dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 My wife might not mind, or she might mind very much. The point is, she will never know. So.... You're here because? Bragging rights? You can sleep with easy women that crave attention? Clap.......clap..........clap....... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Did you know, Popsies, that during the French Indian war, French Canadians, known as Arcadians, were driven out of Canada by the British and they made their way to New Orleans, and they soon began migrating into the surrounding swamps and bayous. The word "Arcadian" was eventually shortened to "Cajun". I just read a book on the history of New Orleans. Some of my ancestors (Acadians) were given sanctuary in a Catholic church. So, some of us got to be Canadians eventually down the line. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Does your wife know of the affairs that you mention? The OP will not say why they are in a sexless marriage. Why assume that she's been rejecting him for all these years? To the OP.... You mention 'back problems'. I've spent many years supporting chronic pain patients, particularly those suffering from spinal degeneration. If this is the issue I could help you. I believe strongly that sex begets sex. Sex is a habit. Not having sex is a habit. It's pretty pointless throwing theories out there if the OP doesn't want to discuss that aspect of his marriage. We're all guessing why. We don't know. I believe that it's highly probable that you're going to rip your wives heart out & destroy her when she finds out. It's not any kind of marriage that I'd ever want anything to do with. I really don't have enough information to offer advise & it's REALLY not it my nature to say "You go guy!!!", quite the opposite.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I believe that it's highly probable that you're going to rip your wives heart out & destroy her when she finds out. A wife (and I use that word loosely) that has been sleeping in a separate room and who has supposedly been sexless for ten years that refused an offer for some lovins citing a backache, is not going to be heartbroken if she finds out her husband is boinking some other gal. In order to be heartbroken over a spouse having sex with another, one must first be invested in a sexual relationship themselves and have a vested interest in the other person's sexuality. She does not have that investment. Why would she be heartbroken over something that she does not want in the first place??? Now the knowledge that he is screwing around with someone else may very well disgust her and make her even less attracted to him and desirous of him...... but once you are at zero, does it really matter if you go less than zero. We must remember they have been sexless since the middle of George W Bush's second term. Whatever sexual feeling she may have ever had for him has been long since dead and there will be no tearing out of hearts if she were to discover his activities. For all we know, she may be laughing and rolling her eyes it's taken him this long. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Your roomates She probably wouldn't even care if you were having an affair as long as you come home, pay the bills... This isn't marriage...unless ..you want it this way. No sex in my book is marriage abandonment unless mutually agreed on. It isn't grounds for cheating but grounds for divorcing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 But our marriage isn't lifeless. We do love each other. As husband and wife? Hard to see how... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I am 56 years old and have been married for 25 years. My wife is a wonderful woman whom I love, but, for reasons I won't get into here, there is no longer any sex in our marriage, and hasn't been for years. We sleep in separate rooms. Before meeting and marrying her, I had sex on a regular basis with a lot of different women, and I loved every minute of it. Over the last number of years, I had sort of resigned myself to the fact that my days of having sex were over. And then we went on a trip to New Orleans and spent a few days there. On one evening my wife wasn't feeling well, so I went out on my own and cruised Bourbon Street, stopping in the bars and checking out all of the beautiful women. I suddenly felt like I was 27 again! All the old feelings of bars and sex, and women who loved me came back to me and I was ready to explode! Coming back home, I just couldn't shake those feelings and I was horny 24/7. At one point I went into my wife's room and tried to have sex with her, but she said she couldn't because of her bad back. I reached a point to where I decided there was no way I was going to go through the rest of my life never having sex again, so I joined an adult website. There I met a married lady in her 40's and we soon got together in a motel room where I spent 3 hours f*&%ing the living s@#t out of her. I had unleashed years of pent-up sexual frustration upon her and she reciprocated in kind. We have since met again, and we have agreed to be secret lovers, meeting once every few weeks. Shame you didn't really talk to your wife and sort it out before helping yourself to other women... What if you actually TOLD your wife this:" I need to have sex, you and I need to reconnect and get into counseling so we can be intimate. I will do everything I can to make you feel loved, secure, desired, sexy, needed and appreciated. If we can't do this together, then I'm worried I'm going to end up cheating on you because sex is very important to me." You can damn well know that she would either put more effort in and try her best or she'd divorce you and set you free. Let me ask, before the sex stopped, were you two close on other levels? Holding hands, enjoying each other as a couple? Happy? fulfilling each other needs (NOT just sex)? when was the last time you just did something kind for your wife and didn't expect anything back? Bring her flowers? Make her feel loved and special? does she have health problems preventing her from having sex? