So I guess I was wrong [update! 2016-06-08]

[Jejangles]

So I know I need to run, and run fast. I know it isn't going to end well. I know he is scared of intimacy, and of getting hurt. I am really okay with the push and pull that he does. I don't need a lot of attention, or time. I like my space too. I can deal with that part of his personality.

 

As someone pointed out here, I need to figure out what I want or need. My expectations. I really like him. I like his wit, and enjoy the time I spend with him. Our personalities mesh really well. He does lots of things show me he is really interested. I need some verbal assurance that he is. I don't need a big discusion, I kinda hate them anyways. I need to know where I stand is all. I don't need him to love me or want to spend the rest of his life with me. I want to be exclusive, and to see where things go.

 

You need to say to him, in person and not in bed and not in a joking tone, that you are ready to be exclusive and in a serious relationship and then be quiet and listen to what he says. If he says anything less than he is ready for the same, walk away.

 

If he is a commitment phobe (and it sounds like he is) he is unlikely to change. You hanging around being non committal will not make him want to commit more in the future, it will just increase your emotional investment and make it more difficult for you to end things.

 

My friend has been with a guy like yours for 3.5 years and he is still doing the push pull thing. She never knows where she stands and is on a constant rollercoaster but is too scared to walk away. Don't follow her steps. Stand up for what you want, which is not unreasonable after 6 months, or end it.

[Gaeta]

If his own friends took time to warn you in private I think you should listen carefully.

 

I think the only reason your relationship lasted longer than the other women is because of your noncommittal relationship. I don't know many woman, actually I don't know any woman that would let this go on for 6 months without addressing the state of the relationship and exclusivity.

 

I find him borderline disrespectful when he stay mute to a direct question.

 

Interrogating him any further would only be repeating yourself, he answered you already.

[ilovemefirst]

I would walk away if i were you. If he still does not know what he wants 6 months in, the only way he will ever commit, is if u walk away. If he really cares, he will come back and commit. Believe me. My ex did the same thing to me. It was only when i walked away and stood firm, he came back with a promise of committment. As for him talking to other girls, chances are he stilll is. I smell a dead rat with him talking to an empty profile. Thats a huge red flag. Pretty huge turn off too. So what are his prerequisites for dating: a woman ..thats all it seems me.Walk away..u deserve better

[katiegrl]

If he is a commitment phobe (and it sounds like he is) he is unlikely to change. You hanging around being non committal will not make him want to commit more in the future, it will just increase your emotional investment and make it more difficult for you to end things.

 

 

Not only that (bolded) and not to sound harsh, but your hanging around agreeing to his non-committal status is not scoring you any points with him either, I can tell you that.

 

In fact, it's probably having the opposite effect, loss of respect (his).

 

If he's like most men, after six months he knows he should be committing and is most likely wondering why you're still hanging around knowing he's not committing.

 

He is also most likely presuming the reason is because you don't think very highly of yourself, don't value yourself or believe you deserve more or better than what he's delivering.

 

Not a good message to be sending. While he may enjoy the companionship, the sex, and feel comfortable with you, if you don't respect yourself enough to speak up for what YOU want, then don't expect him or any man to respect you either.

 

Again, apologies if that was harsh, but it's the truth. I have five brothers two of whom are commitment phobes themselves... and learned most of what I know from them.

[Renae]

I didn't intend to get into a relationship with him in the first place. I made an online profile on a whim. I probably wasnt, and really probably still not, really ready to date. I thought the date was going to suck like I assumed most online dates would. Instead it was a ton of fun, he was awesome, we really meshed well. He messaged me immediately after the date to find out when I was childfree next, and thats how it's gone for months.

 

I know I deserve better, but I am just as scared as he is. I like having him. I don't have to deal with being at my house without my kids, and I have some place to stay overnight so I don't have to sleep alone. Which i know is unhealthy. I am going to counseling. In some ways I am kinda using him too.

[Gaeta]

I didn't intend to get into a relationship with him in the first place. I made an online profile on a whim. I probably wasnt, and really probably still not, really ready to date. I thought the date was going to suck like I assumed most online dates would. Instead it was a ton of fun, he was awesome, we really meshed well. He messaged me immediately after the date to find out when I was childfree next, and thats how it's gone for months.

 

I know I deserve better, but I am just as scared as he is. I like having him. I don't have to deal with being at my house without my kids, and I have some place to stay overnight so I don't have to sleep alone. Which i know is unhealthy. I am going to counseling. In some ways I am kinda using him too.

 

So you are using each other as crutches?

 

As I see it you thought you were not ready for a relationship but wanted someone to date and relate to, he wanted the same.

 

It worked at first but your feelings changed and you got attached, which is just human. His feelings didn't change. I am sure he is attached to you as well but on a different level, he has not 'bonded', you have.

[Renae]

So you are using each other as crutches?

