I never replied and I'm so glad I didn't.

 

Well, the next day was the day she goes to disney and I was just having so much anxiety I responded and basically said that I want her to stop messaging me. I'm having a miserable time also and it's not fair that she is inflicting more pain on me because she can't bare here own. She replied with I was hoping you replied yesterday "so I could spend time with you."

 

Notice the phrase in quotes...It wasn't so we could spend time together. Maybe I'm over thinking simple words but it seemed like a rather selfish statement. To me it said "I don't care if you're hurting, I really want to see you at any cost so I wish you replied yesterday"

 

I basically just said "that's not happening, have a nice time in Disney with your husband and family" and then went on to say how I'm done being a side dish.

 

She basically said "ya thanks" with a few emoji's that were special to us. I didn't reply. That was Monday. It's now Wed. I'm finding myself checking social media just to see if she posts happy family pictures and all that garbage. Torturing myself basically.

 

Anyway, overall I think I'm doing decent. I go through peaks and valleys that's for sure. I am super tired, I can't focus at work. I feel like it's a little easier knowing she is there with him and away from reality but when she comes home its going to become much more difficult. Disney will be behind her, and disney gave me strength. WE'll see I guess. All I can do is take it one day at a time and remember that this is the right thing to do. She has shown me nothing that has proven that she feels what she says. Unless you can show me how you feel then what's the point. I know I showed her...without question.

 

Ironically, my wife/ex..whatever I should call her was having a rough time this weekend. She sounds like she wants to try and get back together which was unexpected. Her cousin had a baby and I think it brought back a lot of memories and heartache. We always wanted a second child but just never got around to it because she was overweight and it was a higher risk. She wouldn't commit to becoming more healthy which was a big issue for me. It wasn't that she was overweight, it was that she tried for a short time and quit because it was too difficult. Yes, it's not easy but anything is possible.

 

Anyway...just hoping to get through the day. I'm at work and just want to go home and crawl into bed

[jenkins95]

Just updating because I'm having a difficult day already and it's only 5am.

 

We have texted once since I ended it. There was no attempt for contact by either one of us and then Sunday, the day before she was leaving for Disney, I had a feeling it would happen and sure enough, I got a text from her saying "I so wish I could see you. I've had a horrible week and you're the only one that can make me feel better"

 

I was immediately tempted to respond but I knew if I did, it would take my power away and I would fall into the same trap I always fall into. She comes over, she gets comfort, love, affection, sex. Meanwhile she leaves and I get broken. So, I never replied and I'm so glad I didn't.

 

Well, the next day was the day she goes to disney and I was just having so much anxiety I responded and basically said that I want her to stop messaging me. I'm having a miserable time also and it's not fair that she is inflicting more pain on me because she can't bare here own. She replied with I was hoping you replied yesterday "so I could spend time with you."

 

Notice the phrase in quotes...It wasn't so we could spend time together. Maybe I'm over thinking simple words but it seemed like a rather selfish statement. To me it said "I don't care if you're hurting, I really want to see you at any cost so I wish you replied yesterday"

 

I basically just said "that's not happening, have a nice time in Disney with your husband and family" and then went on to say how I'm done being a side dish.

 

She basically said "ya thanks" with a few emoji's that were special to us. I didn't reply. That was Monday. It's now Wed. I'm finding myself checking social media just to see if she posts happy family pictures and all that garbage. Torturing myself basically.

 

Anyway, overall I think I'm doing decent. I go through peaks and valleys that's for sure. I am super tired, I can't focus at work. I feel like it's a little easier knowing she is there with him and away from reality but when she comes home its going to become much more difficult. Disney will be behind her, and disney gave me strength. WE'll see I guess. All I can do is take it one day at a time and remember that this is the right thing to do. She has shown me nothing that has proven that she feels what she says. Unless you can show me how you feel then what's the point. I know I showed her...without question.

 

Ironically, my wife/ex..whatever I should call her was having a rough time this weekend. She sounds like she wants to try and get back together which was unexpected. Her cousin had a baby and I think it brought back a lot of memories and heartache. We always wanted a second child but just never got around to it because she was overweight and it was a higher risk. She wouldn't commit to becoming more healthy which was a big issue for me. It wasn't that she was overweight, it was that she tried for a short time and quit because it was too difficult. Yes, it's not easy but anything is possible.

