Girlfriend visiting male friends one-on-one at their houses?

[mikeylo]

Making stuff up and presenting it as truth won't make it truth.

 

True that but by the time the truth comes out, a rift has already been created between lovers by the ' friend'. Very common scenario but ignored.

[Httm]

True that but by the time the truth comes out, a rift has already been created between lovers by the ' friend'. Very common scenario but ignored.

 

A rift could only be created if the relationship was based on insecurities and/or someone wasn't faithful. People can be unfaithful without being close friends with someone. The opposite sex is everywhere. Either the relationship foundation is solid or it isn't.

[sunking101]

A rift could only be created if the relationship was based on insecurities and/or someone wasn't faithful. People can be unfaithful without being close friends with someone. The opposite sex is everywhere. Either the relationship foundation is solid or it isn't.

 

When women go out clubbing on girlie nights, get drunk and chatted up by 25 guys...or when they have close male friendships and people say "well if she's going to cheat then she'll cheat". Surely making infidelity FAR more likely isn't in anyone's best interests??

[mikeylo]

A rift could only be created if the relationship was based on insecurities and/or someone wasn't faithful. People can be unfaithful without being close friends with someone. The opposite sex is everywhere. Either the relationship foundation is solid or it isn't.

 

Without dragging it further , I actually dont agree about a realtionship based on insecurities has the potential for this.

 

A lie told in the most truly way,can destroy the roots of a relationship based on trust, security,love,you name it. If nothing, it plants a seed for future. And there you have the solid foundation moving !

 

Happens everyday.Thats why so many people are left dumbfounded and ask 'everything was fine, he/she went MIA/ghosted/faded /dumped etc. I dont know what happened '

 

Its not about opposite sex being everywhere.Its about boundaries and knowing where to stop.Many ' friends' cross them, just to see how much power they have to ruin or making someone unhappy. Its the partner's duty to not give anyone that power.That boils down to how much of a person you are.I'm sure most people who are pro , have double standards.When they do something with an opposite sex 'friend', its just friends.when the partner does it, its wrong.

 

Everyday you see relationship problems/fights/break ups because of friends.Not worth it. The priorities are not in place for many. To make a partner accept their friend status and continue crossing boundaries is *****ty behavior at best.To top it all, making the partner feel neurotic.

 

All in all, if having opposite sex friends is causing a damage to your relationship, choose before it becomes a mess. Find someone who is on the same page rather than expecting someone to accept what is a deal breaker for them.

 

No good has ever come for having opposite sex friends, in relation to having a loving relationship with your partner. For many , it will be a lesson learned the hard way with regrets.

[salparadise]

A rift could only be created if the relationship was based on insecurities and/or someone wasn't faithful. People can be unfaithful without being close friends with someone. The opposite sex is everywhere. Either the relationship foundation is solid or it isn't.

 

Black and white thinking at it's absolute best. Let me see if I'm hearing you correctly... if he's secure in himself then he won't mind her spending one on one time in private with ex-bfs, fb's and fwb's, and she has no responsibility for the impact any of the behaviors have on the relationship... unless she's actually banging one or more of these guys, which he's not going to know about?

 

So a guy with a girlfriend like this ought to be totally fine with the arrangement unless she messes up and comes home with a dick still in her mouth, or she suddenly find Jesus and confesses? Thought so- gotta love the love shack.

[mikeylo]

Black and white thinking at it's absolute best. Let me see if I'm hearing you correctly... if he's secure in himself then he won't mind her spending one on one time in private with ex-bfs, fb's and fwb's, and she has no responsibility for the impact any of the behaviors have on the relationship... unless she's actually banging one or more of these guys, which he's not going to know about?

 

So a guy with a girlfriend like this ought to be totally fine with the arrangement unless she messes up and comes home with a dick still in her mouth, or she suddenly find Jesus and confesses? Thought so- gotta love the love shack.

 

Agree. Would have been perfect if you wrote it from both genders view.

 

Many guys do the same. Going around blatantly , laughing in their gf's face with female ' friends ' while she just stands , feeling stupid but her bf is just sharing an inner joke with his female friend who was here before the gf came along ! She needs to understand this ! She will and most likely will stop loving him the way she does and one day leave with him thinking what happened ? I was good to her , treated her better than her ex, blah, blah. Yes, all that was true but what about making her feel stupid with no fault of hers?

Everyday one sees a couple where one of them is 'catching up' with a friend and the spouse left to watch and then expected to be genuinely happy for their partner.Full of nonsense.

