Why do marriages fail?

[SolG]

Every marriage gets to the moment when the pedestal we've placed our partner on falls away. Once I've seen my partner at her best and her worst, watched her under grace and under fire and have seen the real person behind the facade we all put up, there's a question to answer - do I like what I see?

 

A "yes" answer gives a foundation to build on, it's at least a beginning. Successful marriages start from there...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky I think this is the nub of it for me. I personally think that the individuals in a life partnership need to be courageous enough to continue to reveal themselves to one another as they grow and change. They need to be able to say today was ****ty at work and I need you to hold me and tell me I did the right thing. Or today, although I love you, when you don't help with the kids I want to slap you. Or today, I really felt attracted to the pretty boy/girl in accounting when they smiled at me because I think I'm feeling old and unattractive; please reassure me. Today I really disagree with you and we need to habe this out.. Today I resent you as much as I love you. I fear my mortality, I am hurt, I am bereft...

 

But to show you may mean risking your anger, disapproval, judgement, rejection... So I'll just hide. So I'll snipe, or bury myself in work or a hobby or an affair. Or I'll just focus exclusively on the kids. Because it's easier, osentibly, than facing my fear and being known.

 

I think we build facades. We become afraid of the true intimacy of being known. Because it's scary and full of potential for change and hurt. So people hide and hurt anyway. I don't think it's the only reason... but I think it's a big one in why marriages end.

[elaine567]

Sure there are "always things for both to work on" bit one one doesn't put the socks away and the other is sleeping with prostitutes, well......um....the socks are clearly the issue, right?

 

Good point.

[Redhead14]

Marriages fail nowadays because people fail to understand/embrace the meaning of commitment. Commitment is obligation. Obligation to do the work that is necessary for maintaining the relationship which requires give and take. If one or both parties are unable to sacrifice and there is no give or take, it's never going to work.

 

Arguing is a common reason people say they want to move on. It's not about the arguments, however, it's about the way they argue and how the arguments end. Disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional. How they handle arguments in the beginning and minimizing "residual" resentments that carry forward into other arguments simply creates cracks in the communication process over time.

 

The bottom line is that marriages are only sustainable if both parties have good communication and conflict resolution skills. Without those skills, the marriage is pretty much doomed to failure.

 

There are other pieces of the puzzle as well but communication is usually the root. And, it's not important to figure out why marriages fail, what is important, is that when you realize that YOUR marriage is failing, that each party take a step back and sit down and TALK to each other before it becomes so untenable and so tangled that it can't be figured out. Pay attention to how you talk to your partner. Women are notorious for using negative conversation/discussion openers -- "You never", "You don't". "Why don't you . . .", etc. Stewing about things is also a relationship killer. There is something bothering the person, they don't talk to the partner for various reasons and it builds up inside of them until it comes out in ways that are less than proactive for getting resolution.

 

Figuring out why a marriage fails post-mortem is a waste of time in the end. Figuring out how to maintain it can be rewarding and an opportunity for personal growth for both parties.

[Redhead14]

Something else I want to mention is that if the decision to end a marriage is made when every possible avenue for resolution has been exhausted, it's important to move on without or with minimal acrimony and resentment so that each party is afforded the opportunity to learn from their experiences and not carry over "baggage" into future relationships. If there is one final gift you can give each other, it's peace for moving on and especially if children are involved.

[soleilesquire]

Sure there are "always things for both to work on" bit one one doesn't put the socks away and the other is sleeping with prostitutes, well......um....the socks are clearly the issue, right?

 

In this ridculously extreme hypothetical situation, then yes.

 

When one, say, starves the other of affection and intimacy for years and the other cheats, the cheating is still very very very wrong....but their transgressions aren't so far apart.

 

Basically, one might as well throw in the towel on a marriage where they are perfect and their spouse is evil. I mean why even stay?

[Phoenician]

I can tell you when they definetly do not end :

 

-they don't end when partners respect each other , and vows .

-when they are responsible .

-when they are normal , mature.

-when they accept differences .

 

 

They don't end when partners sacrifice for each other , when they do not take each other for granted.

 

to tell you the truth , this thread depresses me ...

[dreamingoftigers]

In this ridculously extreme hypothetical situation, then yes.

 

When one, say, starves the other of affection and intimacy for years and the other cheats, the cheating is still very very very wrong....but their transgressions aren't so far apart.

 

Basically, one might as well throw in the towel on a marriage where they are perfect and their spouse is evil. I mean why even stay?

 

I've been in a long-term sexless marriage, and not sexless from MY end, okay. So let's knock that off right away.

 

He was also a cheater. Yay for me.

 

His main complaint about me: housework. Even though I worked full-time and he often stayed home.

 

As for why he stepped out of the marriage itself: conflict-avoidance and a whole slew of other issues rooted in childhood crap that we've spent years digging through.

 

So it wasn't quite "socks" but it wasn't an expansive list to be certain.

 

And like you suggested, when I found out about his infidelity I went into overdrive trying to "clean up my side of the street." It didn't help one iota.

 

In fact, he viewed it as a "shaming guilt-trip manipulation."

(Seriously) so eventually I gave up. THEN he felt the "oh crap this IS my fault" kick in. Well, thank goodness.

 

My mother is also what I would describe as an "above and beyond" spouse. And worked so hard to help, support, absolutely be there for my father.

 

And he was a total craphead that cheated on her and blamed her for it. Until it looked like divorce was on the horizon. He's an alcoholic. He's the train-wreck. He always has been. (Although post-affair he did go for some hardcore MC and has learned over the last seven years to STFU a little.) Seriously, my father talks and acts like Donald Trump even the "I'm so rich" talk. Absolutely nauseating.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can tell you when they definetly do not end :

 

-they don't end when partners respect each other , and vows .

