He won't do anything sexual with me?!

[Terry8889]

I think it is dumb to assume he is gay just because he wants to wait for marriage to have sex. Many women would kill to find someone like that with good values and morals. There are too many men out there just looking for fun and playing with girls feelings in other to get sex. I have happened to encounter a few of these and it sucks, it is hard to find someone with good intentions and feelings nowadays.

 

My current bf is over 30 yo and has never tried anythingsexual with me, we have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now and sometimes I felt frustrated like you but after going through some messy relationships with guys who were mostly looking for fun. I really appreciate having a man who actually respects me and wants me for me as a person and not because I am one opportunity for free sex.

 

You have only two options here:

 

1. Stay with the guy and expect no sexual activity before marriage and no pressure of any kind from your side for it to happen.

 

2. Break up with him and let him find someone like him that wants to wait for marriage and you can go find someone who can give the intimacy that you want.

[TaraMaiden2]

Her's what I wrote in reply to a similar situation in another forum:

 

To wait, is utter foolishness, and I will explain this through evidence, and situations I have witnessed at first hand.

As many may know, I was involved with an organisation that assists, counsels and supports couples before and after any legal commitment has taken place.

This organisation was connected to but not governed or run by, the Catholic Church.

A requirement, by the Catholic church, for any couple wishing to consecrate their marriage in church, was that they had to attend a 'pre-marriage workshop'.

 

The vast majority of couples initially both resented this requirement, and were reluctant to attend, but in view of the fact that the church would not marry them otherwise, they attended.

 

I can count on the fingers of one hand, (after having met hundreds and hundreds of couples over the 4 years I worked with this organisation) the people who still maintained the course was pointless, AFTER having attended.

 

Part of the workshop was for the couples to look at a list of things that would be a priority to them, and to put them in order of personal preference and importance. There was a list of things, such as 'having children', 'Having a good career', 'Earning a good salary', 'living close to relatives', 'going to church', and so on. There was also 'enjoying a frequent and active sex-life'.

 

The disparity in this last 'priority' was startling, with most couples being at opposite ends of the spectrum.

For the most part, for men, it was a high priority, usually number 3 or four.... for many, many women, it was relatively low (occasionally bottom!) on the list. More rarely, the positions were reversed - with some women choosing that option as a high priority and their partners being lower on the list - but in the main, it was the male partner, who held it as an important factor.

 

The workshop couples were then broken off into small groups, to discuss these lists of priorities and see where they differed.

One couple I particularly remember, found this disparity disturbing, with the young man actually turning to his fiancee and asking, "So does this mean that basically, we're just going to be married best friends? Because if I'm facing a life of sex less than four times a month", (as she had put it) "I don't see this as a happening thing....."

 

Their wedding was 3 weeks away.

 

They ended up by cancelling it.

He had been secretly hoping - despite an existing experience of infrequency in sex - that once they were married, things would 'settle down' and he would get sex on a more frequent basis.

 

Waiting until marriage, to assess sexual compatibility is a disaster waiting to happen.

If a couple remain celibate until they tie the knot - only to discover a huge gap with their libidos, levels of desire and definition of 'frequent'- then it spells disaster for the relationship. There is nothing more crushing than putting your desires on hold, out of respect for a partner's desires - only to discover, once a legal procedure has taken place - that actually, it's ALWAYS going to be like this.

 

Besides - how can a woman - or any man, for that matter - say they wish to abstain from sex, without first knowing what it's like?

 

That's like saying - I will never have sauerkraut with my german sausage, until I'm married - then discovering that actually, you don't even like sauerkraut at all, and would never eat it anyway.

 

In order to be able to assess whether you can stop doing something, you must have already sampled it to be able to accurately measure the will-power against the natural desire.

 

It's like giving things up for Lent.

 

I have given up smoking, for Lent. For the next 40 days, I will not touch a cigarette, at all.

 

The fact that actually, I already don't smoke and have never smoked, is besides the point.

 

Isn't it?

[Lois_Griffin]

Yes I do think it's a large possibility he is. I asked him if he would cuddle naked and he said "possibly." That's not even sexual intercourse of any kind. Everyone asks me if he's gay, talks about how they think he is, and a drunk man on the train said to me "I think ur boyfriend is gay."

It's because he does theater and he's very theaterical in his talking and has a kind of "gay" voice. So in turn, everyone assumes his sexuality.

