When a man feels like a failure

[chowfun]

Looking for some insight into the male psychology. Basically, my bf is feeling like a failure because he believes he currently cannot provide for me. You can read the back story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/568774-money-becoming-issue-2.html

 

As a result, he has been very distant and avoidant. I have tried talking to him to no avail. I don't know how else I can make him see that I understand his situation - and know he can rise from it - that I don't think any less of him, and that he doesn't have to feel like a failure because he isn't!

 

He knows that I don't need expensive things and that I am a very low maintenance person/gf, but he says there are things he wants to do for me and places he wants to take me to, particularly because it was my birthday (see back story), but his inability to provide has brought him so down.

 

I feel like I am losing him. I don't know what else to do other than give him space and be supportive and keep it light when he comes around. I haven't seen him in almost a week, though we've texted here and there.

 

I worry he might be feeling even worse with Valentine's Day around the corner. I want him to know that IT IS OKAY to not do anything or buy gifts, etc. I don't want or need that. What I want is him to be happy again

 

What exactly does a man go through when he is feeling this way??

[carhill]

IMO, you've said your piece and shown support so leave him to sort himself out. These things happen in life. Sometimes relationships survive them. Sometimes not. It depends on the people.

 

What a man goes through depends on the man. Some men cave. Others get mad. Others get sad. Others reach out. We're all different. He sounds more like a withdraw/cave type guy. If so, he can get annoyed with someone constantly engaging him, even if with good intentions. His pain is something he doesn't want to share, at least not at this point.

 

If things change and he gets in touch, IMO take the call. That doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold or not move on, but rather acknowledge whatever contact he makes and deal with it then. If you want to 'check in' to see how he's doing, do that. Accept the results.

[Jabron1]

Yeah, it depends on the man.

 

In my case, I despise people seeing me in a weak state. That's especially true of a woman that I like. I'll start acting flaky, which gets misconstrued as an imminent breakup or whatever.

 

At least you know the root cause, because most men would bottle it up. In this situation, I would appreciate a woman telling me that she understands I'm going through some stuff, that she is giving me some space, and to call her when I'm ready. That would give me time to get my sh*t together and take some pressure off.

 

Stuff like that earns my loyalty. If he's a decent man, he won't forget that you stood by him.

[chowfun]

IMO, you've said your piece and shown support so leave him to sort himself out. These things happen in life. Sometimes relationships survive them. Sometimes not. It depends on the people.

 

What a man goes through depends on the man. Some men cave. Others get mad. Others get sad. Others reach out. We're all different. He sounds more like a withdraw/cave type guy. If so, he can get annoyed with someone constantly engaging him, even if with good intentions. His pain is something he doesn't want to share, at least not at this point.

 

If things change and he gets in touch, IMO take the call. That doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold or not move on, but rather acknowledge whatever contact he makes and deal with it then. If you want to 'check in' to see how he's doing, do that. Accept the results.

 

Thanks, I appreciate this. He is definitely the caving type and he is very sad right now, and knowing he is sad makes me sad. I think I made the mistake of showing him that I am sad too, which probably made the situation worse.

[carhill]

IMO, respect your style of interaction which is authentic for you. For a relationship to be healthy, each party's style should be embraced and respected. It's not a one-way street. Just because he's dealing with some tough times doesn't earn him a vacation from his role and responsibilities in the relationship in the area of respect. He can still cave and find some middle ground in keeping you in the loop and respecting your style. If/when communicating, offer content you feel is authentic for you. If things work out, they do. If they don't they don't.

 

Based on the content of the linked thread, you've been together, in total, over a year and a half. This isn't a casual dating situation where you're feeling each other out. It's a committed and presumably exclusive intimate relationship and each party bears their own responsibility in that regard.

 

If caving is who he is in times of stress/fear/challenge/doubt, etc, can you accept that? IMO, good question to consider. The only person you can control is you.

[chowfun]

Yeah, it depends on the man.

 

In my case, I despise people seeing me in a weak state. That's especially true of a woman that I like. I'll start acting flaky, which gets misconstrued as an imminent breakup or whatever.

 

At least you know the root cause, because most men would bottle it up. In this situation, I would appreciate a woman telling me that she understands I'm going through some stuff, that she is giving me some space, and to call her when I'm ready. That would give me time to get my sh*t together and take some pressure off.

 

Stuff like that earns my loyalty. If he's a decent man, he won't forget that you stood by him.

 

This is invaluable information, thank you! You are absolutely right, I at least know why he is caving and he has at least talked to me about it instead of completely shutting me out. He is also not taking it out his frustrations on me or anyone else, and that counts for a lot when there are men who get angry or act in ways that aren't constructive to the relationship/situation.

 

Your first paragraph is accurate also. I have been with someone who acted flaky and mean and it led to a breakup because I had no idea what was going on or if I had done something wrong, if there was someone else, etc. and I just felt so disrespected and all those bad feelings.

