chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I think I hurt my boyfriend and possibly made him feel less of a man. He is avoiding me. I don't know what is going on in his mind or what to do about the situation. It was my birthday on Wednesday. He became distant for about a week leading up to it and, short of quick happy birthday call, he pretty much didn't talk to me all day or plan anything. I wasn't expecting a birthday extravaganza, but I thought we'd at least have dinner together. I was very upset and confronted him about it. It came out that he couldn't face me because he didn't have the money to get me a gift or make any plans and it wasn't a good feeling for him. I said, you know none of that stuff matters to me, what matters is that you're there. His response: I want to be able to do those things for you and it saddens me that I wasn't able to because it's what you deserve. I said I was hurt and the whole situation made me unhappy. What I meant is that I didn't like that he ignored me instead of communicating what was in his head, but I think he took it as it still comes down to money and if he had the money we wouldn't be in this situation. The thing is he and I come from two different worlds. He grew up very poor. I grew up very comfortable and, as the baby of the family, my parents and siblings treated and still treat me like a princess. I knew he was a bit insecure about it, but money was never a glaring issue in our relationship and now I think it has become one. I can't imagine how this must feel for a man. I don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me or that I love him any less. What do I do? I don't want him to feel like I'm being ungrateful that he wants to do more for me and that I'm focusing on my own hurt instead of trying to be more understanding of him. Should I just wait for him to come around? If it matters, he is struggling financially because his business has been losing money. He is also sending his sister to college. So it's not like he's just bumming around or spending like crazy or anything like that. 2
Author chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 Was I being insensitive telling him I was unhappy, knowing he was sad and struggling with the money issue? Or do you guys think my reaction my reaction was warranted? This is such mess. I don't know what to do. Feel really bad that he feels bad. 1
smudge21 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Tough call that one IMO. It's often the case, not just in relationships, but anywhere where there's two people and one has money and the other doesn't. It can feel awkward and cause problems on both sides, but as long as the two people are close enough, the should be able to talk... and listen. Yeah, he should've done something for your birthday, but maybe he just couldn't do what he thought you deserved, so didn't know what to do. You know, I can only afford a Happy Meal and that will be seen as really bad so I don't know what to do... I'm guessing here obviously. Also, you are aware of his situation so maybe you could've spoken to him before your birthday. Lots of people say "oh you don't need to get me anything" when they actually mean I hope he/she does get me something, so that's not easy either. I reckon you just need to talk to each other as this is a fairly minor thing that shouldn't be left to build into something worse. If you both love each other, then you've already both got the best gift anyone can ever have. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 It sounds like your BF measures himself using money as one yardstick. In his mind he is a failure & he ruined your birthday. Money is a hard topic to discuss but maybe it's time. You explained it doesn't matter to him but perhaps talk about budgets or how to save or ways he can earn more money. Where there is a will there is a way. Before we married DH thought I was fairly extravagant. Then he learned my secret: coupons & discounts. I shop sales & bargain places. For example we were going to a formal gala over the holidays. I wanted a new dress & came home with a gown but I got it on sale & with a coupon for $36; it looked like I paid at least 10x that. 3
Httm Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I'd be wary of someone that used your birthday to make it all about him and his insecurities. Is this the kind of person that you want to be with? 5
Erdbeere Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I think I hurt my boyfriend and possibly made him feel less of a man. He is avoiding me. I don't know what is going on in his mind or what to do about the situation. It was my birthday on Wednesday. He became distant for about a week leading up to it and, short of quick happy birthday call, he pretty much didn't talk to me all day or plan anything. I wasn't expecting a birthday extravaganza, but I thought we'd at least have dinner together. I was very upset and confronted him about it. It came out that he couldn't face me because he didn't have the money to get me a gift or make any plans and it wasn't a good feeling for him. I said, you know none of that stuff matters to me, what matters is that you're there. His response: I want to be able to do those things for you and it saddens me that I wasn't able to because it's what you deserve. I said I was hurt and the whole situation made me unhappy. What I meant is that I didn't like that he ignored me instead of communicating what was in his head, but I think he took it as it still comes down to money and if he had the money we wouldn't be in this situation. The thing is he and I come from two different worlds. He grew up very poor. I grew up very comfortable and, as the baby of the family, my parents and siblings treated and still treat me like a princess. I knew he was a bit insecure about it, but money was never a glaring issue in our relationship and now I think it has become one. I can't imagine how this must feel for a man. I don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me or that I love him any less. What do I do? I don't want him to feel like I'm being ungrateful that he wants to do more for me and that I'm focusing on my own hurt instead of trying to be more understanding of him. Should I just wait for him to come around? If it matters, he is struggling financially because his business has been losing money. He is also sending his sister to college. So it's not like he's just bumming around or spending like crazy or anything like that. I think the problem may be the princess mentality, both that you seek it, and that your family have encouraged it in you. The word princess is often used to abdicate selfish, unkind, spoilt people of responsibility to be sensitive and thoughtful to others. You've created an impossible reality that he can never live up to. You're not a princess. You're a flawed human being, much the same as anyone else. Would you be open to trying 90 days of living without indulgence, and only planning dates that are imaginative and creative, but free? I think it would help both him, and you, to cut-out the indulgent behaviour, and focus on building something genuine based on decent values, not an unobtainable fairytale. 1
