Everything is falling apart and I'm on anti-depressants

[wanderingxsoulz]

If my H received postcards from his old mistress it would be devastating. Are you looking to open wounds or didn't she know & you want her to find out?

 

I'm not being mean. It's tough love! You know it's a really bad idea. I'm just giving you another perspective to help you do what's right. You know you deserve more than being an OW. Keep your postcards to share with someone who deserves to share your life & memories.

 

She doesn't and won't know... I never thought about sending it to his home but to his office. But well, doesn't matter. I doubt I'll send it, I just wanted to talk about it here and get some opinions. Thanks

[wanderingxsoulz]

It's your plan to rekindle the A.

 

You say your feelings haven't changed so maybe you want to.

 

It you don't want to then the answer to your question is NO.

 

Poppy.

 

I will admit it is tempting to reach out and have him in my life again, so that he can make all the pain go away. But then I remember that he is the one who brought the pain into my life. And I simply do not have the strength to go through the whole A and its aftermath all over again. I have to keep reminding myself of all the downsides, because it is so easy to conveniently forget about them when you are hurting.

 

Maybe I just want to know if he still cares. But his silence is all the answer I need.

[Popsicle]

Considering that you left without a word (I did too, so I understand) I'm almost 100% certain that any communication from you will be interpreted by him as an attempt to reignite things.

[privategal]

It takes a long time to get to total indifference and maybe the upcoming holidays, or paris, or traveling without him is stirring up old feelings.

Id just carry on and be proud of yourself for making the hardest decision of all time which is to walk away.

It may have seemed abrupt, and you feel you have no closure but you were strong and it was an important step for your life and was closure to an affair which was hurting you.

Sometimes silemce is closure when hes going home to a wife and loving her everyday...thats hurtful when you loved him.

You didnt want to share anymore. That takes courage and it seems he knew you well so then he wouldn't need an official goodbye or dramatic discussion to understand why you haf to do it.

Do not reopen the wounds for him or you.

Send him a good thought through the universe and keep going, you did a wonderful thing.

Edited November 18, 2015 by privategal

[Survivor12]

The only motives I can think of are:

 

1. To prevent him from forgetting about you

2. Hoping that it will inspire him to reach out so you can reject him

3. You want him back but are fearful of rejection

 

The first two are ego based & will accomplish nothing.

 

The third is manipulative. If you want him back, be honest about it.

 

Best option: leave him alone. He's married. If he really wanted to be with you, he would already have left his wife & let you know.

[wanderingxsoulz]

Just wanna to share my progress at the 6-month mark.

 

A little bit of background: I'm 22, MM is 40. We met on an overseas trip, during which he kept making a move on me and I was a little attracted. We didn't do anything other than kissing and hugging then, but when we returned to our city, I realised I couldn't stop thinking about him so I contacted him and we started seeing each other and I fell so quickly. He was the first person I ever had sex with. Some days were the happiest days of my life, while others were spent in crippling pain.

 

He never future-faked with me or made any false promises. In the beginning, I told myself and him that I didn't need more than he could give. But what you imagine is never exactly what things turn out to be, don't you think? I wasn't as strong as I thought. I eventually spent more time being more sad and happy, plus I felt like he didn't care about me like he used to, so I decided to call it quits. I left without a word but he didn't reach out either so NC wasn't too difficult (blessing in disguise, I guess).

 

After he was out of my life, I was completely in pieces while he seemed perfectly fine. I tried everything possible to numb the pain and to forget him. Excess drinking, burying myself in work, hitting the gym, lots of writing and what felt like non-stop crying. Even though I removed him from social media, I still kept photos and chat histories and checked his Facebook from time to time. How often I've wished for him to just reach out and coax me back into the toxic relationship we had, just so that the pain would end.

 

But life started going back to normal, the normal that I knew before he entered my life. No more waiting for anyone to text or call, no more keeping my schedule open in case he could suddenly fit me into his or decide he had time for me last minute, no more dropping everything and cancelling other plans just so I could go running to him, no more second-guessing every word and action of his, no more being upset over anything new because there is nothing new to be upset about as the relationship was over, no more being sad even when things were going as smoothly as they could be, no more having to hide or sneak around, no more pressure to always look my best for him, no more constantly comparing myself to another woman who does not even know of my existence and wondering in what ways I do not match up. Nothing.

