Sex chat and he says I framed him

[dreamingoftigers]

So, we got into a huge argument last night that turned extremely ugly. I was drinking wine and the more he denied this the angrier I got. He said that I like to find problems etc... and that I am acting strange with my paycheck not being deposited and that I am playing games...calling me the "master manipulator". I got sad -- started sobbing and then he told me that was more manipulation....so that I started getting angry.

 

I eventually told him to etiher admit this was true or I was done. He told me he couldn't because it's simply not true. Then, I headed for the door. He wouldn't let me past him. I pushed him back and he kept stopping me ... he eventually admitted he did it. Of course he did!

 

 

 

But then tells me that he didn't actually masturbate...he was just curious. Whatever. THEN he tells me that he did it because all of my drama is getting to him. Of course he blames me for everything.

 

He apologized and is trying to pretend that everything is perfect now. Instead, I woke up this morning feeling deeply sad and in tears. Another night of fighting. I threw my shoes at the wall...I was out of control! I am wondering what's wrong with me?

 

My previous marriage failed but I never got angry like I do now. We rarely fought. I just ignored his drama and everything was peaceful. I didn't throw things or need to leave the house...

 

My husband told me this morning that most couples fight like we did last night... is that really true?

 

NO.

But couples in an abuse cycle do.

You're in one. Trust me, you can do nothing right until you reassert your power to leave and then he will kiss hour arse because "you're his everything"

 

In this case, ongoing, you will start to see your spouse is more of a pattern than a person. A person absolutely targeting every weak spot you have.

 

Your emotions will train-wreck due to frustration, trying to communicate and constantly getting shut down UNLESS you are in a lull from the arguments or dancing EXACTLY to his tune, which is ever-changing. Your life's mission will end up being seeking this idiot's approval, followed by trying to reassert yourself, followed by being devalued, discarded, blamed and shamed, then back to trying to communicate and be valued by him (also known as 'walking on eggshells.')

 

I might look 'angry' to you from this vantage point. Or you might be in disbelief that such a great guy could be so ......not great.

 

But honestly, its SO CLASSIC what he's doing that I think there's probably a box set of 1950s greatest hits about "How to hit your wife without actually hitting her."

 

It is such a clear-cut pattern and such an early point in the marriage to start it, he must REALLY figure you aren't going to leave, like he has you over a barrel.

 

It doesn't sound like you agree. It sounds like you KNOW he's full of it, you aren't going to knuckle-under long-term and you KNOW that this isn't what you signed up for. Which, frankly, good for you.

 

Hopefully you take the information you have, don't let the anger and sadness mess with you brain too much and get yourself some space outside that prison home immediately. Do not stay in this 'Abuse Soup.' He will absolutely pull strings to blow up, self-pity and then try to charm you back.

 

Three things to watch for:

 

CHARM (flowers, empty apologies that sound forced or don't acknowledge the real issues, a push to move past this and a lot of sparkly, sappy 'oh I'm so grateful for special you' talk. Anything that really tries to appeal to the more narcissistic side of you nature, which we all have. We all want to be special to the one we love. Anything kind if non-specific designed to weaken your resolve.)

 

SELF-PITY (on his part, "oh poor me, its all your fault only you can make this better and you won't, you must hate me, I'm a bad person, why can't you love me, it was just a little fight and you are making me sound like a monster." He's already trying to minimize saying 'all couples fight that way.' Mine used to say 'all men cheat.' So I would tell him to go and live with 'all men' then because I wasn't interested in living with a cheater.)

 

RAGE (when the other two fail, could be passive-aggressive or aggressive).

[Winterina]

Dearest, you are in for mental and emotional distress of the kind you didn't know exited before (I can see this from things you wrote). People who use gaslighting are weak, usually very manipulative and they essentially do not really care about you. He sees what it does to you, yet, he does not talk to you but lets you get insane, hurt, throw things from frustration and question your own sanity. Instead to tell you what happened and see if you can find some solution, he keeps on to cover his lies like a boy with his mummy. Jesus, I am so sick of men like that. He does not know what love is. That what he is doing is not love. It is not friendship. It is just violent and breaks all intimate bonds that might have existed.

 

To answer your question, NO, it is not what most of the couples do. I had two relationships like that, and both are the worst relationships of my life. I lost my libido in my last relationship, and thought there was something wrong with me. Nope. In few weeks after he left, I gained enough energy to start going out and playing tennis and having friends... and my libido was back so that I can barely control it. Making up for missed times.

 

The sooner you leave this guy the better. Do what you need to do... but know that with this guy you will never be happy and relaxed. He will bring the worst out of you, the kind of worst you had no idea existed in you. A guy that acts like that will ALWAYS act like that and will never stop. Now he is lying about masturbating too. He is just working an idiot out of you to cover his own dumb a*s. He cannot admit to something you already know, like he did not admit that he was the one to surf those sites. He gaslighted you before. Leave him.

[MJJean]

Is this enough to divorce over? I say yes. I have no desire to be married to a liar. And that's not even counting his other piss poor behaviors.

[RySant]

Hi!