-when they are responsible .

-when they are normal , mature.

-when they accept differences .

 

 

They don't end when partners sacrifice for each other , when they do not take each other for granted.

 

to tell you the truth , this thread depresses me ...

 

Then maybe you should try respecting your vows, dealing with the conflicts in your marriage, take responsibility for your actions and feelings instead of wallowing in self-pity, become more mature and accept that you and your wife have some sexual differences instead of trying to find "creative" ways of cheating on her.

 

Just a thought......

[soleilesquire]

I've been in a long-term sexless marriage, and not sexless from MY end, okay. So let's knock that off right away.

 

He was also a cheater. Yay for me.

 

His main complaint about me: housework. Even though I worked full-time and he often stayed home.

 

As for why he stepped out of the marriage itself: conflict-avoidance and a whole slew of other issues rooted in childhood crap that we've spent years digging through.

 

So it wasn't quite "socks" but it wasn't an expansive list to be certain.

 

And like you suggested, when I found out about his infidelity I went into overdrive trying to "clean up my side of the street." It didn't help one iota.

 

In fact, he viewed it as a "shaming guilt-trip manipulation."

(Seriously) so eventually I gave up. THEN he felt the "oh crap this IS my fault" kick in. Well, thank goodness.

 

My mother is also what I would describe as an "above and beyond" spouse. And worked so hard to help, support, absolutely be there for my father.

 

And he was a total craphead that cheated on her and blamed her for it. Until it looked like divorce was on the horizon. He's an alcoholic. He's the train-wreck. He always has been. (Although post-affair he did go for some hardcore MC and has learned over the last seven years to STFU a little.) Seriously, my father talks and acts like Donald Trump even the "I'm so rich" talk. Absolutely nauseating.

 

Sounds like you were an excellent spouse who tried and tried. That is why I don't use words like "all" or "none."

 

But I think we are fooling ourselves if we think the only thing that can wreck a marriage is an affair, and that the majority of marriages have one perfect partner and one evil partner.

 

When I speak in generalities, I do not have a list of people, I am after, so personalizing my posts is probably not a good idea. I never intent to bash some specific person. I am simply sharing an individual perspective. I do not even think my individual perspective is always right.

[SolG]

While not a strict advocate of everything they espouse, I do think that Schnarch and Brene Brown have a lot to contemplate in their (I find) complementary theories on intimacy and vulnerability. I really like the following excerpt from on of Schnarch's pieces:

 

'Like most of us, neither Betty nor Donald was very mature when they married; neither had really learned the grownup ability to soothe their own emotional anxieties or find their own internal equilibrium during the inevitable conflicts and contretemps of marriage. And, like most couples after a few years of marriage, they made up for their own insecurities by demanding that the other provide constant, unconditional acceptance, empathy, reciprocity and validation to help them each sustain a desired self-image. "I'm okay if, but only if, you think I'm okay," they said, in effect, to each other, and worked doubly hard both to please and be pleased, hide and adapt, shuffle and dance, smile and agree. The more time passes, the more frightened either partner is of letting the other know who he or she really is.

 

This joint back-patting compact works for a while to keep each partner feeling secure, but eventually the game becomes too exhausting to play. Gradually, partners become less inclined to please each other, more resentful of the cost of continually selling themselves out for ersatz peace and tranquility, less willing to put out or give in. To the extent that neither partner has really grown up and is willing to confront his or her own contribution to this growing impasse, however, would prefer to fight with or avoid the other. It's less frightening to blame our mates than to face ourselves. The ensuing "symptoms"--low sexual desire, sexual boredom, control battles, heavy silences--often take on the coloring of a deathly struggle for selfhood, fought on the implicit assumption that there is only room for one whole self in the marriage. "It's going to be my way or no way, my self or no self!" partners say in effect, in bed and out--leading to a kind of classic standoff.

 

Far from being signs of a deeply "pathological" marital breakdown, however, as Donald and Betty were convinced, this stalemate is a normal and inevitable process of growth built into every marriage, as well as a golden opportunity. Like grains of sand inexorably funneling toward the "narrows" of an hourglass, marriage predictably forces couples into a vortex of emotional struggle, where each dares to hold onto himself or herself in the context of each other, in order to grow up. At the narrowest, most constricting part of the funnel--where alienation, stagnation, infidelity, separation and divorce typically occur--couples can begin not only to find their individual selves, but in the process acquire a far greater capacity for love, passion and intimacy with each other than they ever thought possible.

 

At this excruciating point in a marriage, every couple has four options: each partner can try to control the other (Donald's initial ploy, which did not succeed), accommodate even more (Betty had done so to the limits of her tolerance), withdraw physically or emotionally (Betty's job helped her to do this) or learn to soothe his or her own anxiety and not get hijacked by the anxiety of the other. In other words, they could work on growing up, using their marriage as a kind of differentiation fitness center par excellence.

 

Differentiation is a lifelong process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love. It allows us to have our cake and eat it too, to experience fully our biologically based drives for both emotional connection and individual self-direction. The more differentiated we are--the stronger our sense of self-definition and the better we can hold ourselves together during conflicts with our partners--the more intimacy we can tolerate with someone we love without fear of losing our sense of who we are as separate beings. This uniquely human balancing act is summed up in the striking paradox of our species, that we are famously willing both to die for others, and to die rather than be controlled by others.

 

To make a vital contact by feeling and experiencing each other's reality...'

[Narelle036]

I think Some of reasons marriages Fail

Selfishness on one or both parties

Lack of communication

Lack of trust

Lack of trying to work things out

Cheating by one or both

[waterwoman]

I don't expect my H to complete me, to reflect me, to worship me or to be my 'soulmate'. That helps