Gosh, that's odd. A gay man in the theater?

 

Hun, you're in denial. Your boyfriend is gay. You're what's known as a 'beard.' He doesn't want to come out so he tries to do what society feels is the 'normal' thing to do and dates a girl. You're just his way of hiding his sexuality, is all.

[Lois_Griffin]

If ever he is gay of course he won't want to break up with you. He's in the closet. He's not ready to face his sexual identity. You are his garantee that people won't accuse him of being gay as long as you date.

Also known as a 'beard.'

[Buddhist]

I think it is dumb to assume he is gay just because he wants to wait for marriage to have sex.

 

It's not just that he wants to wait for marriage but he also has no discernible libido towards his gf. Like it or not, not wanting anything sexual from your so is often a sign of hiding an incompatible sexual orientation. It's dumb not to consider the possibility and blindly believe that everything is as he says it is.

 

Many women would kill to find someone like that with good values and morals.

 

Good morals and values exist in sexual men too. I would rather a partner who indicates he has sexual desire for me than a partner who does not and leaves me wondering why not.

 

I really appreciate having a man who actually respects me and wants me for me as a person and not because I am one opportunity for free sex.

 

Merely wanting sex with a partner isn't a sign of disrespect or only wanting to use your body.

[elaine567]

gosh, that's odd. A gay man in the theater?

 

 

lol!!!

............................

[joseb]

I don't buy his "I am a christian so I cant have sex" line at all. All of south America are Christian. Not too many abstaining from sex there.

Plus he doesn't seem to want to do Anything.

I'm with others, he's gay and either in denial or hiding.

[Mimispark]

Just out of curiosity, in what other ways is he religious? Does he go to Church every week? Does he pray, read the scriptures?

 

Does he follow God's laws in other ways, or just the no sex before marriage law?

 

Yes, he is constantly at church and youth group and practically grew up with his church.

[TaraMaiden2]

Mimi, let me tell you: When a potential long-term partner puts God above you (and it seems on the face of it, from what you say, that he has) consider therefore, that you will never be his priority.

He has something in his life which takes precedence and is more important to him than the consideration of your wishes, desires and persuasion.

 

Think about that:

How long do you think you will be prepared to take second place in his affections?

[katiegrl]

Mimi, let me tell you: When a potential long-term partner puts God above you (and it seems on the face of it, from what you say, that he has) consider therefore, that you will never be his priority.

He has something in his life which takes precedence and is more important to him than the consideration of your wishes, desires and persuasion.

 

Think about that:

How long do you think you will be prepared to take second place in his affections?

 

That is the premise of Christianity though. God before anything, even family.

 

It's God, spouse, children ...that's the priority according to Christian law.

 

What is concerning is not that he wishes to wait until marriage for sex, but as others have said, he does not appear to have any sexual desire for OP at all. Or maybe anyone!

 

Perhaps he is simply sexually repressed.

 

Unfortunately this happens sometimes as a result of being bombarded with what a few Christian Churches (not all) espouse -- that sex (or even sexual feelings) are dirty, wrong, ugly, sending you straight to hell.

 

So this is a possibility as well.

 

Very very sad.

Edited February 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[caringsister]

Seriously? He must be gay because he isnt having sex with her? It can't be that he is honoring God above all else. She says he was practically raised in the church, attends youth group... etc. He is serious about his commitment to God.

He is a Christian.

 

Funny how remaining a virgin til marriage gets him tagged as gay, but if he as a christian had sex with her he would probably be labeled a hypocrite.

 

It isnt so far fetched that there are actually people out there that live by biblical standards.

 

If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who wanted to wait til marriage no one would be calling her a closet lesbian.

[TaraMaiden2]

Seriously? He must be gay because he isnt having sex with her? It can't be that he is honoring God above all else. She says he was practically raised in the church, attends youth group... etc. He is serious about his commitment to God.

He is a Christian.

 

Funny how remaining a virgin til marriage gets him tagged as gay, but if he as a christian had sex with her he would probably be labeled a hypocrite.

 

It isnt so far fetched that there are actually people out there that live by biblical standards.

 

If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who wanted to wait til marriage no one would be calling her a closet lesbian.

The only reason they're proposing he may be gay, is because the OP has described his lifestyle, mannerisms, verbal affectation and profession.