 

Anyway...just hoping to get through the day. I'm at work and just want to go home and crawl into bed

 

Hey LostIsMe

 

I'm PROUD of you

 

You showed super human strength to resist her advances (which, I agree with you, were very selfish of her and didn't consider your mental state - only her needs). I can't stress enough how brave you were and how much I feel you did the right thing. I've been there in that situation where all you want is contact with the OW and it would be the easiest thing in the world to just fire off a message, and you know that it would make you feel instantly better - a hit like a drug user. But at the same time you know it is toxic and will just put you back so much. It takes SO MUCH strength to resist - and you did it! You've done so well.

 

And now it seems your exW is missing you, and you are not completely adverse to the possibility of something happening there. Now more than ever, it is essential to maintain NC with the OW now. It will take several months before you are even beginning to feel normal again. Just look after yourself and see it out. When you start to feel genuinely better, and feelings for the OW fade, who knows what may happen with the exW. One thing's for sure, the fact that you are even thinking about that will make your little girl very happy indeed.

 

Massive hug (((LostIsMe))) Well done! Keep us posted.

[privategal]

Ok...listen...you've cried, had anxiety and a pity party...how about you look at YOU now.

You are single, strong, you've got a loving family, you are your ex wife are on friendlier terms coparenting.

 

Id take full control now. Id change my number, not block her number, Id close my facebook not unfriend, Id stop any comnunication PERIOD and start planning some summer adventures and maybe start making new friends or dating too.

When is the last time you went out to see a game, throw some darts, play pool, get some wings and beer?

Is your soul happiness in your life really gonna be dependent on this selfish married chick?

I get it. Your feelings were deep, it was love....but...love doesnt always work out.

Especially when the other lives with their spouse and kids.

 

Time to shake it off...this wallowing is keeping you stuck.

Disney didnt make you strong, YOU made you strong.

Redirect your focus and that involves 10000% NC...

Can you job search for a new focus and challenge?

Can you move?

Can you at least see Spring is less than 15 days away and you are NOT going to let this ruin your summer?

Onward and upward!

[LostIsMe]

I get everything you are saying and I absolutely agree. It's only been a week of essentially not contact. To be honest it feels like it's getting harder rather than easier. It's killing me thinking of her having all this fun, maybe reconnecting with her husband and all kinds of other thoughts.

 

Don't get me wrong, I keep busy and it's not haunting me day and night but it comes in waves... Right now I'm having one of those waves. I am looking forward to nicer weather and doing fun things and all that and 8 have every intention of moving forward but it doesn't keep the pain away. I don't see it as a pity party. I see it as these are my feelings and I'm just trying to feel them and release them.

 

This is very difficult. She hasn't contacted me since she left for disney. Maybe she will when she gets back, maybe not. In some ways it feels like a game. When I know she is at least trying it's easier to deal with. When I see that she isn't, it makes my mind go mental with thoughts of her and her husband finding that magic again.

 

The fact is, it shouldn't matter. She is still with him and I don't want that kind of life anymore. Im going to continue on my path and do everything i can to keep busy and stay strong.... I wish I could wipe this away.

 

I know the only solution is to go NC and that's what I'm doing. If she truly loved me she would have left by now. She wouldn't be in Disney with him. She's proven time after time what she says and does are very different things.

[LostIsMe]

Well, more time has passed and sadly I did not remain strong. A lot has happened. We have been on and off multiple times. Things had gotten very bad and unhealthy. I was going on vacation a couple weeks ago and she made zero effort to make time for me before I left or after I came back. While 8 was away she texted me and said she was leaving him. Going to stay with her parents. The next day she was back home. From that point on things have been out of control. She had a meeting with a lawyer and therapist and basically last weekend they went away to some retreat (retrouvaille) to help marriages. I don't even feel like typing everything because I'm so lost but she wouldn't tell me anything, she wouldn't tell me what she wanted. This whole time she has been trying to make her husband see it's over and I felt like she was doing thst to me. I begged her to tell me the harsh truth it will be easier in the long run for me to accept instead of wondering. She finally said she doesn't know what she wants and thinks she wants to be single.