 

I am a user of Chaturbate and let me tell you that there is NO BOT for Chaturbate on mobile phones. Although it's true that because of mobile and tablet are the main thing now, the site is specifically designed to be used on a Laptop/Desktop due to the use of tokens and chat. And charturbate won't use any bots or viral media for spreading its awareness as it is a very legit and a premium site just to use desperate advertising like that.

 

My point? Your Husband accessed that site intentionally

 

I laughed when I read your story. Your husband is a lying jerk. You can buy tokens via credit card only. Look for his credit card bill with "Chaturbill" as the merchant name. THAT will shut his lying mouth.

[Trishern]

If you were me, what would you do? We just got married 6 months ago.

 

Also when I searched the rest of his phone ...he had googled "if I refinance my house will my new wife be entitled to ownership?"

 

He says he has to protect his assets.

 

Is he actually chatting to women online?

 

 

If it was JUST porn.....It would not make me divorce. If he was chatting to women, then I might think again. The deeper problem is the other times he's also lied to you.

 

 

He's scared you're going to leave, so he keeps denying it. he knows what he's done. It's a tough call as people have stayed together through worse. It's the denial.

[beatcuff]

oh my head... seriously, have ANY of you actually looked at the site: answer, no you have not...

 

I am a user of Chaturbate...Look for his credit card bill with "Chaturbill" as the merchant name.

 

they do NOT bill under that name.

 

type 'nude web cams' in google, its #1... its ok, i will wait...

 

its a live porn site, that's all. your hubby was caught 'masturbating'. he was no doubt humiliated when you 'caught' him and you willingly set out to crush him.

 

putting that aside, it is obvious you BOTH have serious communication issues and i do agree with other posters this needs to be addressed ASAP.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yeah, he said that he was going to ask his son about it, but of course he didn't ask about THAT. But, he tried to make me believe he would. He began asking him if he had more than one gmail account and if they are linked to his iTunes.

 

I don't think my husband paid to talk to these girls....but I think at this point I'm just crushed. I have clung to the fact that he is such a good honest man and now...I think most of the compliments he pays me -- are bulls*it.

 

That's what happened in my last marriage. After I found out my husband was all over porn -- I couldn't take his "you are all I want" seriously ..and then the "you look so hot like that " only made me want to roll my eyes.

 

My current husband says stuff like that and now I feel the same way....."I only have eyes for you..." and "all I want is you..." is clearly not true. We had sex THAT morning...and I leave bed for one half night...and he's on this? And I see it's ONLY when I'm not in bed with him.

 

I just feel like he is full of you know what...and he says that my request to "just move on" is impossible because I don't seem happy or as attached to him...and he can't live like this.

 

The other night we had a fight about something totally different and I got so irate I ran into the other bedroom and slammed the door. I told him I needed to cool down or I would say more things I didn't mean. He came in and told me that what I had done was grounds for immediate separation because his wife doesn't sleep in other bedrooms. So he does this bullying thing ... a lot.

 

During this argument, it came up that I could be pregnant.. (we hadn't been careful this month as we should ...and I wondered if I should take the morning after pill.) I told him I didn't want to because I want another child ...and he said "oh with me...or with another guy?" I was so appalled that he would say this to me I nearly punched the wall. I said, how in the world do you think it's okay to say something like that to your wife. He said he thinks I just want a baby...and it isn't because I'm dying to have HIS baby.

 

I have two words for you; Josh Duggar. I rest my case.

 

I'm sorry OP.

[Igloo]

Hang on, when you look at porn, chaturbate, live jasmin and a few similar ones automatically pop up all the time.

 

So annoying. Usually when you click on search. Just try youporn or redtube or pornhub on your browser and you'll see.

 

I think he's telling truth. Just looking at porn.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Igloo

[Summer3]

So, we got into a huge argument last night that turned extremely ugly. I was drinking wine and the more he denied this the angrier I got. He said that I like to find problems etc... and that I am acting strange with my paycheck not being deposited and that I am playing games...calling me the "master manipulator". I got sad -- started sobbing and then he told me that was more manipulation....so that I started getting angry.

 

I eventually told him to etiher admit this was true or I was done. He told me he couldn't because it's simply not true. Then, I headed for the door. He wouldn't let me past him. I pushed him back and he kept stopping me ... he eventually admitted he did it. Of course he did!

 

 

 

But then tells me that he didn't actually masturbate...he was just curious. Whatever. THEN he tells me that he did it because all of my drama is getting to him. Of course he blames me for everything.

 

He apologized and is trying to pretend that everything is perfect now. Instead, I woke up this morning feeling deeply sad and in tears. Another night of fighting. I threw my shoes at the wall...I was out of control! I am wondering what's wrong with me?

 

My previous marriage failed but I never got angry like I do now. We rarely fought. I just ignored his drama and everything was peaceful. I didn't throw things or need to leave the house...

 

My husband told me this morning that most couples fight like we did last night... is that really true?

 

I think you should get out of this marriage ASAP. I hope you have some family that you trust. You'll need a good support system. This man is toxic.