[soleilesquire]

If my SO wanted to stop by and say hello to a longtime friend, I wouldn't mind so much. My ex wanted to do this when a longtime childhood friend was visiting her parents, who happened to live down the road from his. I saw no problem with that.

 

BUT, going and hanging out one on one on any kind of regular basis? No. Not because I would assume he is awful or she is awful, but because humans are humans, and spending a lot of close one on one time with an opposite sex human just plain makes one vulnerable to a connection.

[MrDuck]

" I feel like that's a little sad personally. That's half the population you're writing off. "

 

You are sad that you cant have female friends because of your girlfriend? I feel sad for her. It seems you resent being in a relationship with her. You probably love her but love other women as well and I sense a feeling of resentment from being in a committed relationship.

 

Nope, i'm not sad I cant have female friends because of my gf.. My gf wouldn't create drama over me seeing a female friend! That said I really don't have many female friends in this country (I did have a few in other countries I've lived), here the only girls I really count as friends are some that I work with (and my gf knows, given that we work at the same place).

 

I certainly don't resent my gf, and I certainly don't resent being in a committed relationship. You'd know that about me if you looked beyond the surface, but you didn't. You made a snap decision about me based on hardly anything at all, and you judged me on it. Which, ironically, is exactly what the comment I made that you quoted referred to. I think its sad when you make a snap decision on half the population based on no other information than their gender. I don't have a ton of female friends but I do think it would be a sad world where all I could ever consider a girl being was a girlfriend or nothing at all, because, she has nothing more to give me than that.. That's a really narrow view to hold.

[MrDuck]

Everyday one sees a couple where one of them is 'catching up' with a friend and the spouse left to watch and then expected to be genuinely happy for their partner.Full of nonsense.

Well that could be true of a friend of either gender..

 

 

So you shouldn't take your partner with you to catch up with a mate of either gender in case they feel left out..

 

 

But you also shouldn't go alone, in case they get jealous

 

 

Its a wonder the human race has managed to successfully reproduce all these years

[mikeylo]

Nope, i'm not sad I cant have female friends because of my gf.. My gf wouldn't create drama over me seeing a female friend! That said I really don't have many female friends in this country (I did have a few in other countries I've lived), here the only girls I really count as friends are some that I work with (and my gf knows, given that we work at the same place).

 

I certainly don't resent my gf, and I certainly don't resent being in a committed relationship. You'd know that about me if you looked beyond the surface, but you didn't. You made a snap decision about me based on hardly anything at all, and you judged me on it. Which, ironically, is exactly what the comment I made that you quoted referred to. I think its sad when you make a snap decision on half the population based on no other information than their gender. I don't have a ton of female friends but I do think it would be a sad world where all I could ever consider a girl being was a girlfriend or nothing at all, because, she has nothing more to give me than that.. That's a really narrow view to hold.

 

I hope not to see you being on the break up board because of your views ! I guess your gf has given you more than enough reason to be trustworthy while you not. I can clearly see double standards here.Probably gaslighting in the near future.

Well, not my problem ! Its your gf's problem.

[mikeylo]

Well that could be true of a friend of either gender..

 

 

So you shouldn't take your partner with you to catch up with a mate of either gender in case they feel left out..

 

 

But you also shouldn't go alone, in case they get jealous

 

 

Its a wonder the human race has managed to successfully reproduce all these years

 

MrDuck, with due respect to you, your views will not be appreciated by your gf of few months.I can bet you on that.

[Miss Peach]

I think it depends on the friendships and the partner's boundaries.

 

I have several male friends I do this with and any BF would just have to accept this. These are friends I've known for YEARS. Most of these guys have recently come out but even before then there was NEVER anything remotely sexual between us. My BF knows I am very cautious about putting myself into possibly bad situations. BF knows he is always invited but I wouldn't expect him to have to come to see these friends.

 

But I do not have a harem of orbiters when in a relationship. Many people do. If I am at all concerned of the guy being a real friend then I don't engage, I invite BF with me, etc. I am very careful of the guys I accept as friends. I know the majority of guys who tell me they want to check out XYZ are not really wanting to be my friend. If there is any doubt either I don't go or invite BF with me out of respect for my relationship.

 

With a partner I would expect similar. If they had poor boundaries or put themselves into questionable situations, I would question whether the relationship was right for me. If they wanted to go visit a female friend that I've met who they've known since childhood then I wouldn't be bothered.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Miss Peach

[craw]

I used to live on a game reserve in Africa. My door didn't even have a lock. And I used to leave the keys in my truck for convenience and I case one of the other guys needed to borrow it. Its sad really that we call ourselves a developed country yet we have to keep everything under lock and key.

 

Game reserve? oh dear.