 

Time flew by regardless of how I felt. December came. I started feeling like my old self again. Mostly thanks to the other positive parts of my life. Things are better than ever at work and my career is advancing well. I feel surrounded by friends and family who love me. I invested my energy into these areas that bring me happiness instead of brooding over him. I invested into my own life and made my own plans that didn't revolve around anyone else. I barely wrote about him and rarely visited LoveShack anymore. I stopped looking at his social media and realised that it's been the longest since I've gone by without checking up on him.

 

It has been close to 6 months of NC now. Honestly, even I am surprised that I made it this far and am finally feeling like I might actually be happy again. There were times I actually did contemplate dying because the pain was unbearable but I'm glad those days are over. Time does help. I'm also lucky because the people who knew about the A were nothing but incredibly supportive.

 

Of course, I still think of MM and he will always have a special place in my heart, as with the happy memories we shared. And maybe this sounds stupid, but I'm glad I took a chance and contacted him again when we returned to our city because otherwise, I know I'd always be thinking about the what ifs. No regrets... it's been quite an experience, of dizzying highs and crippling lows, that has taught me a lot. So many things I never thought I'd feel, I felt in such intensities.

 

Last of all, thank you everyone on LoveShack for being such an incredible source of advice and support this whole time. When I felt exceptionally down, it was this forum that I turned to. Even though I didn't post much, reading about what everyone else was going through or went through eased the pain because it felt like you guys truly understood. Thank you so much for everything. I hope one day, we all find the happiness that we deserve, whatever it may be.

 

♥♥♥

[Lady2163]

Always so good to hear a happy story. Whether it is riding off together or being happy not being together. Good for you! Full speed ahead.

[lemondrop21]

I agree with Artie's sentiment that you have your whole life ahead of you, but I know it still hurts. I remember a crippling breakup I had at 21 and it was almost impossible to see a future for myself at the time. I learned a lot from that experience. Sounds like you've similarly learned lots from this and found you are stronger than you ever knew. Congratulations and best wishes.

[sunburned]

I eventually spent more time being more sad and happy, plus I felt like he didn't care about me like he used to, so I decided to call it quits. I left without a word but he didn't reach out either so NC wasn't too difficult (blessing in disguise, I guess).

♥♥♥

 

This is a great post because it was all about getting past a mistake, a bad chapter, a misguided decision, a moral detour, whatever you want to call it ... on your own! You invested in yourself, you believed in yourself and it paid off. Unlike some of the OW here, you called it quits when you realized you were more sad than happy and when you recognized his interest/attention were waning. It's great to hear about some of the former OW who meet single guys and move on to gratifying relationships, but it's really impressive to read about someone who embraces herself and improves herself as a way to move on. NOW you're ready to date if you want to. Thanks for sharing your story and your success (just sorry you lost your virginity to the b*stard).

[wanderingxsoulz]

I thought I was doing ok and I didn't want to post a new thread but apparently not.

 

For a while, everything seemed great. I got a promotion at work, started seeing someone new (who knew about the A and MM and pretty much everything), but now it feels like I am back at square one.

 

Being with someone new has made me realise what it is like to be properly treated and respected. The after-effects of the A and how MM treated me (crumbs, low priority, emotional manipulation and abuse and neglect (he once punished me for going overseas with a male friend by not speaking to me for a week), poor treatment) is finally starting to sink in after 7 months of NC and made me realise just how bad things were, how horrible MM actually was. Not to be dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by the whole A.

 

Things are rocky with this new guy for other reasons, the promotion at work has brought me more stress than ever, and hence everything has been tremendously overwhelming. I feel more unhappy than ever and it's been so bad that I decided to go see a doctor because I just want it to STOP.