 

Otherwise, no, you're absolutely right. there's no hint whatsoever that he might be.

[Mimispark]

The only reason they're proposing he may be gay, is because the OP has described his lifestyle, mannerisms, verbal affectation and profession.

 

Otherwise, no, you're absolutely right. there's no hint whatsoever that he might be.

 

He doesn't hang out with me that much and we mostly will go out to eat. He won't hook up with me at my house because he fears my parents even though I told him it's totally fine. We have sent sexy pictures to each other and he responded by saying I was so hot and sent me some you-know-what pics. When we makeout he will half heartedly touch my butt, RARELY my chest, and if he does I practically have to force him to go under the clothes. A lot of the time if we make out we will be pressed up against each other, but he will just hold my hands down by our sides. Sometimes he gets really into it but only rests his hands on the top off my butt but presses me really close to him. So I don't know WHAT to think. I'm always the one starting the sexual pictures or anything, he TURNED DOWN.... Yes... TURNED DOWN a bl0w j0b. Yes, as I was on top of him and asked him if I could. He also complements my clothes and hair... A lot. And other girls. He seems to really love me but I don't know. One time we both got really drunk at a party and I asked him to come with me alone in another room and he started yelling "no I'm a good Christian boy!" And it was really embarrassing...

[Mimispark]

Seriously? He must be gay because he isnt having sex with her? It can't be that he is honoring God above all else. She says he was practically raised in the church, attends youth group... etc. He is serious about his commitment to God.

He is a Christian.

 

Funny how remaining a virgin til marriage gets him tagged as gay, but if he as a christian had sex with her he would probably be labeled a hypocrite.

 

It isnt so far fetched that there are actually people out there that live by biblical standards.

 

If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who wanted to wait til marriage no one would be calling her a closet lesbian.

 

Hi, please read my response to taraMaiden2 and tell me what you think.

[Gaeta]

Mimispark you don't have to figure out if he is gay or not. He may simply be asexual. STOP pressuring him into your sexual little games.

 

How would you like a guy to pressure you the way you pressure him? How would you like someone pressure your little sister into some sexual games? STOP IT.

 

Another thing you need to stop. You need to stop figuring him out. You are not a psychologist, you are not a professional, you have no business probing his mind to know what's in there. If EVER he is homosexual you will only make him feel worse about himself.

 

So enough of this. Break up with him and find yourself a guy that wants to play with you.

[Mimispark]

Mimispark you don't have to figure out if he is gay or not. He may simply be asexual. STOP pressuring him into your sexual little games.

 

How would you like a guy to pressure you the way you pressure him? How would you like someone pressure your little sister into some sexual games? STOP IT.

 

Another thing you need to stop. You need to stop figuring him out. You are not a psychologist, you are not a professional, you have no business probing his mind to know what's in there. If EVER he is homosexual you will only make him feel worse about himself.

 

So enough of this. Break up with him and find yourself a guy that wants to play with you.

 

I don't know how many times I have to tell you I am not pressuring him!! When I tried to give him 0ral he hadn't told me he didn't believe in it! He lied to me for 4 months of our relationship leading me to believe the only thing he wasn't comfortable with was PIV sex. So none of that was my fault I was under the wrong impression.

[Gaeta]

He doesn't hang out with me that much and we mostly will go out to eat. He won't hook up with me at my house because he fears my parents even though I told him it's totally fine. We have sent sexy pictures to each other and he responded by saying I was so hot and sent me some you-know-what pics. When we makeout he will half heartedly touch my butt, RARELY my chest, and if he does I practically have to force him to go under the clothes. A lot of the time if we make out we will be pressed up against each other, but he will just hold my hands down by our sides. Sometimes he gets really into it but only rests his hands on the top off my butt but presses me really close to him. So I don't know WHAT to think. I'm always the one starting the sexual pictures or anything, he TURNED DOWN.... Yes... TURNED DOWN a bl0w j0b. Yes, as I was on top of him and asked him if I could. He also complements my clothes and hair... A lot. And other girls. He seems to really love me but I don't know. One time we both got really drunk at a party and I asked him to come with me alone in another room and he started yelling "no I'm a good Christian boy!" And it was really embarrassing...

 

Look what I have put in bold.

 

When people do thing half hearted it's because they feel pressured.