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I know this opinion is not going to be popular here but if the OP's wife has been refusing sex for a decade and has been sleeping in separate rooms etc etc then what the OP does sexually is none is none of her business and she has no need to know and has no say in the matter if she does find out. She chose her fate by opting for celibacy. She has the right to chose celibacy for her own lifestyle but she has no right to involuntarily enforce celibacy onto Shenster if he did not consent to a sexless existence. "should" he divorce her prior to carrying on with others?? some would say yes but if they have both chosen to remain in this sexless marriage for whatever reason then so be it. He knows how to look up a divorce attorney if he wanted one and so does she. My point however is that if one partner unilaterally decides to end the sexual relationship, they have no right to insist on the sexual abstinence of the other party. Sorry, she simply doesn't get a say in what he does with his penis after she no longer wants it and she no longer gets to have an expectation of sexual fidelity when she chooses to no longer make any attempt to meet his sexual needs. It's been ten years. IMHO this isn't even cheating. This is trying to etch out some form of human existence. Do I think he's dumb for staying with her all these years? Yeah, I sure do. I can't understand how anyone could accept that kind of treatment. At their age, they surely do not have any minor children yet so unless she is some kind of Sugar Momma and he is an unemployed deadbeat living off her trust fund, I see no reason on God's green earth why he should stay - but irregardless, She has no right to expect his fidelity and has no right to point a finger if she does find out about it. Everything you say makes perfect sense - as long as he tells her. If it's his right to make choices based on her refusal to have sex with him, she's equally entitled to act based on his sex with other partners. Honesty, what a concept ... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 (edited) I do not believe that because a couple has not been having sex the W won't care if he's committing adultery. If they can't because of a serious medical condition (again, there's help!) this could be SO UTTERLY DEVASTATING it could break her if she's a chronic pain sufferer. He needs to say WHY they are not having sex. It's generally assumed that it's the woman rejecting but look at the forums recently. 'She got saggy boobs after having a baby', I reject her up to 3 times a day! How many WOMEN here have been rejected. Maybe he's frightened of hurting her because of her spinal condition (this is common) & can't maintain an erection (not that the OP shows that kind of sensitivity). The only clue we have is its possibly related to her spine. Please don't belittle that. This forum is "jolly, light relief" in comparison to chronic pain support. I can't handle it at the moment...particularly knowing that nearly EVERY woman who suffers from chronic pain long term will be dumped regardless of what she does. We are all bringing our histories & experiences but we don't know who's are relevant! OP you don't have to give full names, medical institutions etc. until we know what's going on all we can do is share our (could be relevant...or not...life experiences & thoughts!) All I know from experience is that 2 people who truly love eachother can & will find a way in which they can express their need & passion to fulfill & satisfy eachother....even more than they ever imagined. Just because I can't swing by one toe from the high trapezes whist satiating 1 muscle man, 2 clowns & a unicorn doesn't mean that I can't have love & a very satisfying sex life. It takes a basic knowledge of how your wife's body is damaged (assuming it's spine) & some open honesty, full focus on what works & what cripples her & you guys could have a nice sex life. We're a bit passed that though aren't we? It's more a chat on plausible excuses for doing what you're doing. I learnt most members here's views of chronic pain & "In sickness & in health" when I first joined this forum. I cried for weeks. It was a life changing experience for me. The question "Do I tell my children that if genetically they inherit my traits they need to convince themselves that they don't deserve lifelong love from anyone is a very hard one. How can you tell your beautiful babies that they will never be loved unconditionally by anyone other than "Mother"....oh that's so Pink Floyd!! "Come to mother baby Let me hold you in my arms Edited February 14, 2016 by ShatteredLady 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Mr Lucky... Thank you for reminding me that most of those chronic spine patients eventually find kind, loving, patient, happy to explore, doting husbands to share their very active sex lives with. BOTH of you could be set free to find a pleasurable future. Again, just guessing what's the cause of this other than your women chasing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 He perceives his risk of being caught AND the risk of his wife leaving him if she were to catch him as being low. And I think given the circumstances he's likely right about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 He perceives his risk of being caught AND the risk of his wife leaving him if she were to catch him as being low. And I think given the circumstances he's likely right about that. I think it takes two people to accept the terms of a marriage..when this issue arose, it should've been adressed...all the possibilities of fixing the problem should've been exhausted. Also--if you stay in a relationship where your sexual privileges have been permanently revoked it means you are not capable of exititing(at least not yet)....maybe never. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 He perceives his risk of being caught AND the risk of his wife leaving him if she were to catch him as being low. And I think given the circumstances he's likely right about that. Agreed. She's blissfully living her life of ignorance as to what he is doing with his penis and she doesn't care. I am not opposed to him divulging his affair to her and on some big grand scheme of ethics and morality he probably should - I just don't think it matters any more. I think it's dumb for them to go on living this way and it's not the life I would chose. But I think she waived the rights to know about his whereabouts and waived the right to any input on his sex life over 9 years ago. She tore up her wife card 9+ years ago and waived all rights to his sexuality. He can tell her if he wants. Or he can keep sneaking around in the shadows with this AP and leading a double life. I don't think it really matters one way or another. He, his wife, the AP are all remaining legally married for reasons other than love and intimacy and affection etc etc. For whatever reason they getting some kind of monetary and lifestyle benefit out of their roommate arrangements and so they have all adopted this 'don't-ask-don't-tell' arrangement. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Everything you say makes perfect sense - as long as he tells her. If it's his right to make choices based on her refusal to have sex with him, she's equally entitled to act based on his sex with other partners. Honesty, what a concept ... Mr. Lucky I would agree with that if his W was still somewhat sexually active with him and would be placed at risk for STDs or if she was still wanting to have romantic/sexual marriage with him. But based on the information we have been given so far, I am taking this at face value that they have had marital relations for a decade and she has no intentions or desires thereof. There for she is at no risk of STDs from him and has no emotional investment in where his intimacies are. As I said above, in the big scheme of these on an ethical and morality basis, he should probably come clean and they can do a full reassessment of their current situation and determine where they want to go from here. But in practical nuts and bolts terms.......it just doesn't matter. I do wish he would tell us how this situation came to be and what has been discussed about it and what decisions have been made about it prior. But we have to assume that this has been brought up and discussed and agreements made, many times throughout the past ten years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Everything you say makes perfect sense - as long as he tells her. If it's his right to make choices based on her refusal to have sex with him, she's equally entitled to act based on his sex with other partners. Honesty, what a concept ... Mr. Lucky I would agree with that if his W was still somewhat sexually active with him and would be placed at risk for STDs or if she was still wanting to have romantic/sexual marriage with him. But based on the information we have been given so far, I am taking this at face value that they have had marital relations for a decade and she has no intentions or desires thereof. There for she is at no risk of STDs from him and has no emotional investment in where his intimacies are. As I said above, in the big scheme of these on an ethical and morality basis, he should probably come clean and they can do a full reassessment of their current situation and determine where they want to go from here. But in practical nuts and bolts terms.......it just doesn't matter. I do wish he would tell us how this situation came to be and what has been discussed about it and what decisions have been made about it prior. But we have to assume that this has been brought up and discussed and agreements made, many times throughout the past ten years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 If a couple has been married any length of time at all....and there are health issues...most probably...the topic of sex has been discussed. Especially if a debilitating disease strikes...to the point that a partner moves into a separate bedroom. Honey...it is ok with me if you take on lovers since I cannot provide sex for you....I understand...go ahead but please don't embarrass me....please don't tell me because i don't want to know. or maybe....we married each other in sickness and health...please remain faithful to me during my sickness. I don't know the outcome of the conversation...but i imagine this man knows what his wife thinks and how she feels. He is a serial cheater....he is a player....he is a liar.... He is using the excuse of high sex drive to validate cheating on his ill wife..... He came here to brag and gloat about his latest conquest. He doesn't want advice..... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 (edited) Assuming that it is the Wife who unilaterally nixed the sex life, altogether: I am in agreement with Oldshirt on this, though maybe not as stoically. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life, but life does get busy and we have rejected each other. There is something about being turned down in the bed, especially by someone who you love deeply, that can really hurt to the core. Constant rejection or lack of interest would do a number on me. Putting up with it for TEN years would be divorce material. I remember once reading on another forum where a woman said something along the lines of: "My husband was complaining I never wanted to have sex with him. He said it hurt his feelings. Doesn't he understand that our conversations and cuddling is as intimate as being sexual?" That really struck me. Uhm, NO!!! Conversations and cuddling, while intimate in their own way, IS NOT the same as the intimacy that one feels during sex. Moreso, I felt this woman was pushing her views of intimacy on her husband, and was saying her feelings trump his, and gosh darnit, he should feel the same way. But I have read or heard this a few times. Other than the kids and being busy people will justify the lack of wanting sex with another form of intimacy, saying that is sufficient to replace sex. I don't agree with this. And although this is not a popular opinion I *do* agree with the old adage of "well, if you're not giving it up someone else will". I am not saying that people should run out and have affairs, but I am saying it is no surprise when they do. Honestly, people don't want to divorce. Kids aside, they get comfortable after XX amount of years, they enjoy their lifestyle, and no matter how financially secure a couple may be, they don't want to split things 50/50. I do agree, though, that the wife should know, so she can either accept or explore her options. I also think that the OP has not supplied us with enough information concerning why he and his wife do not have sex. We are all assuming that this was a unilateral decision. We don't know that for sure. If he is refusing to have sex with his wife as well then I would retract what I said, as it would not apply to him. Edited February 14, 2016 by Ms. Faust 2 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 OP, So for these 10+ years, knowing her husband (life partner, best friend) has been living with her in a completely platonic, strictly celibate life, with zero physical intimacy, none nada zip … did your wife ever ask you how you are handling with this void emotionally and psychologically? did your wife ever discuss with you what would be fair to YOU, since she cannot (for whatever reason) meet your needs? did she suggest any option for you to have your needs met? And since you claim that you two have a loving otherwise happy marriage, umm… did you two ever openly discuss what it has been doing to you all these years? Is she even remotely aware or bothered to care to know what a sexless marriage for that prolonged a time period especially to a highly sexual man can do? Physical psychological emotional deprivation. I agree with everything OldShirt has said. Kudos to you for being blunt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shenster Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 ok. I've said all I'm going to say about this. I'm just glad I was able to give all the hobbyists and experts something a bit different to comment on. au revoir 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soleilesquire Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Having an affair is a sexual and marital betrayal Withholding sex is a sexual and marital betrayal People with back problems can still move their hands 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I have to say that anyone who would put up with 10 years of no sex deserves a medal. I wouldn't be so accommodating and would've been in the divorce court years ago. Everyone here seems to think this should be a discussion with his wife. The truth is, if his wife had any sense and/or compassion, she would've raised this topic years ago. In other words, she should've addressed this situation with him. This is what completely annoys me about people's attitudes about marriage in general. That one spouse can do whatever they please and the other just has to deal with it. Personally I think she should count her blessings that hatred toward her didn't overwhelm him and that he intends to stay in the marriage. New Orleans is totally great -- upbeat, historic and artsy. The restaurants aren't bad either. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Everyone here seems to think this should be a discussion with his wife. The truth is, if his wife had any sense and/or compassion, she would've raised this topic years ago. In other words, she should've addressed this situation with him. This is what completely annoys me about people's attitudes about marriage in general. That one spouse can do whatever they please and the other just has to deal with it. Personally I think she should count her blessings that hatred toward her didn't overwhelm him and that he intends to stay in the marriage. Well, to be fair we really don't know if his wife brought it up or discussed things because the OP never elaborated, and now he's dipped out. So that's that. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Can you at least say if it's a physical problem or a mental one that stops your wife from having sex, and why you never addressed it with her? Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Folks, heck of a start to Valentines Day.... I closed this thread for two reasons: 1. A number of responses are/were outside of our guidelines and need to be addressed 2. We're reviewing the thread starter for trolling. No reports were received on this thread in that regard so that's totally a moderation-driven thing. For those who responded within our guidelines, thank you. Unfortunately, except for moderated members, we have no control over what is posted here until it is posted. Another moderator is working this and we'll get it resolved and they'll decide the disposition of the thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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