 

As I see it you thought you were not ready for a relationship but wanted someone to date and relate to, he wanted the same.

 

It worked at first but your feelings changed and you got attached, which is just human. His feelings didn't change. I am sure he is attached to you as well but on a different level, he has not 'bonded', you have.

 

You are spot on! I wanted to keep it kinda light. Go with the flow, which is why exclusivity never came up right away. I figured I would just do me, and if he was into me cool and if not thats fine too. I really thought that since I was able to walk out of an abusive marriage and survive, that it would be easy with someone who I barely knew. Nothing was going to be harder than what I had already gone through. But then I developed feelings.

 

For so long I didn't rely on a guy for support or anything really. I really didn't think I wanted that. How I went into the relationship, and what I wanted then is really different then now.

 

He has said from the beginning that he is looking a longterm relationship.

Edited April 1, 2016 by Renae

[Gaeta]

You are spot on! I wanted to keep it kinda light. Go with the flow, which is why exclusivity never came up right away. I figured I would just do me, and if he was into me cool and if not thats fine too. I really thought that since I was able to walk out of an abusive marriage and survive, that it would be easy with someone who I barely knew. Nothing was going to be harder than what I had already gone through. But then I developed feelings.

 

For so long I didn't rely on a guy for support or anything really. I really didn't think I wanted that. How I went into the relationship, and what I wanted then is really different then now.

 

He has said from the beginning that he is looking a longterm relationship.

 

The first relationship we have after a divorce is often very difficult to get over because we don't enter it in the best of circumstances. We often are hurting, mourning, we're vulnerable, so that next relationship becomes a life-saving-jacket. I went though that myself after my divorce.

 

As for him yes he may have wanted a long term relationship but seems he can't deliver, not with you, not with any of his previous gf. Maybe one day he'll meet a woman that will turn his life upside down and he'll want to commit to her. You will move on with your life and in a year down the road when you hear about him you'll learn he met someone and they're married.

 

It's nothing you have done, or have not done. It's just a matter of bonding.

[elaine567]

 

I know I deserve better, but I am just as scared as he is. I like having him. I don't have to deal with being at my house without my kids, and I have some place to stay overnight so I don't have to sleep alone. Which i know is unhealthy. I am going to counseling. In some ways I am kinda using him too.

 

Why are you assuming he is scared, he has a great life here, he doesn't need to change a thing, he is as free as a bird and has you to warm his bed when he feels like it.

I very much doubt he is scared.

That is you putting your emotions onto him, and him either agreeing with you to please you in the moment, or he says nothing at all. My guess is he likes the way things are, but if you start up with the "feelings" too often, he will be out that door and never come back. See how his mood changed when he felt you were "pressing" him.

He, I am sure, likes things "uncomplicated", introduce "complications" and he will be gone - he doesn't need the hassle.

[Renae]

Why are you assuming he is scared, he has a great life here, he doesn't need to change a thing, he is as free as a bird and has you to warm his bed when he feels like it.

I very much doubt he is scared.

That is you putting your emotions onto him, and him either agreeing with you to please you in the moment, or he says nothing at all. My guess is he likes the way things are, but if you start up with the "feelings" too often, he will be out that door and never come back. See how his mood changed when he felt you were "pressing" him.

He, I am sure, likes things "uncomplicated", introduce "complications" and he will be gone - he doesn't need the hassle.

 

First I know he could be lying. I get that.

He said he was scared. When j was drunk, and not slurring speech drunk, but half asleep. I told him I really liked him. And that I was afraid of getting hurt. I asked him if he ever got scared and he said always. He wasnt lying then. He could have not answered, or said no, and he chose to says always. He is a self confident cocky guy most of the time, so he really meant it. And I think the whole thing freaked hI'm out.

 

Scared or not. I think he does like the noncommittal relationship. He gets companionship, regular sex, someone to share his life with, but really with no stress or pressure. And that's what I liked about the relationship at first too. And sometimes I still do, which is why it took me so long to get to this point.

[Gaeta]

He, I am sure, likes things "uncomplicated", introduce "complications" and he will be gone - he doesn't need the hassle.

 

Just a note.

 

Exclusivity is not complicated it's just something he doesn't want. I don't want OP to think she was bringing complication to the relationship, she was not. Exclusivity can simplify things, you date me I date you, end of story. That sounds simple to me. Not the type of simple he wants.

[katiegrl]

I think he *is* scared.

 

But not of what you think and definitely *not* what YOU are scared of (getting hurt).

 

HE is scared of feeling suffocated, boxed in, losing his freedom, having to be accountable and all the other responsibilitites of being in a committed relationship.... with YOU.

 

It's an important distinction.

 

As long as you keep things easy and light, and don't make a fuss about him pursuing and possibly having sex with other women, or anything else, things should be fine.

