Broken hearted, can someone me understand?

[preraph]

I had something kind of like that once. He just made a decision I wouldn't be someone he'd marry. Now, there was at least one good reason for that, but you can't just keep having a love relationship with no intent to follow through. Probably it's the age gap. Also, he's younger and nowhere near ready to marry or whatever.

 

But ------- it is utter down-low crap that he won't call you his girlfriend and admit to everyone that you are his girlfriend. It's low-down and disrespectful and selfish and insulting! You are perfectly right to have walked out on that. I was never able to break the stalemate with mine (and 40 years later, we still talk, too). I know he loved (s) me, but he made a decision, and that's his right. But I opted never to sleep with him again. See my guy and your guy would have been perfectly happy finding a nice wife and then still sleeping with us. I wasn't having any of that. I suggest you don't either. See if it puts it in perspective any more for him. So now yours has sort of admitted whether he wants to call it that or not, you are his girlfriend -- but that isn't the same as treating you with the respect a girlfriend gets and making plans for the future and making a commitment in your head. You tell him he has some thinking to do, but you are looking for a committed relationship with a real future.

 

Best of luck to you. Men. Gyaaaah.

[joseb]

In the SAME letter. He seriously, exact words said:

 

"I have no interest in a relationship right now but I do want to be with you".

 

Next paragraph

 

"However much I protest we are in a relationship.

 

It's unbelievable anyone can lack awareness to the level that they don;t realise they are literally contradicting themselves.

 

He does it all the time....

 

Well maybe he just means you are in a sexual relationship? He didn't say girlfriend....I have relationships with all kinds of people...

 

 

But yeah, he can't really use the word "relationship" in two different contexts like that and expect it to make any sense!!!

 

Trust me though, whatever words he is using, he doesn't want to be with you in a deep and meaningful bf gf relationship. Cut him out.

Edited February 14, 2016 by joseb

[Ellyssia]

Yeah i couldn't make out what the OP meant with that comment. I think she is saying when she pushes him, he will use the word girlfriend to make her happy. But I may me misreading it. If he freely calls her his girlfriend while saying he never seen her as a girlfriend then Yeah that's nuts!

 

To me it's pretty clear he doesn't want a ltr.

 

I recently have a nsa fbuddy relationship. I was always 100% clear about what I wanted.

Towards the end she started wanting more, so eventually we stopped it.

I wouldn't be surprised if on her side of the story she would say i gave mixed messages, made her think I liked her, etc.

 

I get that, that maybe we hear what we want to hear, but the text of his message said exactly this (this is the text rather than the summary points...) and be honeest if you feel I am creating the idea in my head that he sends mixed messages..because I feel like he does?

 

"I have no interest in having a girlfriend but I do want to enjoy the spare time I have, and that's only with you. I think you're overthinking it and making a mistake. I was really excited about all the things we’d do this year. I was picturing it all in my head and it made me feel happy. I think this is wrong but I have to accept your decision. You're the one that made give you an answer. I still want to see you. I care about you and no matter how much I protest this is a relationship that we are in already. You're the one ending it, not me. We certainly have something special Im not denying that and it’s not just the mind blowing sex. The thought of us never again being in an embrace upsets me. When you open the door and we fall into each other like the way we do. That means something. It's not normal. What we have is amazing. Why don't we start a new chapter today? I don’t just want sex, if I wanted sex I could get it anywhere. Do you think I would pursue this long just for sex? I'm not that shallow. Why don't I come over and we can talk? Nothing beats when we are together. It's sensational. You have this power over me"

 

Did you send messages like that to your fwb?

[katiegrl]

I get that, that maybe we hear what we want to hear, but the text of his message said exactly this (this is the text rather than the summary points...) and be honeest if you feel I am creating the idea in my head that he sends mixed messages..because I feel like he does?

 

"I have no interest in having a girlfriend but I do want to enjoy the spare time I have, and that's only with you. I think you're overthinking it and making a mistake. I was really excited about all the things we’d do this year. I was picturing it all in my head and it made me feel happy. I think this is wrong but I have to accept your decision. You're the one that made give you an answer. I still want to see you. I care about you and no matter how much I protest this is a relationship that we are in already. You're the one ending it, not me. We certainly have something special Im not denying that and it’s not just the mind blowing sex. The thought of us never again being in an embrace upsets me. When you open the door and we fall into each other like the way we do. That means something. It's not normal. What we have is amazing. Why don't we start a new chapter today? I don’t just want sex, if I wanted sex I could get it anywhere. Do you think I would pursue this long just for sex? I'm not that shallow. Why don't I come over and we can talk? Nothing beats when we are together. It's sensational. You have this power over me"

 

Did you send messages like that to your fwb?

