Author dbruster0902 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Share Posted March 6, 2016 I'm just at a loss as to how I even begin moving on. It hurts so much. Being put on the list as "ex" really sucks. We are best friends. So I feel so alone. She'd be the one I'd run to if this was involving someone else! I try to talk calmly about it with her, but some days it's just so hard that I break down and she sees it. I get jealous, controlling. It's been so back and fourth for so long. Now I worry that this guy will be the final nail in our messed up coffin. She said I don't have to worry. She's not going to do anything. It still sucks knowing she's even contemplated it. :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 Your own jealously, desire to control, and emotional readiness are tools you can be manipulated with. You currently see yourself as the pursuer, and this leaves you constantly wanting, and chasing. If you can learn to see how she is actually targeting you (aggressively pushing your buttons to string you along and keep you on stand-by) then you'll find it easier to detach and establish healthier boundaries. Be aware, that the more you work to enforce these boundaries the harder she will work to break through them. You have to be clear about what is truly going on. Understand that when she comes running - this is part of the game. Hot-cold, push-pull; the more off balance you are the easier you are to control. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I'm just at a loss as to how I even begin moving on. It hurts so much. Being put on the list as "ex" really sucks. We are best friends. So I feel so alone. She'd be the one I'd run to if this was involving someone else! I try to talk calmly about it with her, but some days it's just so hard that I break down and she sees it. I get jealous, controlling. It's been so back and fourth for so long. Now I worry that this guy will be the final nail in our messed up coffin. She said I don't have to worry. She's not going to do anything. It still sucks knowing she's even contemplated it. :/ It sounds like it is a power trip for her and unfortunately you are playing right into her hands. She likes all the attention and worry that you have about her maybe being with this other guy. Unfortunately I think she will continue to string you along for her ego boost whenever she needs it. I get that you were 'best' friends. Note that I used the past tense to describe this. It is never going to go back to how it was before. Once friendships cross the the line and especially when sex is involved, it completely changes the dynamic. I wanted to be friends with my xAP as well but too much had happened between us and too much hurt to allow that to happen again. I'm sorry you are hurting. You have done the right thing coming here and trying to gain some perspective. She is toxic and not helping you. I bet if you suddenly appeared indifferent, confident and like you couldn't give a sh*t she would come running out of the woodwork trying to get you to change your mind. She likes your dependency on her. Stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 PS: Triangles are a great way to throw people off balance and manipulate. It's not a big surprise to hear renewed talk of ex-boyfriends now that her husband no longer presents much competition for you. Also, consider whether "best friends" is truly mutual, or perhaps just the view from your side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I know you probably don't want to hear this but if you don't detach and distance yourself from her, things will fall apart even more and you'll get hurt as well as having to deal with your husband and that fall out. Are you prepared to come clean to him about the A? He must know 'something' is off but probably doesn't suspect it's about her.. You two can't go back to being 'just friends' you love her and want her, she chooses when she wants you on her terms and time frame. Real friends don't play games, she knows you are hurting yet throws an exboyfriend in your face? That's mean. She may not be the "rock" you think she is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 She's not that into you romantically and she knows telling you about her ex would be upsetting for you. ... but guess what? She doesn't give a damn. She has the power and she knows it..... She'll toy with you as long as you let her. Take the control back and listen to the therapist your paying. It's clear neither of you truly love your husbands. .... what a shame for them both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Montgomery Burns Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) I've posted on here before. I have the big old mess post. Basically, my same Alex best friend and I fell for one another a while ago (2 years ago now) and kind of messed around off and on during that time. Only to end things when she got mad at me for lying. It was a stupid lie, but a lie nonetheless. I miss the relationship terribly. We are still best friends and I'm so thankful for that. However, not having the other is so hard. We have our back and fourth moments. Even talking last night you could tell things were getting flirty. Even after we "broke up" we messed around off and on. Anyway, our relationship is a strange one. She is definitely the strong one. The one in control. Although she feels like I try to take control. I'm sure I do try. Anyways, I've really been struggling lately. I should mention we are both married to men (which makes this so much harder and so much more messed up). Things haven't really changed between us. She's had a rough couple of months (lost a baby). So her hormones are all over the place. She has a guy friend in town (they have been best friends since childhood and dated for a while but she broke it off years ago). Well, he is back saying he wants even just a sliver of her heart. This isn't the first time he's asked. But, the last time he did, I was fully in the picture and she wasn't interested in him at all. Now, her head is all over the place and she's been contemplating having a talk with him about seeing if they should mess around to see if it would help the feelings die down. I of course am freaking out lol. It's a recipe for disaster. She's dealing with a loss and not thinking like she normally would. He just got out of a relationship. I'm a mess because we've been so back and fourth but that's been on our own terms, not ever because of someone else. They had an episode last summer where they made out. And they keep talking well what if it happened, and now curious about that what if. She has told me that they aren't going to talk about it right now. Maybe in 6 months when stuff has settled. He's hanging out with her tonight and of course I'm a wreck. How do I relax and clear my mind!? I'm not making any comments or freaking out to her. If she gets too much crap or questioned to much, she'll get pissed and do something just to prove a point. That's why the episode in the summer happened. And I'm not going to go down that road again lol. But I still can't get them being together out of my head. Please help :/ Yikes! I do not envy you. A miscarriage is hard, real hard. But you made it clear shr has all the power. You feel that way onky because you show how much you care and she doesnt. It is probably a good idea to date others, and you wuill be amazed how much better you will feel. Along with just learning about new people, it will be clear that she isnt the one. If she is, she will fight for you. Edited March 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added quote after merge ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
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