 

Until he meets the woman who knocks his socks off and he suddenly, and probably without warning, dumps you for her.

 

Good luck and I hope you are using protection.

Edited April 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[elaine567]

Just a note.

 

Exclusivity is not complicated it's just something he doesn't want. I don't want OP to think she was bringing complication to the relationship, she was not. Exclusivity can simplify things, you date me I date you, end of story. That sounds simple to me. Not the type of simple he wants.

 

I agree, exclusivity is definitely not a "complication", but here it is - it is to him for some reason.

Exclusivity could have been established with no argument whatsoever after 6 days, now we are 6 months down the line and it is still a bone of contention...

[katiegrl]

I agree, exclusivity is definitely not a "complication", but here it is - it is to him for some reason.

Exclusivity could have been established with no argument whatsoever after 6 days, now we are 6 months down the line and it is still a bone of contention...

 

Oh I think it's very obvious what the reason is.

 

He doesn't want exclusivity with OP because he wants to be free to meet, date and have sex with other women!

 

OP is his "good for now" girl.

 

Ugh, I cannot think of anything more insulting .. but hey if OP is cool with it, so be it.

 

She's the one dating him, not me.

Edited April 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Last Friday night he invited over a friend and his wife. We were all drinking. His friends wife asked me to go to the bathroom with her. Up in the bathroom she told me that he had a relationship with a woman that ended a year or so ago. He dated her for 2 yrs. The woman really thought he was going to marry her. He ended the relationship one morning, after she had spent the night with him, and he just said it was over. He couldn't see her anymore.

 

Didn't he tell you his last serious relationship was 9 years ago?

 

She said that he must be interested in me because he doesn't string people along, and that if he isn't into someone he just moves on.

 

He doesn't string people along? So what do you call what he did to this last woman he dated for 2 years and just up and leave one sunny morning?

 

She said her husband said he talks about me a lot and really seems to like me but to be careful. And that he just walks away when he gets scared or feels too close or just because he isn't interested anymore.

 

Those are friends of HIS.

 

Even though they've known him for a long time, even though their loyalty is to him (and not you) they still felt it was important to warn you. What does that say about him?

[Toodaloo]

Last Friday night he invited over a friend and his wife. We were all drinking. His friends wife asked me to go to the bathroom with her. Up in the bathroom she told me that he had a relationship with a woman that ended a year or so ago. He dated her for 2 yrs. The woman really thought he was going to marry her. He ended the relationship one morning, after she had spent the night with him, and he just said it was over. He couldn't see her anymore. His friends wife told me he has had a bunch of women in and out, but none have been this long. I am the longest someone has lasted since this relationship. She said that he must be interested in me because he doesn't string people along, and that if he isn't into someone he just moves on. She said her husband said he talks about me a lot and really seems to like me but to be careful. And that he just walks away when he gets scared or feels too close or just because he isn't interested anymore.

 

Urm.

 

Waving red flag with neon signs and jumping up and down and a string quartet to boot. Brass band just coming round the corner. Oh look an aeroplane pulling a banner saying get the heck out now in BIG BOLD red writing on it how quaint...

 

Listen to his friend. This is his friend warning you about what will happen. It will happen and you will be very badly hurt.

 

Get out NOW. DO NOT leave it 7 years and be living together etc before this blows up in your face.

 

GET OUT NOW.

[katiegrl]

 

Didn't he tell you his last serious relationship was 9 years ago?

 

He doesn't string people along? So what do you call what he did to this last woman he dated for 2 years and just up and leave one sunny morning?

 

Those are friends of HIS.

 

Even though they've known him for a long time, even though their loyalty is to him (and not you) they still felt it was important to warn you. What does that say about him?

 

I think what all this indicates, at least to me, is that this guy is 100% full of crap, and NOTHING he *says* should be trusted.

[AMJ]

 

Those are friends of HIS.

 

Even though they've known him for a long time, even though their loyalty is to him (and not you) they still felt it was important to warn you. What does that say about him?

 

Ditto to this. I found a lot of similarities in your story to a very bad relationship I was in. Your guy is definitely a commitmentphobe. The more you keep pushing for commitment, he'll keep pushing you away. His friend's wife was trying to do you a favor. Likely the reason all those other women didn't last as long is because they pushed harder for commitment, while you're just letting it go because you don't want to be demanding.

 

Nearly all of your comments on this thread are defending him and his needs for "space" and how difficult it is for him to open up. What about your needs? He's not looking out for your needs the way you're looking out for his.

[Renae]

He did tell me his last relationship was when he moved into his house, which was 9 years ago. I know I should be really concerned because of what his friends wife said. She was close with the girl he was with.

 

I don't know why I keep sticking up for him. I was really upset weds night when he didn't answer me. I think it's because for so long I w as fine with noncommittal because I wany in a spot where I was looking for more. So being the right now was fine, because I was having fun. I figured I would just enjoy the ride. Now I feel like I need more, but I am not sure how much more I really want or am ready for.