 

This all sounds like manipulation.

 

Yes mixed messages, but the only message you need to listen to is his very first sentence -- he has no interest in having a girlfriend.

 

There, he said it, covered his ass.

 

Now he can manipulate you with all the rest of it, hoping you fall for it, so he can have his NSA sex relationship with you....and not feel guilty.

 

And re his denial that all he wants is sex? That took nearly half the paragraph?

 

Me thinks he doth protest too much.

 

That is exactly what he wants.

[Ellyssia]

This all sounds like manipulation.

 

Yes mixed messages, but the only message you need to listen to is his very first sentence -- he has no interest in having a girlfriend.

 

There, he said it, covered his ass.

 

Now he can manipulate you with all the rest of it, hoping you fall for it, so he can have his NSA sex relationship with you....and not feel guilty.

 

And re his denial that all he wants is sex? That took nearly half the paragraph?

 

Me thinks he doth protest too much.

 

That is exactly what he wants!

 

Yes, that's exactly it!

 

But in fairness to me, I don't think messages like this are fair to me. It's hard enough to walk away from someone you have feelings for without them giving you false hope. It's very selfish

[katiegrl]

Yes, that's exactly it!

 

But in fairness to me, I don't think messages like this are fair to me. It's hard enough to walk away from someone you have feelings for without them giving you false hope. It's very selfish

 

Of course it's unfair! In fact I will go further and say it's mean, cruel.

 

PLEASE stay away from him, please.

 

He sounds scary quite frankly, no regard for anyone but himself, doesn't care who he hurts, who he messes up, as long as HIS needs are met ....that is all that matters to him.

 

He's a master manipulator ... he lacks integrity.

 

I am so sorry you got involved with a man like this.

 

You're gonna stay away right? Don't even respond.

 

Block, delete.

 

G'luck!

[joseb]

I get that, that maybe we hear what we want to hear, but the text of his message said exactly this (this is the text rather than the summary points...) and be honeest if you feel I am creating the idea in my head that he sends mixed messages..because I feel like he does?

 

"I have no interest in having a girlfriend but I do want to enjoy the spare time I have, and that's only with you. I think you're overthinking it and making a mistake. I was really excited about all the things we’d do this year. I was picturing it all in my head and it made me feel happy. I think this is wrong but I have to accept your decision. You're the one that made give you an answer. I still want to see you. I care about you and no matter how much I protest this is a relationship that we are in already. You're the one ending it, not me. We certainly have something special Im not denying that and it’s not just the mind blowing sex. The thought of us never again being in an embrace upsets me. When you open the door and we fall into each other like the way we do. That means something. It's not normal. What we have is amazing. Why don't we start a new chapter today? I don’t just want sex, if I wanted sex I could get it anywhere. Do you think I would pursue this long just for sex? I'm not that shallow. Why don't I come over and we can talk? Nothing beats when we are together. It's sensational. You have this power over me"

 

Did you send messages like that to your fwb?

 

No, no I didn't.

 

Talking about plans in the future is definitely being manipulative. As is saying things like you have a power over him

 

I could see saying stuff like "it's not just sex"

At one stage my fb said something like "do u even like me or is it just sex to you" I answered the question honestly. I did like her. I like talking to her. She is a nice person. But maybe I should have lied and said no. Because maybe it gave her the idea I wanted more.

 

This is why initially I thought you might be reading too much into what this guy was saying. Quoting the whole letter helps clarify that he is being unclear in his words.

[Spikiera]

Hi OP, I see another possibility.

 

He probably really does like you and have deep feelings for you. But he just can't be with you...why? Because he's already in a relationship and cannot abandon that one.

 

Regardless, that's not what you need to focus on anyway, just cut him out and live your life.

[Jabron1]

I don't get this guy at all. He's too controlling to have a casual relationship with, but he's too scared to call you his girlfriend.

 

You have clearly told him what you want, and he needs to either sh*t or get off the pot.