 

You FORCE HIM to touch you under your clothes

 

He holds your hands down while you make out because he is afraid you will touch him in a way he doesn't like.

 

He never initiate anything sexual. He doesn't like it!! You KNOW it yet you keep on initiating it.

 

He HATES these sexual games SO MUCH that he YELLS NO !!!!

 

You don't call that pressuring him?????

[caringsister]

Hi, please read my response to taraMaiden2 and tell me what you think.

 

I think you need to find someone that is up to your speed. Youre so set on trying to convince us that there is something wrong with him because he isnt having sex with you when clearly he has stated he is a Christian and wants to wait. You should respect that just the same as if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

You say you aren't pressuring him, but in your own words you said you practically have to force him to put his hand under your clothes, youre asking him if he wants a bj, trying to get him to break and have sex with you. He wants to serve God, clearly, but if your ego can't handle that his desire to live a christian life and his desire for God is greater then his desire to have sex with you then do the guy a favor and go play leap frog on your willing ex and leave him alone so he can find someone with the same values as him.

 

That's not being gay my dear that's being Godly.Respect that.

Edited February 13, 2016 by caringsister

[coolheadal]

Him LSD *low sex drive and you HSD **high sex drive both clearly not at the same sex drive speed. You can't force this guy to do what you want and you need to find someone else to be with. If you want this guy then put up with it. Not much else you can do is live your life the way he has his laid out. Whatever you do don't cheat that would make it worst! If he wants to save himself for marriage sex then you got to respect him if you can't wait then you need to push on to the guy you would rather be with that will give you sex now! Still it's a matter of life what you want?

[gaius]

My current bf is over 30 yo and has never tried anythingsexual with me, we have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now

 

Maybe we should introduce your boyfriend to her boyfriend.

[preraph]

This is true, but I am a Virgin.... I have just had 0ral. But if it isn't religion what is it? Because he told me it was but he also keeps kind of switching it and saying it's also that he's never done anything with a girl so he's not comfortable and the thing is we've been dating for 5 months. I think only making out after 5 months is crazy slow and he thinks it's fast (we have also sent pictures) but still.

 

I think religion is just his excuse. By the way, oral is more intimate than intercourse. I don't consider people who do oral virgins, myself. But I don't care if anyone is a virgin or not, of course.

 

I think him saying not comfortable is the real issue. Now, again, why he isn't comfortable can be he's gay and cannot accept it (because he's religious) or he's just fearful about all sex because he's religious and has maybe been shamed about it growing up. I dated a gay guy and this is all very familiar. He'd have dreams about me and then being in hell, a firy inferno, and wouldn't have sex. I knew right away he was gay because I have experience and knew lots of gay guys. But he couldn't admit it to himself. So I was basically what he hid behind to try to look normal. With him, he was both gay AND fearful about anything to do with sex. Staying with him would have only been enabling him and stopping him from having to grow. And again, erectile dysfunction can often play a part as well, for any of the above reasons or just by itself. Childhood molestation can also cause that.

 

You are you and I am me, so I can't say what's best for you, but I could not stay with a guy who was so repressed and fearful that he couldn't even develop his own sexuality - for whatever reason. I really think instead of trying to fix him, you just leave and let that be motivation for him to go seek professional help to fix himself. Just my opinion. Hope it works out for the best for you.

[normal person]

All that is important and fun but what I'm stuck on is wondering IF I NEED to go further than that. It bothers me that something in my mind wants me to because on the other hand id hate to break it off with my great partner.

 

Obviously he's not such a great partner if you're this unsatisfied with him. Sure, he checks some of the boxes, but not all of them, certainly not all the important ones, and you're very clearly unhappy.

 

You want a certain degree of intimacy, he doesn't -- the reasons he doesn't are totally irrelevant. You're incompatible on that alone. It won't change and it's pointless to try and change him. It's also wrong for him to try and cry and manipulate you to stay with him because in doing so he's denying you something you really want and causing you unhappiness. You need someone who can satisfy you sexually and he needs someone who won't jeopardize his faith (or expose his homosexuality, or whatever the case may be). You're just wrong for each other. It's that simple.

 

 

Here are your options:

1). Continue being with the guy, being sexless and unhappy, stop complaining about it because nothing will change

 

or

 

2). Break up with him and find a guy who can give you what you want