 

To be honest I think it's bull**** and that's her easiest way to get me to leave. I am willing to bet in 6 months she is still with him.

 

I don't know why I'm so hung up on her. She strung me along for a year and now this. I feel so friggen stupid and betrayed. To be honest I researched that retreat and thought maybe I should try it with my wife but it's been a year. I dunno I'm just confused. There have been times over the past few months where 8 miss having my family. I took my daughter to Disney and it was incredible but it wasn't the same without my wife. We've been as a family before.

 

Anyway, today is day 1 no contact again. I told her to be fair and if she is feeling weak to leave me alone. No contact unless she leaves him and I told her don't be upset if a month goes by and I'm strong enough to say no. There will be a point of no return. This I'm sure of. She has caused me so much pain and anxiety I don't know why I even still feel anything for her... But I do.

 

I could date. I could find someone else. I've even tried it before and they just don't match up to her..

 

So yep history repeats itself. This has been a life altering experience. So far it's been mostly bad. The good times were when we spent time together. I won't lie, I wanted to tell her husband everything this past weekend but it's pointless. It won't do anything for me but cause me more stress.

 

I don't believe anything she says anymore. She would rather hide things or lie to avoid a fight.

 

So here I go again... Trying to pick myself off the ground and figure out how to cope. I usually do well for a week and then once of us caves. I think it will be different this time I think she won't cave this time.

[LostIsMe]

My story is out there. Short form things ended 4 days ago, by her. I felt like I accepted it because I know deep down she isn't good for me and I know she won't leave her husband and things between us are just toxic. I was hurting more than being happy. I was obsessed with her still being with him. I was broken.

 

Well up until now I've been coping well. Yesterday I noticed anxiety creeping up. Today my mind is making me insane. Thoughts of I want to message her.. Why hasn't she contacted me (she is blocked but she has a way if she is brave enough and she isn't) she must be trying to save her marriage or this and that. It's making me sad and filled with anxiety.

 

I hate this... It's only 4 days. How am I going to do this. I have to do it. But I love her... Or maybe I love the image of her and the reality of our sex. Ugggghhhh

 

I know deep down I have to struggle to survive. But some day I will be thankful. She brings out the worst in me...

 

Anyway... Just spewing my thoughts. Today is just hard. I'm not going to contact her. I hate days like this.

[txgrl]

FWW here . She's probably struggling too but she's doing the right and moral thing . She will probably appreciate it more if you left her alone to sort things out .

You admit she is bad for you .Please help me understand why single OM can't move on with someone nice who is available , with whom they can have a full time , outintheopen relationship? Or are you not single ?

[stilltrying16]

Sorry, LostisMe. It's sounding toxic. Do the 180 and detach. It sounds so hard, but you are determined and you'll work through it.

 

Have you made good plans for the weekend? My advice: fill every moment to spare with something you love to do. And schedule some seriously stress-reducing stuff in there.

 

It's a slow afternoon, but others will come along with helpful responses. Keep posting. Sending you strength.

 

ETA: I just read your last thread. So I gather you are now separated from your wife, but OW is still doing the push-pull? Does her husband know anything? She's been the mistress of mixed signals in the past.

 

End it- just walk away. Block all lines of communication that you can.

Edited April 22, 2016 by stilltrying16

[LostIsMe]

FWW here . She's probably struggling too but she's doing the right and moral thing . She will probably appreciate it more if you left her alone to sort things out .

You admit she is bad for you .Please help me understand why single OM can't move on with someone nice who is available , with whom they can have a full time , outintheopen relationship? Or are you not single ?

 

I'm sure she is but she is likely having a much easier time. But that is irrelevant to how I feel. I'm missing her greatly.

 

I'm technically married. Separated and have been living apart for year going thru mediation. I could go out and date but 8 can't really put anything into it because my heart is with the OW. Summer is coming. I know I won't have a hard time finding someone... It's just not the person I had imagined it would be.

