Girlfriend still maintains good friendship with her ex. Should it bother me?

[fenix]

I think you should set some boundaries with your GF. I don't think that being friendly with your ex is something bad but I do see a lot of issues with being good friends with your ex.

The potential amount of drama that can come from this is huge and if your GF loves you she should also understand the position she is putting you in.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your GF and her ex having a coffee once in a while (long while) in a public place or even while you are also there and other totally different thing is her ex popping up to her work or having often solo dates.

 

Why would someone who loves you put you through this stress (specially knowing your past history)?

[elaine567]

I think part of the problem is that he might as well be a single guy hanging around your gf, because his relationship is non-monogamous and he is, I guess, free to pursue your gf if he so desires, despite being ostentatiously "attached".

Awkward for you, and so it is then all down to how much do you trust your gf here?

[blackcat777]

I had a fair number of exes that I was friends with and sometimes exchanged totally platonic hey what's up chats with on Facebook. I arrogantly never saw anything wrong with it because *I* knew *I* was never cheating or behaving inappropriately, and god forbid anyone else have a problem with that.

 

Then I got to a point with my current boyfriend where I realized it was just ridiculous. I unfriended everyone on Facebook I ever dated or had a crush on... just because I felt like my idea of what it meant to be committed evolved. It meant more respect toward my boyfriend, I feel like it's me carrying myself better, and really, it's better for the exes, too, because even if nothing NEVER went on post-breakup... what about their new girlfriends? I don't want to be a potential "other woman," or even perceived that way (which did happen once - when ZERO flirting ever took place!). Staying friends with exes is a huge source of totally unnecessary drama.

 

There was only one ex I sent a message to before I deleted him, and that was to say thank you. Four years after we broke up, I was in a terrible car accident, lost everything, and had no way to get home to family. He picked me up from the airport (I flew from west coast to east coast), he helped me load up an entire rental car filled with all the belongings I could pack into a car (shipped by train from west coast to east coast), and then loaned me a couple of hundred dollars to take the car home because I ran out of money. It was a huge act of ridiculous and unnecessary kindness. And I know he didn't think all that highly of me.

 

But really, even in that last situation... god forbid if anything bad happens to me now, I have my boyfriend here for me. I don't need to hold on to anyone else for any reason. That's the whole point.

 

Going NC with an ex doesn't have to be hateful or spiteful. It's better for everyone. It's better for your new relationship, it's better for the ex. It's clearing old things away to make space for something that fits better. It's doing everyone a favor...

 

BUT, going back to the OP, before I realized that, the guys I did keep contact with I NEVER reciprocated flirts if they tried, I never instigated. I did have boundaries. My comprehension of the situation was just extremely self-centered (unintentionally) and all about what I wanted. I was always honest in my relationships.

 

It just took me a long time to realize there was a better way.

 

I would also have been up in arms and throwing a, "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHO TO TALK TO!!! NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! RAWR!!!" tantrum if anyone had suggested NC before I matured to the point of being able to wrap my mind around it.

 

I used to be a really. selfish. person. in certain ways.

[misspond]

This stuff is complicated. Sometimes people have deeper relationships than others can comprehend. In fact they can be deeper than even those involved in them can comprehend until others are involved, even if that sounds really convoluted. My position is a little different than yours in that I have children with my ex. So we are connected whatever anyone thinks about, "me and them". But I think an ex significant other actually can become a friend - you may not ***love*** one another but you do understand one another. And you will converse, although maybe not in the way that the current significant other thinks you do. It's something you have to build into your life at the moment, and it's not easy.