 

He put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I feel like nothing is ever going to be ok again. Even with so much to be happy about in life, with everything going for me, all I feel like is never-ending pain and hurt. Just want it to be over.

 

How is it fair that two people were involved in the A but one goes on about his life fine and happy while the other is in pieces?

[d0nnivain]

You cared more. You are a caring person. If he had any ounce of compassion he never would have cheated on his wife in the 1st place.

 

 

That said, change causes anxiety & you have 3 big changes in your life: end of 1 relationship; beginning of another relationship & a new job. You are facing these changes at a time when you felt vulnerable to begin with.

 

 

Good for you for working with your doctor to address your needs. Hang in there.

[Mayday2016]

"How is it fair that two people were involved in the A but one goes on about his life fine and happy while the other is in pieces?"

 

I don't know. I wish I did. In my own experience, in my own A, he ghosted me at the end and just went on in his happy life. My AP left me with a child, granted it was my choice to keep the baby, but he had expected me to be a single Mother and never desire his involvement. He expected to live his life with no after effects. I filed for child support almost 2 weeks ago and he's still going on as always, Unfazed. It's mind blowing.

 

Give the meds a couple weeks to work, I hope they take the edge off for you.

[William]

Folks, one of our other moderators merged four threads on a similar topic so there may be some overlap or duplication of content and please do continue to discuss this topic in this thread. Thanks!

[BuddyX]

It appears you're still not ready for a relationship. You might be punishing the new guy.

The affair is defining who you are- Do Not let that happen.

 

Look at the positives. You're young. Just got a promotion. Have someone in your life.

[lemondrop21]

You are hurting because you are human. Because someone traumatized you and that does not go away easily. It SUCKS to feel that you are doing everything in your power to move on, to be healthy, and yet the trauma still affects you. But, in terms of coping with trauma, you are doing everything perfectly, my dear. There's no shame in asking for help, whether it's meds, therapy or whatever. That takes incredible strength and courage.

 

Please keep posting when and if you need to. We are all cheering you on.

[anika99]

I thought I was doing ok and I didn't want to post a new thread but apparently not.

 

For a while, everything seemed great. I got a promotion at work, started seeing someone new (who knew about the A and MM and pretty much everything), but now it feels like I am back at square one.

 

Being with someone new has made me realise what it is like to be properly treated and respected. The after-effects of the A and how MM treated me (crumbs, low priority, emotional manipulation and abuse and neglect (he once punished me for going overseas with a male friend by not speaking to me for a week), poor treatment) is finally starting to sink in after 7 months of NC and made me realise just how bad things were, how horrible MM actually was. Not to be dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by the whole A.

 

Things are rocky with this new guy for other reasons, the promotion at work has brought me more stress than ever, and hence everything has been tremendously overwhelming. I feel more unhappy than ever and it's been so bad that I decided to go see a doctor because I just want it to STOP.

 

He put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I feel like nothing is ever going to be ok again. Even with so much to be happy about in life, with everything going for me, all I feel like is never-ending pain and hurt. Just want it to be over.

 

How is it fair that two people were involved in the A but one goes on about his life fine and happy while the other is in pieces?

 

It sounds like you have taken all of the bad memories and events of the affair and internalized them into a sense of shame. Don't do that. Medication will help short term but I think you need to talk your experiences and you feelings out so that you can regain your sense of self worth. Right now it seems you feel ashamed of yourself and you don't want shame to become a part of your core. It will sabatoge your life and keep you from ever being happy.

 

Just know that millions of women have gotten involved with men who were very bad for them and to them. It is a very painful experience but you can turn it into a opportunity to learn about yourself and about life. Don't beat yourself up and engage in negative thoughts about yourself. You are still young and have more good things going for you than the MM does. Don't waste your energy on comparing your life to his. You can never know what it is like to be him and if he is happy or not.

[Doublegold]

'Saw that he posted a status about how "honesty and integrity" comes before everything else.'

 

John Wooden said “Your reputation is who people think you are, your character is who you really are.”

[minimariah]

'Saw that he posted a status about how "honesty and integrity" comes before everything else.'

 

John Wooden said “Your reputation is who people think you are, your character is who you really are.”