[Eighty_nine]

I've been in a similar situation. With someone who didn't want commitment but was controlling and would lose it every time I tried to end things. He cared about me beyond sex, but it changed nothing. He was deeply insecure and I think he got a lot out of the power he felt he had over me. When I wanted to leave him, or date someone else, he would weep and beg and harass me and yell and pull out all the stops. When I started dating someone he said it was the "worst thing anyone had ever done to him" lol.

 

It's VERY confusing because why would anyone who doesn't really love you care so much if you leave or what you do, right? But the thing is... these people only care for themselves, even when they find a connection with someone else. It's all about them 100% of the time.

[preraph]

You should definitely start dating other guys. That will blow his mind, I guarantee you. I think it would be worth it just to see what kind of big justification he can find for not liking THAT. Just to see how dig he'll dig himself in. But then I do have a mean streak once I've been f'd with.

[Ellyssia]

Thanks everyone. I didnt sleep very well. Painful headache between the eyes.

 

I think this has just been difficult for me from start to finish because he made me believe he had strong feelings for me (probably does, lust) and because of that I think I just thought something was growing. I get now that it never was for him.

 

I am taken aback to be honest by the level of compartmentalisation some people are capable of but maybe not everyone is like me and I'd hate to end up with / be married to someone who was not authentic, open to love and appreciate of special bonds when life presents them to you,

 

I was meant to be seeing him today. I am going to cancel.

 

I think all the chemistry /attraction from my end was definitely (being a woman) largely emotionally based and there was this lovely guy, the one who spent so long telling me I was so special, so worth it, so wonderful in his eyes that none of the obstacles mattered. And despite maybe bad timing, an age gap and other things - to me what was happening between us was beautiful, lovely, real.

 

I saw once in a TV show that this woman said that sometimes you see people and you think "yeah, he's ok", and then you talk to them, and suddenly their face becomes them and after a little time that face that was so normal, so average just becomes the most lovely face you've ever seen.

 

That was how I felt about him

 

And I remember he and I sat there in the kitchen cooking dinner and me deciding to put away all my prejudices and pre-concieved ideas of what or who I was looking for and realise that this person sat there with me just made me happy and brought me back to life and it felt like a story was being written and I haven't ever felt that way before with anyone.

 

I honestly thought he'd seen it that way too. From everything he said and lot of things he did, I had thought that. After our first date, God, he'd just seemed so happy and so completely infatuated but I guess he never saw beyond that infatuation to the value of me.

 

About the least attractive thing in the world I can think of short of "I had sex with your Mom" is probably "I don't see you as a girlfriend ever".

 

So, you know, as much pain as I am in and as hard as it has been to understand that all of this - I think when he broken my heart a little bit with those words, he just lost me.

 

I obviously know he doesn't get that. He's not got the ability to get that when he lost my heart he lost my desire for him too; but men can be dumb like that.

 

I expect when he knows that I am gone. Not just in terms of not being around him anymore, but just not feeling about him like I did before - that he will be a little sad.

 

I hope so anyway

 

Hope it meant something to him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hang in there, OP.

 

It's hard to believe some people are like that until we meet someone who is. They usually don't reveal that side of themselves immediately. So we fall for them, have hopes they will change, remember the thrills of when they did seem to be falling for us too.

 

But these moments make us realize they are most definitely not in it for the same reasons we are. I dated a man who was similar. Came and went, told me I was awesome but made it clear we were not boyfriend-girlfriend. I didn't stick around too long, especially after I realized there were other women in his orbit too.

 

Stay far, far away from him. He doesn't sound very stable and he has told you he won't commit. This is bad mix indeed. Focus on your own healing. It does get better, I promise. And it will only get better once you cut him right out of your life.

[Ellyssia]

Hi everyone.

 

Just feeling very sick this morning.

 

Please don't judge me but I did see him last night. More than anything just wanted an answer as to why.

 

We had a very honest, and I think also quite painful conversation for me with some hard truths to hear.

 

So, he came to see me, and we talked and he said that basically he was a very logically led person and that his brain made all of his decisions and that he had decided in his mind that he wanted 3 - 4 children and would like to begin having them in 5 - 6 years, so therefore he was not going to commit to anyone who could not tick that box (I am too old) and he saw falling in love with a person who could not tick that box as being illogical so he would not allow himself to go down that road

 

He said he'd simply found me very attractive, loved being with me and saw it as a short term thing. He admitted, he had liked me much more than he expected, and that it has aroused emotions and attachment in him that he has tried not to feel and when I am gone (or apear gone) he does feel miserable and doesn't like it - but that regardless of those feelings he would not offer a commitment or "give us a shot" because he thinks there is no happy ending.