Httm Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I think the problem may be the princess mentality, both that you seek it, and that your family have encouraged it in you. The word princess is often used to abdicate selfish, unkind, spoilt people of responsibility to be sensitive and thoughtful to others. You've created an impossible reality that he can never live up to. You're not a princess. You're a flawed human being, much the same as anyone else. Would you be open to trying 90 days of living without indulgence, and only planning dates that are imaginative and creative, but free? I think it would help both him, and you, to cut-out the indulgent behaviour, and focus on building something genuine based on decent values, not an unobtainable fairytale. All I see here is projection and/or assumption. None of that is fact. What IS a fact is that he used HER birthday as a way to make it all about HIM and his insecurities. That kind of person is not relationship material in my book. 6
introverted1 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I'd be wary of someone that used your birthday to make it all about him and his insecurities. Is this the kind of person that you want to be with? This. There are many inexpensive things he could have done to make your day special -- a home cooked meal, drawn bath and candles, romantic night - whatever. Why didn't he opt for something that both recognized your BD and his financial limits? Is avoidance how he deals with things in general? Not a good sign, imo. 5
bu2002 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 He should've been proactive in addressing the birthday issue, and realized if he didn't have have funds, work with you on a solution. There's plenty of inexpensive options. Instead he failed to communicate, and wanted to avoid the situation. 3
Redhead14 Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I think I hurt my boyfriend and possibly made him feel less of a man. He is avoiding me. I don't know what is going on in his mind or what to do about the situation. It was my birthday on Wednesday. He became distant for about a week leading up to it and, short of quick happy birthday call, he pretty much didn't talk to me all day or plan anything. I wasn't expecting a birthday extravaganza, but I thought we'd at least have dinner together. I was very upset and confronted him about it. It came out that he couldn't face me because he didn't have the money to get me a gift or make any plans and it wasn't a good feeling for him. I said, you know none of that stuff matters to me, what matters is that you're there. His response: I want to be able to do those things for you and it saddens me that I wasn't able to because it's what you deserve. I said I was hurt and the whole situation made me unhappy. What I meant is that I didn't like that he ignored me instead of communicating what was in his head, but I think he took it as it still comes down to money and if he had the money we wouldn't be in this situation. The thing is he and I come from two different worlds. He grew up very poor. I grew up very comfortable and, as the baby of the family, my parents and siblings treated and still treat me like a princess. I knew he was a bit insecure about it, but money was never a glaring issue in our relationship and now I think it has become one. I can't imagine how this must feel for a man. I don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me or that I love him any less. What do I do? I don't want him to feel like I'm being ungrateful that he wants to do more for me and that I'm focusing on my own hurt instead of trying to be more understanding of him. Should I just wait for him to come around? If it matters, he is struggling financially because his business has been losing money. He is also sending his sister to college. So it's not like he's just bumming around or spending like crazy or anything like that. How long have you been seeing each other? If you've been together for some time, have you observed his behavior/reaction in dealing with other situations that are "difficult" for him. In other words, does he have a history of avoiding uncomfortable/stressful situations? A person who behaves this way about something like this, does that in other situations as well. He avoided you for a week prior to your birthday rather than dealing with it upfront and is now avoiding you after the situation was addressed. That's immature at best and possibly a sign of a bigger problem. 1
Erdbeere Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 This. There are many inexpensive things he could have done to make your day special -- a home cooked meal, drawn bath and candles, romantic night - whatever. Why didn't he opt for something that both recognized your BD and his financial limits? Is avoidance how he deals with things in general? Not a good sign, imo. I don't think anyone would disagree, that there are many cheap but meaningful things one can do to celebrate someone's birthday in a meaningful way. However, I don't see that as the crux of the issue, but we need more responses from the poster to understand the situation better. When one's partner has a lofty view of their worth, how deserving they are of being lavished with expensive props etc, one may face an uphill battle to ever please them. If all one sees and hears are stories of one's partner being spoilt on special occasions, one may face an uphill battle to ever please them. We need the poster to explain why she has a princess complex, and why her family and friends indulge it, in order to really make sense of how it manifests itself. A princess isn't a caricature of someone who helps the disadvantaged, and is humble and loving to others. It's a caricature of someone who has put themself on a pedestal above everyone else, and is spoilt. 1
Httm Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I don't think anyone would disagree, that there are many cheap but meaningful things one can do to celebrate someone's birthday in a meaningful way. However, I don't see that as the crux of the issue, but we need more responses from the poster to understand the situation better. When one's partner has a lofty view of their worth, how deserving they are of being lavished with expensive props etc, one may face an uphill battle to ever please them. If all one sees and hears are stories of one's partner being spoilt on special occasions, one may face an uphill battle to ever please them. We need the poster to explain why she has a princess complex, and why her family and friends indulge it, in order to really make sense of how it manifests itself. A princess isn't a caricature of someone who helps the disadvantaged, and is humble and loving to others. It's a caricature of someone who has put themself on a pedestal above everyone else, and is spoilt. Pure projection. Nothing based on reality. You took a throwaway sentence and concocted an elaborate fantasy scenario around it. 3