 

I need to move on and refocus my energy. Today is a day where I feel like the withdrawal of her are hitting me. Everything seems to be a trigger and she could be the furthest thing from my mind and one little thing sends me on a tailspin.

[txgrl]

I donot know of any other way other than going completely NC, making yourself superbusy with things you enjoy doing .

 

Obviously you will think of her , be prepared . Keep pushing through the pain . Yes, there will be physical pain too . Your chest will hurt .

 

Read more on the infidelity section . An eyeopener .

 

 

Sorry if you have already posted the details . How long was the affair ? What age bracket are you in? Kids?

[Ruffian1]

To be honest I researched that retreat and thought maybe I should try it with my wife but it's been a year.

 

Are you serious?

 

 

No. Leave her alone. Just because your lover didn't leave her husband and you got hurt. If she did leave for you, you wouldn't even be thinking about your W.

 

 

No one wants to be plan B.

 

 

Doesn't feel so good, hugh.

 

 

Let your W find someone who will love her back.

 

 

Don't worry, your MOW is not done with you yet. She will be back when she feels like it.

 

 

What are you going to do when that happens . . . . .

 

 

Ooh, and I think you were on the right track with telling her H what you two have got going.

 

 

Perhaps she will be free then.

[LostIsMe]

To be honest I researched that retreat and thought maybe I should try it with my wife but it's been a year.

 

Are you serious?

 

 

No. Leave her alone. Just because your lover didn't leave her husband and you got hurt. If she did leave for you, you wouldn't even be thinking about your W.

 

 

No one wants to be plan B.

 

 

Doesn't feel so good, hugh.

 

 

Let your W find someone who will love her back.

 

 

Don't worry, your MOW is not done with you yet. She will be back when she feels like it.

 

 

What are you going to do when that happens . . . . .

 

 

Ooh, and I think you were on the right track with telling her H what you two have got going.

 

 

Perhaps she will be free then.

 

Well, you were right...

She was not done with me yet and she baited me and it worked. And now I'm faced to deal with the truth.

 

She has been telling me she had not and will not be doing any of the retrovaille follow up sessions. She told me she had a play date with her daughter and friend Saturday night. I didn't believe her, on her way there she said she would send me a picture. Nearly 5 hours later I get a return message saying she's driving with her daughter and her daughter is cranky. She made it seem like she was alone by not saying she was alone.

 

I usually have pretty good instinct so something told me to call her. Sure enough, she didn't answer. She texted something trying to get me off the subject so I called again. Sent to voicemail. So there was only one explanation. He was with her. I called her out on it. She said "ok listen, he went to the session and I didn't, he's pissed"

I knew that was bull for other reasons that were revealed during this time frame. So finally after multiple attempts of lying and avoiding the subject I finally made her understand that she needs to tell the truth.

 

She did...well, what I believe is partial truth. She said she went for half and walked out.

 

But whether it is a small fraction of the truth or not, I will probably never know for sure unless she decides to step up. Needless to say, I ended things. I wanted soooooooo bad to call her husband and tell him everything but I'm just not going to play that way. The best revenge is going to be my success.

 

I now confirm what I thought and I absolutely believe there is more to their relationship than what she has told me. Even if her feelings were real for me, I don't believe anything that has happened. Anything that she has told me. I can only imagine how many lies I've been fed over this time.

 

I can't believe this is actually happening. Well, seeing that she is born and bred to LIE I guess I can believe it.

 

In some ways, I'm hurt. I don't feel angry. I don't feel sad. I feel confused because I think of everything that may have been a lie. However, all I have to keep telling myself is that she lied...SHE FRIGGEN LIED TO ME

 

She hasn't tried to contact me. My last words to here were "ok, there is nothing left to say". The ok was in response to other questions I had for her which I was not satisfied with answer.

 

She tried to make me feel bad. She tried to say she doesn't need my pity it was her mistake. You don't need MY pity?? HAHAHAHA Sorry but YOU LIED TO ME! I don't pity you, I pity ME! For being so dumb all this time and not trusting my gut.

 

 

(ps. I realize I'm no better for doing this to my wife but I told the OW I was done with lies...long ago... and I haven't lied to her once)