 

He said he doesn't believe in fate, magic, or even "love" being an emotion. He thinks it all comes from the brain and is a result of evolution, hormones and a variety of other things. He said his previous girlfriend (only ever girlfriend actually) was someone he selected based on her ticking every box he mentally had prepared and that it was a logical decision, not based on falling in love, but that he did eventually feel deep love for her after a bond as grown but that it took years, rather than months and 5 years in total for him to fully commit to her

 

So he said that in his eyes, I had simply been beautiful, smart, and he had wanted to be with me and more so than any other girl, but that it was only temporary.

 

He talked to me about me and how he saw me. I asked him what he liked about me and his face went very gentle and he said that he liked how thoughtful I was and that I always considered other people. He said he loved how emotional I was and how I had such an honest heart. He said he liked that I took care of people around me. He said he loved the way I always told the truth. He said he liked that I always saw the best and tried to make things right and that being around me, even for a sort time, has made him a better person. He said because of me he is more honest and wanted to be a better man and he found himself listenting to my voice in his head and that it was changing him and making him less selfish.

 

I cried a bit at that point because it felt nice that he saw me that way, but also sad because he sees me as an experience passing through in his life and nothing more.

 

He said that he has a strong willpower to fight how he feels, and that in a world with no check boxes he would want to be with me because it makes him happy - but that he is able to deactivate from me and switch off. I asked how he did that, and he said various ways. Like shutting down from me and not being available to see me, by ensuring we don't spend too much time together, by keeping his options open with other people, by emotionally pulling away, by checking out and mentally picking flaws in me so he feels less bad about the idea of me being temporary. He says he misses me a lot when we are apart, but when we are close feels the need to run. He said he wasn't a robot, and it was hard for him, and that he knew he'd miss me a lot when I was gone but that he had always known I would be gone sooner or later.

 

He then talked bit about his childhood, and his only other relationship and he said that after grieving her for so many years that being with me had made him realise what he had with her was not all that great.

 

He said until he was with me he thought she as the greatest woman in the world, and being with me had made him see how inadequate she was. He said when he met me he had still hoped deep down to marry her, and was still in contact with her after many years hoping he would get her back and that being with me the past few months had made him finally get over hr and realise he didn't want her anymore. He seemed to have the opinion (sad as it is) that this would be a running theme, and that once he left me, he would meet someone else even better because hat's just the way he sees it.

 

And he said that he wanted love, but ultimately was scared of it and felt very unworthy of it deep down. He told me he has not even said the words "I love you" to anyone for years, including parents and friends and that he doesn't remember hugging or any kind of bond with his parents.

 

He was really honest, and it was hurtful but I appreciated it as it helped me to understand it all better that in his head, regardless of what happens he is never ever ever going to "fall in love" and make a decision with his heart to stay with me

 

We stayed up all night talking about this (no sex but hugs). What he asked of me was for us to be together, as we are, with no commitments but just enjoying whatever we have and that he would be faithful, honest and more there for me if I would agree to it but that there was never any future as far as he could see and that he was not the type of illogical man to allow himself to fall in love if the situation was innapropriate. He asked me if I would give him six months of my life, for it just to be us.

 

I didn't answer yes or no, but I know obviously the only answer I can give is no.

 

I feel pretty sad, I think he's a fool and he dosn't understand life yet. I think we are actually already in love and that he's too closed off and immature to really see it but I guess maybe I just met someone that doesn't have the capacity to see things the way I do.

[elaine567]

... he had decided in his mind that he wanted 3 - 4 children and would like to begin having them in 5 - 6 years, so therefore he was not going to commit to anyone who could not tick that box (I am too old) and he saw falling in love with a person who could not tick that box as being illogical so he would not allow himself to go down that road

 

I feel pretty sad, I think he's a fool and he doesn't understand life yet. I think we are actually already in love and that he's too closed off and immature to really see it but I guess maybe I just met someone that doesn't have the capacity to see things the way I do.

 

I am not sure if "fool" is the correct term, he seems pretty switched on to what he wants long term, and as you cannot give him what he ultimately wants, then he can't go there with you, no matter how emotionally involved he may get.