Author chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 It sounds like your BF measures himself using money as one yardstick. In his mind he is a failure & he ruined your birthday. Before we married DH thought I was fairly extravagant. Then he learned my secret: coupons & discounts. I shop sales & bargain places. For example we were going to a formal gala over the holidays. I wanted a new dress & came home with a gown but I got it on sale & with a coupon for $36; it looked like I paid at least 10x that. Yes I'm afraid this is how he feels I know it's his insecurities, but I contributed to it too by reacting negatively. I never intend to make him feel that way at all and don't know how to fix it. You and I are the same. I own a lot of designer items but I can't remember the last time I paid full price for anything. I also coupon for household items, makeup and get whatever Yelp or fb discounts I can at restaurants. My family may be well off, but I earn just a tiny fraction and don't rely on them to help me out. Bf knows that. 1
Robratory Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 Was I being insensitive telling him I was unhappy, knowing he was sad and struggling with the money issue? Or do you guys think my reaction my reaction was warranted? This is such mess. I don't know what to do. Feel really bad that he feels bad. No, you were not insensitive. He was at fault. He should have communicated better. And if anything, the fact that he didn't have money for a nice present should have motivated him to do more on a personal level. Instead, he wasn't even there on your birthday. It sounds like has this macho ego thing going. That's not good. 1
LydiaLong Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 I agree that this isn't a good sign. He didn't need to spend a lot of money on your birthday. He could afford a card and a visit. 1
Author chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 How long have you been seeing each other? If you've been together for some time, have you observed his behavior/reaction in dealing with other situations that are "difficult" for him. In other words, does he have a history of avoiding uncomfortable/stressful situations? A person who behaves this way about something like this, does that in other situations as well. He avoided you for a week prior to your birthday rather than dealing with it upfront and is now avoiding you after the situation was addressed. That's immature at best and possibly a sign of a bigger problem. We have been together for ~10 months, dated for a year before that. He doesn't typicallu have an avoidant personality, only when he feels like he failed somehow. He usually opens up after giving him space for a day, but now it's been a few days 1
Erdbeere Posted February 7, 2016 Posted February 7, 2016 We have been together for ~10 months, dated for a year before that. He doesn't typicallu have an avoidant personality, only when he feels like he failed somehow. He usually opens up after giving him space for a day, but now it's been a few days Do you realise the problems that the princess mentality? 1
Author chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 Yeah, he should've done something for your birthday, but maybe he just couldn't do what he thought you deserved, so didn't know what to do. You know, I can only afford a Happy Meal and that will be seen as really bad so I don't know what to do... I'm guessing here obviously.. Your guess is accurate as is your happy meal metaphor. He and I know there are plenty of inexpensive things he could have done, like everyone says. It's that he feels none of that is good enough for me and because he couldn't provide he feels inadequate and like he let me down. As a result, he just avoided it altogether. Terrible approach and he knows he's in the wrong. 1
Author chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 No, you were not insensitive. He was at fault. He should have communicated better. And if anything, the fact that he didn't have money for a nice present should have motivated him to do more on a personal level. Instead, he wasn't even there on your birthday. It sounds like has this macho ego thing going. That's not good. Thank you, yes it's his ego. Can you give me a man's perspective on how I should handle this and how to talk to him? He is otherwise an amazing man and treats me very well as a gf and partner. This whole thing came out of left field.
Author chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 Why is it that he has no money? His business has been losing money and he is sending his sister to college. 1
Author chowfun Posted February 7, 2016 Author Posted February 7, 2016 If you both love each other, then you've already both got the best gift anyone can ever have. Thank you, this warmed my heart.
xcupid Posted February 8, 2016 Posted February 8, 2016 He avoided you for a week prior to your birthday rather than dealing with it upfront and is now avoiding you after the situation was addressed. That's immature at best and possibly a sign of a bigger problem. Admittedly he didn't address the situation very maturely. But let's not throw the guy under the bus. As OP said in a future post he's good to her - that counts a lot. Sounds to me like he's a typical guy who cares about how he can provide for the woman in his life and show his love for her - even if they are only BF and GF right now. 1
Author chowfun Posted February 9, 2016 Author Posted February 9, 2016 Admittedly he didn't address the situation very maturely. But let's not throw the guy under the bus. As OP said in a future post he's good to her - that counts a lot. Sounds to me like he's a typical guy who cares about how he can provide for the woman in his life and show his love for her - even if they are only BF and GF right now. Thank you. Yes, how he handled it made things a lot worse than it had to be. I still don't understand why he did that, and he tells me he doesn't know either. He said he felt ashamed and couldn't face me. So he blew me off and let me down instead. Makes zero sense, but I am trying to wrap my head around it. Here's a follow-up post if you guys can please chime in...? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569100-when-man-feels-like-failure#post6773112
lino Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 This is what happens when you have a society constantly beating into peoples heads that men are worth nothing more than their pay check and job/status. Enjoy what you've created girls.
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