[MrDuck]

I hope not to see you being on the break up board because of your views ! I guess your gf has given you more than enough reason to be trustworthy while you not. I can clearly see double standards here. Probably gaslighting in the near future.

Well, not my problem ! Its your gf's problem

MrDuck, with due respect to you, your views will not be appreciated by your gf of few months.I can bet you on that.

Your right, my gf gives me every reason in the world to be trustworthy, she is the voice in my head and she doesn't ever need to worry about my loyalty to her.

Luckily for me neither to I doubt on any level her loyalty to me. She's the most trustworthy person I know. I trust her with my life.

 

You're wrong however that my gf would be in someway offended by anything I've said in this thread. She'd completely agree that if you trust one another and the relationship you've built together, you don't need to be making drama over occasional catch ups with friends.

Game reserve? oh dear.

First place that ever truly felt like somewhere to call home. Some of the very best years of my life.

[turnera]

Oh my. Are you serious? When you do this you are letting intimidation win and that will only bring about other bad things. What I would do is get an alarm system that pages you when the car has been comprised - leave it unlocked at this point. When the pager goes off call the police and tell them you think your car is about to be stolen. You'll have about 20 officers respond within a couple minutes and take the prick to jail. I did just that.

Or have it activate a bullhorn alarm that breaks his eardrums.

 

As to OP's question, if it's not overboard, if it's an occasional thing, the trust you show is more important than your insecurity. Have some faith in yourself that you are worth NOT cheating for, yes? As long as you're meeting her needs and keeping her happy, and as long as she knows you're out the door at the first sign of cheating, sit back and trust her.

 

Now, if she's shown an ability to cheat, of course not. But why be with her, then?

Edited February 22, 2016 by turnera

[Got it]

Why not accept that this is a personal decision with couples and not a hard and fast rule. Some are comfortable, some are not. A lot of this is perception. Most, I have observed, that are so negative on this are in the midst of or recently in a bad relationship where they felt victimized themselves. That is sad to see and understandable but one's experience does not make something a universal fact.

 

My husband has female friends but I have no worries. We are open and transparent with each other. If one of us became uncomfortable we would discuss it and make changes as needed/desired. I respect my husband and place him as a top priority. So his happiness, desires, etc. are paramount.

 

This is a very grey topic so obviously everyone is going have a different opinion about. All that matters is that you and your SO are on the same page.

[sunking101]

Why not accept that this is a personal decision with couples and not a hard and fast rule. Some are comfortable, some are not. A lot of this is perception. Most, I have observed, that are so negative on this are in the midst of or recently in a bad relationship where they felt victimized themselves. That is sad to see and understandable but one's experience does not make something a universal fact.

 

My husband has female friends but I have no worries. We are open and transparent with each other. If one of us became uncomfortable we would discuss it and make changes as needed/desired. I respect my husband and place him as a top priority. So his happiness, desires, etc. are paramount.

 

This is a very grey topic so obviously everyone is going have a different opinion about. All that matters is that you and your SO are on the same page.

 

Very true. A good, solid relationship where you *feel* loved allows one to be much more relaxed and carefree. Some people breed distrust and it's natural to be less carefree about what they get up to.

[mikeylo]

My BIL's case ( married to my cousin)

 

He has female friends. She has male friends. They are in a party.

 

Him : talking to his female friends : overt body language , invading personal space , leaning towards them , giving compliments on their body, clothes, hair ; laughing obnoxiously, touching ,pinching.

His female friends : blushing , laughing out loud, hair flipping , easily enjoying the attention.

Result : putting everyone around them , especially his wife, to shame, in the name of just chatting up a friend. Just catching up.

 

His wife : Dignified hello , pleasent exchange of words, no invading of personal space, no leaning in , no touching , no laughing out loud.

Her male friends : keeping the distance but still catching up.

Result : No awkwardness. No one put to shame.

 

Friends of opposite sex are best kept at arms distance. Personal space is for lovers, not ' friends'.

 

My cousin resents him for not maintaining clear , respectful distance. She does wonder how he can lean all into those friends and not feel wrong. If her male friend was leaning into her so much , my BIL would blow up!

 

Yes, his friends were there before they got together.

[mikeylo]

I edited but it didn't work.

 

Anyway, the point being , sometimes it's not about trust , esteem etc. It's more about how and on what level are your opposite sex friendships.

 

My cousin now avoids going out with my BIL for fear of getting embarrassed by him , yet again ! He OTOH, continues and says his female friends know him better. Fair enough ! She doesn't put in the effort to keep the relationship going as he is disrespecting the relationship itself. This behavior on his part has spilled into each and everything they had built together.