Malfii Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 As I mentioned in two previous posts - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/569118-ex-gf-moving-out-beginning#post6773568 and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/569074-ex-gf-who-left-3-months-ago-moving-things-out-next-week-crisis I'm going through a bit of a rough period, with my ex, who broke up with me in early Nov, finally moving her stuff out on the 20th/21st. I've deleted my Tinder account and at this point am only communicating with the girls with whom I had already begun talking. As I prepared to leave my office last night, I began to feel sad. For the four months that we did "successfully" (and I put that in quotes because we fought constantly, and explosively) she often walked home after work, despite the fact that her office was only 8 blocks from mine, and almost never arrived at the apartment before me. I had zero urge to get home quickly, because I knew I was basically going home to nothing but a house filled with things that will soon not be there. Were it not for my cat, I'd see no reason to be home. I also thought about our moving day, and how helpful my friends (and one of her friends, I guess the one friend that didnt hate me) were. She seemed in such high spirits. All of this makes me wonder how things went on for even four months (and then one additional month after she left and moved back in) and also how this even happened in the first place. I just feel very lost. My thoughts often get darker and sadder than they have ever been. I ended up having drinks with what was basically a blind date with a friend's fiance's friend. She was nice, if a little boring, but was very pretty and willing to play darts and just hang out. It was nice, but reminded me of some of the nicer, softer moments, even at the end of my previous relationship. I'm glad I'm now taken Clonazepam, because it's curbed my desire to reach out to her. Any advice is appreciated.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 You need to pour out your feelings somewhere. Not write about how you are sad, everybody knows that, but write about WHY you're sad, write about all those times together, in great detail. Write about the good stuff and the bad stuff and what you really think about it vs. what you really feel about it, and try to figure out your emotions. You're dancing around on the surface of sadness wondering why it feels so bad and what to do about it. Stop being afraid. Dive in and understand it. Feel it. Express it. Figure it out. Nobody can do this for you and nobody has a magic bullet. You have to walk through the fire in order to come out at the other end cleansed. Oh, and for ****'s sake, move her stuff into a mini-storage and get it out of your life now. It will be sad and painful the moment you walk into an apartment that's suddenly barren. It will be gradual and empowering if you're the one who empties it. Let her experience the shock instead of you. I'm telling you, it will be cathartic to feel like you have a little control over this. Otherwise, on the night of Feb 21, you're going to feel like total ****. You probably will anyway, but that way will be worse.
Author Malfii Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 You need to pour out your feelings somewhere. Not write about how you are sad, everybody knows that, but write about WHY you're sad, write about all those times together, in great detail. Write about the good stuff and the bad stuff and what you really think about it vs. what you really feel about it, and try to figure out your emotions. You're dancing around on the surface of sadness wondering why it feels so bad and what to do about it. Stop being afraid. Dive in and understand it. Feel it. Express it. Figure it out. Nobody can do this for you and nobody has a magic bullet. You have to walk through the fire in order to come out at the other end cleansed. Oh, and for ****'s sake, move her stuff into a mini-storage and get it out of your life now. It will be sad and painful the moment you walk into an apartment that's suddenly barren. It will be gradual and empowering if you're the one who empties it. Let her experience the shock instead of you. I'm telling you, it will be cathartic to feel like you have a little control over this. Otherwise, on the night of Feb 21, you're going to feel like total ****. You probably will anyway, but that way will be worse. I've been trying, very hard, to let my thoughts think through the highs and lows. Remembers specific moments, allowing certain triggers (where we'd walk, places we'd eat, plans we had) to make me sad without sinking me. But I've been doing that for months, and it's tough. She would have an absolute meltdown at me if I moved her things. I told her I planned on having a friend there just to represent me through her pack, and she was basically ready to murder me. But last night I decided I'll pack a lot of her things (bathroom items, clothing that's out, etc.) into boxes BEFORE she gets there, so I can be the one removing her. I'm also going to order furniture now.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Two things: I've been trying, very hard, to let my thoughts think through the highs and lows. Remembers specific moments, allowing certain triggers (where we'd walk, places we'd eat, plans we had) to make me sad without sinking me. But I've been doing that for months, and it's tough.Don't think. Write it down. I don't know what it is, but doing that helps a lot more. I think you go over old ground less, and gain new insights more.She would have an absolute meltdown at me if I moved her things. I told her I planned on having a friend there just to represent me through her pack, and she was basically ready to murder me.She may have a meltdown, but it won't be at you, because you won't allow that to happen. You can FedEx the key to the mini-storage with a short note that explains where she can pick up her stuff and that she's not welcome at your home, and you can block her texts, emails, calls, etc. If you think this is necessary, you can also pre-arrange with an attorney to tell her that you will seek a restraining order if she doesn't go away right now. If she shows up, you call him, and hand her the phone. This will change the dynamic between the two of you, and I imagine it will be quite satisfying. But last night I decided I'll pack a lot of her things (bathroom items, clothing that's out, etc.) into boxes BEFORE she gets there, so I can be the one removing her. I'm also going to order furniture now.There you go. I know it felt sad, but I'm telling you, doing that stuff helps.
Author Malfii Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 Mighty CPA - I would absolutely do ALL of that if it weren't for the fact that she's paying rent through the lease (her name is on the lease). I need for her to continue doing so. So I'm kind of stuck. I have to play somewhat nice. But I do need a dynamic shift.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I understand your trepidation. That said, it IS February, and that's what she says now... I hope you have a plan B, in case she decides that pouring what is undoubtedly thousands of dollars into an old relationship doesn't make a lot of sense. It's a possibility. If you can find a way to survive without her money, I'd do it.
Author Malfii Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 I wish I had one. Unfortunately I don't, at the moment. She's living with an old friend (they're sharing a bed. It sounds absurd for a 27 year old woman, but she has a couple of very close female friends whom I believe she loves more than just about anyone/thing, and is really only capable of loving these people like that). She is currently living rent free with that girl and her mother. The whole situation is just still so unfathomable to me. I feel, in a lot of ways, that my life, for the time being, is ruined.
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