[chowfun]

IMO, respect your style of interaction which is authentic for you. For a relationship to be healthy, each party's style should be embraced and respected. It's not a one-way street. Just because he's dealing with some tough times doesn't earn him a vacation from his role and responsibilities in the relationship in the area of respect. He can still cave and find some middle ground in keeping you in the loop and respecting your style. If/when communicating, offer content you feel is authentic for you. If things work out, they do. If they don't they don't.

 

Based on the content of the linked thread, you've been together, in total, over a year and a half. This isn't a casual dating situation where you're feeling each other out. It's a committed and presumably exclusive intimate relationship and each party bears their own responsibility in that regard.

 

If caving is who he is in times of stress/fear/challenge/doubt, etc, can you accept that? IMO, good question to consider. The only person you can control is you.

 

That's great advice, thanks. He will be able to see when I'm not being authentic to myself, which doesn't help anything, and more importantly I would be doing myself a disservice.

 

You know, I was asking myself the same question. This has been a learning experience for me. I discovered that yes, I can deal with the caving... IF communication is open and I know what is going, and the caving doesn't extend to an unreasonable amount of time. I can probably deal with 2-3 days MAX of not knowing what's up without feeling like

 

I also realized that I am the same way. When I am stressed, sad, have moments of doubt within myself (or a relationship), I tend to cave also and want to figure things out on my own and want to be left alone. I, too, have to learn to communicate what's going on and not keep my partner in the dark.

[preraph]

For VD, why not you say, Why don't we just have a nice dinner at home?" He'll be relieved. Or if he actually enjoys grilling, say "I was hoping you'd grill hamburgers or hotdogs (cheap) for us for VD." He'd feel he was doing something for you that way.

 

What you can't do with guys feeling down about themselves is start paying for stuff for them or trying to find work for them. The only way they will feel better is if they accomplish it themselves, plus you don't want to go down that road and end up being his mother instead of his lover.

[scooby-philly]

Looking for some insight into the male psychology. Basically, my bf is feeling like a failure because he believes he currently cannot provide for me. You can read the back story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/568774-money-becoming-issue-2.html Each man brings a different "vision" or "concept" of what it means to be a man and be a SO in a relationship. I've learned that while I like doing things for and helping people - it can't be a one-way street. I've found that I need to be upfront early on in the screening process to avoid woman who expect a man to give and give nothing back in return.

 

As a result, he has been very distant and avoidant. I have tried talking to him to no avail. I don't know how else I can make him see that I understand his situation - and know he can rise from it - that I don't think any less of him, and that he doesn't have to feel like a failure because he isn't! Many people suggested - most males - even if they can't admit it or perhaps even recognize it consciously - appreciate a woman who says this. It's not good to dwell in the cave. I've been there. I've been in a bit of a funk on/off for the past 7-8 months. I know I need to reach out again to gain clarity and perspective and to help re-engage. I wouldn't just let him brood. I'd find a way to get him active - even if it means a walk, coffee, or a movie/tv show marathon with just the two of you.

 

He knows that I don't need expensive things and that I am a very low maintenance person/gf, but he says there are things he wants to do for me and places he wants to take me to, particularly because it was my birthday (see back story), but his inability to provide has brought him so down. It's a question of perspective. Things come and go. If we hold onto to dreams that interrupt our happiness that isn't good. He can still want those things but he has to accept that they may have to wait and that if you stand by him now then it's all the more reason to stay together and love you. If he engages you in conversation say that. If you've gotten to the point where you're talking long-term stuff once in a while, tell him you want those dreams to come true but you're willing to wait b/c you want to share themm with him. I've had two bad relationships that cost me money for two different reasons. Combine that with my six years as a missionary and I find myself single at 34 living with my parents. I could rent, but I don't know what the future will hold. I hope to save enough by summer of 2017 to buy my own place and I dread telling a woman on a date that I live with my folks. But I know - though I don't always feel - that a woman who would judge me for where I am in life isn't worth my time and wasn't meant to be.

 

I feel like I am losing him. I don't know what else to do other than give him space and be supportive and keep it light when he comes around. I haven't seen him in almost a week, though we've texted here and there. I wouldn't just avoid him or tiptoe. Many a man needs to know how to handle direct, gentle confrantation. It's not an attack on his person - you want him to see in himself what you do.

 

I worry he might be feeling even worse with Valentine's Day around the corner. I want him to know that IT IS OKAY to not do anything or buy gifts, etc. I don't want or need that. What I want is him to be happy again

 

What exactly does a man go through when he is feeling this way??

 

To your last question - it all depends on the individual guy. Again, we all have a notion of what "life" is supposed to be like and if our reality differs then many people can break down, quit, or find themselves repeating a pattern they can't break out of no matter what - it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy so to speak. As a few people suggested - your question now is - what can you do to take the pressure off, how long do you wait, and what do you do if it doesn't get better by the goal you've set.

[loveweary11]

There is a key to this mental problem...

 

 

It's vital for him to realize that who he is is not what he does or how much $$$ he makes.

 

Help him to realize this.

 

When I lost my first startup, I was miserable for almost a year. The ex was an executive assistant at the time and supported us. We lost everything.

 

Make sure he knows he is not what he does... that's the key to getting past this.