The desire for children is strong.

People who want children, often end up on childless paths through no fault of their own, but to deliberately choose a partner who cannot have children when children are wanted, would not be very logical. He is right there.

[Maggie4]

But he pursued you knowing you don't tick that box. That means he hurt you on purpose. That's very selfish, and dumb.

[elaine567]

But he pursued you knowing you don't tick that box. That means he hurt you on purpose. That's very selfish, and dumb.

He pursued her for a bit of fun, "he saw it as a short term thing", a fling.

He said from day one he was NOT looking for anything serious.

[Ellyssia]

I know having children is an important part of life, but I also know plenty of people married with children who are really unhappily married so ticking your check box of life is not always the answer to happiness.

 

My closest friend married a guy 10 years younger and he ended up not having kids but he is a Dad to hers now and they are the happiest people I know. They haven't got much money, and I facetimed them Saturday night and they were just dancing in their living room happy as anything just in their daily life.

 

I am not saying it's the way everyone sees the world, but the way he sees it is dumb. Like he meets someone he likes then be with her 100% or walk away. Don't try and create some sort of weird middle ground where you get to keep her but without investing. It's unrealistic and selfish and I can't understand why anyone would live like that.

[Ellyssia]

I just called him anyway, and told him that we couldn't see each other anymore and I told him that this time I didn't want to be chased, or get letters or have him show up at my door because I was a good person with a good heart and I had feelings for him and he had to stop playing with them.

 

I cried a little. I have never, ever done that to him so he was shocked and went quiet. I usually put on a cheerful front or whatever and this time I think he knows finally how much he has hurt me with all this.

 

I like him, love him, want to be with him but I can't be with anyone who knows for a fact they don't want to be with me. Can't be with anyone who is going to deliberately introduce strategies to block anything ever blossoming. Can't be with anyone who isn't willing to commit to me, even for now, as my boyfriend / partner.

 

I am just not mentally or emotionally capable of that level of compartmentalisation and it would only make me sad every day.

[brokengirl85]

Yikes this guy sucks. You'll end up hurting, probably more, if you continue to stick with him.

 

And good luck trying to get rid of him, he is a crazy weirdo and he won't let you alone. I feel for you. Such bad luck ugh

[elaine567]

I know having children is an important part of life, but I also know plenty of people married with children who are really unhappily married so ticking your check box of life is not always the answer to happiness.

Of course not, but deliberately shutting off that avenue, potentially forever, is a huge deal for most.

It may be an option on the back burner, but they still like the fact it is an option. Here there is no option.

 

I am not saying it's the way everyone sees the world, but the way he sees it is dumb. Like he meets someone he likes then be with her 100% or walk away. Don't try and create some sort of weird middle ground where you get to keep her but without investing. It's unrealistic and selfish and I can't understand why anyone would live like that.

But is that not the essence of "not serious"/casual/FWB relationships?

 

This is very hard, I am sure for you both, "love" is so difficult to find, but practically this cannot work, due to the reasons he cites - you have done the right thing.

[Ellyssia]

I know, thank you. It is hard but I am so sure it's the right decision.

 

I do think he will leave me alone now. I think hearing my tears would have done it. We had talks about this before but this talk was very different. He knows now that I don't want what he is offering and he will leave me alone I think.

[brokengirl85]

I know, thank you. It is hard but I am so sure it's the right decision.

 

I do think he will leave me alone now. I think hearing my tears would have done it. We had talks about this before but this talk was very different. He knows now that I don't want what he is offering and he will leave me alone I think.

 

Do you think he'll leave you alone? He sounds like a psychopath. I'd be scared, no doubt about it.

[Ellyssia]

Yes I really think he will leave me alone this time

 

I don't think he is a psycopath, just very selfish, but I think he understand now that I don't want him anymore adn that was never understood before.

 

Even if he didn't leave me alone, I am not going to see him or speak to him.

[brokengirl85]

Yes I really think he will leave me alone this time

 

I don't think he is a psycopath, just very selfish, but I think he understand now that I don't want him anymore adn that was never understood before.

 

Even if he didn't leave me alone, I am not going to see him or speak to him.

 

 

Good luck. I'm worried about you. He sounds very intense and scary. I don't think he'll let you alone that easily. Call 911 if you feel threatened at any moment.