 

LOVE this quote. one of my favourites.

 

Being with someone new has made me realise what it is like to be properly treated and respected. (...) Not to be dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by the whole A.

 

uuuuhhhhhhhhh... been there, done that. sometimes, we don't realize just how deeply wounded we are... until someone else shows us how GOOD it can really be. i think we can all relate to that feeling & it's quite possible that you kind of "swept" the negative feelings under the rug. and only now are you facing the real consequences and going through the real healing.

 

it will get better - i know it's hard to believe that but try to take it one day at a time and in dark moments surround yourself with positive people and people who love you... or just write here! a lot of supportive folks here.

 

but please, keep your head up and try to take care of yourself. so many great things to look forward to!

 

I feel more unhappy than ever and it's been so bad that I decided to go see a doctor because I just want it to STOP.

 

CONGRATS on this! seriously, well done on seeking help! that tells me that you absolutely do want to heal and move on and you want to help yourself -- you will be just okay. give yourself time, work on you & be careful with the medication.

[wanderingxsoulz]

The temptation to break NC is really strong

[carhill]

Pretty normal. Accept it. It's OK to feel tempted. It'll pass.

[georgia girl]

There's a term in psychology that is something along the lines of an "intermittent schedule of positive reinforcement" which helps to explain why some people tend to chase affection from others or even why someone continues to play slot machines. Because the reward when it does come is so welcome, it feels more earned - either through patience or dilligence or effort. But, chasing this unpredictable schedule of positive reinforcement becomes addictive. The highs seem greater and unfortunately, the lows seem worse. The overall effect can be incredibly damaging to a person's self-esteem. Gamblers often report feeling worthless and reading on this board, I often see posters wondering how their MM could treat them as they were worthless. It's very destructive.

 

What you have with the new guy is much more healthy and will build your self-esteem back up. It doesn't mean he has to be your forever guy. But please be careful when picking partners in the future that you don't fall victim again to the roller cycle that is intermittennpositive reinforcement. As another poster noted, millions of women have been in relationships where they allowed themselves to be treated badly. Forgive yourself but also protect yourself. Recognize the pattern and avoid it.

 

As for meds, I think right now that is an appropriate course of action along with counseling if you choose. You have dealt with a lot and even good change can bring on anxiety. Be good to yourself. You are doing well. It may not feel like it right now, but you are.

 

Hugs, GG

[Shadowburn]

The temptation to break NC is really strong

 

No! No, No, No!

Read back your very first post from December - remember again yourself at your strongest, you were happily moving on - do not go backwards. Because he caused you all this pain, it may seem he is the only one who can heal it - but you know it is not true. Appeal to your rational, logical self and talk yourself out of it. You'll gain nothing by breaking NC, and you are so much better off without him. You are too young and too good for him.

 

I know this forum advocates for radical honesty, but I'd be cautious in divulging your past affair with a new partner. It may inadvertently just bring back all the memories and old pain again. Best of luck to you!

[wanderingxsoulz]

I broke NC... 8 months of pushing through and pain but now it's all for nothing. I drunk texted MM to tell him about being on medication (though I sounded very coherent). Told him not to respond because I know he doesn't care and that I just wanted him to know.

 

When I woke up, it hit me what I had done. I basked in a pool of shame and regret and self-loathing... Especially after seeing no response from MM. But I was wrong... he did respond later in the day and asked why didn't I tell him anything.

 

I haven't replied but it is so tempting Now I am thinking that he cares enough to respond. Even though that probably isn't true. But I am so sick of feeling this way... nothing seems to work.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that MM is not the cure to the pain because he IS the pain but at the same time, it feels like he can make it all go away...

[yodelwithyu]

(((((wanderingxsoulz)))))

 

Oh Hun, I am so sorry you are feeling so down. NC is so hard on most, and you even lost your virginity to him. That is a really tough bond to break. Cut yourself some slack, you did great for so long! I have no advice for you because I clearly have no idea what I am doing, but I do have lots of virtual hugs.

 

Xoxo

Yodel