[Toodaloo]

You are doing this because you are not being honest with yourself.

 

Get a grip.

 

1. I don't think you do want casual - I think you want more but are too scared to admit it

2. I think those fears are holding you back and you are using them as an excuse to be walked all over and not girl up and stick up for yourself

3. I think you know exactly what is going on here but your have such low self esteme that you will take any form of affection even if it is not really affection

4. I think you make the excuses because you do want more but you don't want to admit that this guy is a piece of ****

5. I think you need to start opening your eyes and ears and deal with this before you make the same mistakes I did and end up wasting as much of your life as I did.

 

You want that to happen then go ahead but it will be a heck of a lot easier for you if you learn from those of us who have messed up these situations already and come out the other side.

 

Ditch him.

[Gaeta]

He did tell me his last relationship was when he moved into his house, which was 9 years ago. I know I should be really concerned because of what his friends wife said. She was close with the girl he .

 

How you feel about him lying to you?

 

Don't you think if he lied about this information he didn't lie about other things?

[katiegrl]

He did tell me his last relationship was when he moved into his house, which was 9 years ago. I know I should be really concerned because of what his friends wife said. She was close with the girl he was with.

 

I don't know why I keep sticking up for him. I was really upset weds night when he didn't answer me. I think it's because for so long I w as fine with noncommittal because I wany in a spot where I was looking for more. So being the right now was fine, because I was having fun. I figured I would just enjoy the ride. Now I feel like I need more, but I am not sure how much more I really want or am ready for.

 

You are defending him for the same reasons many other people defend their partners, you are NOT READY to deal with the reality of the situation yet (the reality being he IS stringing you along, and will never want a RL with you)... because the REALITY is just too painful for you to deal with right now.

 

Plus, dealing with reality would mean realizing you MUST leave this situation (not even a RL), and you are not ready to leave yet either. Or too scared to leave, too scared to be on your own .... or whatever.

 

So you try and convince yourself that this is all OKAY with you, you are not sure what YOU are ready for, blah blah....when the truth is you are NOT okay with this, but are too scared to leave so pretend you are.

Edited April 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[truth_seeker]

You are defending him for the same reasons many other people defend their partners, you are NOT READY to deal with the reality of the situation yet (the reality being he IS stringing you along, and will never want a RL with you)... because the REALITY is just too painful for you to deal with right now.

 

Plus, dealing with reality would mean realizing you MUST leave this situation (not even a RL), and you are not ready to leave yet either. Or too scared to leave, too scared to be on your own .... or whatever.

 

So you try and convince yourself that this is all OKAY with you, you are not sure what YOU are ready for, blah blah....when the truth is you are NOT okay with this, but are too scared to leave so pretend you are.

 

One of the best posts you've ever written on this forum.

[kendahke]

I kinda climbed on top of him playfully and asked him if what i said freaked him out and he didn't answer. That made me nervous and I am not really good at talking about my feelings, so i jokingly said so that's a yes. And he said no comment. Keeping up a playful banter said well okay I guess I can do casual, and he said..... you are pressing me.

 

"You are pressuring me" translates to "I don't want a full on relationship with you and I"m not going to give you a full on relationship". Him answering faceless dating profiles spelled that out quite effectively.

 

If he was 23 or 33, I'd give him a bit of a pass. But 43? No. A 43 year old man should not be afraid of telling you the truth about anything with regards to his feelings concerning you especially if he's having sex with you. He's not a child. A grown man over the age of 28 knows within 6 weeks whether or not he wants to commit fully to a woman. This man still wants to play and waste time.

[sunshine2]

This hits home big time. I just got out of a relationship that I rationalized for 1 year. If I could do it over, I would of let him go at 3 months when he broke up with me for 4 days. I just kept hoping it would get better and guess what, it never did! He strung me along and did just enough to make me feel like I was his GF, even called me that, but had no intention of a serious long term relationship. I knew deep down that something was wrong and I was miserable. I cried a lot and was pretty depressed. I would lie to my friends and family about us saying he was great, we were great. But we weren't. We were not in love and there was no emotional connection. It felt awful and I never ever felt like this with a man before. I was confused. And yes, I did meet his family, kids, grandkids. But that meant nothing to him.

 

Even though he text me everyday, we only saw each other 1 - 2 times a week unless we were going on a trip. My X was emotionally unavailable, which made it 10 times worse and he never spoke about feelings ever. He wasn't dating anyone else, that we did talk about around 2 months.

 

It was so tough to walk away, its only been 3 weeks but I know deep down I made the right decision because Im looking for a lifetime partner and I am not getting any younger. If I stayed, it would of never progressed.

 

A whole year wasted and nothing to show for it Don't do it.